I believe in the right to marry, I just don't believe I will ever want to marry, when I do have those rights extended to me.
It's A Cheatin' Situation
A Gay opinion 10/25/00
by R.A. Melos
I love music, all types of music from reggae to rock, from country to metal,
and the one theme I can find in every style of music, to which I listen, is
the cheating song. Probably the first cheating song I remember hearing back
in the 1960's, when I was very young, was Hank Williams Sr. singing "You're
Cheatin' Heart."
As I grew older singers like Billy Paul romanticized the illicit affair with
the hauntingly beautiful "Me and Mrs. Jones," and Reba McEntire urged
"Tell me a lie, say you're not a married man," or questioned the other
woman in her duet "Does He Love You?" with Linda Davis.
Two of my all time favorite cheatin' songs are written by the incomparable Jim
Steinman, and sung by Meatloaf. "More Than You Deserve" and "Left
In The Dark" both tell the stories of cheating, and broken hearts.
Now my question is, if marriage (heterosexual or same-sex) is what we are morally
supposed to be striving to achieve, why do we write and sing about the one true
love being the one we are not morally supposed to want? Why does a society,
which touts monogamy as the be all and end all of a relationship, glorify the
joy of cheating?
If society glorifies it, is cheating wrong?
I know for a fact, when I entered into my now defunct relationship with my ex-lover,
who was married to his first wife at the time, his marital status never factored
into my decision to accept his advances. It never occurred to me to consider
his wife, since I had not yet met her, and I wasn't the one doing the cheating.
Yes, I was helping her husband cheat on her, but he was the one getting the
thrill of cheating. I was an accessory after the fact, and it didn't bother
me.
Even after I met her, and got to know her and their children, I didn't feel
like I was cheating. I was only extending the enjoyment of my ex-lover, by filling
in for what was lacking in his life.
I know, many moralists would think I am perverse for feeling this way, but I
have not reached this conclusion without spending a great many hours reviewing,
in my mind, the entire relationship. It was while I was going over the cheating
angle of it, I discovered societies fascination and glorification of cheating.
This makes me think, in a time when same-sex couples are fighting for the right
to exchange vows of "till death do us part," is it really practical
for anyone, gay or straight, to pledge a lifelong commitment to another person
when our society subconsciously promotes adultery?
If you don't believe me, look at the number of movies Hollywood cranks out in
which the adulterous relationship is the one which is truly satisfying, and
the so-called "sacred marital relationship" is exactly what has driven
the cheaters to cheat.
The Scarlet Letter, at least the most recent Hollywood version, starring Demi
Moore, showed how an unhappily married woman could find true happiness in the
arms of another man. With the exception of Fatal Attraction, most adulterers
are only happy when they are cheating on their spouse, so once again society
is subtly telling us no matter how much we may think monogamy is the be all
and end all of a relationship, it really is just a weigh station on the route
to blissful adultery.
It may have taken me far longer than necessary to realize it, but I now see
the dangers of marriage and more importantly, the terrible unhappiness of monogamy.
While I'm sure there are people out there who are more than willing to settle
for that one person to be with for the rest of their lives, I now consider companionship
not to be about monogamy, but to be about enjoying the company of a diverse
group of people.
The universe is about change and growth, and it seems to me marriage and monogamy
is about stagnation and death. I lost my ex-lover to such a metaphoric death,
as he chose a second wife over me and his first wife and family. The greatest
joy of paganism is in the knowledge of the cycle of birth, death, and rebirth.
All things are born, like relationships, and they all die, as our relationship
did when he decided to "try" monogamy, and they will all be reborn,
with the discovery of new relationships.
Having never been married, I do not have any words for the spouses on whom the
cheating is done, other than the old adage, "what's sauce for the goose,
is sauce for the gander." Life is about growing and changing, so stop wasting
your time looking for the be all and end all of your lives, and go out and find
the here for now.