Not so Innocent Jokes

Three Ecologists

Three ecologists are exploring deep in the jungle searching for new plant life when they are captured by a tribe of cannibals. They are taken back to the village to be tried by the chief. The chief stares at the white men and is about to give the usual "let's boil them alive" orders, when he gets an idea. "I shall let each of you go," he says, "if you can go out into the jungle and within one hour, come back with 10 identical pieces of fruit." The men are overjoyed when they hear this so off they run into the jungle to gather fruit.
Half an hour later, one of them comes back with 10 peaches and proudly brings them to the chief. The chief looks at the fruit and tells him that he will let him go if he can shove all 10 pieces of fruit up his bottom without changing his facial expression. He notices all the serious faces of the tribesmen so he starts to shove, but with the peach halfway in he lets out an agonizing shriek of pain. The chief promptly gives the order to kill him.
Ten minutes later the second guy comes back and sees his friend lying dead in the dirt. The tribesmen grab him and tell him to open his hands for the chief. In his hands he holds 10 identical berries. When the chief gives the same orders he is visibly relieved and quickly begins to shove the fruit up his rear end. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9..... ..then suddenly the guy busts out laughing!
Not amused, the chief once again gives the order to kill the guy.
Now the two dead guys are up in heaven discussing what had just happened.
"You only had one more berry to shove up your bottom, and you were home free! Why did you start laughing?"
"I couldn't help it. I lost it when I saw Fred coming down the path with 10 pineapples!"

Superman

So, these two guys are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when one turns to the other and says: "You know, last week I discovered if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
2nd Man: "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."
1st Man: "No, it's true. Let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and careens to the street below. When he passes the10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the10th floor window. He takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a onetime fluke."
1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps hurtling toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th, floors...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

Clinton's Clock

Hillary dies and goes to Heaven where she meets St. Peter.
She notices that there are clocks everywhere. She asks St. Peter why are there so many clocks here. St. Peter tells her that each clock represents a person on earth and that every time a person tells a lie, the clock ticks off one-second.
St. Peter explains that the one clock has never moved because it belonged to mother Theresa and she never told a lie her whole life. The next clock belonged to Abraham Lincoln and since he only told two lies his whole life, only two seconds had clicked.
Hillary asks, "Where is Bill's clock?"
St. Peter says, "Bill's clock is upstairs in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Chelsea Clinton Looking for Love

One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Mom & Dad, I have some great news for you. I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington! He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt."

After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him."
Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again.
A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June."
Again, her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this."
Chelsea became furious upon hearing what her Dad had to say.
She decided to go to her Mother and tell her about his numorous infedilities. After Chelsea told her Mom everything, she concluded crying, "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married. Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother."
Hillary just shook her head and replied, "Don't pay any attention to what he says dear. He's not really your father."

Presidents in Oz

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."
"No problem" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward,"Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain."
"Done" says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I've heard it's true" says the Wizard. "Consider it done." Then there is a great silence.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"
"Is Dorothy around?"

The Mailman

One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it.
The next day, the Grandfather died.
About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation.
Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."
"YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?", the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

The Old Lady

In a tiny village lived an old lady, who in spite of her age, was still a virgin and very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. The undertaker, true to his word, instructed his men to inscribe on the tombstone what the lady had requested. The men went to carve it, but as they were lazy and it was close to quitting time, they decided the inscription was unnecessarily long. So they simply carved: "Returned unopened."

Maloo Masti

A bus stops and two Malloo men get on. They seat themselves and are engaged in animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but she listens in horror as one of them says, "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses dey come together. I come again. Two asses,dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."
" You foul mouthed swine, retorted the lady indignantly," in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!.
" Hey coola down lady, said the man," Imma just telling my friend how to spell MISSISSIPPI."

Good, Bad, Worse
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Good: You and your spouse agree, no more kids.
Bad: The birth control pills are missing.
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He involved with the woman next door.
Worse: So are you.

Good: You teach your daughter about the birds and the bees.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Good: The Postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK-47.
Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas.




