Repairs

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house.
He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more--would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of.
This frustrated the woman quite a bit.
One day the toilet stopped up.
When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?"
Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work.
When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?"
Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink.
When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?"
And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?
Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."
He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"
"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them."
"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked.
She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"

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Tripod

The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the govern- ment plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father; a government employee who attempts to solve thecouple's problem by impregnating the wife.
The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive.
Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off.
The government man should be here soon."
Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell................
Ms Smith: "Good morning."
Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to....."
Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you.
Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins."
Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"
Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do."
Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."
Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out.
Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me."
Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'"
Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."
Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"
Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London."
Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!"
Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
Ms Smith: "She was?"
Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?"
Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."
Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"
Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store."
Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."
Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"
Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?...My word, she's fainted!

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Chinese Torture

Once there was a man that suvived a terrible Plane crash and was lost in a forest......
He had no idea where he was or which way to go. He wandered for days and survived on berries and twigs.
He was much to slow to catch any kind of animal and couldn't even start a fire.
He should have joined the boy scouts when he was young.
After two week of wondering he found a three story house with smoke coming out of the chimney.
Without hesitation he knocked on the door.
A little Man answered the door. He had a long white beard that hung almost to the floor.
"Please I need some food and Shelter." Said the young man.
"This I will give you but you must promise not to fool with my lovely daughter." the old man said.
"Thank you and I wouldn't think of messing with your daughter."
"For if you do I will inflict the three most gruesome Chinese torture tests that have ever been devised."
The man to weak agreed not thinking that any woman could arrouse him in his weak state.
After a shower and some sleep the man came down to eat. A grand dinner was set up and the man sat to eat. The old man's daugther entered the room and to great surprise of the young man, she was most beautiful. So beautiful that the man could hardly tear his eyes away from her during the meal.
Later that night the man crept into the girls room just to take one last look at her for he promised to leave early the next morning with a map the old man gave him.
When he opened the door he saw the girl was awake and to his surprise she ushered him in.
Well being stuck in a forest with just your father doesn't surpress all urges so one thing lead to another. They were as quiet as possible not to wake the old man.
After a few hours the man crept to his room thinking that any torture would be worth what he just had done.
He fell asleep thinking of her.
He got up and felt an enormous pain on his chest. It was a rock with a sign on it.
It said: 1st Chinese torture, 100 pound rock on chest!
Well this wasn't hardly what the man thought would rate as torture and threw the rock out the window. As he did this he saw a second sign just outside the window it said:
2nd Chinese torture, Left testicle tied to 100 pound rock!
The man with out hesitation jumped out the window knowing a 3 story drop would be far beter than what was in store for him.
As he fell to the ground he saw a large sign on the ground. It said:
3rd Chinese torture, Right testicle tied to bed post!

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Four nuns just happened to die at the same time. Outside the pearly gates of heaven, they meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them, "Welcome sisters."
He says to the first one, "Before I let you in I have to know, have you ever touched a penis before?"
The first sister says, "Yes St. Peter, I have. With my finger."
So St. Peter says, "okay, just dip your finger in the holy water and you're free to go inside."
He asks the second sister, "Have you ever touched a penis before?"
She says, "Yes, St. Peter, with my hand."
So St. Peter says, "Okay, just dip your hand in the holy water and you're free to go inside."
St. Peter asks the third nun, "Have you ever touched a penis before?"
Just then, the fourth nun pushes the third nun aside and says to St. Peter,
"If you think I'm going to gargle with that holy water after she puts her ass in it, you've got another thing coming."

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Kevin has bought a bar 6 months before. To his dismay, his accountant, Chris, has told him that he is so far in the red that he will lose the bar in the next 6 months if he doesn't start making money.
He is so upset, that Chris suggests that he go to circus with him to relax and take his mind off his troubles.
Kevin goes to the circus and in no time is having fun and really relaxed.
As they are leaving the circus, Chris notices an elephant for sale, and says to Kevin "You know that is just the gimmik you need to attract people to your bar."
Well Kevin goes home that night and decides to sleep on it.
When he wakes up in the morning, he has decided to buy the elephant.
Later on that month, Kevin's accountant calls and tells him, "Unless you start making some money in that bar you will lose both the bar and the elephant in about 2 months."
Kevin, in an act of desperation decides to hold a contest to make some quick money on the elephant and attract people into the bar.
He hangs a sign outside the bar that tells people "Make my elephant laugh, win $5,000".
Sure enough in about a week he has $5,000 in the jar he has glued to the bar.
Late that night a bum walks in the bar and asks how to enter the contest.
Kevin says, "Just put $5 in this jar and go out back and make the elephant laugh."
The bum says, "No problem, heres the five bucks."
He then goes out back and in about 5 minutes Kevin hears a rumbling laugh coming from behind the bar.
In walks the bum who demands his $5,000 dollars.
Well Kevin being an honest businessman gives him his money.
The bum thanks him and leaves.
After about 2 straight days of the elephant laughing, Kevin decides the only way to make his money back and shut the elephant up is to have another contest.
So he hangs a new sign outside the bar that says
"Make my elephant cry win $5,000."
Once again in about a week he has made about $5,000, and is feeling like for the first time he will make it.
About 5 minutes before closing in walks the same bum. Kevin looks at him and says
"We close in 5 minutes and I am no longer serving."
The bum just hands him five bucks and walks out back.
A few minutes before Kevin closes the bar, he hears a tremendous wailing from out back.
In walks the bum who says, "Let me have the five grand and I'll be on my way."
Kevin gets the $5,000, but before he gives it to the bum he asks,
"Just tell me how you did and I'll give this to you."
The bum sists down and says, "That's easy, the first time I was here I told the elephant my dick was bigger than his.
Tonight I proved it."

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Everybody has a dog called Rover or Boy.
I call my dog "Sex".
When I went to city hall to buy a licence I told the clerk I wanted a licence for Sex.
He said "I'd like one too."
But then I said "This is a dog."
He said he didn't care what she looked like.
Then I said "You don't understand I've had Sex since I was nine years old."
He said "You must have been quite a kid."
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife, me and a special room for Sex.
He said that every room in the place was for sex.
I said, "You don't understand Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around.
I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest.
He told me that I should have sold my own tickets.
"But you don't understand," I said. I hoped to have Sex on T.V.
He called me a show off.
When my wife and I seperated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
I said "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married."
The judge said "Me too."
Then I told him that after I was married Sex left.
He said "Me too."
Last night Sex ran off again.
I spent hours looking around town for him.
A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?"
I said I'm looking for Sex.
My case comes up Friday.

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So...after Adam was created, there he was in the Garden of Eden.
Of course it wasn't good for him to be all by himself, so the Lord came down to visit.
"Adam," He said, "I have a plan to make you much, much happier.
I'm going to give you a companion, a help meet for you -- someone who will fulfill your every need and desire.
Someone who will be faithful, loving, and obedient.
Someone who will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."
Adam was stunned. "That's sounds incredible!"
"Well, it is," replied the Lord. "But it doesn't come for free. In fact,
this is someone so special that it's going to cost you an arm and a leg."
"That's a pretty high price to pay," said Adam. "What can I get for a rib?"

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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.
St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon,the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things aregoing great.
We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators,and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.
"God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way.
I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right.
And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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gbowman@mcn.org

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