Forgiveness
Buffy’s eyes fluttered open as she pulled herself from the deep state of sleep she had been in moments earlier. Moaning softly, she rolled over in silky satin, her body coming in contact with a much cooler one. As the softness of her skin touched the firmness of his, she sighed aloud and snuggled closer to Angel, her resolve to get up forgotten as he unconsciously pulled her against his hard chest and murmured her name in his sleep. Fully at home, she too fell back into unconsciousness.
They awoke sometime later. Both were still getting used to living together and waking up each morning in each other’s arms. Buffy had moved in with Angel three days after the day they had made up. They had spent those three days beforehand talking, arguing, and crying. All that had happened had been brought to light in a mass of tears and guilt and forgiveness. They certainly weren’t over the entire experience, but together they were working on it.
Buffy lay safe in the circle of Angel’s strong arms, his hand idly playing with her now-blond locks. They were quiet, content in each other’s company. Not wanting to get up, but knowing she had to, Buffy sighed and pulled herself into a sitting position. Angel moaned and laid his head in her lap.
"Baby, you know I have to go to work," Buffy said as she tried to push him away.
"This whole job thing really sucks. Why don’t you quit? You know you don’t have to work," Angel argued. Buffy smiled and ran her fingers through his brown hair.
"Because I so will not let you pay for everything around here. I help with rent and bills. We decided that last week, Angel," Buffy replied patiently. The position of Angel’s head was affecting her much more than she needed at the moment. He was so close to her center...
Angel smiled knowingly as her strong scent floated lazily up to his nose.
His eyes caught hers, holding them, as a sexy smile played across his lips. Turning his head, he placed a kiss on her navel. Buffy’s breath sped up, her face growing flushed and her center aching. Angel pulled the sheet away, revealing her golden body. His smile still firmly in place, he gently pushed her back down into the cool satin as he dipped his head in between her thighs. At the first touch of his tongue her legs slammed into the sides of his head, holding him firmly in place. He began to lavish her with his tongue, exploring every crevice, searching out her secrets. She clutched at the red material, her back arching powerfully off the bed as she whimpered.
Angel brought up one hand, his finger probing her entrance. He inserted one digit at a time, loosening her. Buffy’s chest rose and fell, her moans becoming more frequent. Angel took pity on her and pulled her small bud into his mouth, sucking it roughly. She came violently, her body shaking with release as she screamed his name. Not letting her come down from her high, he slid up her luscious body and sank into her wetness, his eyes nearly rolling back into his head at the sensations.
Buffy pulled his mouth down to hers, her tongue snaking out to lick his lips as they slammed into one another. They kissed passionately, all the while moving together. A thin sheen covered Buffy’s body as she felt her orgasm approaching once more. She whimpered and came suddenly, Angel’s name whispered from her lips. He growled, his eyes glowing golden. She offered her neck without hesitation, pulling him down to her. He licked the perspiration away before biting in, sucking her precious lifeblood from her body. His climax came abruptly and he pulled Buffy over into the abyss with him. Slumping over, he laid his head on her sticky chest and breathed in deeply.
"You’re gonna get me fired, Angel," Buffy said as she pulled his head up for a sweet kiss, her eyes drooping.
"All part of my plan. That way I get you all to myself," Angel replied. Buffy glanced at the glowing clock on the side of the bed. It was only five and she had to be to the bar at eight. Her eyes falling shut, she was asleep as Angel rolled them over and clutched her to his chest, falling asleep as well.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A week passed and Buffy made no attempt to call her family and friends. They had been persistently calling Cordelia, wanting to find out everything about her. Angel was beginning to grow worried. Every time he brought the subject up she would change it abruptly. Angel knew she needed to face them soon, but when she made no move to do so he became anxious. They couldn’t fully heal themselves until Buffy made her peace.
"What’s with the brooding, Angel? I thought you’d given that up," Buffy teased as she walked into the kitchen and wrapped her arms around him.
"I was just thinking," he shrugged. She grinned up at him.
"About what?" she asked playfully. Angel returned her sly smile and growled.
"About what I want to do to you right now," he replied and pulled her body closer. She laughed and wrapped her arms around his neck.
