It Wont Be Easy
Buffy was staring transfixed at the screen, sighing deeply when the last line was uttered. But Angel wasn’t paying any attention to the drama unfolding; he was too busy staring at the expression on her face. A hopeful, but also a sad one.
"Why do you watch this if it only depresses you?" Buffy had been insistent about renting SLIDING DOORS, even though she had, by her own admission, seen it at least a dozen times.
Hitting the button to rewind the movie, she turned and gave him a sad smile. "It gave me some kind of hope. You know, destiny and all that. It always made me think that you might someday….." She let herself trail off, not wanting to disrupt the tenuous grip she had on her newfound happiness.
"Come back?" Angel knew what she was driving at. Why shouldn’t they have a chance at happiness? After all they had been through for and because of each other. Though the traumas Gwyneth Paltrow had been put through onscreen were nothing compared to their own.
The distance between them was minimal, but they might as well have been as far apart as Sunnydale and L.A. again for all the touching they were doing. It wasn’t a fear of control, or of losing it. The consequences were so great, and so unforgettable that there was no way either of them could allow that to happen. At least, not until the so often alluded to loophole in the curse could maybe be found. Buffy looked away from him for a moment, blinking back the tears.
When she had met Angel for that coffee two weeks ago, she had known it would be hard. They still had issues to work out, hurt feelings to soothe. The letters they had exchanged over the four years he’d been gone had helped. In fact, those had sometimes been her only saving grace. But they were a far cry from actually being with him. Turning back to look at him, she saw the naked yearning in his eyes. A look she knew was echoed on her own face. Except for the dance they had shared the night of her graduation, neither of them had been willing to make the first move towards actual physical contact, as if they might somehow be burned by it. Taking a deep breath, she slid closer to him, suddenly wanting nothing more than to lean on his shoulder. To feel his arms around her.
The harsh ringing of the phone broke their intense stare. Angel cursed inwardly, but made no move to stop her from answering. If it was going to work between them, he knew an infinite amount of patience would be required, on both their parts. He was so deep in thought that he only listened with half an ear to the conversation Buffy was holding, though what she said next caught his attention and rapidly increased his tension level.
"Sure, mom. What time did you want me there?" She was talking to Joyce, whom he hadn’t seen since that day at the mansion. As far as he knew, Buffy had no idea her mother had been one of the influences in his leaving. He fully intended to keep it that way, not wanting to create more conflict between a mother and daughter whose relationship had always been on shaky ground. He turned back to look at Buffy once he heard the click of the phone hitting the cradle. She gave him an apologetic smile. "That was my mom. She wants me to come for dinner late tomorrow night."
"Oh?" Angel was unable to muster more of a response than that. His guilt increasing at the hurt look on Buffy’s face.
"I’d like you to go with me. Things haven’t been that great between us since I broke up with Riley. Seems I failed her yet again, I’m good at that." She sounded so dejected that his protective instincts kicked in, overriding any hesitations he may have had. Standing up, he quickly went over and put his arms around her, smiling slightly when he felt her lean in closer to him. Maybe things would be all right after all…. but he knew the moment couldn’t last.
"I don’t know, Buffy. Your mother really doesn’t like me very much. Might not be such a good idea" Though he could hardly blame Joyce for how she felt, considering how their second meeting had gone and how he had talked to her then. He felt Buffy stiffen in his embrace, then quickly pull out of it.
"Angel, I need you there with me." Her gaze narrowed as a suspicious look crossed her face. "Or are you having second thoughts? Back for only two weeks and I’m already scared I’m losing you again."
Angel could only stare in disbelief. Did she really think so little of him? He hadn’t realized that he’d spoken out loud until she shook her head and plopped down hard onto the couch, refusing to meet his gaze. Trying to keep the maelstrom of emotions under control, he hesitantly approached her, kneeling down to grasp her hand tightly. "I love you. I never stopped. You know that, Buffy. Why are you doubting it now?"
"You left me before." She sounded so much like a little girl it was frightening, but he still picked up on the accusatory note in her voice.
The anger he had barely managed to tamp down before now rose to the surface. "You know why I did that. I did for you, so that you could live the kind of life you deserved to have. It didn’t mean I ever stopped loving you."
"What about Kate?"
