Innocent Jokes

Good Ol' Barber
There is this Good Ol' Barber in some city in US.
One day a Florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen Donuts from Dunkin Donuts waiting at his door.
A Desi Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, finds A Dozen Desis waiting for a free Haircut......

The Sparrow
Once Upon A Time There Was A Sparrow Who Decided Not To Fly South For The Winter. But The Cold Became So Unbearable, And The Winds Grew So Strong, That He Finally Had No Choice But To Fly South.On His Journey, It Began To Snow Ferociously. The Snow And Ice Clung To His Wings And Feathers, Freezing Them Solid. He Plummeted To The Ground Frozen Half To Death In A Barnyard. Laying In That Barnyard, Half Dead, The Little Sparrow Thought That This Was Surely The End Of His
Existence. :O(
It Wasn't Long Before One Of The Resident Cows Grazed By, Taking A Big Shit On The Little Sparrow As He Passed. It Warmed The Sparrow, and Defrosted His Little Wings. The Little Sparrow Was Warm And Happy To Be Alive, So He Began To Chirp His Happiest Song, Loudly And Triumphantly
For All To Hear. One Of The Resident Barn Cats Was Not Far Away From All This Commotion, And Heard The Song Of The Sparrow.Sparrows Were Out Of Season, And The Cat Knew This Of Course, But Decided To Investigate Just The Same. The Cat Spotted The Sparrow From A Distance Seemingly Bathing In A Pile Of Cow Shit. At This Time Of Year, A Cat Can't Be Picky. After All, A Sparrow Is A Sparrow. And With That, The Cat Promptly Ate The Sparrow.

Morals To This Story:

1)Anyone Who Shits On You Is Not Necessarily Your Enemy.
2)Anyone Who Gets You Out Of Shit Is Not Necessarily Your Friend.
3)And If You're All Warm And Happy In A Pile Of Shit, Keep Your Big Mouth Shut.

An Insect

An insect fell into a mug of beer

Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out

American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer

Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away

Indian : Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new mug of beer.

Pakistani : Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer: relates the issue to Kashmir. Asks the Chinese for military aid and takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer. The Englishman's job is to second the American.

Des vs Pardes

Have fun reading the following definitions....

Mother-in law:
In Des-A woman capable of making your life miserable
In Pardes- A women you never fight, because where else you will find such a dedicated baby sitter for free?

Husband:
In Des- A boring human species, who listens more to his mother than you, and orders you around to serve him, his parents and siblings.
In Pardes- Still boring, but now a useful human species that comes inhandy when the house needs to be vacuumed, the laundry folded, the lawn maintained, the basement finished (etc....need I go on?).

Friend:
In Des- A person who's house you can drop into any time of the day or night and you'll always be welcome
In Pardes: A person who you have to call first to check and make sure he is not busy.

Wife:
In Des- A woman who gives you your underwear and towel when you go to take shower.
In Pardes- A woman who yells at you not to leave tub dirty when you go to take bath.

Son:
In Des: A teenager, who without asking will carry your grocery bags from the market.
In Pardes: A teenager, who suddenly remembers he has lot of home work when you start mowing the lawn.

Daughter:
In Des- A lovely doll, who brings tears to your eyes when her doli is about to leave.
In Pardes-A lovely doll, who brings you to tears long before any doli time.

Mother:
In Des-A woman who defends you and cares for you, but would not dare to go against your father's wishes for you.
In Pardes-A woman who is ready for anything you want, especially if dad's against it.

Father:
In Des- A person you are afraid of, and who is never to be disobeyed.
In Pardes:- A person to whom you pretend to obey, after all he is the one paying your college tuition.

Desi Engineer:
In Des-A person with a respectable job and lots of uppar ki kamai.
In Pardes: A person without a secure job, who always dreams one day he will be rich.

Desi Doctor:
In Des: A respectable person with reasonably good income.
In pardes:A money making machine, who has a money spending machine at home called "doctor di biwi".

Bhangra:
In Des- A vigorous punjabi festival dance.
In Pardes: A desi dance you do, when you don't know how to dance.

Airline Jokes

Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean"
The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation, were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane"
After this announcement all the pasengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.
The captain once again made an annoucement: "Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane.
For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane...
---THANK YOU FOR FLYING LUFTHANSA- "

British Airways

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic."
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off." "If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses.
This is a recorded message."

Air France

There once was a flight heading from London to New York. Halfway during the flight, the captain suddenly comes over the intercom system...
"This is Captain Jean-Pierre Lalonde speaking. I have a bit of bad news for you. We have lost our first left engine, but never fear, we can still make it using only three engines. But because of the loss of power, we will be two hours late."
Time goes on, and once again the PA system crackles to life... "This is again your Captain. We have lost an engine on our starboard wing. But rest assured that our plane can fly using only two engines. Due to the reduced power, we will now be four hours late."
The flight goes on, when the passengers hear the now familiar sound of the address system... "Guess what, folks! We lost another engine, but nothing to fear. We can still make it using only one engine. But now we will be six hours late. " On hearing this, an elderly lady turned to the person sitting next to her, and said: "I hope we don't lose ANOTHER engine. I'll be late for my connecting flight from New York!"

Philippine Airlines

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mabuhay!, this is your Captain Biglang-awa speaking,We are now over the Philippine trench where you can find the deepest part of the Pacific ocean. Here you can also find almost all the ferocious creatures in the sea, there's the killer sharks, barracudas and many others. And now for the finale, please, stay calm and don't panic for both our engines are dead and we are now going down into that ocean. Please wear your life vest. We are going to crashland this plane into the water. In the meantime, I would like you to follow everything I'm going to say, repeat after me: "Our Father Who are in Heaven.........."



