The One With The Stuffed Monkey
Written by: Ashley

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone is there as Monica enters.]
Monica: (solemnly) Hey.
Ross: Hey, what's wrong?
Monica: I think I might not have my restaurant anymore.
All: (running over to her in the kitchen) Oh my gosh! What happened? Are you okay?
Monica: Well I think I am but I'm not sure. How can I keep my restaurant?
Phoebe: Oh, I know a way.
Monica: Phoebe, you can't even keep your nails grown out little long help me keep my restaurant.
Phoebe: Ah ha!! (puts her hand in Monica's face but only it's her palm and she switches it where her nails are showing) Ah ha! Exhibit A. (points to her nails) Ha now what?! Huh? You see that?!
(She starts making it go to Monica's face and back to hers over and over and Monica pushes her hand and it hits Phoebe in the head. And Phoebe throws her arms out.)
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, continued from earlier.]
Rachel: What did you do?
Joey: Oh did you sleep with the director? You should never do that!
Monica: I'm not an actor! One of my other chefs and friends served something with one of their hairs in it.
Chandler: Then honey that's not your fault.
Monica: Yes it is because it's my restaurant. They said I should have been watching out for foods like that.
Rachel: Why don't you just pay off the person who found it to not make a big deal of it?
Monica: Well the person who found it was well the Department of Sanitation.
All: Oh!!! Sorry.
Joey: Well come on! Let's go! (pulls Monica)
Monica: Joey, wait! Where are we going?!
Joey: We're going down there to kick their butts!!
Chandler: Don't you think I should do that?
(Everyone looks at him and laughs.)
Chandler: Yeah, you're right.
Monica: Joey there's nothing we can do.
Joey: The hell there's not! Come on! (pulls her out the door)
Phoebe: (biting her nails) I can to grow my nails out.
(They all look at her. Rachel walks over to her and pulls her hand out of her mouth.)
Rachel: No you can't.
Phoebe: Okay how much do you wanna bet I can? (bites her nails again)
Chandler: $200.
Ross: I'll get in on this. I'll raise Chandler to $400.
(They all look at Rachel.)
Rachel: I'm not betting. What are you stupid? (leaves)
Ross: So what are the rules?
Phoebe: For what?
Chandler: The bet.
Phoebe: What bet?
Ross: The bet we just made!
Phoebe: What was it over?
(Chandler and Ross sigh.)
[Scene: Department of Sanitation, Joey and Monica enter.]
Monica: Joey no! Stop! No!
Joey: (stops pulling her) Monica, listen I'm just going to hit these guys a couple of times that's all. Now come on! (starts pulling her again)
Monica: Wait Joey! There's something I didn't tell you.
Joey: (stops again) What?
Monica: Look, they didn't tell me that I should have watched out for foods like that.
Joey: What did they tell you?
Monica: Nothing. It was all my fault. I told them that I served that and it was my hair.
Joey: Why?
Monica: Because I didn't want to get my friend in trouble. Now Joey you're the only one who knows this so you can't...
Joey: (interrupting, angrily) tell!! I know! Please don't make this a secret Monica! How come I'm always the one to know all your secrets first?!
Monica: I don't know but you can't tell anyone.
Joey: No! No! No! (everyone turns to looks at them and he plays it off like he was singing) No more time to kill.
[Scene: A store, Phoebe is walking around she sees an old woman.]
Phoebe: Excuse me?
(The old woman doesn't hear her.)
Phoebe: Excuse me?
(The old woman doesn't hear her.)
Phoebe: Damnit you better answer me!
(The old lady turns around.)
Lady: Oh hello dear I didn't see you there.
Phoebe: Oh I get it you're deaf.
Lady: What?
Phoebe: (louder) I said you're deaf!
Lady: No I've never seen that movie.
Phoebe: (smiles) I'm gonna kick your ass.
Lady: Thank you.
(Phoebe just shrugs and walks away. She sees another helper. This time this woman is young.)
Phoebe: (right in her ear, loudly) Hello!
Woman: You don't have to shout I'm not deaf!
Phoebe: Oh okay good. Listen I need something to take my mind off chewing my nails I have $400 riding on whatever it is. I'm looking for an animal.
Woman: We don't sell animals here...
Phoebe: (picks up a stuffed monkey) Oh wow! Is this a real monkey?
Woman: If it were would you buy it?
Phoebe: Yeah!
Woman: Then yes...yes it is.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross is there with his new girlfriend, which everyone calls Tweets but her real name is Tracy.]
Tweets: I can't believe we finally got a moment alone.
Ross: I know. Look, I'm sorry about Rachel. She's just my best friend and she's carrying my baby.
Tweets: It's okay I understand completely.
Ross: Okay I'll be right back.
Tweets: Where you goin'?
Ross: I have a surprise for you. (goes in his room and comes back out wearing really short gold silk boxers)
Tweets: (laughing) Oh my God!
Ross: What? This is for you baby. (sits down beside her)
Tweets: That, that looks great!
Ross: Don't it though! I tell everyone that but they just don't...
(She kisses him. They lye down on the couch and Rachel enters.)