Angel quickly walked away, his anger rising to a fever pitch. "What about Riley?" She looked up at him, hurt stamped on her face.
She stood up, no longer appearing like a hurt child, but rather like the slayer she was. "You told me. You said I should find someone who could bring me into the light, who could make love to me. I did. I found that person. But I didn’t do it just for me, I did it for you, for us." Angel could only shake his head, not understanding where she was going with this. Her voice softened, and she approached him slowly. "I thought that if I did what you wanted, you’d be happy somehow, that maybe in some way you’d be proud of me for living my life instead of just waiting for the next sunset to go out and hunt. I lived that way for so long, Angel. And it hurt, hurt more than I ever thought it could. I needed Riley, he was there for me when.."
"When I wasn’t." Angel interrupted bitterly. She looked away, as if suddenly ashamed of her outburst.
"But Kate, I don’t understand it. You left me because you didn’t feel it was fair. How was it fair to try with her?" She was back to the hurt child she must have been years ago when he’d first told her about Kate.
"I cared about her, maybe in some way even loved her. Do you think my life was easy after I left you? Don’t you know how much I wanted to go back to living without human contact? Cordelia, Doyle and Kate, they all showed me it didn’t have to be that way. I was lonely too, but I couldn’t be with you then. We weren’t ready to struggle through everything. Kate was a safe relationship, less complications. That was what I needed at the time."
Buffy felt numbness spread throughout her body. "Did you sleep with her?" Angel just stared as if he hadn’t understood the question. "Answer me, damn it. Did you screw her?" The guilty look on his face was answer enough. "Was she everything I wasn’t, Angel? Everything you wanted me to be the night of my birthday?"
"I didn’t leave you because of the sex, Buffy. You know that." She looked away from him again, and he realized she truly wanted an answer to her question. He waited until she looked at him before continuing softly. "The night of your birthday was perfect. I wouldn’t have changed a thing about you. After I came back from hell….I don’t think you know how close I came to crossing that line, even though I knew it would be wrong." Tears were flowing down her face now, and he wiped them away gently before tilting her chin to force her to look right at him. He guided her to sit down on the nearest chair, her gaze never leaving his face. "I’m going to ask you a question, and I want the truth. No more games, alright?"
Unable to find her voice, Buffy could only nod. "After I left, was there ever a time when you doubted me, doubted us?"
"Yes."
Angel felt his heart constrict. If anything he’d thought he had at least made his feelings about her clear. Thought that she had understood. "Buffy, if I had loved you any less I would have stayed, I wouldn’t have had to leave. I only left because of how much I cared about you."
"Sometimes I wonder."
"That’s something you don’t have to do, Buffy. Ever." He released his grip on her chin, and she looked intently down at her hands. "I may have loved Kate, but I lost my soul to you. Only you." Not knowing what else to say, he left her side, standing to stare out the window. Minutes passed, but it felt more like hours.
"This isn’t going to get any easier, is it?" Her voice, though still quiet, seemed to have regained some of it’s confidence.
He just looked back at her sadly. "It’s going to get worse."
"Everything gets worse before it gets better." Both crossed the room until they were standing inches apart. "Did Giles ever mention to you what he told me when he delivered your letters?"
"He told me he mailed those to you. That he couldn’t find you while he was in L.A."
Angel shook his head. "I should have figured on that. No, we talked, for a good long time, actually. He told me that no matter what happened, that how you lived your life should be up to you. And that everyone was going to have to learn to accept it. Including me."
"He said that?" She’d wondered about the sudden change in her friends. Why Xander had stopped making his "Deadboy" remarks. Why Willow had suddenly stopped pushing her towards Riley. She hadn’t thought it possible, but her love for Giles grew even stronger.
Angel surprised both of them when he reached out and grasped her hands tightly. "He was right, and still is. I want to be with you, more than anything. No matter what anyone thinks about it." He gave her a wry smile. "Even if it means eating dinner with your mother."
Buffy gave him a hopeful smile, her first of the night, and Angel felt relief flood through him. "I know it isn’t going to always be easy, but I’m willing to try if you are. I promise, no leaving this time. Unless it’s what you want."
Releasing her hands, he stood back from her. Watching the smile spread across her face as she realized that for the first time, it really was up to her.
The End