Lucky

By Zorya

I can’t stay away. No matter how hard I try. Not now. Not after....

I choke on a bitter sob and tap my fingers on the steering wheel. Am I really so naive? I know not every man is going to be Angel. I know this. But I can’t stop...hoping.

Who am I kidding? Even if they tried, no one could ever equal Angel.

Which leads me to question myself. Was I only using Parker? I don’t want that to be the sitch. I need to have cared for him....

If only to prove to myself that I can.

Spike. Spike will be there. I’ve got to hurry. He won’t know....

Down, girl. Angel can handle himself, ring or no ring. And don’t go rushing to conclusions. Oz said he’d bring the ring to Angel. Why even worry about it?

How can I not worry about it? If anything ever happened to him....

He’s a vampire. Look at the clock. Probably an invincible vampire by now.

Or is he? Would Angel really use the ring? I’m not sure. He’ll keep it safe, no doubt. But it’s a powerful thing for a small little ring. It’s not even that pretty. Those demons really have no fashion sense.

But back to Angel. Spike will show no mercy if he does get his grubby little British fingers on it again. And then.... Angel....

So I tell myself it’s just to make sure he’s okay. If he needs help, I have to be there. Oz is good, and I sure as hell hope Cordelia’s found some purpose to serve...she isn’t as useless as she seems, not really.

And maybe I just won’t let him see me. If I just watch from afar...oh, right. How very ‘Romeo & Juliet’ of me. Perfect. No. I’ll just deal with this...somehow. If I can find Spike before he finds Angel....

But what do I do if I do, on the off chance, happen to run into him? What will I say? What can I say?

There’s Oz’s van. And that’s Angel’s place. Very...different.

And he’s right inside.

I can feel him.

Can he feel me?

He has to, I tell myself. There’s too much between us for him not to. Or is that just wishful thinking? I can feel the emotions rising in me, blocking my throat and making it hard to breath, my vision blurring as the tears rise.

Why cry? Why now? What use will it do? None....

I can still feel the taint of Parker’s body upon mine. How could I have been so stupid? And now look what I’ve done.... Why do I ruin everything?

Even when he turned into Angelus...deep down, I knew Angel...the real Angel...loved me. Had loved me enough to give himself to me. And I...I was his from the moment I saw him. Funny how in retrospect I can see that. Maybe there is such a thing as Fate.

Oh yeah. Way to be deep, Summers.

And I threw it away. Tarnished the memory of a perfect night...and for what? To fill the emptiness? The void left by his presence? Like that’s gonna happen.

I wonder what they’re doing in there?

Is Oz ready to bolt? I can’t really see him and Angel and Cordelia getting cozy. Besides...there’s a limit to Cordelia’s vocabulary and between the taciturn nature of those two men, it just can’t be a good thing going on in there.

But he has the ring.

The possibilities are virtually endless.

Searching. For Spike.

No ring.

God, I hope he hid it. If Spike got it.... No, Angel would never allow that.

I’ve been following him for about an hour. Maybe I should just go home. He seems to be doing just fine by himself.

I don’t remember the last time I saw him fight like this. He’s so graceful, so fluid. His body moves as if he was created to fight.

Funny. Wasn’t he? He is a monster, after all.

No. No monster. Just an Angel. My Angel. Forever.

His movements so sure, so quick. Pronounced. Demanding. Deadly.

Even like this, my body, my mind, my heart, my soul...cries out for him.

Ironic that I’m the one reduced to hiding in the shadows.

"Turn around!" I want to shout. But of course I won’t. Yeah, I wouldn’t seem too desperate.

I just want to make sure he’s safe.

He sure can fight. So much better than when he was with me.

I guess he is free now. He was right. He’s better off without me.

But I’m not. Not without him.

Just to watch him...to see him...that’s all I want. All I need. Does that make me selfish?

I wonder if he was saddened that I didn’t bring him the ring myself. Did he even notice?

Of course he noticed. He may be discovering himself, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. Grow up, Buff. This is just the way things have to be.

Do they?

To be in the sunlight...just once.... How can God be so cruel? All I’ve ever wanted...I’ve ever needed...is standing mere yards from the spot I stand.

But I can’t. The voice in my head is hoarse and tired. He’s so close...so far away.

Does he still remember? Like I remember? I can feel every muscle in his body move beneath my fingertips. Hear the sharp intakes of the air that is so unneeded. See his easy smile...the look in his eyes...the way his hands worshipped my body tenderly....

I swear, I have every inch of that man memorized.

How.... Just...how...?

I lost him. And where am I supposed to find him in LA? Oh yeah...not too many places to hide.

I can hear Spike down there, knocking things around. At least it gives me hope. He’s obviously searching for something. The ring.

