Watching Out For Them

Angel looked at him hesitantly. The last time he’d spoken with the watcher one on one had been during the preparations for the ascension. When they hadn’t had any time to address what he’d done to Buffy. They regarded each other seriously for a moment. "Hello Angel."

"Giles. How’s Buffy?" He’d considered making polite chit chat first, but Giles would’ve seen through it, so it seemed pointless. "Is she alright? Doyle said it was important…."

"She’s fine." Giles’ face softened slightly, and Angel winced at the look of pity that crossed his face. "I afraid I owe you an apology. In the hospital, I was too harsh on you."

A bitter laugh escaped him. "No, you weren’t. I almost killed her. She would’ve survived Angelus all those months to die at these hands anyway." Angel looked up from his hands, staring at Giles intently. "What would you say to me if I told you that her blood was the sweetest I’d ever tasted? That I almost didn’t stop in time, almost didn’t want to."

"I guess I’d have to thank you for at least telling me the truth. You can fight your nature all you like, Angel. The demon will always be there." Angel moved to interrupt, but Giles held up a hand to stop him. "Buffy once asked me what you’d be like if you returned from hell. At the time, she told me it was because of a dream she’d had. Maybe I should have realized there was more to the question, but no matter. Do you know what I told her?" Angel shook his head numbly. "I told her that it would take someone of extraordinary character to come back from that and retain any semblance of self."

Angel just looked at him, stunned by the admiration in the other man’s voice. Giles looked away, a bit embarrassed by his speech. "Buffy told me what happened. That she gave you no choice but to drink from her. I know how stubborn that girl can be, especially about anything involving you. And if she doesn’t hate you for what happened between the two of you, than I don’t believe I can either. I’m sorry, Angel. In the hospital that day, I should’ve realized from looking at you that you were hurting as much as any of us…. maybe more. You were the first person she asked for when she woke up."

Smiling kindly at the vampire, Giles stood up. "I realize you’ll probably want to take a few hours to think about what I just said, but could that at least wait until I’ve gone? The hellmouth waits for no man’s brooding, and you’ve got that down to a fine art. " Angel couldn’t help but laugh at the gentle teasing. Though he never talked about it, he missed the camaraderie of being a member of the Scooby gang, albeit an unofficial one. "Take a walk with me?"

There were no sounds of a scuffle coming from the park; no sudden explosions of dust appearing where a "man" had stood only seconds before. A welcome change from Sunnydale, as far as the watcher was concerned. "Has anyone told you about Riley?" The questioning look that Angel gave him was answer enough. "She’s been seeing him for a few months now. He’s a rather nice chap, Buffy seems to care about him a great deal."

Angel looked at him sharply, wondering why he was talking so casually about this. "I knew she’d eventually find someone. It’s an easy job, caring about her. I’m glad she’s happy…. It’s been a long time in coming." Angel kept his tone even, but from the look Giles was giving him; his performance wasn’t quite oscar-worthy.

"But he’s not you…he’ll never be you."

Angel laughed bitterly. "Isn’t that what you all wanted? The last thing Buffy needs is someone who could put her through the same kind of torment I did."

"That wasn’t what I meant." Giles gave him a sympathetic smile. "When you left, a part of Buffy did too. She doesn’t talk about you much, but it’s obvious that you‘re never far from her thoughts. I catch her staring out into space at times, and it isn’t Riley’s face that she’s picturing. A part of me thinks that the only reason she has moved on is because she knew you’d want her to be happy. I don’t want to see that happiness taken from her again."

"Do you really think I would try to get in the way of that? She deserves someone who can walk with her in the sunlight. That’s why I left. And as Joyce said…."

"Joyce? She spoke with you?" Angel nodded, wondering why it came as such a shock to him. "She told you to leave?"

"I was thinking about it anyway. With Buffy staying in Sunnydale…." "It would have been difficult, but not impossible. I’m sure whatever Joyce said to you was of good intent, but she doesn’t know everything. Angel, she’s still looking for some way for Buffy to quit slaying. She loves her daughter, but she doesn’t completely know her yet. She can’t accept that her slaying isn’t just a temporary situation. I guess I can’t really blame her for that…."