	Good Ol' Barber There is this Good Ol' Barber in some city in US. One day a Florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen Donuts from Dunkin Donuts waiting at his door. A Desi Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, finds A Dozen Desis waiting for a free Haircut...... The Sparrow Once Upon A Time There Was A Sparrow Who Decided Not To Fly South For The Winter. But The Cold Became So Unbearable, And The Winds Grew So Strong, That He Finally Had No Choice But To Fly South.On His Journey, It Began To Snow Ferociously. The Snow And Ice Clung To His Wings And Feathers, Freezing Them Solid. He Plummeted To The Ground Frozen Half To Death In A Barnyard. Laying In That Barnyard, Half Dead, The Little Sparrow Thought That This Was Surely The End Of His Existence. :O( It Wasn't Long Before One Of The Resident Cows Grazed By, Taking A Big Shit On The Little Sparrow As He Passed. It Warmed The Sparrow, and Defrosted His Little Wings. The Little Sparrow Was Warm And Happy To Be Alive, So He Began To Chirp His Happiest Song, Loudly And Triumphantly For All To Hear. One Of The Resident Barn Cats Was Not Far Away From All This Commotion, And Heard The Song Of The Sparrow.Sparrows Were Out Of Season, And The Cat Knew This Of Course, But Decided To Investigate Just The Same. The Cat Spotted The Sparrow From A Distance Seemingly Bathing In A Pile Of Cow Shit. At This Time Of Year, A Cat Can't Be Picky. After All, A Sparrow Is A Sparrow. And With That, The Cat Promptly Ate The Sparrow. Morals To This Story: 1)Anyone Who Shits On You Is Not Necessarily Your Enemy. 2)Anyone Who Gets You Out Of Shit Is Not Necessarily Your Friend. 3)And If You're All Warm And Happy In A Pile Of Shit, Keep Your Big Mouth Shut. An Insect An insect fell into a mug of beer Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away Indian : Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new mug of beer. Pakistani : Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer: relates the issue to Kashmir. Asks the Chinese for military aid and takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer. The Englishman's job is to second the American. Des vs Pardes Have fun reading the following definitions.... Mother-in law: In Des-A woman capable of making your life miserable In Pardes- A women you never fight, because where else you will find such a dedicated baby sitter for free? Husband: In Des- A boring human species, who listens more to his mother than you, and orders you around to serve him, his parents and siblings. In Pardes- Still boring, but now a useful human species that comes inhandy when the house needs to be vacuumed, the laundry folded, the lawn maintained, the basement finished (etc....need I go on?). Friend: In Des- A person who's house you can drop into any time of the day or night and you'll always be welcome In Pardes: A person who you have to call first to check and make sure he is not busy. Wife: In Des- A woman who gives you your underwear and towel when you go to take shower. In Pardes- A woman who yells at you not to leave tub dirty when you go to take bath. Son: In Des: A teenager, who without asking will carry your grocery bags from the market. In Pardes: A teenager, who suddenly remembers he has lot of home work when you start mowing the lawn. Daughter: In Des- A lovely doll, who brings tears to your eyes when her doli is about to leave. In Pardes-A lovely doll, who brings you to tears long before any doli time. Mother: In Des-A woman who defends you and cares for you, but would not dare to go against your father's wishes for you. In Pardes-A woman who is ready for anything you want, especially if dad's against it. Father: In Des- A person you are afraid of, and who is never to be disobeyed. In Pardes:- A person to whom you pretend to obey, after all he is the one paying your college tuition. Desi Engineer: In Des-A person with a respectable job and lots of uppar ki kamai. In Pardes: A person without a secure job, who always dreams one day he will be rich. Desi Doctor: In Des: A respectable person with reasonably good income. In pardes:A money making machine, who has a money spending machine at home called "doctor di biwi". Bhangra: In Des- A vigorous punjabi festival dance. In Pardes: A desi dance you do, when you don't know how to dance. Airline Jokes Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean" The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation, were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane" After this announcement all the pasengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an annoucement: "Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane... ---THANK YOU FOR FLYING LUFTHANSA- " British Airways This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic." "If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off." "If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message." Air France There once was a flight heading from London to New York. Halfway during the flight, the captain suddenly comes over the intercom system... "This is Captain Jean-Pierre Lalonde speaking. I have a bit of bad news for you. We have lost our first left engine, but never fear, we can still make it using only three engines. But because of the loss of power, we will be two hours late." Time goes on, and once again the PA system crackles to life... "This is again your Captain. We have lost an engine on our starboard wing. But rest assured that our plane can fly using only two engines. Due to the reduced power, we will now be four hours late." The flight goes on, when the passengers hear the now familiar sound of the address system... "Guess what, folks! We lost another engine, but nothing to fear. We can still make it using only one engine. But now we will be six hours late. " On hearing this, an elderly lady turned to the person sitting next to her, and said: "I hope we don't lose ANOTHER engine. I'll be late for my connecting flight from New York!" Philippine Airlines Ladies and Gentlemen, Mabuhay!, this is your Captain Biglang-awa speaking,We are now over the Philippine trench where you can find the deepest part of the Pacific ocean. Here you can also find almost all the ferocious creatures in the sea, there's the killer sharks, barracudas and many others. And now for the finale, please, stay calm and don't panic for both our engines are dead and we are now going down into that ocean. Please wear your life vest. We are going to crashland this plane into the water. In the meantime, I would like you to follow everything I'm going to say, repeat after me: "Our Father Who are in Heaven.........."


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