Fred Dean wrote Sun 12/23/18 @10:07 PST re "Jizzing Christmas":

What the fuck?  That's a public display?

We're not sure.  What can you tell us, Jan, about the penis palms
at Mar-a-Lago?

Ten thousand turkeys were killed in a barn fire in Daviess County.

                                                                                [courtesy LEX18]

A Portage veterinarian  refused a "convenience euthanasia" request
for two dogs, pointer Sam and Lab mix Cosmo, by an owner recent-
ly divorced and moving in with a girl friend allergic  to  dogs  (they
found new homes in Illinois).
                                                            [courtesy Columbus Republic]

drewbank.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Andrew Blankenship, W (sic) M, 5'7", 160 lbs, auto theft; Joshua Wardlow, BM, 5'10", handgun w/o license;; Alfonso Zuniga, HM, 5'0", 195 lbs, meth,marijuana, DUI, no license; Daniel Ciula, WM, 5'6", 170 lbs, meth; David Weaveer, BM, 5'10", 180 lbs, meth, gun w/o lic.,coke

Kentucky's longest-serving sheriff to retire
    Jerry "Peanuts" Gaines, Warren County, after 40 years . . . .
                                                                                                       [courtesy LEX18 –
funny way to spell "retire" – he was defeated in his bid for re-election in November]

A man was arrested in London, Ky., for throwing a ham at his girl
friend in an argument over which day to have Christmas dinner. . . .

Babies born Christmas Eve at Baptist Hospital in Louisville were
wrapped in Christmas stockings and Santa caps. . . .

A cow took a dip in a neighbor's backyard swimming pool Christ-
mas Day in Sharpsburg.
                                              [courtesy LEX18]

angelato.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Angela Hendrix, WF, 39, 5'5", 125 lbs, cocaine desire; Samantha bush, WF, 24, connecton failed; Teresa Pike, WF, 49, gave up; Sarah ball, WF, 36, 5'6", 100 lbs, Yorkshire hog wannabe; Tobeisha Denton, BF, 39, bond revocation (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

Quotations of the Wheat: "I have not yet seen or heard my name and 'intelligent' in the same  sentence, and I am getting a little impatient." – Leonard Simon

deplorbs.jpg Deplorables lookalikes: Bad Idea jeans family, Trump & Melanis

nguyenvi.jpg Locked up in San Angeloe (by the Tom Green (Texas) County Sheriff): Ashley Perez, 30, burglary; Brandy Mendoza, 34, theft; Christy Reyna, 36, possession; Courtney O'Callaghan, 37, theft; Marjorie Day, 37, bad check; Vivien Nguyen, 19, marijuana; Hannah Powers, 31, family viol.

A 23-year-old man tried to pay for a drive-thru McDonald's
order with a bag of marijuana in Port St. Lucie, Florida  (he
was arrested.  .  .  .  A 61-year-old  naked man  tore down a
neighbor’s outdoor Christmas decorations in Green Bay,Wis-
consin (he was arrested for public drunkenness). . . . A man
in  prison  in Colorado for killing his pregnant wife and two
children  was being flooded with love letters from other wo-
men, as were the Parkland, Florida, school shooter, the Bos-
ton Marathon bomber, and Scott Peterson. . . .China prepar-
ed for the Year of the Peppa Pig. . . .  A  Middletown,  New
York, priest who has settled several sexual abuse cases said
in a sermon that Jesus  "understands that we’re not perfect."
.  .  . Infant kidnappings from nativity scenes around the na-
tion prompted West Bend, Wisconsin, businessmen  to  nail
Jesus to the manger. . . . Sears was closing  80  more  stores,
including its anchor store at the Mall of America in Bloom-
ington, Minnesota.
                                            [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

Factor by which more Americans are murdered by by knives
than by guns:  4.  . .  . Number of states that have repealed or
weakened knife laws since 2010:  21.  . . .  Portion of Ameri-
cans  who believe all members of the armed services  should
be considered heroes: 1 in 2. . . . Germans: 1 in 7. . . . FEMA
funds transferred to ICE in 2018:  $9,800,000.  . . .  Per  cent
of American teens who  call "texting"  their  favorite  way  to
communicate:  35 .  .  .  Who call conversation in person:  32.

autumkat.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Autumn Fay fees, WF, 40, 5'4", 125 lbs.,meth and drug paraphernalia; Kathleen Marie Allen, WF, 30, 5'8", 165 lbs, burglary, theft (Sedgwick County Sheriff)

How many 7- and 8-year-old children from Guatemala must die
before we call immigrant detention a scandal?

