This may be a parody, but all you have to do is substitute the words homosexual for heterosexual and you have what some media people take as serious news. I wrote this as a tongue in cheek piece, to illustrate the absurdity of much of the anti-gay rhetoric I read.
Heterosexuality Can Be Cured!
A Gay Opinion/Parody 5/16/01
by R.A. Melos
If frank talk of heterosexuality is offensive to you, do not read!
In ancient times we would've burned them at the stake, but we are living in
modern times, when their misguided preferences can be corrected, if they will
only seek the help they need. Yes my friends, I'm speaking of conversion therapy.
Thanks to the miracles of modern psychological therapy, we can correct the aberration
which is, if you'll pardon the term, heterosexuality.
Yes, the Heterosexual Pride movements around the world have been very disturbing
to watch, but our society is in itself to blame for allowing ourselves to tolerate
this abhorrent behavior of opposite sex co-mingling. With the terrible political
climate of "don't ask, don't tell," which forced our military to allow
heterosexuals to serve along side our own kind, not to mention the abominable
vote to allow opposite sex civil unions in Utah, I fear the appalling truth
may be, we are too late to help many of those corrupted souls save themselves
from a lifetime of depravity, and breeding.
With the help of several renown psychologists, who have all worked with the
Ex-Straight movement and the Society for the Prevention of Heterosexuality,
we have conducted studies which have conclusively proven beyond a shadow of
a doubt, heterosexuals can be cured of their mental disorder. Yes, I know, due
to the very tolerant times in which we live, we no longer consider heterosexuality
a disease, but I can think of no other way of describing such abhorrent behavior.
I just can not imagine the mind set an individual must be in to choose such
a lifestyle, of breeding without the aid of artificial insemination, or having
sexual contact with a person of the opposite sex, but I know there are those
among you who are very liberal and feel we should simply allow the heterosexuals
to continue there chosen lifestyles without our efforts to save them from themselves.
I must ask you, how could you allow these poor misguided souls to live their
lives without hope of eternal salvation, to go about each day knowing they are
not living as Goddess wanted?
No, unlike that preacher woman in Kansas, Frederica something or other, I do
not believe Goddess Hates Hets, as her infamous web site proclaims. I do not
believe the great spiritual powers of the Supreme Universal Being hates anyone,
for we are all her children. What I believe is, we can cure these poor misguided
heterosexuals, and set them on a path of self love, instead of the self-loathing
which keeps them closeted.
Oh, I know what you're thinking, I'm just another crackpot, offering the poor
misguided heterosexual false hope, but the results of our conversion therapy
have been 99% successful. With the help of several movers and shakers in the
field of mental/emotional corrective sexual re-identification, I have seem amazing
results.
Yes, there have been a few setbacks, but that is to be expected with any new
form of therapy. We've come so far from the days of elector-shock therapy, and
chemical suppression of their sick and twisted desires, yet most of society
is still on the fence over simply repetitive psychological reinforcement of
the natural homosexual order of things. I fear we may be too late to really
pursue this form of therapy on many of the adults stricken with this disorder.
However, it isn't too late for our children.
We've all donated eggs or sperm to the insemination process time and again,
and yet many of the parents I see every day fear one or more of their offspring
might have heterosexual tendencies. I share your pain, but we love our children,
no matter what abominable choice of life path they may be on, and now we can
offer them the sexual corrective re-identification therapy they need.
Our studies have shown, taking the football away from little Johnnie doesn't
hurt his truly athletic nature, it only allows us to reinforce his sensitive
homosexual nature. Taking the monkey wrench away from little Mary will not make
her rebel and turn into a card carrying heterosexual determined to become pregnant
through non-artificial means by the time she's eighteen.
We are only attempting to correct an anomaly which some say is a genetic defect.
I do not believe this DNA theory in the least. It's only a smokescreen being
presented by heterosexual supportive scientists in an effort to corrupt the
minds of Goddess fearing homosexuals. We can not allow our beliefs in the sanctity
of same-sex marriages, the knowledge ours is the true natural order of things,
to be further deteriorated by the loose morality of a handful of societal subversives.
Yes, we have allowed our society to go merrily on it's way to Hell by allowing
our media to openly tout heterosexuality with such seemingly innocent television
programs as Grace and Will! Oh yes, the story of a heterosexual woman and a
perfectly normal homosexual man sharing a friendship, and an truly divine apartment,
is just one of the examples of media subversion. I must bring up the horrendous
epidemic of "het kissing" on prime time television.
I watched in horror as an openly heterosexual couple attended a prom on Dawson's
Pond. Dear Goddess, have we abandon all morality for sensationalism in the media.
If it were only fictional programming which openly supports such offensive behavior,
I might be able to overlook it, or chalk it up to the loose morality of Hollywood,
where we know heterosexuality runs rampant, but hard hitting news programming
is now actually giving credence to the theories of "nature born hets."
It didn't help to have several big named film stars come out of the closet and
admit to heterosexual relationships. And the rumor of Ellen Degeneres being
heterosexual is just too unbelievable, but our children are being barraged with
these type of news stories, all designed to promote tolerance of heterosexuality,
and destroy the very foundations of our homosexual society.
My friends, I urge you to support the sexually corrective re-identification
therapy, and to help guide your misguided heterosexual family members and friends
into the program with all due haste. We cannot afford to lose our best and brightest
to the immorality of heterosexuality.
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