>A balloon that Tommy was playing gets wedged under the coffee table. Tommy
>tries to grab it, but before he got to the balloon, he bumps his head on
>the table's edge. Tommy falls down and cries. Didi walks in.

>Didi: What happened? What happened?
>Stu: Huh? Gee, I don't know, honey -- he was just fine a minute ago.
>Didi: Oh, no! Stu, look at that gigantic bruise!
>We look at Tommy's bruise. Then he looks up, smiling.
>Stu: Didi, he probably just bumped his head trying to get that balloon.

Mike: Yea, that balloon's a death trap. Why don't you give Tommy a nice
dry-cleaning bag to playwith instead.

>Didi: Stu, are you blaming Tommy's concussion on the balloon?

Crow: BALLOONS DON'T GIVE PEOPLE CONCUSSIONS, PEOPLE GIVE PEOPLE 
CONCUSSIONS!!

>Stu: Concussion?
>Stu looks underneath the table at the balloon. When he gets up, he bumps 
>his
>head on the table.
>Didi: It's not the balloon's fault, Stu. Oh, how can Betty and I trust you
>dads with the babies during the game this afternoon? You won't watch them
>at all.
>Stu: Of course we will!
>Didi: Don't be silly. After kickoff all you boys will be thinking about is
>guzzling soda and gobbling pork rinds.
>Stu: (giving referee's  "time out" signal) Whoa, time out, Didi! I haven't
>had pork rinds in years.

Mike: (as Stu) Plus, we'll be guzzling beer, not soda!

>Didi: Maybe I should just stay home. This place is an accident waiting to
>happen.
>Stu: Didi, he won't hurt himself again.

Crow: (as Stu) I'll do it for 'em.

>I promise.
>Didi: Well... maybe you're right.
>Tommy walks to the table and once again bumps his head. We zoom into Didi's
>mouth as she screams.
>Cut to the basement, where Stu is working on an invention. Grandpa watches
>him.

Mike: (as Stu) Those folks at Radio Shack said I was mad! MAD! Well who's 
mad
now?!?! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!

>Grandpa: You're gonna what?

Mike: (as Stu) I'M GONNA TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!! HAHAHA!!! As soon as I'm
finished this mind control laser, the world is mine! MINE!!!

>Stu: I'm gonna invent something that'll keep Tommy from hurting himself,
>Pop.

Tom: (as Stu) I think I'll call it a "gun".

>Grandpa: You can't keep a baby from hurtin' hisself! Why, when I was a
>sprat, I used to crawl through Ma's cactus garden, huntin' for horny toads.
>Stu: (skeptical) Horny toads, Pop?
>Grandpa: That's what I said! And all I had on was my birthday suit!

Tom: (as Grampa) That's right! In my day, we used to crawl naked back and 
forth
through the cactus patch! For 15 miles! In 10 feet of snow! Uphill, both 
ways!
And then when we got home, we had to work 25 hours a day before going to 
bed!!!

>What're you gonna do, put Tommy in a bubble?
>(We see a sketch of Tommy in a bubble.)

Mike: (as narrator) We Tommy slowly asphyxiating.

>Stu: Well, if I don't think of something, we dads are gonna have to take
>turns looking after the kids. That means watching the game in shifts.
>Grandpa: (surprised) Shifts? Well, let's get busy, then!
>Tommy empties the popcorn out of the bowl and places the empty bowl on his
>head. Stu looks.
>Stu: (amazed) Pop! That's it! Look! Protective head gear!
>Grandpa: Huh?
>Stu picks up the phone and calls Drew. We cut to Drew's house, where we see
>Angelica making faces and scaring her kitty, Fluffy. Drew's phone rings; he
>picks up the receiver.

Mike: WAAAAZZZZZZUUUUPPPP?!?!?!

>Drew: Drew.
>Stu: Drew? Stu.
>Drew: Stu?
>Stu: Right, Drew. Listen, I think I've solved this baby sitting thing. Get
>a hold of all the other dads and tell 'em the game is still on. And Drew?
>Drew: Yeah, Stu?
>Stu: This is top secret.

Crow: (as Stu) Wait, make that ultra-super-duper-top-secret classified! And 
to
make sure no one can learn about this, we'll have to kill ourselves to keep 
it
a secret!!!

>We cut back to the living room.
>Stu: Oh Didi! We've got something to show you!
>Didi: What's going on?
>Stu: Didi, you and Betty may go to the mall WITHOUT FEAR.

Mike: (as Stu) That's because I hired a nice young British nanny to watch 
him!

>Didi: We can?
>Stu: That's right. Because Tommy is now virtually UNBRUISABLE.
>Didi: He is?