"She has Riley now, I couldn’t possibly come back. She already went through that with Scott last year. Who knows what they could have become had I not returned."

Giles just shook his head. "I wouldn’t worry about that. The relationship seemed doomed from the start. A part of me still thinks she only went out with him to please everyone around her. She was quite depressed, and I guess they couldn’t handle seeing her like that. She still needed time to get over ‘killing’ you. It’s different with Riley. She barely left home to do anything but patrol after you left. Then she met Riley, he’s good for her." Giles took a deep breath before stopping to face Angel. "Did you really think she’d forget all about you just because you moved two hours away? I can’t pretend to understand what it is you two share, but it is fairly obvious that you’ll never be just another high school crush to her. You’ve literally been through hell, the two of you. If anything was going to change the way you felt about each other, that would’ve been it. The others think that she is slowly forgetting you. And they seem to like Riley, though Xander is still trying to figure out just what kind of monster he is."

Angel couldn’t help by laugh at that, though not without some bitterness. "He treats her well, this Riley?" Giles nodded, sympathy clouding his features. "Then I did right by leaving."

"Yes, maybe you did. But not by shutting her out of your life…. let me finish. She needs you in her life anyway she can get you. A letter, a phone call. Anything so that she knows you still care. Deep down, I think she understands, but she is a teenage girl, Angel. And despite how quickly she’s had to mature, an insecure one at times. Some things need to be said."

"What about Riley?"

"What about him? I didn’t say you should ask her out for another date, just let her know that you still think about her. That she isn’t alone in how she feels. She isn’t going to up and leave Riley; she cares too much about him. But a part of her will always belong to you, don’t you think she deserves something in return? Something other than the casual updates she asks for when any of us come to visit you." Giles reached into his coat pocket, taking out a stack of letters. "She asked me to give you these. I guess she didn’t trust Xander with them. I think she writes them when she is going through a rough time and can’t come to any of us. It gives her the illusion that she is talking to you again. If she can’t have you as a lover, than she at least needs you as a friend."

Angel reached out and took them hesitantly. "Thank you, for everything. But why? Why are you doing all this?"

"For her, and for Jenny. Her last wish was that you two should be happy." Giles laughed derisively; not able to forget that even if he wasn’t looking at Jenny’s killer, he was looking at the face of the creature that had done it. "I can’t promise that, but I will at least give you as much as I’m able to. She would’ve wanted it that way."

"Giles, I’m sorry. If I could go back…."

"What? You’d change everything? Not go near Buffy? I know you both better than that. In some ways, maybe it was inevitable. I know it isn’t your fault, what happened to Jenny. Sometimes it’s just hard to remember that." Giles shook his head wearily. "But I didn’t come here for a confrontation or for your apologies. I came here to ask you a question." Angel flinched as the watcher looked him in the eye. "If she came to you again, would you reject her?"

"No." The answer was soft, but sure. One syllable was all it took to remove all doubts from Giles’ mind. "You’re not going to tell her, are you?" There was desperation in Angel’s voice.

A feeling of relief rushed through him as he looked at the vampire, realized the unspoken fear that Angel held. "No, I respect her too much to do that. No matter what she does with the rest of her life, it should be on her terms and no one else’s. I think we all owe her that much. " Angel smiled gratefully at him before turning to walk away, Buffy’s letters clutched tightly in his hand.

*****

If it weren’t for an air of maturity that surrounded her, Angel could’ve sworn that he was back in happier times. Before everything had fallen apart, before she knew the truth about what he was. She was sitting alone, staring wistfully out at the dance floor. Willow and Oz seemed as close as he remembered them, though he had to raise an eyebrow at Xander’s chosen companion. He groaned inwardly as Xander’s eyes swept over than back to him. Anya nodded as Xander lead her over to the table where Buffy sat, leaving here there.

