Prologue (Friday)

Seventh Galaxy were having a convention in Birmingham.

”Dufus lives near Birmingham”, mused Shirt.

Unsurprisingly Dufus was up for such a jaunt, particularly as it was featuring guests from classic and new series WHO, as well as “Torchwood”. The decider was the presence of TVM Master, Eric Roberts. Chalky having just moved into his new house with Tigger was strapped for money, and so it was only Shirt that made his way up to Birmingham.

Having missed the £10 train fare to Tamworth offer by one day, Shirt decided to get to Dufus’ by Megabus and train. Initially concerned that the heavy rain would put paid to this, Shirt was happy that both coach and train websites described no problems. Catching the bus from London, Shirt made sure that his case was secured in as many places as possible to prevent it being stolen. He also put a garish luggage strap round it so that he could see if anyone was running off with it in Coventry. The weather was bad with rain lashing down outside, meaning that the coach had to go slower than the timetable. Arriving at Warwick Services at the time they were due at Coventry, Shirt turned his mobile on to find a message from Dufus that he had managed to get the day off work and so could meet Shirt at Tamworth Station whatever time he got in.

Arriving at Birmingham half-an-hour late, the rain had increased. Nipping into a branch of Naughty Asteroid a few metres away from the bus stop, Shirt sheltered from the rain and looked at the action figures that they had. Calling Dufus, he purchased a Lilith figure for them both. Following signs (his map from the web having disintegrated in the wet), Shirt strode off for New Street Station, frantically trying to keep himself, his bags, and most importantly the tube containing his Series 3 poster, dry. His umbrella was continually being blown inside out, and Shirt had to duck into several more shops for shelter. Finally he arrived at the station, bought a ticket from the machine, and dashed through the barrier without looking to see which platform he needed. Having finally found the right platform, Shirt stepped onto the final carriage of the train just as the doors were closing. Having spoken to Dufus and given him time of arrival, Shirt managed to throw all his change over the floor of the carriage whilst looking for his ticket.

Arriving at Tamworth Station, Dufus was not to be seen. Ten minutes later, his car pulled onto the forecourt, and Shirt happily jumped in. Manhandling all Shirt’s bags to Dufus’ house, the two collapsed on the sofa. A few minutes later, Dufus made them both sandwiches whilst Shirt played with the Sky +. The afternoon was spent in swapping “Battles in Time” cards and sticker album stickers, and in Shirt identifying mystery signatures on Dufus’ CDs and DVDs that he was cataloguing on his computer [Nicholas Pegg & Jason Haigh-Ellery being the most common ones]. They also spent ten minutes looking for Dufus’ Remote-Controlled Davros, which he was concerned might have been stolen, until finally finding it in a corner of the shelf that Dufus had thought it would be on in the first place. Dufus having little food in, it was decided to go out for a meal that evening, and on their return they spent over half-an-hour driving round the roads close to Dufus’ as Chalky had told them that one had a TARDIS in. Giving up they returned to Dufus’ where they checked the road name and looked it up on the web. It proved to be two minutes walk away. A quick look was unsuccessful, and so it was agreed to try again on Sunday.

Believing that an early night would mean an early start the next day, they both retired to their bedrooms.

Day One (Saturday)

Leaving later than planned (as usual), the two passed the road that allegedly has a TARDIS, with Dufus adamant that he could see a TARDIS roof. They then made a slight detour to ASDA to both pick up a copy of the new Harry Potter book (despite Dufus not having Books 5 & 6), and for Dufus to umm-and-ahh over exactly which “Decide Your Destiny” books he already had. Dashing back to Dufus’ car through a slight drizzle, they made their way back to the motorway and headed for central Birmingham at some speed. Shirt was confident that with the directions provided by Seventh Galaxy (from the hotel’s website) they would have no problem finding the venue. [You can all see what’s coming next, can’t you?]

Having left the M6 at the given exit, and gone over the flyover and under two underpasses, all they had to do was take the second road on the left. Unfortunately, the first road was closed off, so the two were unsure if it actually was a road.

“It’s probably that one”, said Shirt, sounding very unconvinced as they reached the next road on the left, before adding, “No, let’s try the next one”

Taking the next road and comparing it with the microscopic map that Shirt had printed off, they realised that they had gone wrong as they approached New Street Station. Retracing their route, they ended taking completely the wrong exit from a roundabout and eventually found themselves on completely the wrong side of Birmingham, frantically trying to find somewhere to turn round. Passing the Cathedral, they found their way onto the ring-road, but it took some time before Dufus realised that they were heading for the M6 again and away from the hotel. Finally managing to turn round, they went over the flyover (again) and under two underpasses (again), avoiding a car which had crashed in the second, before taking the road which Shirt had indicated the first time. This proved to be correct, and following a right turn they were passing the hotel and entering the nearby multi-storey car park. Finding a space, and Dufus having given the parking ticket to Shirt for safekeeping, they entered the hotel.

