Men & Women of the
A Korean on Frank: I don't
know his name. He had what we call in Korea a real fertilizer face.
A North Korean to Frank: Go back to your camp! It's the best thing you could do
for our side!
Henry: It's bad enough that she's having a baby and I can't even be there with
Radar: Well, at least you were there for the important part.
Radar, already at his elbow: Sir?
Hawkeye: Instant Corporal.
Hawkeye, looking for maps of the minefield: Why aren't they under 'M'?
Radar: Because they're under 'B' for 'boom.'
Hawkeye: This is it, Radar, we're approaching nirvana.
Radar: Is that near Chicago?
Nurse: Does anyone know where the vascular clamps are?
B.J.: Yeah, they're in a box of things you can't swallow.
Nurse: It's gonna take me a long time to learn this system. Hawkeye, can I read
the label on that box? "Surgical stuff and purple things"?
Igor: I'm gonna go where people don't yell at me when I put the food down in
front of 'em. I'm gonna be a pig farmer!
Rizzo: Whaddya mean 'gonna be'?
Potter: Klinger, how can you be king of the gypsies when
Klinger: Good question. I was stolen from the gypsies by two ruthless Lebanese
peasants who brought me up as their own flesh and blood.
Hawkeye, enjoying himself: I like this!
Hawkeye: Washing socks?
Trapper: I have to. I left them out for the elves to do last night. They
wouldn't touch 'em.
Hawkeye: Can you blame them?
Henry: Houlihan's got the nurses so crazy half of 'em can't sleep at night.
Trapper: Yeah? Which ones?
Hawkeye: Your mind is in the gutter!
Trapper: I can't help it. It's attached to my body.
Hawkeye: Stand up straight.
Trapper: I'm standing straight. The country's crooked.
Attention all personnel.
Because of the epidemic, tonight's broken film which has not arrived yet is
cancelled. A reminder from Colonel Blake, due to the flu kindly refrain from
kissing anyone unless absolutely necessary. -- PA
Attention all personnel. Since there are no casualties again today, tonight's
midnight movie will be seen at nine o'clock this morning. Also, midnight will be
cancelled. -- PA
Attention everybody. Incoming wounded. Get yours while they last. Tell your
friends. -- PA
A reminder that the 4077th Christmas party for the Korean children in the area
will be held today at fourteen hundred hours. So everyone turn out to meet the
kids. Santa will be there too; we can only hope he's sober. -- PA
What good is it to be a Ferrari if you are out of gas? -- Corpsman Ignazio
You are toying with me like a cat with a dead moose! -- Corpsman Desimone
...In the meantime, be on the
lookout for a male caucasian lamb. He is unarmed, and considered to be
delicious. -- PA announcer
Due to the number of people bored last Sunday, next Sunday will be canceled. --
Attention all personnel. When filling out GI insurance forms, be sure to state
your age and sex at the time of your last birthday. -- PA
And now direct from North Korea, here he is for the sixth hit week, 5 O'clock
Charlie, his airplane, and his astigmatism! -- PA
And that concludes 5 O'clock Charlie for today, folks. Hope you enjoyed him as
much as North Korea enjoyed bringing him to ya. Results of the pool will be
announced in just a few minutes. Join us tomorrow same time. Until then, have a
nice war. -- PA
Attention. Major Houlihan, your chest x-rays are ready and they really came out
beautiful. -- PA
Attention all personnel. Due
to circumstances beyond our control, lunch will be served today. -- PA
Attention all personnel. By
order of Major Frank Burns, lights out in ten minutes sharp. Anyone not in their
own beds at that time will have to spend the night wherever they are. -- PA
With a screw driver I'm a regular Leonard daVinci -- Sgt. Zale
Patient, seeing Klinger: Doc,
how come my nurse needs a shave?
(Klinger goes hang-gliding
past in a housecoat and slippers.)
Hawkeye: Did you see that?
Hawkeye: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
Trapper: Hawkeye, did you see that?
Hawkeye: What did you see?
Trapper: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet!
Hawkeye to the nurse: See?
Hawkeye: Frank, I happen to be an officer only because I foolishly opened an
invitation from President Truman to come to this costume party. And as for my
ability as a doctor, if you seriously question that, I'm afraid I'll just have
to challenge you to a duel.
Trapper: Swords or pistols?
Hawkeye: I'm thinking specimen bottles at twenty paces.
Frank: There are ladies present.
Hawkeye: Sorry, baby.
Margaret: Major to you.
Hawkeye: Sorry, Major baby.
Radar to Hawkeye and Trapper:
Just 'cause I don't fool around like you guys doesn't mean I don't fool around
like you guys!