days til muh birfday! start saving!!!

ok time to take a tour of the Princess...I know I know, it sounded kinda kinky. that part comes later ya big dummy. now stay together, questions at the end. to your left you'll see...

I was born on the day after Christmas, 1977. I was/am/will be the only child of my parents marriage. yeah I know, a winter baby. but due to my body's structure, I HATE the cold. always have. now, don’t get me wrong. I like the way winter looks. but that’s it.
I grew up kinda normal. well to do italian/lybian on the maternal side, middle class fun loving German on the paternal. I did the whole Italian princess thing for a while. riding lessons, piano, gymnastics for a while. spent weekends at the track. (we own standardbred horses). vacationed in places like Cape Cod, the Bahamas, and Hawaii. I was a spoiled lil brat kid but I don’t regret it and its part of who I am today. deal with it.
my mom died when I was 8. Metastatic cancer in the lungs and liver, and a brain tumor. the lung cancer is rampant in my maternal family. I know I’ll die of it. I’ve come to terms and only rarely does it actually get to me and freak me out.
~and its Me who is my enemy, Me who beats me up. Me who makes the monsters, Me who strips my confidence~
my dad remarried a year later, the day after my birthday. no biggie. he was married before my mom. I have two half sisters from that 1st marriage. this new family life worked. for about 3 days. lies, spite, jealousy didn’t help. I admit I was a royal bitch. but im never a COMPLETE bitch without warrant. I got along with my stepbrothers and stepsister just fine. it was my step mother and I who clashed like hell A. it was almost like dealing with Marlena Evans on crack.
after 4 months in junior high, I was hospitalized. they sent me to 4 Winds because they thought my religious beliefs were "signs of mental illness". nice huh? during the three months I was there my life got torn apart. a mis diagnosis of "possible schizophrenia" caused my stepmother to forbid me from returning to that home. my nana started to get sick, the same cancer as my mother. my father started to turn against me. they claimed I was suicidal. I never even knew how to go about doing so until I got to know the other residents of my unit. enlightening, or something like that. it was then that I was taught how to relieve emotional pain with physical pain. after a rediagnosis of Manic Depression and possible OCD I was transferred.
from there it was on to Deveraux Glenholme, a correctional school/residential/hell. a high priced jail that was dressed up to look like a well to do boarding school. nearly two years of that place has scarred me like nothing else could ever. they abused their rights as caregivers by tapping phone conversations between children and their parents, stealing funds, opening mail, using abusive techniques for restrainment, using funds for campus beautification, not the well being of the kids, and lying to the board of health. creativity and self-expression was smothered out as soon as possible there. if it weren’t for the friends I made there I would try to forget this part of my life.

~And she's not a movie star, No and she's not a beauty queen.~
~She'll tell you it doesn't matter, 'Cause she's not the only one~

for a month during my time in Deveraux I was sent to Stony Lodge, another hospital, for a second opinion on the schizo thing. they also said, no , I wasn’t a nut job. though my stepmother was made aware of this I was still not allowed back in that home, so my home visits were spent in the Holiday Inn. after a few months of this my father finally told her to piss off and moved out.
in august of 1992 I was released from Deveraux and this would start the "me and Daddy" time of my life. it was just in time to start high school, which was....um....shit. I had always been very "bright" my IQ was tested at 148, which shoved me into "genius" land. since 4th grade I was always 4 grades ahead. then high school shot my education to shite. put into standard 9th grade classes, I was bored out of my mind. after a few months I started to skip all my classes. I dunked my head right into all the things that I knew were wrong.
as my roll in gang activity based out of Connecticut grew, my drug use and general bad attitude did so as well. I was dating real scumbag males and getting arrested. my social life was everything. parties, drugs, boys, girls, etc. I became sexually active with males at 17, women at 13. during my high school years I was engaged twice. both males played out the same scenario. oh-i-love-you-oh-lets-get-married-oh-bail-me-outta-jail-oh-im-shagging-the-entire-phonebook. so much for that idea. fighting, shootings, stabbings, breaking windows with one's face. not the most fun activities in the world, but I ended up partaking in them all. spent my weekends in Gotham, hoping the train for free and sleeping in Grand Central. that I can blame on the anyplace-is-better-than-here syndrome teenagers face often.

