Chalky, Dufus, Shirt & Tigger…

…Get a Head Start

The What Shop had become something of a forbidden zone of late. It didn’t help that their signing events had diminished considerably and that when they did have one, it tended to be someone who had appeared at 7^th Galaxy a month, a week or even a day before.

Therefore, when the What Shop announced the presence of Mr. Anthony Stewart Head – star of Gold Blend, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Manchild and – most important of all – Big Finish’s recent Excelis Trilogy – the gang got most excited.

7^th Galaxy had attempted to get the man himself for the release of the first Excelis play – Excelis Dawns. However, they were usurped by an evil Buffy convention and had to cancel – much to the gang’s disappointment. The What Shop, in a rare coup, though, managed to gain Mr. Head’s attendance for the final Excelis play – Excelis Decays (do you see how that works – clever innit?).

With Enigma somewhere else as usual, and Lupine in a poor state of finances/visiting his grandparents/gigging/rehearsing, it was up to Chalky, Dufus, Shirt and the ever-so-excited Tigger (bit of an Angel/Buffy fan, you see), to meet the man himself.

Using previous What Shop signings as a benchmark, the friends decided that the queue – even for Mr. Head, wouldn’t be that long. Poor advertising, and the previously mentioned issues, led to What Shop queues tending to be the five blokes who could never be arsed to go ‘one stop more’ to 7^th Galaxy and whichever members of our friendly gang had managed to get there.

After travel problems for all, particularly Dufus who ‘phoned to say he would meet them at the shop, the remaining trio trundled up to East Ham on the District Line and left the station to see the façade of the What Shop before them across the street – the shops next to it obscured by a large red bus and other slow-moving traffic.

“Doesn’t look very long,” commented Chalky, seeing the few people standing nearest the door.

“No, it doesn’t. Looks like…” Shirt didn’t finish his sentence. The large red bus moved on and Chalky, Shirt and Tigger were greeted by possible the longest queue East Ham has ever seen. Not only was it past the mobile phone shop, the Indian restaurant AND the carpet shop, but it was past Lloyds bank and curling round the corner!

“I didn’t know there were so many Gold Blend fans out there”, exclaimed Tigger.

“Arse!” they all said.

Disappearing into the shop (which had two scary security guards on the door), having had to queue to go IN, they re-emerged with three copies of Excelis Decays (for Chalky, Dufus & Shirt) and an incredibly over-priced photograph of Mr. Head (for Tigger). However, in emerging from the shop, the trio became momentarily separated and a moment or two of frantic phoning made Chalky realise that Tigger and Shirt had already joined the back of the queue (which was in a different time zone) and he should stop being so jumpy.

And so it was that the trio spent possibly the longest time ever on East Ham High Street (that is until the whole Ian Cullen Aztecs DVD fiasco). Having completed cards for the raffle (which none of them won) and sung “Songs From the Shows”, they inched slowly but surely past Lloyds, past the carpet shop ("West End quality at East End prices"), where Dufus joined them, and past the Indian restaurant, the quartet decided that most of the people in the queue were ‘Buffy fans’ (understand that that the phrase is said with an air of snottiness). They continued on past the mobile phone shop whilst being accosted by a woman wanting to know their names. Momentarily guarded against this invasion of privacy, they realised it was for post-it notes to be stuck to the CDs/photos so Mr. Head could sign them (how stupid did they think he was?).

Eventually moving into the shop, the trio approached the small table, by which was seated the formidable form of Helen A, ensuring that nobody, but nobody got any other items signed.

"What you've bought, and one personal item per two items", she said.

Chalky ignoring this managed to get all 3 "Excelis" CDs signed by pretending he’d bought his unsigned “Excelis Dawns” CD on the day.

Mr. Head then decided to have a break just as Chalky, Dufus & Tigger reached him, causing Chalky to undertake his trademark raised eyebrows of disgust.

The signing restarting, and the queue whizzing through, the trio hardly had time to speak to Mr. Head, least of all Tigger who stood dumbfounded before him.

However, Dufus did manage to get Shirt's "Jonathan Creek: The Wrestler’s Tomb" video cover signed, provoking long discussion between Anthony and Helen A over whether he was in it. (He is – he’s the original Adam Klaus)

Leaving the shop, the trio settled down from the whirlwind that had been the Anthony Stewart Head signing. With Tigger clutching her precious photograph, Dufus clutching his precious CD, Shirt clutching his precious “Jonathan Creek” cover, and Chalky clutching Tigger’s…………they wended their merry way home to partake of the delights of “Grease” the 1950’s musical – vowing never to underestimate the power of Gold Blend Coffee fans again.

(Fortunately, nobody seemed to give in to the temptation of giving Mr. Head a Nescafe jar to sign – hilarious thought it had seemed when the friends first thought of it…)

[AE]