[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Monica and Rachel are there with the baby.]
Rachel: And the dirty diapers - (proud of herself) I changed some!
Monica: That’s great Rach. She’s so adorable.
Rachel: I know, isn’t she though?
Monica: So how are you and Ross?
Rachel: Great. We’ve never been better. We take turns with her and when he brings Ben over he plays with her.
Monica: I couldn’t be more happy for you Rach.
(Phoebe enters.)
Phoebe: Oh my God! Guess what?!
Rachel: Chandler’s always good at this game.
Phoebe: No but yeah. I’m going to be in a movie!
Monica: Joey’s?
Phoebe: No, Phoebe’s.
Monica: No I meant with Joey.
Phoebe: Oh no. That’s just it. Joey’s never even heard about it. He needs a new agent. (pause) Anyway, I was just walking through the park and this guy came up to me and asked me if I wanted a big part in a movie because I fit the description perfect. (looks like she’s going to say something else but doesn’t)
Rachel/Monica: That’s great! Wow! Congratulations!
(Joey enters sees Rachel and leaves.)
Phoebe: What’s going on?
Rachel: Things are a little weird between us.
Phoebe: I’m gonna go tell Joey the big news!! (starts to leave)
Monica: Wait, whoa! Phoebe are you sure that’s a good idea? I mean Joey’s waited his whole life to get a big part in a movie and hasn’t yet and then you take a walk and get one. Are you sure he’s not gonna be mad?
Phoebe: No, he should be happy for me. (leaves)
(Ross enters with Chandler.)
Ross: Have you guys seen Joey?
Rachel: Yeah, he just left. Why?
Ross: He was supposed to go to the knicks game with Chandler and didn’t so I went instead but I was just wondering if he was okay.
Chandler: Yeah they were courtside seats! Joey would never miss that unless he was dead or there was a BIG sandwich company going out of business.
Monica: What does that have to do with anything?
Chandler: When things go out of business they give you free stuff or have sales. Free food equals Joey.
Ross: Well, I’ll see you guys later I have to get home and get to bed I have to go to work early in the morning. Thanks Chandler.
Chandler: You’re welcome.
Ross: You coming now Rach or later?
Rachel: I’ll go now. I’ll see you later.
Chandler/Monica: Bye.
(Rossand Rachel leaves.)
Chandler: Something’s really wrong with Joey. I thought he would get over this by seeing the Knicks and he didn’t even show up.
Monica: Maybe he’s not ready to get over it.
Chandler: But it’s time.
Monica: Just before you guys came in he came in, saw Rachel, and left.
Chandler: See. That’s what I’m talking about. He’s acting like me that one time I didn’t get out of my pajamas for a long time after that girl broke up with me.
Monica:One of us should talk to him.
Chandler: Yeah. I will.
Monica: No I will.
Chandler: He’s my best friend.
Monica: So he’s in love with my best friend!
Chandler: Okay. You know what let’s just let them work it out.
Monica: Okay. It’s time for bed.Chandler: All right. (they go in the bedroom)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Phoebe: Are you okay? Chandler said you didn’t go to the game.
Joey: Yeah, I didn’t feel like it.
Phoebe: Guess what?
Joey: What?
Phoebe: I got a part in a movie!
Joey: You’re joking right?
Phoebe: No. Why?
Joey: This is supposed to be my thing. I’m supposed to be the one that gets parts. How did you get one?
Phoebe: I just went for a walk.
Joey: I can’t believe this!!
Phoebe: I thought you would be happy for me!
Joey: Happy?! No I’m not happy I haven't got in a movie yet and you a non-actor gets in one!! This sucks! (leaves)
Phoebe: (to Gunther) Gunther I got a part in a movie! Yay!
Gunther: (doesn’t care) That’s nice. Shouldn’t you be going after your friend Chandler?
Phoebe: Joey.
Gunther: Whatever.
Phoebe: Joey! Oh no! (runs out after him)
[Scene:Ross and Rachel’s, the next day, Ross is getting ready for bed as Rachel is feeding the baby.]
