This is a sequel article, to "Straight" Expectations, delving more into the emotional side of expectations. My expectations have changed since writing this, because of the cruel acts of terrorism which took place on September 11, 2001. Expectations, prior to that date involved a sense of safety or security in my life, which was already shaky due to much of my life experience.
My expectations are of a world where you truly cannot trust completely, or understand completely, but accept or hope or pray you can and will in another place and time.
"Straight" Expectations II
A Gay Opinion 09/19/00
by R.A. Melos
In the first installment of this article I ended up talking less about "straight"
expectations and more about my emotional unrest after being thrown aside by
the hot stud I sometimes refer to as Mr. Right. However, this subject does lead
me well into the second installment of this article, and allows me to delve
into the emotional side of expectations.
Many people, including my ex-lover, wonder why I haven't simply moved on to
another relationship. After all, I was tossed aside, and should simply accept
it and move on to someone new. Well I do accept being dumped, that isn't the
problem. The problem with moving on, is the emotional expectations I had during
my relationship with Mr. Right were much higher than his expectations.
For me to enter into any sexual relationship there is a great deal of emotional
involvement. However a relationship and love do not go hand in hand, nor does
the level of emotional involvement. While for me to give my heart and soul to
a situation is a major decision, a complete change of mind set on how I view
myself and my life, apparently for my ex-lover, and many others in society,
the emotional involvement in entering and leaving a relationship is comparable
to the emotional involvement which one puts into purchasing a carton of milk.
I have been asked why I would open my feelings on these matters in such a public
manner?
While some people choose to sit before a fireplace contemplating their emotions
in the flicker of the flames, very privately, I choose to write about it and
place it all on the web for anyone interested.
After rereading part one of this article I realize I was very negative in my
opinion of Mr. Right's second wife, more so in the way she became his second
wife. This was very hypocritical of me, since I have stated in previous writings,
had I been out and open to my homosexuality at the time, I would've done the
exact same things to get what I wanted. Well, not the exact same things, I couldn't
tell him I was pregnant and got an abortion, since I can't get pregnant, but
you get the idea.
I obviously have a biased opinion of Mr. Right's second wife, however, I am
in the minority as far as society seems to be concerned. I can attest to societies
indifference and acceptance of using any means to break up a marriage in order
to get a mate, by example of all the second and third wives whom I deal with,
while working in real estate, who proudly tell me how they took their mate from
his previous spouse.
So obviously the expectations I grew up with, the ones taught to me by my heterosexual
parents, the ones which tell me a marriage or union between two people is sacred,
are wrong. Society seems perfectly willing to accept all people in relationships
being up for grabs by any single person looking for a mate of their own.
I guess it is reasonable to expect there is another person circling around out
there somewhere waiting for Mrs. Right's mate to get the urge to wander again.
And I guess it is also an expectation of society all mates get the urge to wander,
since every television program from talk show to drama to comedy deals with
the subject of cheating mates.
So while I've been dealing with the emotional fallout of being outed by my ex-lover,
and changing the entire way I look at my life and at society, which is another
reason I haven't moved on to a new sex-partner, society has been changing their
expectations from those I was raise to believe in, to a free-for-all-everything-goes
expectational system.
Obviously, since I am a gay male, society foolishly expects me to consider only
other gay males as potential partners, and I do. Mr. Right told me straight
out he consider himself bisexual, so he would be fair game if I wanted to have
him back. Lucky for Mrs. Right I've been there and done that, and am looking
for newer pastures.
The emotional extremes of the outing process have opened me up to an entirely
new way of viewing society. While I feel, as a gay male, it is my obligation
to homosexual society to live my life as openly and honestly as possible, and
to continue to write articles such as these so other homosexuals know they are
not alone, I also feel my view of what is expected and accepted has drastically
changed.
Several years ago, I would have thought a relationship was a means of emotional
security, but now, thanks to Mr. Right and his second wife of the moment, I
see society in general doesn't view marriage sacred unless they are talking
about heterosexual unions, and by their very actions Mr. and current Mrs. Right
have proven even heterosexual unions are not to be considered sacred. So the
expectation of emotional security in any kind of a union is purely the illusion
of those involved in the union, and is as secure as they truly want it to be.
So my life can serve as a warning to all homosexuals involved in a relationship
with a straight-lying, "straight-living" homosexual. Once my opinion
of these relationships would have been to either run from the relationship before
you get hurt or accept it for what it is, but that has changed. Now my opinion
is to pull out all the stops.
If I want someone I'll let them know it, whether they are single and out and
gay, or married and closeted. The only requirement is they must be open to me,
and honest with me about their expectations (I believe in full disclosure),
and I expect to give the same in return.
I don't regret all I've been through emotionally to reach this point in my life,
and I don't regret losing Mr. Right, but if I had to do it all over again, or
if I am given the opportunity of another chance at a relationship, I will make
sure my expectations are known up front and I'll make sure the object of my
affections knows just what he means to me.
I guess where expectations are concerned, always expect the unexpected.