Rachel: Hey! Why are the lights out? (turns them on) Oh dear God! Ross?! What the hell?! (covers her eyes)
Ross: (with Tweets still on him) I was...you see what happened was...you know whatever I say won't make this situation any better so I'll just not say anything.
Tweets: This is all my fault Rachel! (gets off him) Ross was just being...silly.
Rachel: (eyes covered) I'm gonna go somewhere! I don't care where! Just leavin'! (leaves)
Tweets: Now where were we? (gets on him)
Ross: No. See the mood is ruined. (gets up and she falls off) Oh my God! Are you okay?
Tweets: Yeah but I think I broke something. Do you mind taking me to the doctor?
[Scene: Department of Sanitation, Joey and Monica are there.]
Joey: Monica! Come on! I don't wanna know this.
Monica: Joey! Joey! Listen to me.
Joey: No! I had to keep you and Chandler a secret for a long, long time! I-I-I-I...
Monica: Joey! Calm down! (shakes him) You don't have to keep this a secret for a long (mimicking him) long time. Just until I can tell Chandler.
Joey: (backs away and looks at her) Oh all right! But not long! So, where are you gonna work until then?
Monica: I don't know. I have to see if I'm fired first.
Joey: We're gonna need an extra for a few episodes on Days of Our Lives. I'll get you that part.
Monica: Okay! That'll be great! Thank you Joey! (hugs him)
Joey: You're welcome. Now come on let's go. People are starting to look at us. (they leave)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is there putting hard coated nail stuff on his toenails as Phoebe enters with her new monkey. Chandler quickly throws the nails stuff and jumps up.]
Chandler: Hey Pheebs! Whatcha doin'?! That was nothign! Nothing I tell ya! I wasn't making my nails harder! I wasn't using Monica's stuff! I swear!
Phoebe: Chandler! Get a hold of yourself man! Monica keeps you on a short leash.
Chandler: No she just doesn't know I use her nail hardener.
Phoebe: You use nail hardener?!
Chandler: No.
Phoebe: Yes you do! (looks at his feet) And wow what a good job of staying on the nail! (takes off her shoe and has nail polish all over her nails) I'm learning to stay on the nail to!
Chandler: (looks at her toenails) Yeah! That's great. (looks over to the side like whatever) So what do you got there?
Phoebe: Oh. This is my new pet to help me keep my mind off chewing my nails. Chandler, Pancho. Pancho, Chandler. (makes a monkey noise and holds out his hand)
Chandler: (not sure) Okay. (shakes his hand)
(Phoebe giggles uncontrollably.)
Chandler: What?
Phoebe: He said you have a weird name!
Chandler: (points at the monkey like he's talking to it) Hey!! You don't know my dad!! And what kind of name is...(realizes he's talking to a fake monkey) Phoebe you do know that's fake?
Phoebe: Shh! He's gonna hear you!
[Scene: A hospital, Ross and Tweets are there in the doctor's checking room.]
Ross: I am so sorry! If your hand is broken I will make it up to you however you want me to.
Tweets: However? (kisses him)
Ross: Yes. However. (kisses her)
Tweets: Good. I hope it's broken then.
(She starts to kiss Ross, the doctor enters and Ross jumps back and Tweets falls off the table.)
Ross: If it wasn't broken then it's broken now.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Rachel is entering with her eyes covered.]
Rachel: I'm entering. If anyone's in here please tell me! (stubs her toe) Ow! Stupid table! (opens her eyes) Okay. No one's here. I'll just sit down and watch TV. (looks around) Ross? Tweety or Tweets or Tweeter whatever your name is? Okay. (sits down and turns on the TV)
(Monica and Joey bust through the door.)
Monica: I got fired!
Rachel: (jumps) You scared the hell out of me!!
Monica: Sorry. I got fired! (starts to cry)
Rachel: Oh, honey! (gets up and hugs her)
Joey: But it's okay! It's okay! She's going to come and work on Days of Our Lives for a while.
Rachel: Days of Our Lives? Oh at least you're getting a job until you can get back on your feet. (pause) Wait a minute! How come I never got invited to be an extra on Days?!
Joey: (scared) I don't...why do you...I don't know. I'll find a place for you! (making himself smile)
Rachel: Okay.
Joey: Okay. (Rachel goes to close the door and he jumps) Oh jeez!!!
Rachel: Are you afraid of me?
Joey: (scared) No.
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's, Chandler and Phoebe are there. Chandler is showing her how to paint her toenails neatly.]
Chandler: Look I don't paint my toenails but I can try and help you.
Phoebe: And my monkey.
Chandler: And not your monkey.
Phoebe: (not listening) Okay.
Chandler: Okay. Here you stroke it up once. (does so)
Phoebe: Okay. (does so)
Chandler: Good. Now do it again. (does so)
Phoebe: Okay. (does so)
Chandler: And you're done!
Phoebe: Yay!
(Chandler looks at Phoebe's toenails and it's all over there again.)
Chandler: Okay. Good job. Now your monkey!
[Scene: Set of Days of Our Lives, Joey is showing Monica and Rachel around.]