The sports:
                       
                        This is the high school wrestler in New Jer-
                        sey whose  dreadlocks  were ordered cut by
                        a referee. . . .

                    The National Football League's Oakland Raiders were re-
                    ported to be on the road again,  perhaps  to  Las Vegas  by
                    way of San Francisco.

lifelion.jpg Life Saver Dude: Aw, c'm'on! Not you guys, too?!

DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Life Saver Dude.


People who invited us to be their friends on Clutterbook Facebook
last week included    Karlita Paiz.
                                Liceo Cristiano Zacapanec

I like you and you're the best guy ever!   I would like to have
a remote control car and monster truck .  I  like  you.    Merry
Christmas!
                                                                     Love, Jensen Cook

I would like to have a swimming pool and some toy cars  I have
been good.
                                                                      Love, Watt Houchin

Will you give me a present or not?   I want to know who you are
and do you have any elves?  Could you bring me a unicorn wand
and a Belle tricycle?
                                                                   Love, Caroline Keown

How is Rudolph doing?  What are you up to?  How are the elves
doing?   I need a new flash costume.  It's  two  years  ago  and  it
does not fit me.
                                                      Thanks, Santa, Jeremy Minton

I like you, Santa.  I've been good, but my brother ain't.  His name
is GAVIN.  Don't bring my mother any presents cause him's been
mean to me.   I want  REAL  HANDCUFFS  so me can arrest my
brother.   Me want another cop hat.   I have 2,  but me need anoth-
er.
                                                                   Good Bye, Ava Scholar

I  love  you.  For Christmas I want 14 Hatchimals.  Have  a  good
trip to our houses.
                                                                     Love, Hadley Garmon

I want one of them tigers like Hadley's got.
                                                                           Love, Liam White

I want one of them tigers like Hadley has.     It's called a Fur Real
Live Pet.    I love you with all my heart.
                                                                    Love, Delilah Billhartz

I  wish I had a few Nerf guns and a tiger like Hadley.  I hope your
reindeer are feeling well..
                                                                          Love, Caiden Davis

I want one of those tigers like Hadley has.
                                                                          Love, Jack Logsdon

I want one of those tigers that Hadley has.
                                                                        Love, Beralis Chacon

I want a Barbie jeep.
                                                                            Love, Alayna Roof

Fred Dean wrote Mon 12/17/18 @08:19 PST:

Were the Lexington cops singing "Deck the Halls" during
their Fa La La shoplifting sweep?

The city of Portage agreed to pay $10,000 to the owners of a
Yorkshire terrier, Bandit,  killed by a Belgian Malinois police
dog, Nyx, that escaped from his handler. . . .

Police in Muncie found a 7-year-old boy and his 4-year-old
brother watching Home Alone on TV while they were home
alone. . . .

A fourth hunt in five years will be allowed  at  Indianapolis'
Eagle Creek Park early next year to control the deer popula-
tion (previous hunts have harvested about 500.deer each). . . .

Neighbors who adopted a tame doe as a pet in South Milford
complained  that  a policeman tied it to a car and shot it dead
in front of children.
                                                  [courtesy Columbus Republic]

florshay.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Flora Foster, BF, 5'7", 145 lbs, criminal recklessness; Shayla Sink, WF, 5'4", 110 lbs, welfare fraud; Terrance Ford, BM, 5'8", 180 lbs, probation violation (fraud) (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Elizabethtown's WAKY radio played a two-hour marathon of five
versions of "Baby It's Cold Outside."
                                                                              [courtesy LEX18]
 

horndash.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Brian Horndasch, WM, 49, 6'2", 195 lbs., impersonating B Woods; Samuel Levy, WM, 20, 6'0", 198 lbs, amish impersonation; Nicole Willis, WF, 48, 5'3", 140 lbs, stiffing her lawyer (she hadda get Gary); Zacheery Cockerham, WM, 28, 5'10", 150 lbs, hurling feces at zoo monkeys; Andrew Bennett, BM, 39, 5'11", 160 lbs, Star Trek fatality wannabe (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

dandreja.jpg Perps in Paducah: Dandre T. Porter, 36; Christian M. Sherill, 30; Ashley J. Miller, 31, FTA for restitution hearing; Sierra Scott, 19, evading arrest; Jason P. Garcia, 30 (McCracken County Sheriff)

Quotations of the Wheat: "I'm too pissed off to say anything."                                                                                                – Leonard Simon

saraleeg.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green Cou8nty (Texas) Sheriff): Kaleem Mariano, 20, assault, family violence; Briona Paz, BF, 25, pub. drunk; Danza Valdez, WF, 21, drugs; Kimberly Peercy, WF, 25, possession, trespass; Aubrey Tatum,21, theft; Amber Labedelle, BF, 33, harassment; Keno Watkins, BM, 21, family violence; Wanted there: Sara Lee Gary, WF, 30, 5'9", 145 lbs, unauthorized absence from a correction facility (does that mean escape?)