Ross: I should be home around 5:00.
Rachel: Okay.
Ross: I’ll see you then. (kisses her) Bye Alexia. (kisses her and leaves)
(Monica enters.)
Monica: Hey Rachel. Has Joey talked to you yet?
Rachel: No.
Monica: Oh. Has Chandler talked to Joey today?
Rachel: I don’t know. I haven’t seen Joey since the hospital.
Monica: Have you tried to talk to him?
Rachel: Not really.
Monica: You should try. You guys are friends. He took care of you during your pregnancy. At least try.
Rachel: Okay. I will. I’ll talk to him later today.
Monica: Good okay I have to go talk to Chandler. Bye.
Rachel: Bye.
(Monica leaves. The phone rings.)
Rachel: (on phone) Hello? (listens) Oh Ross. Hi. (listens) No, not again. Ross, you promised that you would take off for a while.
(Cut to Ross at work.)
Ross: I know and I’m sorry. They think they found a bone that could lead us to a whole other dinosaur. I’m sorry. As soon as I take care of this I’ll be home.
(Cut to Rachel at home.)
Rachel: Where is it?
(Cut to Ross.)
Ross: In Kentucky. I know it’s like the least place you would expect to find a dinosaur bone but I have to go there for a few days.
(Cut to Rachel.)
Rachel: Why couldn’t you have told me when you got home?
(Cut to Ross.)
Ross: Because we have to leave immediately.
(Cut to Rachel.)
Rachel: Ross. (listens) Okay, I’ll see you in two days. I love you to. Bye. (hangs up)
[Scene: Joey’s, Monica enters.]
Monica:Joey? Joey? Must not be here. (goes to his room and we hear something fall down and a squawk and Monica runs out with the duck) Oh no, no, no, no, no!! Joey’s going to kill me!! Gotta call the vet!! (runs out with the duck)(
Chandler enters and leaves the door open.)
Chandler: Joe! Joey! You here? (opens the cabinets and gets out some peanut butter, the chick comes chirping) Hey chick. (holds up the peanut butter) This isn’t made out of chicken I promise. (starts to leave) Hey. Where’s the duck? (looks around and sees the door open) No! No, no! Man, today is not my day! (to chick) You didn’t see anything! I have to go find the duck. (leaves)
[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s, Rachel is changing the baby as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Whoa. You look wore out.
Rachel: I am. Ross won’t be home for two days.
Phoebe: Where’d he go?
Rachel: To some digging for bones or something.
Phoebe: Who’s helping you with the baby?
Rachel: No one.
Phoebe: Well you look like crap.
Rachel: Thanks I can never hear that enough.
Phoebe: No I mean you should get someone to help you.
Rachel: Do you wanna do it?
Phoebe: I wish I could but I can’t.I have that movie thing.
Rachel: Where’s Monica?
Phoebe: I don’t know I haven’t seen her.
Rachel: Chandler?
Phoebe: Haven’t seen him.
Rachel: Well, I guess I’m by myself.
Phoebe: What about Joey?
Rachel: I think things are still a little to weird to ask him to help out with the baby until Ross gets back.
Phoebe: Oh. Okay I’ll see if Monica or Chandler will come and stay with you.
Rachel: Thanks Pheebs.
Phoebe: Yeah. (leaves)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey. Can I talk to you?
Phoebe: I don’t your head might be to big for - (can’t think of anything) y’know.
Joey: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get so mad it’s just, it’s this whole Rachel thing. I’m sorry.
Phoebe: It’s okay. I understand. I’m not going to be in the movie.
Joey: No Phoebe this is your big chance don’t let me ruin that.
Phoebe: Joey you’re an actor I’m a singer. I’m going to call them and refer you because they were looking for a male actor as well.
Joey: Oh Pheebs. (hugs her)
Phoebe: Maybe you should talk to Rachel. And you haven’t even seen the baby since she came home from the hospital.
Joey: I know. I want to. It’s just I think things will be weird.
Phoebe: So what? If you want to then she’s looking for someone to help her with the baby a couple of days.