Joey: (pointing to table) That's the table I do all my surgeric...ish stuff on.
Monica: Wow! This is great!
Rachel: This is incredible! It looks so much more complicated on TV.
Joey: Hey! This stuff is a lot harder than it looks to put up and lay on!
Monica/Rachel: (unsure) Okay.
Director: Joey, what are you doing here? We don't start shooting until tomorrow.
Joey: Well I came to pick up the script and show you the two girls that are gonna be playing as the extras. (points to Monica) This is Monica.
Director: Nice to meet you Monica. (they shake)
Joey: (points to Rachel) And this is Rachel.
Director: Nice to meet you to Rachel. (they shake)
Rachel: I can't believe I'm meeting the director of Days of Our Lives!
Director: Well thank you. Now Joey there are some kissing scenes in the episode. Do you have a problem with that?
Monica: Kissing? You didn't say anything about kissing.
Rachel: Yeah.
Joey: I don't know if I'm comfortable kissing my best friends wife and the girl I'm in...(Monica and Rachel look at him) friendship with. (to Monica and Rachel) I'll-I'll be right back. Mr. Stevens can I see you?
Director: Sure. (they walk over to the side) What can I do for you?
Joey: Listen, I'm kind of in love with Rachel but she doesn't know it. So I can't kiss her because of her ex-boyfriend and husband Ross and he's my best friend. Oh! Right and she's pregnant!
Director: Your own Soap Opera.
[Scene: A hospital, Ross and Tweets are there. Tweets is in a wheelchair and has a cast on each leg and a brace on her arm.]
Ross: Tweets I am so, so sorry! I think maybe I should take you home now.
Tweets: Yeah, maybe that's best.
(They walk outside to go to the car and a guy comes up to them.)
Guy: Hey do you have change for a five?
Ross: Yeah. (gets in his wallet which meant he let go of Tweet's wheelchair)
Tweets: (rolling down the street) Ross!! Ross!!
Ross: Just a second. (realizes) Oh my God!! (chases after her)
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's, Chandler and Phoebe are there watching TV. Chandler is drinking a beer.]
Chandler: Where is everyone?
Phoebe: I don't know.
Chandler: Huh. I haven't seen Monica but like one time today.
Phoebe: I know. Would you shut up?!
Chandler: Okay. I'm sorry I was just bringing up conversation!
Phoebe: No, no, no not you. The monkey.
Chandler: Phoebe, it's not real!
Phoebe: Shows how much you know. (leaves)
Chandler: Man. (looks at the monkey and starts imagining stuff)
Monkey: Hey dummy!
Chandler: Huh?
Monkey: Yeah you. Get me a banana.
Chandler: (looks at his beer and sits it down) I've had a little to much of those. (leaves)
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Joey, Rachel, and Monica enter.]
Joey: Rachel. Yeah, he said he didn't want you to be in it because you're pregnant. And those X-ray machine's can mess up pregnancies.
Rachel: Joey those aren't real!
Joey: Yes-huh!
Rachel: (mad) I don't care I didn't wanna be on it anyway. (goes in her room)
Joey: Great now she's mad at me.
Monica: No she's not. She's just not happy with you.
Joey: Thanks that helps.
Monica: So how come you didn't want her to star in it with you?
(Rachel starts to come out but stops when she hears that.)
Joey: You know why.
Monica: Is this because you're in love with her?
(Rachel looks shocked.)
Joey: Yeah. Okay it is. But shh quieter. She might here you.
Monica: No she won't. She has ears like a...well a person that can't hear good.
(Rachel comes in there shocked.)
Monica: What's a matter?
(Rachel's water breaks.)
Joey: If you gotta pee there's a bathroom in there.
Monica: Oh my gosh! Did your water break?!
(Rachel looks down.)
Rachel: Oh my God.
Monica: I'm gonna go tell everyone! (leaves)
Joey: You're having a baby!! (hugs her)
Rachel: Joey I know.
Joey: Know what?
Rachel: I heard you and Monica talking.
(Joey's speechless.)
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are there.]
Ross: Then she rolled away in her wheelchair.
Chandler: (sarcastically) You're the best boyfriend! Any girl would be lucky to get with you! Lucky to be alive that is. No, seriously is she okay?
Ross: Yeah, no, she has a broken...well everything. Anyway, we decided we should break up before she ended up dead, which by the way we were goin' would probably have been tomorrow.
(Phoebe enters.)
Phoebe: Okay! That's it. I can't take it anymore! Here's the $400 bucks! (hands it to Ross, sits down, and gets ready to bite her nails)
Ross/Chandler: No! Come on! You've come so far! Stop!
Phoebe: No! No! I can't take it anymore! Biting my nails relieves stress and worrying! And I got a lot of it from that damn monkey! (throws the monkey and starts biting her nails)
Ross: Pheebs, there's only $50 bucks here.
Chandler: Yeah and I have fake money.
Phoebe: Do you want me to bite my whole hand off?!
(Monica runs in.)
Monica: Rachel's having a baby!! Come on!!
Phoebe: I need a bigger nail.
(They all run out.)
END