This was both a political statement, and a statement on relationships. I was mostly hinting to my ex-lover, I wanted answers as to why he hurt me so much? Why he was such a jerk? Why I couldn't get over him? I had a lot of why questions, to which I'll never learn the answers, and that is something which really bugs me. I like to know the answers, and dealing with the because-that's-the-way-it-is attitude really doesn't set well with me.
Disappointed on Many Levels
A Gay Opinion 10/19/00
by R. A. Melos
With the United States Presidential election looming on
the horizon in less than one month, the issues are being beaten to death, for
the enjoyment of the blood thirsty public, in the form of debates which, in
turn, get beaten in the ratings by reruns of Silver Spoons on Nick At Night.
It's not the issues which have become boring, it's the duplicity of the candidates
who have disappointed the public on so many levels which is costing Networks
advertising revenue.
In fairness to all the least likely to succeeds, I won't single out any of the
lesser known candidates; instead limiting my comments to the past candidates
and current stars of the "Show". My reason for doing this is simple,
I just don't care enough about the rest to acknowledge them. I'm sure they feel
they are important enough to at least get an honorable mention, but lets face
it, either Gore or Bush will emerge victor, and I don't even remember the names
of all the little people who put them in the contender's seats.
Political debates are a verbal fisticuffs. If we were to actually put Al and
Dubya into a ring and let them have a real go at each other, Gore would kick
Dubya 's sorry gubernatorial butt back to Texas. Of course our electoral system
is not based on who is the strongest, but rather, it is based on who has the
biggest wallet. Oops, sorry, that's what the media wants us to believe based
on the amount of time spent on researching campaign spending.
Hey guys! Whip 'em out and let's see whose got the bigger one. (I'm referring
to wallets. Although I hear not everything in Texas grows big).
So if the electoral system isn't based on strength or financial attributes,
what is it based on?
Forget all those political analysts who will explain our electoral system. I'll
explain it all for you in simple language.
Our electoral system is based on who can be the most convincing. It has very
little to do with truth and lies, and everything to do with an individual's
desire for something to believe in.
We all want someone to come along and give us something to believe in, those
magic words which will make our lives perfect. I'm not talking about a spiritual
belief, as in Jesus or a Goddess, but a belief in another human being's ability
to be everything and do everything they claim to, and then be just a little
bit more so we may place them on a pedestal.
William Jefferson Clinton toppled from that lofty position when his lies finally
caught up with him. In all truth, the American public didn't forgive him for
the level of disappointment he created within them, they simply learned to live
with the truth; the president of the United States was a flawed individual just
like everyone else.
The unfortunate side effect of his flawed individualism is the left over feeling
of disappointment in all of us. What is the point of voting when, horror of
horrors, we all know and finally believe what has been said for centuries about
politicians.
You can't trust a politician.
So, in spite of the good any one person can do in their lives, for themselves
and the world, they can never live down the feeling of disappointment they create
in another person by their own denial and lies. Once you've been disappointed,
the feeling never quite leaves.
Oh sure, you can replace the one who caused your disappointment, but you never
really get beyond the feeling of being let down. Then, with each subsequent
disappointment, we come to expect it and accept it. Finally you get to the point
where, while you are desperate for someone to trust and believe in again, you
feel it is a futile desire.
In disgust, remorse, and confusion, you ask the universe "why?" You
know you would like to ask the one who disappointed you "why?", but
you know they won't have and answer. So you learn to live with your disappointment,
toughen yourself up, and go on feeling a little more apathetic toward the world
in general.
Maybe, you think, the next one to come along will restore your faith, and you
even secretly hope this is true, but deep in your heart and soul you know it
will never be.
One lie, one denial, can cause a world of damage, whether it is spoken to a
judicial committee or a partner. Once that disappointment has been created,
it can take an eternity to erase, and possibly may never be erased.
For me, the political system has always been a lie. Politics, like any relationship,
is one of mutual trust. My sense of trust is long gone. Maybe it took being
disappointed by a liar and a cheat to awaken me to a new level of thinking,
but it still doesn't justify the actions of the one who disappointed me.
I. for one, will miss William Jefferson Clinton when he's out of office. Even
though he was a cheat and a liar, I knew what to expect from him. I felt comfortable
and secure. I guess I know how Monica Lewinsky felt.
Too bad we've got to get used to a complete new set of disappointments from
Al or Dubya. I'll miss the old set, at least I knew the level of disappointment
they were capable of bring me to, and accepted it as it was.