"And what would that be?"
"Why don’t I show you rather than tell you..." he said suggestively. She reached up for a quick kiss before pulling away.
"Sounds fun. But I have to shower and then we’re going out for dinner, right? I don’t have to work tonight," she said as she backed out of the kitchen. Angel pretended to pout. "And then after dinner..." she trailed off, her eyes dancing. Angel grinned.
"You’re on," he said, mentally chastising himself. He’d be lucky if she talked to him after tonight.
Leaving Angel alone to his thoughts, Buffy went into the bathroom and quickly disrobed. When the bathroom was filled with steam she stepped into the shower, letting the hot water rinse over her body. She began washing her hair, her thoughts strangely straying to her friends. She wondered what they were doing at the moment. She hadn’t tried to contact them because she highly doubted they wanted to talk to her.
"You did only leave them, after all," she said aloud to herself. Rubbing conditioner into her hair, she reached for her sponge and lathered it with body wash. She carefully cleaned her body, stopping suddenly when she came to the spot on her neck that would forever remind her of what kind of lifestyle she had led. Sudden tears welled in her hazel eyes as she thought of her huge mistake. Wiping at them, she put the horrible thoughts out of her mind and continued on with her shower.
When she had finished Buffy stepped out of the shower and wrapped a thick towel around her body. Gathering her clothes, she opened the door and walked out into their bedroom. She thought she heard voices in the living room, but brushed them off, chalking it up to Angel watching TV. Pulling on a pair of Angel’s sweat pants and one of his silk shirts, she brushed out the knots in her short blond and opened the door.
Not seeing Angel in the kitchen, she walked closer to the living room humming to herself. "Angel, can we take a rain check on the dinner thing? I kinda feel like vegging. Maybe order some take-out and watch TV..."
She was speaking as she entered and abruptly trailed off. The scene in the room shocked her. Willow, Xander, Giles, Oz, her mother, Cordelia, and Angel were all seated, looking at her standing in the doorway. She gazed at them in horror, her eyes flickering to Angel. He shifted his gaze, guilt evident on his face. She could barely contain her anger at him as she silently stood, waiting for someone to speak.
"Wow, you two are just like some old married couple, aren’t you," Xander said sarcastically, his eyes mocking. Buffy pursed her lips, refusing to speak. Her eyes danced with anger and betrayal as they fell once more on Angel.
"Angel?" she asked, her rage barely contained. "Can I talk to you in the kitchen for a minute?" He nodded and stood, his gaze not meeting hers. Angel strolled past her and she followed him into the kitchen.
"Want to tell me what the fuck they’re doing sitting in our living room?" she demanded.
"You need to talk to them, Buffy, to explain..."
"Explain what, Angel? That I slept with a bunch of vampires to kill them? Why I was a whore and a bitch and totally abandoned them? How I could have possibly lived like that? Take your fucking pick," Buffy hissed.
"You need to face this, Buffy," Angel persisted.
"I’ll decide when I fucking need to face this," She retorted, her voice rising. "I can’t believe you didn’t tell me! God, I hate it when people do this, when people try to run my life!"
"I know that, Buff. They don’t," he told her matter-of-factly.
"Well, then why don’t you go in and tell them?" she said hotly, leaning against the counter.
"Because they need to hear it from you," Angel said. He could tell she was wavering.
"What if I don’t want to tell them?" she asked, her voice soft and filled with unanswered questions. What if they didn’t accept her? What if they didn’t want to listen? What if...
"You have to," Angel replied. "C’mon, Buffy, you can do this. You’re strong enough. They’ll forgive you when they hear your reasons. And if they don’t I’ll personally beat the hell out of each one of them."
Buffy smiled slightly at his words even though she was frozen in terror.
Sensing this, Angel gathered her in his arms and held her close to his body.
"You can do this," he repeated.