Crow: (as Stu) Yep, I encased him in a block of concrete.

>Stu: Yeah! Here, I'll show you.

Mike: (as Stu) To demonstrate, I'll use this ordinary baseball bat. The
protective gear will protect him from my hardest swing, just watch! *WHAM*
...well, it still has some bugs to work out, but I'm sure Tommy will be
fine. He didn't use that arm anyway right?

>Didi: What on earth is it, Stu?
>Stu picks up Tommy. On his head, Tommy is wearing headgear composed of a
>toy turtle, 3 rolls of toilet paper and some string.

Tom: Would it have broken the bank to buy a bike helmet?

>Stu: Presenting the Bonkomatic Baby Bumper.
>Didi: The bonka-whosit baby what?
>Stu: The Bonkomatic Baby Bumper offers complete cranial suspension,
>protection from the 1001 hazards of the average American hosuehold,

Crow: (as Stu) For example, suppose I was a knife-bearing psyhco, or
leaking poisonous gas, the head gear would protect Tommy! Ya want me to
demonstrate?

>the absolute freedom of movement, and best of all, a worry-free day of 
>shopping for mom.
>Didi: Oh, I don't know, Stu. Are you sure it will work?

Tom: (as Stu) Of course! It's made from a sturdy asbestos fiber lining!

>Tommy walks at the table and bangs his head again. This time, he is
>uninjured, as the head gear protected him.

Mike: Sure, he's walked into the table 3 times now, and we're to believe
he's fine?

>Stu: Deed, it's guaranteed.
>Didi: Well... all right.
>We cut to the exterior of the front door from the ground view. The door
>opens. We see Didi's legs and feet as she walks out the door.
>Didi: Betty and I will be back in a few hours. Bye-bye!
>Cut back to living room. Grandpa & Stu give high fives.
>Grandpa & Stu: Yes!
>Cut to playpen Tommy is wearing his Bonkomatic.
>Phil: What's it for, anyway?
>Lil: Yeah, what's it for?
>Tommy: I think it's to keep my face from gettin' out.
>Cut to front door. Drew knocks.
>Grandpa: Halt! Who goes there?
>Drew: Hi, Pop.
>Grandpa: What's the password?
>Drew holds up a bag of pork rinds.
>Drew: Pork rinds?
>Grandpa: Bingo!
>Drew and the other guys enter.

Tom: Wait, if the password is bingo, why is he letting them in?
Crow: No, Gramp's gone senile, he still thinks he's playing bingo.

>Chazz pulls in a giant TV set with large
>speakers. Grandpa and Stu are wearing Houston Oilers (1991) shirts, while
>Drew and Howard wear Dallas Cowboys shirts. Chazz was wearing a green
>sweatshirt with a picture of a yellow chess knight on front.
>Stu: Hey, Charles. Great! You brought the big-screen TV! Oooh! In
>Surround-A-Thon stereo!
>Chazz: I dunno, Stu... maybe this football game isn't such a good idea.
>Wouldn't you rather watch the chess play-offs on The Culture Channel?

Tom: (as Chazz) Or maybe Nickelodeon, they always have something good on.
Pause.
Mike and the bots burst out laughing.

>Stu: Gee, I don't know. Whadda you think, guys?
>The other guys boo Chazz and give him thumbs down.

Mike: (random person in crowd) Kill him!
Tom: Suddenly I wish this were a Roman gladiator fights still.

>Cut back to playpen. Since the last time, Chuckie and Angelica were added.
>Tommy was still wearing the Bonkomatic.

Mike: If your kid needs a helmet to keep from getting hurt when he's in a
playpen, then ya know something's wrong with him.

>Angelica: What's that stupid thing you got on your head?

Crow: Why, that's his face!
Tom: Kids can be so mean.

>The guys walk to the playpen. Stu picks up Tommy.
>Stu: Guys, now that you're here, I can show everyone. Here it is, the
>answer to all our parenting problems -- the Bonkomatic Baby Bumper.

Mike: (as Stu) That's right! This will solve all our parenting problems! No
more changing diapers! No more putting them to sleep at night! No more 
having
to feed them! We just put this on and leave them in the closet till they're 
18!

>Guys, we're talking complete cranial protection here. Baby gets to play, 
>dad gets
>to go about his business and voila! No more worried moms. And best of all,
>each kid gets one!
>Grandpa, Drew & Howard: Yes!
>The guys hoot and walk back to the TV and sit down. The Ultra Bowl titles
>and music flash on the screen. Commentators Chick Hearn

Tom: Da heck kind of name is "Chick" for a guy???