Following the arrows inside, Dufus and Shirt were pleased that although the convention should have begun 15 minutes before, due to a fire alarm that they had just missed it was just starting. In the foyer by the panel and autograph rooms were two desks. There was a long queue at one, which Dufus and Shirt joined.

Suddenly Shirt had an idea, “This is the registration queue isn’t it?”, he asked Dufus.

Dufus went over to the other desk and asked the man there, before returning to Shirt stating that they were in the right queue. When nearly at the front, Shirt pointed out that everyone else just seemed to be buying Photo Studio and Coffee Lounge tickets, and that the other desk seemed to have convention badges on it. Calling over to the other desk, it seemed that the men there had not understood Dufus’ question, and a minute later both Dufus and Shirt had wandered over and got their convention badges and packs. A sign indicated that Gareth Thomas, “Torchwood” guest star and Blake (he of the Seven), would not be attending due to illness. This added to Jenna Russell, Gary Russell, William Russell (who presumably were all at a Russell family reunion) and Eliza Roberts, who had been announced as no-shows prior to the weekend. Next up, Dufus wanted to buy some photos for guests, but on selecting his photos realised that he had left his wallet in the boot of his car. Shirt therefore paid up on his behalf, and the two sauntered into the panel room.

The first panel of the day – Eric Roberts – had started a few minutes before, and Eric was speaking enthusiastically to Dave Owen about his film and TV career, including his upcoming regular role in “Heroes” that was just about to start on BBC2, and which also features Christopher Eccleston. He told the throng that he was in this country to film his part in the new Batman film “The Dark Knight”, which was continuing on the Monday. He spoke enthusiastically about his part in the TV Movie, particularly the part in which he strangles Bruce’s wife, played by Eliza his own spouse. He also spoke enthusiastically about his plans on retirement in five years, to take on certain American fast-food giants in relation to the swathes of rainforest that their burgers are responsible for destroying. Having recommended a couple of his films, questions were sought from the attendees, Dufus and Shirt’s favourite being –

“What do you remember about being in the film ‘Raptor’?”

“The film ‘Rapture’ ?”, asked Eric, clearly remembering nothing about said film, even when reminded of it by the questioner.

The panel completed, Dufus and Shirt decided to visit the merchandise room, passing two women they knew to be the Carrionites from “The Shakespeare Code”, then returned to Dufus’ car to pick up his wallet. Aware that they had a few minutes, they decided to visit the sci-fi shop that they had passed on their wild goose chase which seemed only two minutes away. Finding this without incident, Dufus bought a Cyberman bubble-bath, and Shirt some stickers for his sticker album and the new “Doctor Who: Top Trumps” pack. Suddenly remembering that they both had wanted a “Torchwood” poster, they moved to the back of the shop. Flicking through the wall-mounted unit containing the samples, Shirt identified that he needed number 52. However, the one that he pulled out didn’t look right, until Dufus pointed out that he had taken it from underneath the wrong unit, and that the one he wanted was under the unit he had been flicking through. Having compared the shoe on the rolled poster with that of Captain Jack on the sample, it was confirmed that it was the right poster. Paying for the posters, they exited the shop, dropping excess items off at Dufus’ car on the way, before re-entering the hotel. Walking back to the panel room, Dufus began panicking as he realised that he had lost his Convention Guide which also included the sheet that allowed him to get his free autographs. Splitting up, Shirt went back to the shop to check that Dufus hadn’t left it on the counter, whilst Dufus went back to his car. Luckily it proved to be in the bag with Dufus’ bubble bath in the boot, and so crisis was averted.

The blackboard indicating badge numbers was just below Dufus and Shirt’s, but after ten minutes wait, the range was changed to include the magic numbers. Entering the autograph room, they joined a small queue for Owen Teale (from the Torchwood episode “Countrycide”, and more importantly as far as Shirt was concerned, Maldak from his favourite Colin story “Vengeance on Varos”). Both struggled to sort out their newly acquired Torchwood posters for Owen to sign, as well as Varos DVD covers, and in Dufus’ case the “Torchwood” DVD cover. Dufus was first, and managed to get his items signed without any problems. Owen commented that this was the first “Torchwood” poster that he had signed that day, causing Shirt to wave his own poster at him. Dufus admitted that getting “Torchwood” people on the poster had been Shirt’s idea.

Next Dufus attempted to take a photo of Owen with the camera on his new phone. After thirty seconds of randomly pressing buttons, he still had not succeeded.

“Stand over there whilst I get Owen to sign my items, and try and work out how it works”, ordered Shirt.