"But—" Angel silenced her protest with a sweet kiss. She closed her eyes and breathed in, pulling strength into her body and soul. She could do this. They broke apart and Angel grabbed her hand, pulling her back into the living room before she could chicken out once more. Buffy stumbled into the room behind him, walking nervously over to the couch and seating herself in between Angel and Cordelia. She faced the people she had betrayed, feeling small and insignificant under their scrutiny. Willow was gazing at her with concern on her face. Xander and her mother had anger and disgust clearly radiating from them. Oz was as emotionless as always and Giles appeared calm. But Buffy wasn’t fooled. Giles was furious and she knew it. He had every right to be.
"So, Buffy, how’s the laying...slaying...whatever it is you do nowadays going?" Xander asked cruelly. Buffy folded her hands in her lap, her head bowed. She deserved this.
"Fine," she said softly.
"Well, it’s good to know you can get off and do your job at the same time," he replied hotly.
"Xander," Angel growled warningly.
"Stay out of it, Dead Boy," Xander said with his hand silencing Angel. "I think I have a right to say this."
"He does," Buffy whispered. "Angel, they all do. I have no excuse for my behavior. Just let them say whatever they want so they’ll leave me alone again."
Angel slipped his arm around her shoulders, drawing her closer and planting a soft kiss on her forehead for support. She was taking it without a fight, knowing they needed this. Even though it must be hurting her like hell...
"Buffy, why? Why did you do it?" Willow asked. Buffy shrugged like a child being scolded.
"I was sick and tired of you guys trying to run my life. Giles was always making me patrol or train, you were trying to get me to go out with Riley, my mom was pressuring me about the slaying, Angel had left...I just broke," Buffy said, her voice unsteady.
"That’s no excuse, Buffy," her mother said harshly. "You have to learn to deal with pressure, you’ll feel it for the rest of your life."
"Could you not sprout your stupid wisdom right now, Mom?" Buffy asked coldly, her gaze piercing her mother’s. Angel tightened his hold on her shoulders and she leaned into him.
"Dead Boy, I really don’t get you," Xander remarked. Angel looked at him with fire in his eyes. "I mean, she cheats on you every night for like two months and you take her back as if nothing had happened."
"You know what, Xander? That’s none of your fucking business," Buffy said.
"No, your fucking is my business, Buffy," he shouted. She was furious and everyone could definitely tell.
"Since when did what I do ever concern you?" she asked.
"Since I care about you. I didn’t know that had become a crime," Xander replied sharply.
"This is exactly what I was talking about!" she cried. "You think I owe you an explanation for every little thing! Guess what, Xander. I don’t."
"Guys, this is getting us nowhere," Willow said, trying to make some sort of fragile peace. She was ignored as Buffy and Xander faced off.
"Buffy Anne Summers!" Joyce shouted. "You will stop yelling at him this instant and talk to the rest of us like an adult."
"You know what?" Buffy said, her voice low and dangerous and her long finer pointed accusingly at her mother. "You really need to stop telling me what to do. I’m nineteen. Which means I don’t need my mother to be controlling my life. Get a fucking clue."
"You will not talk to me in that tone of voice, young lady," Joyce shot back.
"I’ll talk to you in whatever tone of voice I want to. Deal with that and move on, Mom," Buffy retorted.
"This isn’t helping! Buffy, we need to work this out and you yelling at your mother and acting like a brat isn’t going to get that done any sooner," Willow said loudly, anger on her face. Buffy glared at her.
"Oh, so just because you’re little Miss Perfect and never do anything wrong and are always right you get to tell me what to do too?? Why am I not thinking so?" Buffy cried. "And you should just drop the whole act, Will. It’s not you anymore. Change is a good thing."
"Yeah, because you’re so much better off and all now," she retorted. Buffy stared at her in shock. Willow hardly ever this angry. But Buffy didn’t care, she had no right to judge her. And she promptly informed her best friend of that fact.
"Buffy, I’m your best friend. I have to look out for you, and that’s kinda difficult when you fight it," Willow reasoned. Buffy looked away, crossing her arms over her chest.
"I can take care of myself, I don’t need you butting in," she muttered.
"Oh, I think you do," Giles spoke up. His voice was low. Buffy was suddenly reminded of the way he had been when he had learned that Buffy had failed to inform him of Angel’s return. His posture and facial expression was identical to that time a year and a half ago. "What you were doing to yourself was extremely unhealthy, selfish, and dangerous. You could’ve been killed at any moment, Buffy, do you understand that? What you did was unfair to your friends, your mother, and myself."