~If I expose my weakness to you, Would you love me as I am~
me, the Troubled One, was quite active in gang life from 1992 through 1996. the LPC was my new family. unlike the Ricky Lake crap it wasn’t full of hate. when I told my brothers and sisters that I was going to move on and go to college they were all for it and backed me up like nothin else. I still keep in contact as a non-active member but im not an angel *cough*. I’ve done so many things that I could be in an orange jumpsuit for, but again, I do not regret. it makes me who I am. I never once thought about taking that back, any of it.
I graduated in 1996 and moved out ASAP. funny, as much as my father complained bout his "wife" that he wasn’t with anymore, he sure did move in quick...we're talking a week after I moved. I moved in with Debbi, my "aunt". she was my mother's best friend and now mine. she is also a member of my House. she is all I have as far as remembering my mother. she is my motivation and inspiration, no doubt. she helped me so much, I can never truly repay her for all that she has done.
I went to SUNY Cobleskill for a year, Humanities or something like that. it was odd, this is an ag/tech school. the majority of the students are either farm grown ag kids or from Long Island. I was neither so I was the not-so-happy medium. I met Cheryl there. she is my best friend and my first childe. I met a few other friends but there is only one other that matters now. Tira was my submissive, a House member, my roomie after college....I f*cked up royally by not applying myself in Coby. there is a good thing that came from this though. I spent all my time in the computer lab, chatting and role-playing. there I met a great kitty...yes...a kitty. I role played with one of her main characters, Kestrel.

~If you want me, You can find me. Left of centre, Wondering about you.~
after a year I stopped going there and went to trade school. which turned out to be a rip off anyway, the New School of Radio & Television. I moved from Worcester, NY (with Debbi) to Latham, NY, near Albany with Tira. we both worked as security guards at the airport.
Tira is a great girl, just misguided and down on herself. she lived an online life and that was is. I tried my best to help her, as a true Mistress should, and as a friend. she let the people she met online run her mind and heart. I started getting phone bills like mad from those she called long distance, half she didn’t even know their real names. I started to fear for her well being and out safety. so I cut her off from using my computer. after some arguing she vanished for a week and left me home to panic. I made her leave. she never did pay off the bills she ran up. now I have no hard feelings for the girl. she just delivered two beautiful girls in December and I am so happy for her. we have once more become close friends, and she has a place in my House. what she does with that is up to her.
so for a about 7 months it was me in the apartment. I had gone from the airport to a security system company, and by the time March of 1999 came, I was working for MIDAS. in March I made a large life choice. back in December, to backtrack a bit, I had collared the above-mentioned kitty. in March I moved her and her daughter to my home. I had gained a present day family at that point. kitty was my thrall, best friend, and sister. Cynthia was to be officially made my god daughter through baptism.

~You think your head's achin', I'm not finished yet. I won't be mistaken, How soon you forget~
~Take back what you said, And I'll spare you pain. Then you can spare me, All your fuckin' lies~
since then I had become more active in the vampire and BDSM lifestyles. I was collared (training) by He||lion, sired by Stephen O'Mallie, and was quite happy when I wasn’t doing battle with the evil collections monstahs. we moved to Schenectady, NY. we had a great new apartment. I got the boot from Trans World Entertainment but I did some odd jobs here and there anyways. these include web work, wrestling, and modeling. I even tried to return to an internship I had at WPYX when my car was working. I eventually went back to college. I attended ITT Tech in Albany for a quarter before my financial situation finally got extreme.
I had ventured into furry roleplaying and that’s about it for online anymore. it keeps me partially sane to let my mind wade into role-play and other worlds. I can be something and someone else for just a moment, and never have to worry about permanent decisions.
by December of 2000, I no longer wore a collar. He||lion vanished when I needed him most and never even acknowledged that I miscarried his child at 2 months pregnant. all that time of smothering my dislike for a poly relationship got me nowhere. I loved him with all my heart and to him it was another romp in bed when he was in town. cest la vie or something ethnic like that...

