Dufus & Shirt…

...Attack of the Giant Noel Clarke

Prologue (Friday)

Seventh Galaxy Events were holding their first convention since the demise of their shop, having joined forces with another events provider. Bad Wolf was again to be in Birmingham, but this time in a hotel next to the ECN. However, since the last one, Dufus had moved to Worksop, and so was not so ideally placed for the festivities. Regardless of this, Dufus and Shirt were still keen to attend, despite being unable to book a room in the convention hotel. Advertised were Peter Davison, Colin Baker, Georgia Moffett, Bernard Cribbins, Chipo Chung, Alexandra Moen, Terry Molloy, John Leeson, Sheridan Smith, Kai Owen and Tom Price.

Shirt decided to check out some of his old haunts in Sheffield (and save money by using Megatrain to get there), and it was agreed that Dufus would join him there to be acquainted with the sci-fi outlets in the nearest large town to his new address. As with the previous year, rain was pummelling down on the train as Shirt travelled up. Having arrived at the Interchange, Shirt spent an hour dragging his suitcase round the City Centre, until returning to the Interchange to meet Dufus. Having stowed his luggage, Shirt showed Dufus which bus they needed to get to reach Universe 10. Arriving in the student suburb where Shirt spent nearly three years of his life, they browsed the items on display for a very long time, finally leaving without buying anything. After a brief detour to a large Oxfam shop, the two made their way back into the City Centre, where dodging the showers they managed to get to Naughty Asteroid where they both bought the new DW Top Trumps and Dufus purchased various comics. On the way back to Dufus’ car, they stopped briefly for Dufus to buy a digital camera for the next day’s events.

With Shirt navigating, they made their way to an out-of-town entertainment complex, where after a meal at Nandos, they made their way into the cinema to watch “Mamma Mia”. (Back in London, when informed of this, Chalky nodded his head as all his suspicions about the other two were confirmed). Shirt had wanted to see “Journey to the Center (sic) of the Earth 3D”, but Dufus was unsure that it would work with his glasses. Having had an ABBAtastic cinema experience, they sped across country, to Dufus’ new home, where a check on the web revealed two new guests, Francesca Fowler from ‘Fires of Pompeii’ and Gerard Murphy from ‘Silver Nemesis’. This went some way to deal with the disappointment of recent weeks when Mr. Cribbins and Ms. Chung had had to cancel.

The rest of the evening was spent in Dufus sorting out covers to take with him, with the assistance of Shirt, who reminded him of the guest list and productions that they had appeared in, and in Shirt teaching Dufus how to use his new camera. Having fashioned a makeshift spare bed in the spare room out of sofa cushions, a pillow and blankets, the two turned in for the night to get an early start the next morning.

Day One (Saturday)

Leaving about on time, the two loaded up Dufus’ car and made their way to the ECN, but not without a detour to Dufus’ old house to pick up the piles of post that had not been redirected. A small jiffy bag was found to contain a complimentary copy of ‘The Zygon That Fell To Earth’ which had been sent to Dufus by Large Endings in an attempt to take on a subscription with them, now that his standing order with Seventh Galaxy had finished.

“I’ve already got this”, wailed Dufus who had bought it from an internet retailer, before noticing Shirt’s expectant look.

“Do you want it?”, he asked, with Shirt all but snatching it out of his hand.

Back on the road again, and they pulled into a small café just across from Dufus’ old firm, where both consumed a bacon roll, before making the final fifteen minute trip to the ECN.

Driving down the long driveway with regular roundabouts, the two were initially concerned about whether they would find the hotel, but then suddenly large signs for the hotel appeared. Entering the car-park, the ticket being given to Shirt for safe-keeping, they found a place to park, and strode off in the direction of the main hotel building.

Entering through revolving doors, they found tables in the reception area, giving out convention packs and passes. Having queued up, both had their passes, but the string to hang them round their necks had run out and so they were told to come back later for this. Taking two armchairs in reception, they looked at the contents of their packs which included two free autographs – a signed photo of Corey (Van Statten) Johnson and an index card signed by Katy (Mad as a box of frogs) Manning. String had miraculously been found, so Shirt went and got two lengths, and a minute later both had passes round their necks.