Halfway through signing Shirt’s Varos cover, there was a flash from beside the signing table indicating that Dufus had managed to take a photo – of the floor ! Moving back into position, Owen looked down the ‘lens’ again, and Dufus took a photo first time.

Shaking Owen’s hand, the two moved over to the other small queue, for Yasmin Bannerman. Yasmin was happily signing the variety of sci-fi covers presented to her, having been in “Red Dwarf” and “Life on Mars”, as well as new WHO and “Torchwood”. Dufus presented his “Torchwood” poster, “Torchwood” DVD cover and “The End of the World” DVD cover, then took a photo first time. Shirt got his “Torchwood” and Series 1 posters signed. Moving off they sorted their items out, Shirt struggling to fit his “Torchwood” poster into the cardboard tube that already contained his Series 3 poster.

Returning to the panel room, Dufus and Shirt settled in for latter half of the “Shakespeare Code” panel featuring author Gareth Roberts, and Carrionites Linda Clark (Bloodtide) and Amanda Lawrence (Doomfinger). All three spoke positively about the episode and their experience on the new WHO, with Linda having come up with a way that all three Carrionites could reappear in the series. Gareth also spoke with great enthusiasm about the upcoming “Sarah Jane Adventures”. Amanda it seemed is currently working on a one (wo)man show in which she plays Charles Hawtrey. This initially took her audience aback, before after a few seconds everyone realised that she looks quite like him. The two Carrionites seemed to be thoroughly enjoying themselves, in particular their new found fame.

The final panel before lunch was Hyde Fundraisers, but Dufus and Shirt decided to have an early lunch, whilst Shirt struggled to find Naughty Asteroid again for Dufus and get an idea of how to get back there from the station on Monday. With a minimum of wrong turns, and pausing for Dufus to buy speakers for his new phone, they found themselves at the market by Naughty Asteroid. They were horrified to see a clearly counterfeit 12” Tenth Doctor figure on their way through, its overly plastic inanely grinning childish face being the give-away. Reaching Naughty Asteroid, they looked around without buying anything further, then made their way to a nearby fast-food restaurant, ignoring Eric Roberts’ comments from earlier that morning.

Returning to the convention hotel, they decided to attempt to check into their room. All seemed to be going well with the reservation made by Seventh Galaxy being found. Having been given the passcard for the room, the two waited for the lift. And waited and waited and waited. Only one lift was working and seemed loathed to come down to the ground floor level. Finally getting in one, and having gone up and down a bit, the two stepped out onto the appropriate floor. Finding their room, and having got the passcard to work, they entered the room. It took a few seconds to realise what was wrong, then Shirt pointed out the double bed rather than two singles they were expecting. A discussion with the front desk revealed as expected that the hotel was fully booked and therefore no change could be made, and that a double room was what Seventh Galaxy had booked for them. Another attendee who looked like Professor Maxtible was having an argument with desk staff over the fact that his companion was on a completely different floor to him. Dufus and Shirt therefore decided to make the best of a bad job. Grabbing their cases from Dufus’ car, they finally managed to get in a lift and then finally get out at floor two, as everyone seemed to be in the process of moving into their rooms. Cases dumped, they returned downstairs to the panel room.

The numbers for autographs not yet having reached theirs, they went down to the merchandise room again, as they were not particularly interested in the Large Endings panel currently going on. Returning to the autograph room, the numbers were again just under theirs, and again about ten minutes later the necessary alteration was made. There being four people signing that afternoon, people were being directed as to which queue to join first. Dufus and Shirt were herded towards the two Carrionites. First up was Linda Clark (“Mother Bloodtide”), who happily signed Shirt’s Series 3 poster, “Creatures and Demons”, and home-produced photo of the two Carrionites. Linda still seemed to be revelling in all the attention. Moving along, Shirt went over to the table slightly further up the hall at which Amanda Lawrence (“Mother Doomfinger”) was sitting, getting the same three items signed. Dufus followed on behind, managing to snap both the witches as he did so.

Shirt decided to join the long queue for Eric Roberts. Whilst waiting for Dufus to come and join him, uber-fan Mr. Quarrelstick joined the queue behind him with a friend. Dufus was therefore two places behind him in the queue. Whilst waiting for the queue to slowly move, Shirt was entertained by Mr. Quarrelstick’s slagging off of the other main interviewer, Charlie Ross.

“He’d better not do that ‘City of Death’ joke at the cabaret”, he snarled, having heard such routine several times. However, he was not finished with his grumbling.

“He said that if I overslept tomorrow, he’d do the Murray Melvin/Matt Rippy panel”, he told his friend through gritted teeth, all but ruling out the possibility of this happening.

In front of Shirt were a couple, the husband seemingly videoing everything on his camcorder. The camera had a screen showing what was being recorded and Shirt was very amused that much of the tape seemed to be being used up on a female fan dressed as Leela, with frequent zoom-ins to her cleavage.