~There's such a fooled heart Beating so fast in search of new dreams A love that will last within your heart~

I have an ever growing House and a chosen family that I love. my adoptive father (not legally mind you) is a Gorean wolf I have known for a few years. he and my sire are my real parents now. unfortunately in March my real father found my former web site and discovered that i am Bi, a vampire, and into BDSM. he not-so-formally disowned me and removed me from t he family as a whole. I cant figure something out and maybe you can...as a kid I was a druggie, getting arrested, running with a gang, skipping school. now I am doing safe and legal things that MAKE ME HAPPY and he thought me a horrid person....which is worse? from March of 99 until my birthday in 2000 there had been no contact on his part...well...to me in person. I hear tell he asked about me often.
love life is a joke. always has been...I love my missie, despite not hearing from her in ages, and as far as males go....I am, how do they say it...SINGLE and looking. but I don’t think its gonna happen. I am complicated. there is too much to me. when a male in my age group looks for a mate they look for someone they can relate to. I listen to all types of music, dress in all sorts of fashions, I role-play, I day dream, im a dark hungry beast, im a f*ck up, im a smartarse, im all kindsa crap that has nothing to do with each other. when a male sees in me what they are themselves they get interested. then they see another part of me and they get scared. they don’t know how to handle that. so they leave. the headbanger doesn’t like the cowgirl in me, the cowboy doesn’t like the vampire in me, the pants-hangin-off-the-arse boys don’t like the hard rock in me. the list goes on and on. I think that someday there will be a mate for me. I am the kind who wants a faithful husband and many children. I have been hurt so much yet I still try. after all the verbal abuse, the being shot at, being stabbed, put through windows, stolen from, lied to, cheated on....I still have faith in myself. someone will want me someday.
after being reunited with Alicia on the Sally show in March of 99 (a sorely missed part of my life from Deveraux) I feel at odds with myself. part of me, a LARGE part of me, is so filled with relief and a semi sense of closure...but part of me is now freshly haunted by that place...

~I think. I think I am. Therefor I am. I think...~
kitty's girlfriend moved in with us in the spring of 2000. Holly was nice enough online, and made kitty happy so I was more then happy to move her in with us. I had planned that 3 ppl paying the bills instead of 2 would be even easier. unfortunately it ended up still being ME paying all the bills. the home remained a mess and kitty didn’t seem to care that Social Services was on her case.
so I took a plane to California to further my modeling career. the deal was I’d stay in Long Beach for 6 months and send home the money to help with the bills. after that I would return to NY. while I was gone I found out that Holly was someone other than who she claimed to be. she had claimed many, many photographs to be of her before she had gained weight. she even went so far as to threaten law suits on those who had these pictures. it turns out that Batty is a girl named Tracy in Texas, not Holly. so I called her on it. kitty took her side on it after all vie done for her and her natural daughter. several days later they were gone. along with all of my mother's jewelry. they left the apartment in ruins, and left the animals to starve. it turns out Holly even used my name and social security # to turn on utilities and Gods know what else at this point. now my dog is gone, who was my best friend since the day she was born. all I had of my mom is missing, probably pawned. and my dad and Lady think im a horrid person for losing it all. my honest opinion? kitty isn’t that type of person. she isn’t that mean. I blame all of this on Holly's influence. if she can commit copyright infringement and lie about her life, why not add grand theft and identity theft? and lets not forget fraud. I’m still looking for them to have them arrested.
so I thought I would be a permanent resident of Cali...at least for the next year or so. after that...i wasnt really sure what I wanted to do. i was a cam grrrrrl and it wasnt a bad job. payed some of the bills for the most part. and i as warm in winter!
That didnt work well...heh. So now I'm smack in the middle of Brooklyn. Im finally near enough to Gotham to do anyfuckinthing i want! Like I always wanted! YAR!!! Job hunting, news at 11

ah well....this is my life....this is me and there aint a damned thing I regret.