Following the signs, the two explored the corridor where events were taking place, finding both the panel room and the merchandise room within seconds. A cursory look at the merchandise and the two took their seats for the first panel of the day. Doug, the Event MC bounded onto stage via a pair of TARDIS doors and sped through housekeeping information before introducing the first guest, Kai Owen, Rhys from ‘Torchwood’. Kai it seemed had had a good night the previous night drinking heavily with attendees, and was surprised at the lack of enthusiasm for audience participation that early in the day, particularly as he himself seemed to still be a little inebriated. He spoke at length about being in ‘Torchwood’ and in particular the pleasures of kissing the lovely, Eve Myles. The next panel was Peter Davison, who seemed in fine form, speaking about both his classic stories and his appearance in New WHO in ‘Time Crash’. This completed, Shirt decided to pop back to the merchandise room, where he ummed and ahhed over buying the “Beneath The Surface” DVD boxset, deciding which DVDs he wanted signed.

“Shall I have signed copies of ‘Sea Devils’ and ‘Warriors’ or ‘Silurians’ and ‘Warriors’?”, he mused aloud.

Double Agent who was serving had obviously had enough, and picked up the two boxsets, swapping an unsigned ‘Silurians’ with the signed one.

“Now they’re all signed”, he told Shirt, who parted with his money almost immediately to save embarrassment.

Returning to the panel room, and pulling out the DVDs to show to Dufus, Shirt found that two of the DVDs had badly broken cases. He therefore returned to the merchandise room, where Double Agent begrudgingly swapped the cases over with unbroken ones.

Shirt also noted that the lovely Lisa Bowerman was signing at the Large Endings stall. Crossing over, he asked one of the stallholders, “What do I need to buy to meet Lisa ?”

“Nothing”, he was told.

The catch, however, proved to be that to get to Ms. Bowerman you had to fight past the hard-selling of Large Endings supremo, Jason Haigh-Ellery, who initially expressed disbelief that Shirt already had all the audios that were being promoted at special prices.

Ms. Bowerman was as lovely as ever, signing Shirt’s ‘Survival’ DVD cover, as well as several Benny audio covers.

Returning to Dufus again, he informed him of the situation with Lisa and the lack of a queue, and so gathering all his Lisa-related items, he also strode into the merchandise room, to find that a small queue had formed. He had left Shirt instructions to take a photo of Georgia Moffett coming out of the TARDIS if he was not back in time. Shirt singularly failed to do so, partly due to the number of people who crowded forward at the appropriate point and partly due to Ms. Moffett not pausing outside the doors on making her entrance.

A few minutes into her panel, Dufus returned. Ms. Moffett spoke enthusiastically about her time on the programme, but it became clear that she has never seen much of her father’s tenure as the Doctor, or her mother in ‘Hitchhikers Guide”. Neither the interviewer nor any of the audience questions raised her alleged current beau (and he played her father in the programme, it’s all too shocking !!), which seemed to be a great relief to Ms. Moffett, who also confirmed that she would definitely be up for a spin-off series as Jenny. On exiting, Georgia did take time to pose outside the TARDIS for photos, so Dufus got his shot.

As their pass numbers were now being indicated, Dufus and Shirt moved to the autograph hall for the first of the four signing sessions. They joined the longest queue, that for Terry Molloy, clutching their autograph sheets which entitled them to one free item (a reduction from previous events). Shirt managed to find a space on his ‘Revelation of the Daleks’ DVD cover for Terry to sign, whilst Dufus got him on two covers (thus starting a tradition of buying at least extra item per guest). Next up was Yamit Mamo, who played the singer on the Titanic in ‘Voyage of the Damned’. Shirt got her on his ‘Series 3’ soundtrack (on which she sings two songs), with Dufus also getting her on his ‘VOTD’ DVD cover, and bought her latest CD, which she also signed.

Moving into the next queue, the two were soon meeting Amy Manson and Heather Craney, both members of Victorian Torchwood, who encounter Captain Jack in the final two episodes of Series 2. Shirt was initially unsure whether it really was them, comparing the two women in front of him with the photos provided. Shirt was initially tempted by the idea of a photo signed by both them (until he realised that would be £20), instead getting them both on his ‘Torchwood’ poster. Dufus followed on, buying a photo and getting another personal item for each signed, completely flummoxing the steward sitting next to them with his confusing explanation of how many items he wanted. Shirt avoiding trouble, had side-stepped over to a short queue for Matt Ryan, who appeared in ‘Meat’, still clutching his ‘Torchwood’ poster. Luckily, Shirt reached the front of the queue before he actually dropped the poster, getting Matt’s signature on it also. Dufus was next, getting his Series 2 boxset signed as well. There was one final queue, for Matt Irvine, K9 operator, but as he was a sponsored guest, being £10 per signature, neither decided to join the queue. Mr. Irvine seemed to be becoming quite irate, as person after person reached the front of his queue, expressing surprise that they did not get a free item.