>(the genuine
>article) and Hank Duff appear on screen, on the field.
>Chick: Hello again everybody, and welcome to our coverage of football's big
>event -- The Ultra Bowl. I'm Chick Hearn, coming to you live from the Lone
>Star State with my good friend, Hank Duff.
>Hank: Hi folks.
>Chick: Hank, how's it feel to be back on your home turf?
>Hank taps on ground with his foot.
>Hank: Feels great, Chick.
>Cut to rear view of couch as the guys cheer. Stu & Grandpa: Come on, 
>Houston!
>Drew & Howard: Go get'em Dallas!

Crow: Mike, is there some way that both teams could lose?

>Cut to front of couch; Chazz interrupts with his unnecessary knowledge.

Mike: I think having any knowledge would be unnecessary at Nickelodeon.

>Chazz: Actually, both teams have their strong points...
>The guys nod in disgust at Chazz.
>Meanwhile, we cut back to the playpen; all the Rugrats are wearing
>Bonkomatics -- Phil & Lil each have bowls on their head with a teddy bear
>on top and a toilet paper roll under their chin; Chuckie  was wearing a
>bucket with some sponges inside; Angelica was wearing a diaper on her head,
>held on with string and toilet paper.

Tom: Years from now, they'll be telling their psychiatrists about this.

>Tommy: Chuckie, you in there?
>Chuckie: I Think so.
>Angelica: I can't believe your dad made me wear this dumb baby helmet.
>Tommy: They're not dumb, Angelica; they're really neat.>

Mike: Tommy is also amused by wallpaper.

>Phil & Lil: Yeah!
>Phil: And look at this!
>Phil & Lil stand on their heads.
>Chuckie: Wow!

Tom: (as Chuckie, impressed) That's REALLY boring!

>Tommy: Come on Chuckie; let's do it!

All: BLEH!!!
Crow: Mike, would you kindly gouge out my eyes for me?
Tom: (disgusted) So much for this being a kid show.

>Tommy & Chuckie stand on their heads.

Crow: Oh, whew...

>Angelica: I learned this in ballet class!
>Angelica follows suit, but falls over dizzy.

Crow: (as Angelica) Of course, I wasn't drunk them.

>Cut back to guys.
>Grandpa: Yep! Back at Minnesota State, they called me The Galloping...
>uh... The Galloping...
>Drew: ...Geezer?
>Grandpa: Very funny! I was the Galloping -- hey, we out of pork rinds
>already?
>Stu: There's more in the kitchen, Pop. Hey, would'ya give the kids their
>bottles while you're up? (to the guys) Galloping Geezer!
>The guys laugh.

Mike: Ha-ha-ha SHUT UP!!!

>All the Rugrats are on their heads, but as Grandpa enters the area, they
>fall down.

Crow: (as Gramps) How 'bout a beer Tommy?

>He has milk bottles for them.
>Grandpa: Okay, sprouts! Milk break! (hands milk bottles to each Rugrat)
>Here ya go, Phil; and here's one for you Lil; and this one's for ol'
>Chuickie! And here's one for my little princess!
>Angelica: Bottles are for babies, Grandpa. I'm not a baby!
>Grandpa: I plum forgot! (gives a bottle of chocolate milk to Tommy) I fixed
>up something special for you, scout!
>Grandpa leaves. Angelica watches Tommy drink his chocolate milk, and teases
>him.
>Angelica: Drinky little baba, baby-boo?
>A drop of chocolate milk falls to the ground; Spike, who's with the Rugrats
>in the playpen, licks it up.
>Tommy: Wow! It's chocolate milk!
>Phil & Lil: Chocolate milk!
>Angelica: Chocolate milk! Gimme that bottle!
>Tommy: No! It's mine!
>Angelica: I said give it!
>Tommy: Uh-uh!
>Tommy & Angelica fight over the bottle in a "tug-of-war" fashion.
>Angelica: Gimme that chocolate milk! Gimme that bottle!
>Tommy and Angelica continue to struggle while we hear Chick and Hank do
>Ultra Bowl commentary. The Rugrats' actions coincide with the commentary.
>Chick: It's Sebastini with the draw play.
>Hank: Oooh, nowhere to go, Chick.
>Chick: But he squirts through to pick up seven yards before he's finally
>dragged down from behind.

Mike: (as Hank) Dragged down?! He got plowed over from behind, I don't think
he'll be walkin' away from that, or ever again for that matter.