I hope Angel hid it responsibly.

But where is he? Why isn’t he here?

I can barely see Spike from my hiding place. He hasn’t sensed me...too concerned with his precious bauble.

Bauble? Where did that word come from?

He’s fine. He’s safe. I have to keep telling myself that.

‘Cause what if he’s not?

No. No. I won’t even allow myself to think that way.

I can’t...not when I haven’t had the chance to tell him I love him. That I’m not sure I can do this without him. I need him.

Not before I can tell him about Parker.

I have to confess. It was a mistake. It won’t kill me. I just...I have to know he won’t hate me.

Isn’t that what friends do? Not hate each other?

"You’re not friends. You’ll never be friends. You’ll be in love till it kills ya both..." I can practically hear Spike’s voice.

I can’t believe that. If I believe that, then everything’s gone. The past five months will be nothing.

Moving on is key. Have to do it. No choices. Never any choices.

Always chosen.

And why is that? Can I not make my own decisions?

And whose bright idea was it for me to fall in love with a vampire? The same person with a sense of humor who decided to make me a Slayer? Wow. Some big "powers-that-be". Great. Wonderful. But where’s the consolation prize?

He’s gotta be okay.

Somebody’s got one sick sense of humor.

Oh my God. No.... Just don’t let it be.... Please. Just don’t let it be....

Oh God. His screams. I can’t listen to this. No. No. Noooooooo.

Angel. Angel. AngelAngelAngelAngelAngel.

I have to go in. I’ve got to stop.... God damn you, Spike!

I swear, if it’s the last thing I do, I will kill you.

Angel....

Every sound from his lips tears another piece of me away. I want to die.

Because I can’t be here if there’s no Angel.

I promise you, I swear to you.... Please, God...just get him out of this. I won’t...I won’t come back. I’ll leave him alone. Please, just don’t take him away from me.

Just...take me. If you have to take someone, GOD DAMMIT, TAKE ME!!!!

Nooo.... Don’t throw the ring!

What do I care about the ring? I don’t care anymore. Not if he dies. If he dies, I go with him.

Oz!

Go! Please. Just get him away!

Take care of him, Cordy....

Angel....

Him. He’s the one. Maybe Spike doesn’t care if the prick steals his precious ring, but I, for one, don’t plan on letting him get away.

Sick motherfucker. Children? I won’t...can’t let him get aw-

No. Why, God? Do you HATE me?

They’re never going to kill him. He’s got the damn ring!

No. No.

Oh no. Don’t...don’t.... Just don’t let him risk -

Please....

I’ve got to make it to the end of the pier. Who cares if they see me now?

Just be all right. Everything will be fine. Just...live.

All of that fire...but the water will extinguish it.

He won’t die. He can’t die.

Nothing could be that cruel.

I can hear him. Feel him. He’s fighting. Worth everything.

Feel me. Please, just let me be your strength. I’d willingly give you my all, just don’t you dare die on me.

Mix into the crowd. Can’t see. Don’t care.

Tears roll down my face ceaselessly, and I couldn’t care less.

He’s alive.

But more than that.

I would give my life to see that look on his face for the rest of his life.

But I’m here to see it. Now.

I know he feels me. Just as I feel him. Everyday. In the world that surrounds us both. The world that created us...for one another.

I’ve never seen him so...so full of amazement...wonderment...awe.

He’s so beautiful.

If only I could give him this forever.

Strike that. I have seen that look before. But...in another time. When we were innocent and thought love was all we needed.

If only my love were strong enough to heal....

I’ll never be able to forget.... Don’t expect me to stop loving you....

But if this has to be enough, so be it.

At least I’ll have one memory...one brief shining moment in time...with you...in the sun.

It’s all I ever wanted.

More than I could ever ask for.

And I watch him. From an adjoining rooftop. And he knows I’m here.

I know he does.

I feel his recognition.

It reaches out to caress me, just as if it was his own, sweet touch.

My heart cries out to see him in the fading sunlight. Years of darkness....

Washed away so easily.

Yet hardly painlessly.

On the contrary...it hurts so damn much.

How do I leave you? How do I walk away?

My life.... My whole meaning....

The golden light moves over you. Can you imagine how beautiful you are?

I doubt it. So many shadows. Your eyes....

It just....

Feels like I’m losing you...all over again.

And it’s gone. In the blink of an eye, it’s gone.

Darkness falls and the wall is back.

Just to be in the sun with you....

One moment....

‘Cause isn’t this what life’s all about?

I see that now.

The big moments....

When it comes down to it, we don’t matter. Our circumstances...they’re nothing. Trivial.

What you need, I can’t give you.

But that’s not the point....

The point is...

~We are the lucky ones~

We loved.

~Dear~

The End

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