Buffy’s eyes glittered with sudden tears as her Watcher expressed his concern. With a muffled sob she hid her face, her tears falling rapidly onto Angel’s shirt. He tightened his hold on her shaking body, pulling her onto his lap and whispering comforting words into her ear. She needed him now, he was the only one who had forgiven her. Cordelia glared at her friends as she suddenly jumped into the conversation.
"God, could you guys be harsher?" she demanded. Xander returned her icy stare.
"Keep out of it, Cordy. You didn’t go through it, you don’t get to jump in with your useless opinion," he replied sharply. Smoke could almost be seen coming from her ears.
"You didn’t go through it either," she retorted. "Jesus, Xander, do you know what she went through? She was so alone and scared and she didn’t have anyone who understood her. You were all encouraging her to move on and she could barely keep herself from curling up into a little ball and dying! God, get over yourselves already. You weren’t here these past weeks. I’d come up here to find these two screaming at each other," she said, gesturing to the couple next to her. "But somehow they found it in themselves to forgive each other. Too bad you can’t forgive like them."
"Cordelia, I really don’t think you can comment on this subject. You don’t know what you’re talking about in the least," Giles said sharply. Buffy looked up at his words with sudden anger in her eyes.
"Like you do. I told Cordy everything. She knows a lot more than you do," she shouted.
"Well, at least you still know how to talk to someone," Giles said.
"She understood, okay? She didn’t care, she just listened."
"You know, I think you guys should lay off of the accusations," Oz said quietly.
"Who’s side are you on, anyway?" Xander asked. Oz shrugged.
"I think I’m kinda on the fence," he replied. "See, on the one hand I totally see where you guys are coming from. But on the other I see where Buffy’s coming from. We did kinda...push."
"Only because we care about you, Buffy," Willow said, her voice almost pleading.
"I know, Will," Buffy said softly, her head buried in Angel’s chest. "But it was too much too soon."
"If you had just told us..." she said.
"Believe me, I don’t blame you," Buffy said quickly. "It was me, it was all me. But I just needed to figure a lot of stuff out and I couldn’t with you guys pressuring me so much."
"You should’ve said something, Buffy," Xander grumbled. Buffy turned her
hazel eyes on him
"Would you have listened?"
Xander was silent.
"Buffy, I’m sorry, but that’s no excuse," Joyce said. Buffy looked at her mother. "That does not atone for your behavior, which I find appalling. And now...you’re living with a vampire."
"And sleeping with him, Mom. Don’t forget that tidbit of info," Buffy said sarcastically. Joyce’s face turned white.
"This whole situation is unacceptable," she cried. Buffy rolled her eyes.
"I don’t need your acceptance. I never asked for it. I’m happy and that’s all that matters," Buffy said. Joyce stood suddenly, murder in her eyes.
"Well, I’m not about to sit here and try and talk about this. You’ve obviously made your choice."
"Choice? I have to choose?" Buffy cried, her voice cracking. "Between my mother and the man I love more than anything in this world? That’s not fair."
"No one ever said life was fair, Buffy," her mother said harshly.
"Get out of my house," Angel said suddenly. "I never want to see you here again. If you had any love and respect for your daughter you wouldn’t be standing there pushing her away."
Joyce turned and stormed out of the room, not bothering to look back. A muffled sob broke from Buffy’s lips as the door slammed shut. Angel rocked her softly. The others were silent as they watched the scene unfold.
"Anyone else feel like joining her?" Angel asked menacingly. They were quiet and no one moved.
"Buffy. I’m sorry about pushing," Willow said hesitantly, glancing at Oz for reassurance. "I don’t agree with what you did, but maybe one day I’ll be able to accept it. And I’m glad you two are happy."
Buffy smiled a watery smile at her. "I couldn’t ask for anything else. Thanks for still caring," Buffy said, getting up and going over to hug her best friend. "Oh God, Will, I’m so sorry. I wish..."