	Not So Innocent Jokes Three Ecologists Three ecologists are exploring deep in the jungle searching for new plant life when they are captured by a tribe of cannibals. They are taken back to the village to be tried by the chief. The chief stares at the white men and is about to give the usual "let's boil them alive" orders, when he gets an idea. "I shall let each of you go," he says, "if you can go out into the jungle and within one hour, come back with 10 identical pieces of fruit." The men are overjoyed when they hear this so off they run into the jungle to gather fruit. Half an hour later, one of them comes back with 10 peaches and proudly brings them to the chief. The chief looks at the fruit and tells him that he will let him go if he can shove all 10 pieces of fruit up his bottom without changing his facial expression. He notices all the serious faces of the tribesmen so he starts to shove, but with the peach halfway in he lets out an agonizing shriek of pain. The chief promptly gives the order to kill him. Ten minutes later the second guy comes back and sees his friend lying dead in the dirt. The tribesmen grab him and tell him to open his hands for the chief. In his hands he holds 10 identical berries. When the chief gives the same orders he is visibly relieved and quickly begins to shove the fruit up his rear end. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9..... ..then suddenly the guy busts out laughing! Not amused, the chief once again gives the order to kill the guy. Now the two dead guys are up in heaven discussing what had just happened. "You only had one more berry to shove up your bottom, and you were home free! Why did you start laughing?" "I couldn't help it. I lost it when I saw Fred coming down the path with 10 pineapples!" Superman So, these two guys are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when one turns to the other and says: "You know, last week I discovered if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. 2nd Man: "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen." 1st Man: "No, it's true. Let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and careens to the street below. When he passes the10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the10th floor window. He takes the elevator back up to the bar. The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a onetime fluke." 1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps hurtling toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. 2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th, floors...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.' Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk." Clinton's Clock Hillary dies and goes to Heaven where she meets St. Peter. She notices that there are clocks everywhere. She asks St. Peter why are there so many clocks here. St. Peter tells her that each clock represents a person on earth and that every time a person tells a lie, the clock ticks off one-second. St. Peter explains that the one clock has never moved because it belonged to mother Theresa and she never told a lie her whole life. The next clock belonged to Abraham Lincoln and since he only told two lies his whole life, only two seconds had clicked. Hillary asks, "Where is Bill's clock?" St. Peter says, "Bill's clock is upstairs in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." Chelsea Clinton Looking for Love One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Mom & Dad, I have some great news for you. I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington! He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt." After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him." Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June." Again, her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this." Chelsea became furious upon hearing what her Dad had to say. She decided to go to her Mother and tell her about his numorous infedilities. After Chelsea told her Mom everything, she concluded crying, "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married. Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother." Hillary just shook her head and replied, "Don't pay any attention to what he says dear. He's not really your father." Presidents in Oz The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard. "WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?" Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage." "No problem" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?" Ronald Reagan steps forward,"Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain." "Done" says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great Wizard?" Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart." "I've heard it's true" says the Wizard. "Consider it done." Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?" "Is Dorothy around?" The Mailman One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?", the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!" The Old Lady In a tiny village lived an old lady, who in spite of her age, was still a virgin and very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin" Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. The undertaker, true to his word, instructed his men to inscribe on the tombstone what the lady had requested. The men went to carve it, but as they were lazy and it was close to quitting time, they decided the inscription was unnecessarily long. So they simply carved: "Returned unopened." Maloo Masti A bus stops and two Malloo men get on. They seat themselves and are engaged in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but she listens in horror as one of them says, "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses dey come together. I come again. Two asses,dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more." " You foul mouthed swine, retorted the lady indignantly," in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!. " Hey coola down lady, said the man," Imma just telling my friend how to spell MISSISSIPPI." Good, Bad, Worse -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Good: You and your spouse agree, no more kids. Bad: The birth control pills are missing. Worse: Your daughter borrowed them. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. Worse: You're in them. Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Worse: He looks better than you. Good: Your son's finally maturing. Bad: He involved with the woman next door. Worse: So are you. Good: You teach your daughter about the birds and the bees. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Worse: With corrections. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer. Good: The Postman's early. Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK-47. Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas.


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