"Emily?" Ross repeated.
"Hi!" Emily said, chirpily.
"Emily?" Ross said, yet again.
"Great, we’ve established her name," Rachel quipped. "Seriously, what are you doing here?"
"I came to congratulate you," Emily said, smiling. "I heard you had a baby."
"Yeah, Z—uh, Julia," Ross told her. For some reason, he was embarrassed to tell Emily his child’s real first name. He liked it, it suited her, but, well, Emily was this strait-laced Englishwoman. He wasn’t still in love with her, of course he wasn’t. It was just, well, Zenobia was an embarrassing name – especially when you’re standing in front of your ex-wife.
"Zenobia," Rachel corrected him.
"Zenobia? That is sweet," Emily said, sincerely. "Can I see her?" Without waiting for an answer, she made her way over to the bassinet and peered in. "Oh, she’s got your nose, Ross!"
Ross considered the baby. "I don’t know."
"Poor kid, if she’s got Ross’ nose," Rachel said, trying to keep the conversation light. What business did Emily have, coming back here, just as Rachel was about to tell Ross what her true feelings were? What business did Emily have to come back here at all? Wasn’t she married?
"Aren’t you married?" Rachel asked, not caring if she sounded abrupt or rude.
Emily flushed. "I was."
Ross glared at Rachel. "That was a bit personal, Rach."
"I’ve just had a baby, alright? I spent God knows how many hours toiling to bring your child into the world, Ross. When you do that for me, we can talk about personal," Rachel countered.
"Colin and I are divorced," Emily explained. "That’s why I came here.”
"Because husband number two didn’t want you, you wanted to see whether husband number one was still available?" Rachel demanded, angry now.
"Rachel!" Ross was shocked, she could tell by his voice.
"I came here to see my friends," Emily told her. "I asked that charming man at the coffee house where you were—"
"Central Perk’s still open?" Ross asked. "It’s eleven."
"I’ve been outside for a long time," Emily confessed. "I had to work up the nerve to see you again."
“Hey, Emily, you didn’t need to do that!” Ross rebuked her, gently.
“But I was so horrible to you, and I felt really guilty about coming back here again,” Emily said, slowly. “I mean, for all I knew, you hated me. All of you!”
Rachel opened her mouth, but Ross gave her a sharp nudge.
“Hate might be a bit strong,” Ross hesitated.
“Look, I realise that I am not your favourite person,” Emily said, patiently. “I’m willing to admit that I made a mistake. I was selfish. I was jealous.”
“It was, it was for the best,” Rachel blurted out. “Look, we’ve got a baby together. We wouldn’t have her if you’d stuck with Ross.”
Ross glared at Rachel. “Rach!” He turned back to Emily. “Emily, I, I can’t really believe you’re here.”
Emily gave a short laugh. “I can’t, either. I spent ages deciding whether I should come here or go to Alderney.”
“Alderney?” Ross repeated. “Where’s that?”
“It’s one of the Channel Islands,” Emily explained. “I’ve got family there.”
“Oh, that Alderney,” Rachel drawled, sarcastically. “Why didn’t you go? I’m sure your family would have loved to see you!”
“Probably,” Emily agreed. “But when I got to Gatwick, they didn’t have any flights there, but I could get a flight to New York easily.”
“Oh.” Rachel was stumped. She felt exhausted, and had no idea what to do next. Emily had just marred the happiest day of her life. And she was expected to make small talk with her?
“So, uh, what’s new with you?” Ross asked Emily, sounding way too happy, Rachel noted.
“Oh, I’ve got a good job,” Emily said, and then paused. “Well, I did have. I was in TV. I made a big name for myself over in England – I was in this comedy, it was a big hit, really.”
“Congratulations,” Ross exclaimed. “Wow… my ex-wife, a TV star.”
Rachel had just about had it. “Guys, I’m really tired. Can you take it outside? Zenobia and I need our sleep.”
“Sure,” Ross said, absently, and left the room, steering Emily by the arm.
Rachel was left alone. She turned out the lights, and lay down. A tear ran down her cheek. Why?
The following day, Rachel was allowed to leave the hospital. She cradled Zenobia gently in her arms as she was wheeled out to the cab that Ross had secured. She got in, followed by Monica, and then Ross climbed in the front.
“Oh, she’s so sweet,” Monica cooed. “I’ve never seen a cuter baby!”
Rachel nodded, numbly.