~all these scars are mine~

I'm afraid of growing old
I'm afraid of staying young and running out of fun
I'm afraid of photographs of mom and dad when there were young
I'm afraid of spending my life waiting for a day that may never come
I'm afraid of earthquakes hurricanes and others acts of God
I'm afraid of having kids I'm afraid there'll be no world for them to live
I'm afraid of pleasing other people all the time
I'm afraid of jealousy cupidity and all words that end in "e"
I'm afraid of madmen with bombs who think they're God

But I'm not afraid I'm not afraid I'm not afraid of you
I'm not afraid I'm not afraid

I'm afraid of driving over 65
I'm afraid of flying in the sky
I'm afraid of getting out of bed and nowhere to put my head
I'm afraid of multiple choice when 'a' and 'b' and 'c' and 'd' are true
I'm afraid of not being afraid

But I'm not afraid I'm not afraid I'm not afraid of you
I'm not afraid I'm not afraid

You're a constant in life's stream of variables
As sure as the sun and the moon
You're a certain in this world of changeables
You are you and that's the only things I know that's true

But I'm not afraid I'm not afraid I'm not afraid of you...

childhood high school college misc crap-ola OMG! shes...a...VAMPIRE?!? projects...jobs....crap
ok so I started out kyoot... two Nicoles? double yer pleasure??? ehhhh? wut? erm...sumfin from x-mas? SMILE! VEY old portfolio shot
hmmm...still kyoot here.... shitfaced...as usual shhh! we hidin halloween '98 wif muh kiddo wow..its a good thing I didn’t pay for these..
ok...when did I get so unkyoot? musta been high school big ol, size 55, bright green....pants 'TALLICA!!!!!!! yeah yeah...I know...its pink...laugh it up EVERYONE should have a cemetary pic helping teach photographers
hehehe stick em up! yeah...and? he's itailan!! ready for the dance! HEY! I look GOOOOSH in uniform dammit! Hallows party at werk...guess who won the costume contest? boredom....and roses
. VEY italian! I cant help muhself! me and da Cheryl lady outside the 'puter lab heh....chicks dig the tongue ring..and she paid fer it too . Russ and Rebel Leather
. dun ask cause I dunno college pics, not at MY college but its a college dammit! me and muh real dad USED to get along... . mmmm...Venger pic...
. . . same x-mas...w/out the dad . a nice shot of my back ink
. . . *sigh* we look damned good together... . .
. . . erm...run? run while you can... . gold may be my color, but I can do silver too
. . . when I say "kiss my arse" this is where I mean. . .
. . . my reunion on the Sally Show! . .
. . . someone gave my bird crack too.... . .
this is all I have to say about it!

  1. stats: 5'3" 115lbs 36B-28-36, size 10 shoe (female american)
  2. favorite scents: Aspen cologne, roses, pine, green tea
  3. peeves: chewing with ones mouth open, narrow minds, stereotypes, the system
  4. fetishes:hair(playing with and having her own played with), heels, school girl uniforms, biting, edgeplay, role play, depersonalization, sensory shhhhtuff
  5. fav color(s): green and gold...and redhead
  6. fav flora:daisies, roses, and paperwhites
  7. religious practice:Councilistics
  8. phobias:fear of needles (Aichmophobia)/fear of injections(Trypanophobia), fear of man made heights, fear of bridges, fear of being ridiculed (Catagelophobia/Katagelophobia), fear of failure or defeat (Kakorrhaphiophobia), fear of being evaluated negatively in social situations (Social Phobia), fear of imperfection (Atelophobia), fear of anal sex, fear of performing oral sex (on males), fear of hot metal objects