Returning to the panel room, Terry Molloy was currently on stage, expressing some disappointment in being contacted by the New WHO production team to be told that Davros was coming back but that they were ‘going in a different direction’. He had been out of the country at the time of the transmission of the finale and so had not seen Julian Bleach’s interpretation. The Event MC mistook this as a request to show a clip, which he did, seemingly to Mr. Molloy’s annoyance as he saw a very similar portrayal of the evil genius to his own. The panel coming to an end it was announced that food would be for sale in a side-room at a cheaper price than the bar. Therefore with a detour for Dufus to buy some more batteries for his digital camera in the hotel’s little shop (‘Oh I do like a little shop!’), the two moved to the canteen, which was serving a variety of dishes including jacket potatoes, burgers, hot-dogs and baguettes. Having purchased lunch with a minimum of problems, they sat down at a nearby table to consume the mass-produced fare.

Having completed their lunch, they found that a queue had formed outside the autograph room. Having checked that those in the queue weren’t all numbers 1-100, Dufus and Shirt joined the back. At 2.10pm, the doors were opened and it was stated that only those with the first one-hundred pass numbers could go in. About five minutes later, they dropped all pretence and let the whole queue in, ensuring that people were appropriately dispersed across the smaller queues inside. Dufus and Shirt managed to join the queue for Georgia Moffett, and ten minutes later they were at the front. Shirt’s idea that Dufus take a photo of him meeting Georgia was scuppered by the fact that he had to turn to the steward to pay for another autograph on a provided photo at the vital point. Georgia happily signed Shirt’s Series 4 poster at the top, as well as the photo. Dufus was next, as usual buying several extra items.

Next they joined the queue for Sheridan Smith, who was due to arrive any second. In fact, within a minute of so, Ms. Smith did arrive and sit down at the signing table. However, she was not alone, walking with her to the table and then standing a short distance away, chatting to Jason Haigh-Ellery (who was probably trying to sign him up for an upcoming audio) was a familiar figure.

“Is that that bloke from that BBC3 comedy ?”, asked Dufus going through a variety of pairings of names before finally alighting on “Gavin and Stacey”.

“Yes, that’s James Corden”, said Shirt, who quite likes G&S, but loves ‘Cruise of the Gods’ in which James also appears. “He’s her boyfriend !”

Dufus used this fact to briefly hope that Ms. Smith might be interested in himself should her relationship with Mr. Corden not work out. Shirt’s response was a snort of derision.

They finally reached the front of the queue, and this time, Dufus managed to get a photo where both Shirt and the guest (ie. Sheridan) were looking the same way. Ms. Smith was as charming as ever, signing a cover and a photo as an extra for Shirt, and several covers and photos (including the one that he already got at Invasion VIII ) for Dufus.

Moving over to the other side of the hall, they joined a queue for Peter Davison. In front of them was a girl dressed as Ace, with whom they started a conversation. Ace it seemed had gone to very few events, and was shocked by how many people the friends had met, particularly that Shirt had met David Tennant (even if only for ten seconds). Reaching Peter, Shirt could tell that he was beginning to get a little annoyed, and so got his DVD cover signed with a minimum of discussion. As Dufus was getting his items signed, Peter turned to the steward next to him and asked how many more people would there be, as he hadn’t had any form of break. Dufus moved off quickly before the steward could respond, joining Shirt in the queue for Kai Owen. Having met him at the Punch Middle a few weeks before, Shirt got Kai on his Series 2 ‘Torchwood’ boxset. Dufus, however, got him on both boxsets and his poster.

Returning to the panel room via the merchandise room, where they bought copies of the American New WHO comic books for bargain prices due to them not being labelled with a price and the stall being staffed by someone who didn’t know what the prices were, they arrived halfway through a Large Endings panel with Lisa Bowerman, David Darlington and David Richardson. Ms. Bowerman it seemed is now even more involved as a part of the core team at Large Endings, directing and casting, as well as acting. Sheridan’s panel having been cancelled due to her still signing away, the final panel of the day was father-daughter team Peter & Georgia, who made an entertaining pair and are obviously both proud of the other’s achievements. The panels having come to an end, the two returned to Dufus’ car.

