Shirt...

...Is Almost Sher-locked Out

Shirt had a busy day planned – in the morning he was going to the ‘Entertainment and Media Show’ at Olympia, and that evening, he was attending the ‘Cheltenham Literature Festival’ to see Benedict Cumberbatch interviewed by the lovely Louise Brealey.

Therefore, Shirt found himself making an early start for Olympia, arriving half-an-hour before the doors opened. Joining the pre-booked queue, Shirt impatiently waited for the off. Finally, at 9am, the shutters went up, and the queue surged in. Handing over his ticket, Shirt swiftly made his way into the Main Hall, and strode off towards the signing area. Five minutes later, he was getting a ‘Virtual Queuing’ ticket for the main guest that he wanted – Christopher Heyerdahl, who appears in ‘Sanctuary’ as both Bigfoot and John Druitt (the true identity of ‘Jack the Ripper’). Having number 21, Shirt knew that he wouldn’t have long to wait, and returning after a ten minute scout around the Hall, Shirt found that Christopher had sat down and was beginning signing 1-30. Joining a short queue, and selecting a publicity photo of Mr. Heyerdahl as Druitt, Shirt paid for one autograph, before stepping up to meet the great man.

“Can you sign it to Shirt ?”, he asked.

Christopher obliged, taking time to make the ‘To Shirt’ look as gothic as possible.

Shaking the Ripper’s hand, Shirt moved off with his photo, surprised at the lack of queue for Christopher given his involvement in franchises including ‘Twilight’, ‘Supernatural’, ‘Stargate’, ‘Smallville’, ‘True Blood’ and ‘Sanctuary’.

Moving to the ‘Red Dwarf’ signing area, there was a rumpus as it was just being revealed that Danny John Jules would not be attending, scuppering all those who wanted the photo-shoot with all four ‘boys from the Dwarf’. However, taking advantage that everyone else was queuing for the three regulars, Shirt managed to swoop in and get Clayton Mark, Elvis impersonator who appeared in ‘Meltdown’ as the Elvis droid and sang the closing theme of the episode, on his ‘Series 4’ DVD cover.

Shirt had now got all the autographs that he wanted – Aidan Turner (Mitchell in ‘Being Human’) had cancelled, he didn’t have a ‘Series 7’ poster for Steven Berkoff to sign, and he had decided to forego Matt Smith at £35 per autograph. He was also disappointed that a promised photoshoot with Ludo from ‘Labyrinth’ had been cancelled due to damage being caused to him whilst loading him on a truck. He therefore perused the stalls, purchasing a Peg-Soldier Doll action figure, some ‘Monster Invasion’ cards and a disc of MP3s of ‘Sexton Blake’ (the other Baker Street detective).

It was only 11am, and Shirt’s train wasn’t until 4.15pm, and was only around half-an-hour away by bus. He therefore made his way very slowly, via Naughty Asteroid and many second-hand bookshops, finally arriving at London Paddington just under an hour early. Wasting more time by listening to a Clive Merrison ‘Holmes’ episode on his MP3-player, Shirt finally boarded his train, which set off on time. Shirt spent his time listening to the first part of Large Endings’ “The Reification of Hans Gerber” , starring Nicholas Briggs as Holmes (Shirt having seen him play the part in the flesh a few days before).

The train arrived in Cheltenham on time at 6.20pm, and Shirt took the opportunity to get some food from a local supermarket, and wander around the local area to waste more time. Returning to the station, Shirt waited patiently for a bus to Cheltenham Racecourse where the event was taking place. As the bus got closer to the venue, more and more people who were clearly going to the same event got on the bus, most of them young girls squeeing about Mr. Cumberbatch. Finally the bus arrived at the racecourse car park, and the group all got off and strode off for the building indicated by one of their fellow passengers. Somehow Shirt found himself in the lead, despite having no strong idea where he was going. However, they made it to the Centaur conference centre, at which point the group scattered.

Attempting to get into the venue, Shirt found his way blocked by a throng that had just left a talk by J.K. Rowling. He therefore moved to a quiet spot, and telephoned the Journeycabin that he was staying at that night, mentioning that he might be late, muttering his name, and asking for a taxi number. The way was still blocked, and there was 45 minutes to the start of the talk, so Shirt decided to sit on a wall. With half-an-hour left, the stairs up to the venue’s upper level, which included access to Shirt’s seat, were jammed with people queuing to get their copies of “The Casual Vacancy” signed by J.K. He did however speak to a member of Earthshocks staff who were running the signing with Benedict after the interview, who confirmed that they had run out of ‘Sherlock’ tie-in books and copies of “Parade’s End”, and that Benedict would now “sign anything”. With 15 minutes left, Shirt managed to push his way up the stairs and loitered by the doors, which were opened five minutes later.

Finding his seat, Shirt watched as the auditorium filled up with over 2,000 people. There was an expectant atmosphere from Benedict’s many female fans (Shirt could not bring himself to use the adopted term used by such admirers), and even the entrance on stage of the editor of ‘Radio Times’ (who were sponsoring the event) was greeted with squeals. Having plugged his magazine, and revealed that Louise’s next stage role was a bit saucy, he introduced the main event – the shrieks for Louise (mainly from Shirt, see S...Is Molly-Cuddled), increasing to deafening levels when Benedict was introduced.