>Hank: Nice second effort there, Chick.
>Chick: Thanks, Hank. Dallas falls second and three at their own 18 yard
>line.
>Tommy squirts Angelica and falls over; Tommy walks over her head.
>Back at the couch, the guys are paying more attention to the game, rather
>than to the Rugrats.
>Grandpa: Second and who?
>Other guys: Three!
>Grandpa: Turn it up, Stu; my ear's on the fritz.
>Cut back to Rugrats.
>Chick: Here's the snap. Dawkin's dropping back to throw but the pocket
>collapses around him. He's trapped in the back field. Big Bubba Nogursky
>breaks through.
>Hank: Oh, Bubba. Looks like a sack for sure, Chick.
>Chick: But wait! Kincaid is wide open at the line of scrimmage! Dawkins
>gets the ball off just as Bubba crashes him to the ground!>

Tom: (as Hank) And what a hit! Human legs are not meant to bend like that 
Chick!
Crow: (as Chick) Lets see that again in slow motion!

>While Angelica tackles Tommy, Chuckie catches the bottle. While they toss
>the bottle around, chocolate milk dribbles out of it.
>Cut to guys watching game on TV.
>Drew: Wow! What a shovel pass.
>Stu: Sheer luck.
>Cut back to Rugrats.
>Chick: Here comes a draw play up the middle, but Nogursky is there and he
>grabs Kincaid around the knees. Whoa, a fumble! Loose ball!
>Angelica tackles Chuckie; bottle rolls around.
>Hank: Boy, what's going on down there, Chick? This guy moves like nobody in
>the league!

Mike: (as Chick) That's because his arm's dislocated, Hank.

>Chick: But wait! DiAngelo dives on it! What a break for Dallas!
>Hank: He came out of nowhere, Chick..

Tom: (as Chick) That's right, DiAngelo's ability to teleport is really
coming in handy!

>Phil sees bottle, and dives on it; he sucks the bottle.
>Chick: And believe me, he doesn't wanna give up that ball. Dallas ball,
>first and 10 and the 11-yard line. What? The Statue of Liberty play! How
>long's it been since we've seen that one?
>Cut to Grandpa.
>Grandpa: Not since Minnesota state, young fella!
>Cut back to Rugrats.
>Tommy: Hey Lil! Over here!
>Chuckie:  Get it, Tommy!
>Chick: Look at this, hank. They're playing backyard football with this
>explosive Houston team! Not a prudent thing to do here in the House of
>Pain.

Tom: If anything is a house of pain, it's this theater.

>Uh-oh, Dawkins is tripped up by his own man, the line coming at him.
>After the Rugrats pass the bottle around, Phil tosses the bottle to Lil,
>who's riding on Spike's back. Lil tosses it to Chuckie, which bounces off
>his Bonkomatic and into the hands of Tommy. Angelica runs towards Tommy,
>but Lil trips her.
>Chick: Dawkins under severe pressure;

Mike: (as Chick) It's a little known fact that the pressure in these 
stadiums
are increased to 13 time atmospheric to help hold the roof up!

>he hesitates, he pump fakes the ball
>and he looks to Kincaid. He throws the bomb. It's intercepted, Hank!
>Angelica rushes toward Tommy. He fakes a throw and tosses bottle to
>Chuckie, only to have Angelica catch the bottle. The nipple comes off,
>causing the milk to splatter everywhere.
>Hank: Wow! Norgursky made an all-pro move on this one, Chick. Let's take
>another look.
>We see the same above action again, in slow motion.
>Hank: Mud everywhere, Chick.
>Back to regular motion; Angelica sucks on bottle.
>Chick: What a mess, Hank. We'll be back with more Ultra Bowl coverage after
>these important messages.

Mike: By important messages, he is of course referring to the tons of lousy 
beer,
car,and soda ads. Clearly stuff you don't want to miss!

>Ultra Bowl theme starts.
>Angelica: It's empty!
>Angelica cries loud and long.
>Didi: Angelica Pickles!  What in the world is going on here?
>Angelica: Huh?
>The guys look behind couch to find Didi and Betty, and to find the living
>room in a big mess.
>Guys: Huh? Oh oh.
>Didi: (angrily) What are the kids covered with, and what are those horrible
>stains all over my living room?
>Betty: I don't know, Deed; looks like chocolate milk.
>Didi: Chocolate milk?
>Grandpa laughs nervously.
>Didi: Who was watching her when this happened?
>Chazz: I told you we should have watched the chess tournament.
>The Rugrats sit innocently

Crow: (ominously) That's right, no one suspects... the baby!

>in the middle of the floor covered with
>chocolate milk Spike walks to Angelica and licks her.
>Angelica: Eww! Yuck! Ick! Get'im off of me!
>Other Rugrats: Allright!
>Rugrats give each other high fives and fall on the floor.
>The End