Finally Shirt reached the signing table, and placed down his TVM DVD cover to be signed.

“Hi, I’m Eric !”, intoned the Master, thrusting a hand across the table.

“I’m Shirt”, replied Shirt, slightly scared.

“Nice to meet you, buddy”, Eric continued, before shaking Shirt’s hand very briskly and signing the cover with a flourish.

Moving off, Shirt made for the queue for the one remaining guest, Carole Ann Ford. However, he was told by a steward who had just finished arguing with the couple with the camcorder that Carole Ann’s queue was closed, and so went outside to wait for Dufus. The couple who were in front of him in the queue were again berating the steward, and having consulted with management were allowed to join the queue. Shirt was also ushered back in and allowed to join the queue.

Meanwhile Dufus was also meeting Eric Roberts, being similarly greeted. There was a sign stating that you could have a photo with Eric for a donation to charity (minimum £1), and so Dufus gave £5, but did not complain when given £4 change. Photo taken on Dufus’ overly complicated camera phone, he was sneaked into the Carole Ann queue by Shirt.

The queue moved swiftly as Carole Ann was keen to get going, and soon both had DVD covers from “The Beginning” boxset signed. Leaving the autograph room, they popped into the panel room to catch the tail-end of a panel with Yasmin Bannerman. She was just struggling to explain why she tends to get sci-fi parts. She then discussed her Jabe prosthetics, and spoke about how she felt that her fellow Forrest members, Alan Ruscoe and Paul Kasey, got off lightly. She had also been surprised how much Jabe appeared in pre-series publicity, even to the extent of her being on the front of “The Times”. This panel brought the day’s events to a close, but the evening offered further delights.

Having not paid for the Celebrity Dinner, Dufus and Shirt returned to their room, watched a little television, and then made for the lift to go out to eat. The lift indicated that it was coming down from Floor 8, where the two had identified that the guests were located. The door opened and the two got into the lift with Eric Roberts and the steward assigned to him. Eric smiled in seeming recognition, getting out on the restaurant floor where he was late for the Celebrity Dinner. Dufus and Shirt continued down to the ground floor, exiting the hotel and making for a pizza restaurant that they had seen at lunchtime. Picking a meal deal, the two partook of pizza, potato wedges and garlic bread. Dufus felt that Shirt seemed a little distracted, and on leaving he realised why when he saw how low-cut the girl at a table opposite’s top was (revealing two Toclafane).

Returning to the hotel, and after quickly changing, they wandered back down to the convention area, passing two casino tables, both full. The cabaret was just beginning, compered by Charlie Ross. Following a couple of routines that Dufus and Shirt recognised from Dimensions the previous year, he introduced Siobhan who was singing without Dalek accompaniment this year. Dufus and Shirt therefore decided to go and watch the gaming tables, but again failed to get a place. Siobhan completed, they went back into the hall for a few more jokes from Charlie, including the ‘City of Death’ one (Shirt looked around for Mr. Quarrelstick), then Charlie introduced the headliner, Clare Clifford (also known as Professor Kyle from “Earthshock”), stand-up comedienne. Ms. Clifford had a unique style – jokes written on her hand - and much of her material seemed to be about the breakdown of her marriage. Towards the end, she also kept repeating “How long have I done ?”, which Charlie Ross seemed to fail to recognise as “Please let me go”, not stepping in until the full half-hour was up. A few more gags from Charlie and it was time for the charity auction. Dufus and Shirt bid on no items, but watched amazed as Billie Piper’s signed script from “Rose” eventually raised over £2,000 for Denville Hall, Lalla Ward’s chosen charity.

The hall was then cleared of people whilst the chairs were moved back to form a dancefloor for the promised disco. Dufus and Shirt joined the Blackjack table, and did quite well (once Shirt realised that he supposed to be beating the dealer not the other players). The casino finally closed, Dufus and Shirt having been ‘cleaned out’ about five times, and so the two made their first jaunt to the bar, before wandering into the disco where a handful of people were dancing to the Scissor Sisters’ “I Can’t Decide” (which featured so prominently in the Series 3 Finale). Most noticeable amongst the dancers were the two Carrionites, who seemed to be really letting themselves go. The disco continued on, with the dance floor filling as the evening drew on (and attendees became drunker). Even Dufus and Shirt got up for a few songs, but not until Dufus had claimed not to know the actions to YMCA. Shirt also noticed Mr. Quarrelstick seemed to be drinking surprisingly heavily for someone who was running the first panel later that morning.

Eventually giving up, and Dufus having fallen asleep for the sixtieth time, the two returned to the room, and both perched on the covers of the bed, facing away from one another, snatched some sleep before the next day’s jollities.

Go to Day Two