"Well, if it isn’t deadboy." The words were the same, but the tone was different, not filled with as much venom as they once would have been. Xander continued softly. "Were you there today? Did you see her up there?" "I did. She looked amazing…. and happy. But why wasn’t Willow graduating?"

Xander just rolled his eyes. "She’s planing on taking some extra college courses first. Are you really all that surprised?"

Angel shook his head amusedly, some things never changed. Glancing over at Buffy, he shot Xander a confused look. "Where’s Riley? I thought he’d be with her tonight."

"You mean she didn’t tell you in her last letter?" Xander just shook his head. "I’m not surprised she never mentioned it. Was probably afraid of what you’d say. She broke up with him a few weeks ago." "I thought she was happy with him." He looked at Buffy again, the heartbreak evident on her face.

"She was, until he asked her to marry him." Angel looked at him, confused as to where this was heading. "Deadboy, you have a way of interfering in her life even when you’re not in it." He could see that Xander was having trouble getting the words out. Heaving a sigh, the boy continued. "She didn’t think it would be fair to him if she said yes. Not if she couldn’t give him all of herself." Xander shot the blonde slayer a pain-filled glance. "I’m only going to say this once, then don’t expect me to admit it again. She couldn’t give all of herself, not as long as a part of her belonged to you, it always has."

"Why didn’t you stop her?" Anger flared up in Xander’s eyes, and Angel was suddenly grateful there were no pointy wooden things around. "Don’t you think I wanted to? Do you know how much it still eats at me that she chose you? The very thing she was supposed to be killing. Sometimes I have to wonder if she might’ve been happier if you’d never come back. Maybe her life would’ve worked out more fairly for her, instead of this misery she’s sunk herself back into. She loved him Angel…but not enough, not as long as you were out there somewhere. I’d give almost anything to see her smile again." The fury suddenly seemed to fade right out of him. "I didn’t say anything because Giles told me not to. Told all of us not to. Said she had to choose her own way to go."

"I’m sorry…. I thought that by leaving…."

"That it was over? I saw the way you were looking at each other after the ascension. Even I could see that it wasn’t." Xander ran a hand through his hair, visibly frustrated now. "I don’t have time to soothe your poor guilty soul right now. Maybe for once it’s good that you’re here. But if all you plan to do is hurt her again, I’d advise you leave now, before you have an accident with a stake." Shaking his head, Xander walked over and grabbed Anya’s hand, leading her back out to the dance floor. The thought of leaving ran briefly through his mind, but his body didn’t seem too keen on that idea and seemed to propel itself forward on it’s own. All too soon Angel found himself behind her. Their years apart seemed to melt away as he reached out to tentatively touch her shoulder, and she turned to meet his gaze, eyes widening.

"Angel?" The end of the word caught on a sob, but she quickly forced it back.

"Dance with me?"

Nodding solemnly, she took his hand. "Just for tonight. This doesn’t mean we can go back."

Willow watched them move closer to one another, until it was nearly impossible to tell where one began and the other ended. The look on Buffy’s face was one that was unfamiliar to her. A look of contentment, of peace. She knew it wouldn’t make the break up with Riley any easier on her friend, but Willow was glad to see her happy again, even if only for tonight. A touch on her shoulder startled her out of her thoughts, and she turned to see Giles staring out at the couple.

"Willow, would you care to accompany me back to my apartment? I think there is a curse that could use some studying."

*****

Angel wasn’t sure what had made him decide to stay in Sunnydale once Buffy’s graduation night had ended. Nor was he certain what had drawn him to sit at the same table at the bronze where he’d awaited her once before. Looking up from his glass, he half expected her to walk in, hair in disarray, pieces of straw waiting to be pulled out. Shaking his head at his own wild imaginings, he stood up to leave.

"I hear this place serves coffee, thought you and I could get some…sometime." The voice was hesitant, scared. Turning around, he saw Buffy looking up at him shyly. All he could do was stare. Laughing lightly, she took his hand.

"I said we couldn’t go back. I never said we couldn’t try again."