Joey: Where’s Ross?
Phoebe: He went on a dig or something.
Joey: I don’t know Phoebe.
Phoebe: No!! (he jumps) You’re going to go! This weirdness has to stop! It shouldn’t be weird.
Joey: Okay I’ll go see her tonight.
Phoebe: Okay. Thank you.
Joey: You’re welcome.
Phoebe: Come on let’s get some hugs in here. (they hug)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Chandler is there tearing apart the apartment as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Did Monica die?!
Chandler: What?! No!! Why?
Phoebe: The apartment is a mess!
Chandler: I know! What am I going to do?!
Phoebe: Well you should probably write a will because Monica’s gonna kill you.
Chandler: I don’t care about Monica! (pause) That didn’t come out right. I care about Monica but I have bigger troubles right now.
Phoebe: What’s wrong?
Chandler: I lost the duck!
Phoebe: Is that what you name yours? Sam this guy I used to date he named his -
Chandler: Phoebe!! I meant Joey’s duck the duck that goes quack, quack!
Phoebe: Oh! That duck. (famous line) Oh no.
Chandler: Come on help me find it!
Phoebe: How do you know it’s in here?
Chandler: Well I don’t. But I already checked everywhere else.Come on!
[Scene: The vet, Monica is there with the duck waiting in the waiting room.]
Monica: (to some lady) Hey.
Lady: Hey.
Monica: So, what’re you bringing in?
Lady: My dog.
Monica: Oh.
Lady: You?
Monica: My duck.
Lady: You have a pet duck?
Monica: It’s not mine it’s my friend Joey’s he’s - you know what I don’t know you I don’t have to explain myself.
Vet: (comes out) Monica Geller. Follow me.
(Monica and him walk back to the back. The vet starts examining him.)
Vet: What happened to him?
Monica: Uh, I don’t know. Uh, my husband stepped on him. Yeah, that’s it.
Vet: Oh. What’s his name?
Monica: (starts to say something, pauses) You know what? I have no idea. I don’t even think he has a name.
Vet: Okay, then for now we’ll just call him John Doe.
Monica: Okay. Fair enough.
Vet: I’ll be right back.
(Time lapses, he comes back in.)
Vet: It seems he just has a little fracture on his leg. We’ll get him fixed right up. But I have to tell you there’s what looks like a quarter inside of him.
Monica: Let it stay there it’s probably something Joey did.
[Scene: The dig, Ross is digging through the dirt with Donald, his boss.]
Ross: Donald we’ve been out here for almost a day and found nothing! Are you sure this is where they said?
Donald: I’m positive.
Ross: (starts to get worked up) Well I have a newborn child that I could’ve found more digging through her diapers than here!!
Donald: Ross I think you need to calm down.
Ross: Okay. I’m sorry.
Donald: If you need to take some more pills I brought some with us just to be y’know on the safe side.
Ross: Thank you. Seriously though more stuff in a diaper than here.
[Scene :Ross and Rachel’s, Rachel is there putting the baby to sleep with her on the couch as Joey knocks on the door.]
Rachel: Come in.
(Joey enters awkwardly.)
Joey: Hey.
Rachel: Hi.
Joey: I uh, I talked to Phoebe and she said you needed help with the-the baby.
Rachel: Yeah.
(There’s an awkward silence.)
Rachel: I’m glad you came by Joey.
Joey: Yeah, it’s-it’s no problem.
Rachel: Are you okay?
Joey: Yeah. (Rachel starts to getup) Whoa. Don’t get up. You should be resting. What do you need?
Rachel: I was going to get me a glass of water.
Joey: I’ll get it for you. (goes and gets it and hands it to her then sits down on the couch)
Rachel: Thank you.
Joey: You’re welcome. Hey, there’s supposed to be a good movie on TV. Do-do you wanna watch it?
Rachel: Okay.
Joey: (feeling a little morecomfortable) Okay.
Rachel: (turns on the TV) Would you turn that light out there’s a glare on the TV.
Joey: Yeah, sure. (turns it off)
(Time lapses, the movie ends.)