"Shh," Willow said, pulling away. "It’s over with. I’m not okay with what happened, so let’s just play pretend for now. It never happened, right?"
Buffy smiled and nodded, wiping her eyes. Xander had also stood and was standing next to her. She turned to him hesitantly.
"Look, Buff. This is gonna take a lot of time for me to get over. I kinda think it would be better if we didn’t do the hanging out thing until I can deal with this," Xander said. Buffy nodded her head.
"Sure, no prob."
Oz stood and gave her a hug before the three of them moved to the door and left. Cordelia, Giles, Buffy, and Angel were the only ones left. There was a long, awkward pause before Giles finally spoke.
"Buffy," he started. She turned her eyes to him as he shifted in his chair and pulled his glasses off in obvious distress, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "While I don’t agree with your motives, nor do I condone your actions—I think you were extremely selfish and immature in your behavior—I realize to argue this any further would be pointless. And I remember once telling you that forgiveness isn’t given because someone deserves it, it’s given because they need it. I would be a hypocrite now to go back on those words. So I forgive you, I know that’s what you need right now. Forgiveness and understanding. I just hope that you can understand where we were coming from as well."
During Giles’ speech more tears had sprung to Buffy’s eyes. He was right, she needed to hear that he had forgiven her more than anything. Remembering what had initiated the first conversation and how she hadn’t wanted to believe it was part of her tears. And to know that he had found it in himself to offer her a small piece of salvation was something she cherished. With sudden speed she rose from Angel’s lap and hugged Giles fiercely, her small form shaking with sobs. She tried to form coherent sentences, but it was impossible with the flood of emotions moving through her body.
"I know, Buffy, I know," Giles said, his hand rubbing her back tenderly. She looked up at him with tear-stained cheeks. Placing a soft kiss on her forehead, he released her and gathered his blazer. "I understand you need time...I believe we all do. But when you are ready, we can resume your training."
Buffy nodded and stood silently as he too turned and left. She wiped the tears away with the back of her palm as Angel’s arms encircled her thin waist. She leaned into them and closed her eyes, a long sigh escaping her parted lips.
"Talk about draining," she muttered as she snuggled up to Angel’s chest. "I think I need to sleep for about two months now."
"An excuse to quit your job," Angel joked. Buffy smiled and lazily opened her eyes.
"Angel, there’s no way I’m giving up my job. I make good money." Angel sighed and pulled her closer.
Cordelia stood. "Well, looks like all the action’s over. I’ve got a ton of paperwork to do, and then I have a date..." she trailed off, her eyes sparkling. Buffy looked sharply at her with curiosity.
"With whom?" she demanded. Cordelia just laughed.
"Oh, just a friend," she said secretly.
"She’s probably going out with Doyle," Angel muttered. Cordelia gave him a look.
"Please. Like I would really be seen with him," she said, tossing her brunette hair over her shoulder. "It’s with the guy across the hall from me."
"Details," Buffy called to Cordelia’s back. The actress smiled over her shoulder and left.
Buffy brought her hands up to her temples and began to massage them. Angel’s strong fingers covered hers, gently taking over as he led her to their bedroom.
"I don’t know whether to stake you or thank you for that," she murmured as she laid down on their bed and pulled him close. "And there goes our evening!"
"Well, you said you wanted take out. We can get some from that Chinese place you love...then maybe watch a movie. Or make our own," Angel said, his eyes twinkling. Buffy laughed.
"I’m way too tired for that, baby," she said with a yawn. "If we’re gonna eat, let’s do it now. I think I’m gonna fall asleep in my food."
"You’re welcome," Angel whispered in her ear. "And I’m sorry I had to, but you never would have gotten around to it."
"Yeah, I know," Buffy agreed. "I just wish I had known."
"Would you have talked to them if you knew?"
"No."
Angel laughed. He sat up and moved to get the phone. "You sleep for a while. I’ll get our food."
Buffy nodded, mumbling her thanks as her lids fell shut and she drifted off to sleep, feeling as though a huge weight had been lifted from her fragile shoulders. Giles’ words of comfort rang in her ears. ‘You’re forgiven...’
The End