A parrot who was kicked out of an animal sanctuary for swear-
ing  was ordering  strawberries,  watermelon,  light  bulbs,  ice
cream and a kite on his new owner's Amazon Alexa. . . . Santa
Claus ripped off his beard and ordered children to "get the fuck
out" of a building that got a fire alarm  in  St. Ives,  Cambridge-
shire,  England. . . .  A poacher convicted  in  Springfield,  Mis-
souri,  of  killing hundreds of deer  was  ordered  to  watch  the
movie  Bambi   at least once a month  during his year-long sen-
tence.
                                                  [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

dalontam.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Miguel J. Retiz, WM, 23, 5'11", 220 lbs, tattoos neck, left arm, right arm, right hand, aggravated battery; Brandon M. Lundry, WM, a/k/a Derrick Lundry, 19, 5'10", 195 lbs, tattoo right shoulder, aggravated battery; (Sedgwick County Sheriff); Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not . . . ): Latoria C. Wyatt, BF, 23, 5'4", 270 lbs, probation violation (deb. card abuse), and a Yorkshire hog, fer shure; Dalonta Perry, BM, 24, 6'3", 350 lbs, probation violation (evading arrest) (Wichita Falls Crime Stoppers)

Former National Basketball Association and National Collegiate Athletic As-
sociation  coach  Rick  Pitino,  who had to leave the University of Louisville
last year in a  shoe  scandal,  has made a deal to coach a professional team in
Greece. . . .

lifelago.jpg Life Saver Dude: Jizzing Christmas at Mar-a-Lago?

Wayne Jent, a new subscriber, wrote Mon 12/10/18 @09:48 CST:

Excellent paper; I now feel up to date on matters that matter.
Can't wait till the next edition.  By the way,  I could not find
the poetry section.  I am sure it was my oversight.  See ya la-
ter, Borf – if I may call you Borf.

A 14-year-old boy shot his way  into  a  middle  school  in  Rich-

mond, where he was not enrolled, and took his own life as police

entered and exchanged fire with him. . . .

An 85-year-old Bloomington contractor died in a fall from a lad-

der  while  hanging  Christmas  lights  at the Pi Beta Phi sorority

house at Indiana University.
                                                        [courtesy Columbus Republic]

frankiet.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Frankie Thompson, WM, 5'11", 175 lbs, parole violation; Michelle Grove, WF, 5'5", 150 lbs, auto theft, DWOL; Woodrow Childers, WM, 5'4", 135 lbs, parole violation; Wendy King, BF, 5'5", 220 lbs, cocaine, Yorks. hog; Todd Betty, WM, 6'5", 220 lbs, fraud, prob. viol. (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

The city of Hartford removed signs identifying it as the home town
of a former Miss Kentucky, Ramsey Carpenter Bearse, after her ar-
arrest in West Virginia as a teacher who sent nude photos of herself
to a 15-year-old student. . . .

Lexington police charged 53 persons in what they called a "Fa La
La" shoplifting sweep.
                                                                              [courtesy LEX18]

Among the women pictured in the December-January issue of VIP
Bowling Green magazine were  Jull  Nixon,  Julee  Burt,  Sherelen
Hodges,  Suha Hammad, Alida Griffin, Lynsey Brewer, Coltar Par-
due,  Deiona Melville, Rhondell Miller, Lexi Cook, Lexi Matthew,
Hilly Backer,   Claci Walls,  Cayla Rios,  Melayna Brown-Tinsley,
Noha West,  Meah Jessup,  Sereniti Coulter,  and Courtlann Atkin-
son. Among the boys and men were Frand McCall, Sojo Ngoy, Ra-
sean Carothers, Eric Leach and Robert Peach.

pamandla.jpg Perps in Paducah: Amanda N. Powell, 28; Mary L. Thornton, 37; Paula Sayre, 57, drugs; Pamela L. Bettencourt, 34; Krystyn R. Overby, 36, credit card fraud; Karen M. Lewis, 38 (McCracken County Sheriff)

devontag.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Devonta Webb, BM, 6'1", 180 lbs, sniffing crack; Rebecca Chappell, WF, 40, 5'2", 135 lbs, loose woman; Keshanta Fuller, BF, 20, 5', 145 lbs, showing her bush; Stephanie Johnson, BF, 48, 5'4", 157 lbs, no good reason; Alan Gay, BM, 44, 5'8", 240 lbs, sniffing Stephanie (dragged kicking and screamiing from the Herald-Leader)