They initially walked round and round the car park looking for a payment station, before realising that it was located outside the hotel entrance. Retracing their steps and finding to their annoyance that they had just slipped into the 8-24 hours charging zone, they paid, returned to Dufus’ car and drove out up the long driveway back onto the main road.

“It should be left”, said Shirt, not entirely convincingly.

However, a minute or so’s drive found them at the entrance to the Premier Inn where they were staying. Finding a space in the car park, they went and checked in, Shirt being very pleased when the door to their room opened to reveal twin beds (see D&S…Carrion-(all)-nite!! ). Grabbing the rest of their belongings from the car, they both had a short rest to prepare themselves for the evening’s delights.

Having had a meal in the hotel’s restaurant, and having ascertained that there was no short-cut across the fields to the convention hotel, they rang for a taxi. It seemed that this came very swiftly, but it turned out to be a taxi-driver who desperately needed to use the hotel’s facilities. A second taxi having arrived, and having told the incredulous driver that they only wanted to go about a mile, they pulled away and less than five minutes later were pulling in in front of the convention hotel.

Moving into the panel room, which now had tables laid out for the cabaret, they bought a drink from the bar. However, due to very high prices (£4 for a Coke !!!!), they made one drink last. A man came and sat down at their table.

“Isn’t that Gerard Murphy”, asked Dufus.

“Yes”, hissed Shirt.

The cabaret began, with a very inebriated Kai Owen compering. Having learnt nothing from that morning, he attempted to get audience participation with Welsh rugby songs. However, eventually he introduced Yamit Mamo, who sang a number of songs, including her version of “Put The Devil In Me” from ‘Daleks in Manhattan’. Following the applause, she announced that she would do an encore. There was an expectant silence, and then she announced another of her own songs. There was an audible sigh of disappointment around the room. Yamit realised what the problem was.

“My accompanist doesn’t have the music for ‘Stowaway’ “, she stammered, before agreeing to sing it anyway as long as everyone else joined in to help her.

Led by Yamit, a Karaoke version of “The Stowaway” was unleashed, with some people clearly only having a limited grasp of what the words were.

Having escaped with her life, Yamit left the stage, for a few more minutes of Kai’s audience participation, before Charlie Ross bounded onto the stage to unleash his newest WHO-related jokes, as well as his ‘Sound of Music’ swearing clip.

The cabaret completed, and the auction began. Shirt had been amused earlier in the day to see that some lots comprised ‘singed photos’, causing him to quip, “Obviously from the Longleat exhibition”.

A few bottles of actual ‘Bubbleshock’ from the Sarah Jane Adventures sold, and the auctioneer brought out the first of a number of large boards used at events run by Seventh Galaxy’s partner, which had large photos of guests on them. Shirt was surprised at how much money they were going for. Then a board advertising Noel Clarke was displayed, and to Shirt’s horror, Dufus started bidding on it. As the price went up and up, Shirt believed that Dufus would stop bidding, but no. Eventually only Dufus and a very drunk Kai Owen were left, and due to Kai not being serious, Dufus had won the gigantic board.

“We’ll never get that back to the Premier Inn”, moaned Shirt, before making cursory bids for boards showing Sarah Sutton and Matthew Waterhouse.

All items sold, and the disco began. Moving to a row of seats at the back of the hall, stowing the cardboard visage of Mr. Clarke behind them, as they watched about six people dancing. Kai it seemed was too drunk to even get to the dancefloor.

Eventually, they decided to make a move back to their hotel, and having persuaded the concierge to phone them a taxi waited outside with their large cardboard Mickey photo. When the taxi came, Dufus somehow managed to cram himself and the board into the back seat without causing damage to the board or the taxi. Five minutes later and Dufus was staggering out of the taxi with his new cardboard friend.

Propping the board up, Dufus decided to text Chalky and tell him about his purchase. Shirt was still annoyed.

“I can’t sleep with him looking at me”, he whined, before throwing a towel over the board and standing his suitcase in front of it.

Tired out, the two retired to their beds, ready for another day of WHO-related fun.

Go to Day Two

[PL]