“Even Ben isn’t a patch on this little girl,” Monica continued, smiling at Zenobia. “Can I hold her, Rach?”
“Uh huh,” Rachel said, and handed the baby over. “Careful, she’s really small.”
Monica bounced the baby up and down. “Oh, who’s the cutest baby?” she cooed. “Yes you are! Yes you are, little Zenobia, you’re the cutest!”
Rachel tried to tune out Monica’s babbling, and forced herself to concentrate on a small ink stain on the floor of the cab.
Finally, Monica noticed something was amiss. “Okay, Rach, what’s up?” she asked, shifting the baby from one arm to another.
“Nothing,” Rachel murmured. “I’m fine.”
Monica looked at her shrewdly. “Post-natal depression?” she queried.
“No!” Rachel said, indignantly. “Monica, it’s nothing, okay?”
“It’s not nothing,” Monica insisted. “Rach, just tell me what’s wrong. Please?”
“Okay,” Rachel sighed. She lowered her voice, so that Ross mightn’t hear. “Emily came back last night.”
“Emily?” Monica repeated. “Who’s Em—Oh.”
“Yeah, oh,” Rachel mimicked. “I hate her, Mon, really I do.”
“Oh, sweetie, why?” Monica was concerned.
“Because Ross is gonna fall back in love with her, I know it, Monica, I know it!” Tears began to fall slowly down her cheeks as she spoke.
Monica paused. “Rach, are you – y’know, well, uh…?”
Rachel blushed. “Mmm.”
“You are?!” Monica screeched.
“You’re going screechy again, Mon,” Ross warned her from the front seat.
Monica lowered her voice. “You love Ross? Rachel, this, this is huge!”
“Mon, please,” Rachel pleaded. “Don’t tell him, oh please!”
Monica nodded. “I’d never do that. I mean, you could both be—” She shook her head. “I won’t.”
“Thanks,” Rachel sighed.
“So, um, when…?” Monica left her question unfinished.
“I don’t… oh, a couple weeks,” Rachel said, vaguely. “I don’t know if it’s just because he’s the father of my baby, or because he’s Ross, or because we live together, or anything, Mon, but I just know that I… well, I’ve had feelings.”
“And you think that Emily will what? Like, jump in there and make him fall in love with her? Rach, this is you and Ross,” Monica reasoned. “I mean, you, you have a child together. Whatever happens, Rach, you always end up with him – even when you’ve split up, he’s always been there, and you’ve always been there.”
“But that’s not forever,” Rachel objected. “It’s coincidence, that’s all, Mon. What’s gonna happen when he finds Ms Right, and I’m stuck here by myself, with Zenobia? No one’s gonna want me with a baby. Not even Joey.”
“That’s not true,” Monica said. “But anyway, Ross would never leave you, Rach. I mean, he still sees Ben every couple of weeks, right?”
“That’s not what I want,” Rachel told her. “I want Ross all the time. Not just every couple—”
Ross leaned into the backseat. “We’re ho-ome,” he sang out. “C’mon, Zennie, time to meet your aunties and uncles and your apartment.” He got out, opened the door, and took the baby off his sister. Monica helped Rachel out, and they walked into 3B.
“Surprise!” came the combined whispers of Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, Jack, Judy, Sandra, Gunther and… Emily?
“Emily?” Rachel said out loud.
“Hi,” Emily said, brightly.
“What, what, what are you doing here?” Ross asked, obviously as surprised as anyone.
“Well, if I can’t welcome my ex-husband’s newborn baby home, what can I do?” Emily asked, happily, oblivious to the murderous looks that some of the gang (namely Rachel, Joey and Monica) were giving her.
The guests gathered to ooh and ah over Zenobia, who became thoroughly fed up with the whole process, and began to wail her woes for all to hear. Not even Rachel could quiet the unhappy baby.
“May I?” Emily asked, gesturing to the crying child.
“Sure,” Rachel said. At this point she was so fed up, she would have consented for Adolf Hitler to try and soothe the baby.
Emily took Zenobia, and smiled at her. “Hi there, Zenobia. Shh, sweetheart.” She rocked the baby back and forth, until her cries subsided.
“How did you do that?” Rachel asked, almost jealous. How come a total stranger could get her baby to stop crying?
“Oh, I just did what I did with Poppy,” Emily replied. “Y’know, I thought, sisters, same gene—” She stopped abruptly. “I never meant to tell you that.”