Classic Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said May 29, 2016): "Live fast, die young, and don't grow old, or you'll live to regret it." – Leonard Simon

ketchers.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County Sheriff): John Davis, 26, DUI; Terese Grothe, 51, DUI water craft, evading arrest; April Tomes, 35, weapon knuckles; Quincin Eagle, 19, burglary; Geezis French, 39,, parole violation (drugs); Jessica Medel, 43, theft; Victoria Marr, 38, bail jumping; Sharmeika Byers, 26, trespass; Tesa Keith, 37, injury to child; Dalton Ketcherside, 20, debit card abuse

A couple admitted driving 900 miles  from  Arizona  to  Wyo-
ming  with  two  children,   6 and 10,  in the trunk of their car
(two German Shepherd dogs occupied the back seat). . . . The
Michigan-based HopCat bar and restaurant chain said  it  was
changing the name of its "Crack Fries" dish. . . . A robot at an
Amazon factory in Robbinsville, New Jersey, punctured a can
of bear repellent,  which sent two dozen workers to the hospit-
al. . . . Columbine  High  School,  in Littleton, Colorado,  was
put on lockdown because of a threat. . . . Maria  Butina  plead-
ed guilty. . . .
                                            [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

longoria.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Michael Anthony Longoria, HM, 32, 5'5", 130 lbs, failure to register; Chrissenda Rose Bennett, BF, 38, 5'4", 140 lbs, violation of probation (assault with deadly weapon); Billy Lee Pierce, WM, 48, 5'8", 170 lbs, bond forf. (possessn. of firearm by a felon); Wanted in Waco: Rachele Denise Marriott, WF, 33, 5'2", 170 lbs, probation violation (dangerous drugs); Aarrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Kelsey Elaine Isham, WF, 25, 5'7", 155 lbs, injury to a child; Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Kathryn L. Sharp, WF, 31, 5'7", 140 lbs, tattoos neck, left shoulder, chest, left ear, prob. viol. (aggravated battery) (Wichit Falls Crime Stoppers, City of Waco, Abilene Crime Stoppers, Sedgwick County (Kansas) Sheriff)

lifelion.jpg Life Saver Dude: Aw, c'm'on! Not you guys, too?!

Muncie Sanitary District administrator Nikki Grigsby  said  she'd
"rather not" say how much money the district will make on a deal
to place advertisements on garbage can lids.

                                                           [courtesy Muncie Star Press]

A former Miss Kentucky, now a teacher in West Virginia,  was ac-
cused of sending  nude  photos  of herself to a 15-year-old student
on Slapcrap Snapchat.
                                                                              [courtesy LEX18]

The former Robert James Reynolds,  who legally changed his name
to The Reverend, 38, was sentenced in Allen County to 33 years in
prison  for  the murder of his 71-year-old roommate,  which he told
police Charles Manson (then still living) told him to do.

                      [courtesy Park City (Bowlng Green, Ky.) Daily News]

Deaths:

                Nancy C. "Nancy B" Bice Bouldin (age not reported),
                    widow of Roy W. "Bill W" Bouldin
                                                                                  [Park City (Bowlng Green, Ky.) Daily News]

Saudi Arabia's Crown Prince was high-fived by Vladimir Putin
at the G-20 conference. . . . Mariah Parker, 26, was sworn in as
a county commissioner  in  Georgia  on  The Autobiography of
Malcolm  X,  not the Bible. . . . Germany’s interior ministry ser-
ved pork sausage at a conference on Islam. . . . Frank Loesser's
daughter denied that  "Baby, It's Cold Outside"  is a "date rape"
song. . . .  A man was arrested in Cleburne,  Texas,  for  telling
children at a church that Santa Claus was not real and refusing
to leave. . . .
                                                  [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

The sports: Junior guard  Keozdon Jones  was leading the Bowling Green, Ky., High School Pur- ples' girls basketball team in scoring.              [courtesy Leachman Buick ad in Park                City (Bowling Green, Ky.) Daily News]

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" €“ Karen Crockett

:

Hopdinne Akins wrote 11/18/18 with a late submission
in the "What are these people thinking?" contest:

The contest submissions you printed were not
very creative;  and the one that said, "Too bad
no one died"  was  just  wrong – a later report
said one boy did die, later, in hospital.  Here's
my entry:  "If they can't get it out, it'll make a
great wildlife shelter for the winter.   It  could
be called 'Possum Apartments' or 'Squirrel Se-
questers'."