Joey: That was pretty good.
(He looks over at Rachel and she’s asleep. Hegets up, goes to her room and gets a blanket, puts it around her and kisses heron the cheek. Then he lays down in the floor beside her.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Chandler and Phoebe are sitting down from being exhausted and the apartment is more messed up than before.]
Chandler: I give up.
Phoebe: No! We cannot let him win!
Chandler: You’re right. Let’s go look outside.
Phoebe: Ooh, but first we should clean up.
Chandler: Yeah. (they just sit there) You know what I’m tired we can do it in a minute.
[Scene: The vet, Monica is waiting for the doctor to come back in the room with the duck.]
Vet: (enters) Uh, we had a problem.
Monica: What?! What?! What is it?!
Vet: We have to remove that quarter.
Monica: Why?!
Vet: Because the duck’s choking on it.
Monica: Well, then go do it!! What are you still doing here!! Go! Go! Go!
[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s, they are still asleep and Alexia starts crying, and Joey wakes up.]
Joey: (picking her up) What? What’s wrong? Are you hungry? (gets her bottle and feeds her) There you go.
(Rachel wakes up)
Rachel: Oh my God!! Joey someone’s stolen my baby!
Joey: No, Rach. Calm down. She’s right here. She was crying and I picked her up.
Rachel: Oh thank you.
Joey: Yeah.
Rachel: I can finish that if you want.
Joey: No it’s okay. I like holding her.
She’s beautiful - like her mother.
(There’s silence.)
Rachel: Yeah, well I gotta use thebathroom.
Joey: Yeah and I gotta feed her.
[Scene: The dig, Ross is asleep as Donald comes around the corner.]
Donald: Ross!
(Rossjumps and starts digging really fast.)
Ross: Yes Donald? Whew! I’m beat!
Donald: We’re packing up. We didn’t find anything.
Ross: Okay. Just let me get my tools. (throws his tool down to stand up and hits something) Did you hear that?
Donald: I most certainly did.
(They start digging and find the bone.)
Ross: Yes!!
Donald: Now, we really can go home today.
Ross: And I can see my baby and my girlfriend.
Donald: I’m not married so I can see my dog.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Chandler and Phoebe have just finished cleaning up as Monica enters with the duck.]
Chandler: What the hell?!
Monica: (jumps) Uh, I don’t know how I got him!
Chandler: Did you still him?!
Monica: No!
Phoebe: Don’t lie Monica I can sense something fishy.
Monica: I just fed the duck anchovies.
Phoebe: Oh.
Monica: I accidentally hurt the duck so I took him to the vet but you can’t tell Joey.
Chandler: Tell him?! I thought I lost the duck but yours is much worse! (Monica punches him on the shoulder) Okay, ow.
Phoebe: Look, this can be our secret. No one ever has to know. I never get to have a secret with you guys cause I’m always the last to know everything.
(They all think about it.)
Monica: But that would be wrong. (pause) Okay I’m in.
Chandler: Me to.
Phoebe: Me to.
Chandler: Phoebe it was your idea.
Phoebe: Oh, sure rub that in my face.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s, Joey and Rachel are sitting on the couch laughing.]
Joey: Where’s Alexia?
Rachel: I put her to bed.
Joey: Oh.
Rachel: I’ve missed this Joey. I’ve missed us laughing and hanging out together.
Joey: Things are different now Rach. You have a baby.
Rachel: That doesn’t mean we have to stop hanging out.
Joey: I wished we still lived together it gets pretty lonely without you there.
Rachel: I know. I’m glad you stayed with me. I’ve missed you to.
Joey: Me to. (hugs her) I’m sorry I didn’t see Alexia sooner.
Rachel: I understand.
Joey: I’m happy for you and Ross though I really am.
Rachel: Thank you. I know it took alot for you to say that.
Joey: Yeah. Well, I’m goin’ out you want anything?
Rachel: No.
Joey: Okay. (gets up and kisses Rachel on the cheek then makes his way over to her mouth and they start kissing)