Thirty vehicles piled up in a chain reaction crash in Car-
mel.
                                     [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Dumb news from Kentucky:         

stinswlm.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Willaim Stinson, BM, 18, 5'8", 170 lbs, receiving stolen property (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)

micbecca.jpg Leakers in Lexington: Michael Beaty, WM, 51, 6'1", 160 lbs, rat; Rebecca Pollard, WF, 32, 5'3", 143 lbs, incontinent; Patricia Smith, WF, 30, 5'4", incontinent; Eugenia White, WF, 42, 5'9", 170 lbs, incontinent (dragged kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

A Lexington couple were accused of making  a  neigh-
bor's  children,  aged 8 and 9,  smoke  marijuana  (you
saw one of the perps, Janet Cates, in last Sunday's Tab-
loid Headlines). . . .

A semitrailer overturned in Rockcastle County, spilling
3,500 live chickens.
                                                            [courtesy LEX18]

waltessa.jpg Perps in Paducah: Walter C. Henderson, 57; Tessa N. Fields, 21; Christina Byrn, 34; David I. Rogers, 28, sodomy of 12-year-old (McCracken County Sheriff)

Classic Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said May 8, 2016): "You should never trust a woman who doesn't fart:  Who knows what   else she might be holding back?" – Leonard Simon

eduardol.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Eduardo Lara, HM, 21, 5'8", 220 lbs, injury to a child; Leticia Policastro, HF, 41, 5'1", 180 lbs, burglary, Yorkshr hog; Jandreani Bell, BF, 26, 5'4", 135 lbs, indecency w/child, expos.; Robert B. Parker, WM, 30, 5'9", 165 lbs, bond forf (ag. ass. w/deadly wea.) (Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week)

claytdow.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Clayton Dunn, 48, accident involving death; Kayla Watson, 30; Rosalinda Hernandez, 46, theft; Halli Helms, 22; Patty Tonn, 59, theft, trespass, drug parapher.; Elizabeth Usery, 24, parole violation; Dow Parker, 60, family violence

A woman arrested for driving on a railroad track in Duquesne, Pennsyl-
vania, told police her GPS told her to. . . . Scientists suggested that heat
waves are damaging beetle sperm. . . . Elon Musk said he might be mo-
ving to Mars. . . . A  Cambodian  monk  was arrested and defrocked for
stabbing a girl friend he had met on Clutterbook Facebook. . . . A Mor-
occan woman living in the United Arab Emirates  was accused of mur-
dering her boy friend and cooking his remains into a rice and meat dish
(his tooth was found in her blender). . . . A man in Amsterdam, the Ne-
therlands, who hid 350,000 Euros in his washing machine was accused
of money laundering. . . . An 18-year-old German lost his driver license
only 49 minutes after getting it, for speeding (60 in a 30). . . . A woman
in  Yagangcun,  China,  was hit in the head and paralyzed by a dog  that
fell from a second-story apartment (there's video!). . . . Customers lined
up for two hours at an ATM that spit out $100 bills for $20  in Houston,
Texas,  after the first customer posted his good luck on line,  and before
the police arrived. . . . A man said he was ticketed for distracted driving
in Westport, Connecticut, for eating hash browns behind the wheel.  . . .
A 6' 4", 1.4-ton steer was deemed too large to slaughter in Lake Preston,
Australia. . . . Oakland University, in suburban Detroit,  Michigan,  was
arming students with  hockey  pucks  to defend themselves in shootings.
. . . Southwest Airlines apologized for a boarding agent in Orange Coun-
ty, California, who laughed at a 5-ear-old girl's name,   Abcde  (pronoun-
ced "ab-CIT-y"), and posted a photo of her boarding pass on Clutterbook
Facebook.
                                                                [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

jonthans.jpg Wanted in Waco: Jonthan Young, HM, 23, 6'1", 165 lbs, probation viol. (indecency w/child); Shavon Shantel Bessie, BF, 32, 5'1", 180 lbs, probation viol. (endangering child), Yorkshire hog; Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Heidi Laine Wilbur, WF, 24, 5'5", 130 lbs, probation violation (theft); Hailey Camille Fortier, WF, 27, 5'5", 120 lbs, controlled substances; James M. Grim a/k/a James Mikel or Michael, BM, 32, 6' 0", 145 lbs, aggravated indedent liberties w/a child, upside down ears (City of Waco, Sedgwick County (Kansas) Sheriff)

lifelion.jpg Life Saver Dude: Aw, c'm'on! Not you guys, too?!

Diawan Paramitha.