The session started with the two feigning shock that Sherlock Holmes experts, Steven Moffatt and Mark Gatiss, would not be joining them for ‘Sherlock – A Modern Victorian’, with Benedict making as if to leave. Louise then confided that although in her job as a journalist, she has interviewed many people, she had never done so with an audience, let alone over 2,000 people. She then revealed various anxiety dreams about the interview, including one in which she wet herself and blamed it on Benedict, and one in which she was being chased topless down a country lane by a dragon (Smaug?) with Martin Freeman, and jumping in a computer-game-style. As the interview progressed, it became clear that Louise may have a similar crush on Benedict as that of Molly on Sherlock. Benedict appeared to be sworn to secrecy on much of his upcoming work, so was unable to comment on ‘Sherlock – Series 3’, ‘Star Trek: Into Darkness’ or ‘The Hobbit’. However, he did confirm that he had undertaken motion-capture for both Smaug the dragon and the Necromancer, as well as voicing them.

Benedict, however, spoke at length about his original audition for ‘Sherlock’, held in Beryl Vertue’s flat, where she served tea and biscuits in a Mrs. Hudson-like manner. He also spoke of how as soon as he read with Martin, he knew that they had found their John Watson.
Louise then asked, “Is there any hope for Molly ?”.
“There’s always hope for Molly”, reassured Benedict, pausing for the perfect length of time before adding, “that’s the tragedy !”
Benedict also took the opportunity to clarify comments on CBS’s ‘Elementary’, starring his friend Jonny Lee Miller, and made it clear that he wants him to have “nothing less than a rip-roaring success”, and that he (Benedict) is “unable to claim any ownership over the character when 70 previous actors have played Holmes”. He also revealed that he was to do a sponsored cycle-ride the next week for the Prince’s Trust. About two-thirds of the way through, attendees started getting up and walking briskly out of the hall, to be towards the front of the queue for autographs. Not realising this was what was happening, the two seemed slightly put out by this. Towards the end, both noticed that they were on a large screen above their heads, with Louise being shocked, and Benedict simply mugging to the camera. The hour-and-a-quarter having elapsed, and Louise only having left time for a few audience questions, they left the stage, and everyone rushed from the auditorium to join the autograph queue.

As Shirt walked out, the queue, which had been up the staircase, was being ushered up to the top level. Seeing a large gap, Shirt managed to insert himself into the queue, without anyone seemingly noticing. The queue which led to a hall at the end of a corridor was long, and Shirt settled in for the long haul, concerned that they had stated that Benedict would be signing for only an hour. After a half-hour break, the queue started moving, at a slow pace. After about fifteen minutes, stewards came down the queue, reiterating that it was one item per person, and no photographs with Benedict. The queue seemed to move much quicker after this, and after a further half-hour, he was a short distance from the door to the hall, and was inwardly cheering as he could actual see the great man through the open door.

However, on actual reaching the door five minutes later, and having put some money in the collection bucket for Benedict’s cycle-ride, Shirt was dismayed to see that the queue continued down the wall to the left of the door, before snaking around several times at the bottom of the hall, before making its way back up to Benedict. Rather than being ‘nearly there’ as he had thought, he was still only halfway to his goal. Shirt spent his time chatting to the female fans surrounding him, in whom excitement at the possibility of meeting ‘Ben’ was slowly growing. The fan behind Shirt had a model skull (like the one on the 221b mantelpiece) which she was intending to get him to sign. Shirt also took the opportunity to get another cab number from one of the others. The queue continued to move at a quick rate, continuing well over the stated one-hour, Benedict adamant that everyone would get a signature.

Finally after 90 minutes, Shirt was at the front of the queue, and handing over his copy of ‘A Study in Scarlet’ (‘Sherlock’ tie-in edition) to a steward, who then handed it to Mr. Cumberbatch.

“Sorry you’ve had to wait so long”, apologised Benedict.

Shirt muttered something about it not being a problem, and “thank you for continuing signing”, before he was encouraged to pick up his book and move a short distance away, where he managed to take a photo of Benedict signing the skull.

Making a short detour to put additional money in Benedict’s charity bucket in recompense for the great man’s concern for his fans, Shirt made his way out into the fresh air, where his phone immediately rang. It seemed that he had a voicemail message but in all the hubbub in the hall, he had not heard his phone ringing multiple times. It seemed that the Journeycabin had been onto Shirt’s home address fifteen minutes before to check if he was still coming (the time being almost midnight now) as they may need to move him to another hotel. Phoning the Journeycabin immediately, it seemed that they had kept his room, and Shirt promised to be there as soon as he could get a cab.

The cab number provided by the Journeycabin had a message saying that all its drivers were busy, so Shirt phoned the other number, and was told that a taxi would be there in twenty minutes. Shirt then approached two young ladies who seemed to be finding it difficult to get a taxi to the same Journeycabin. He offered to share his cab with them (the lateness of the hour meaning that he did not consider the inappropriateness of his offer), but luckily they had just managed to get one themselves. Using the same cab number as several other attendees meant that twenty minutes later, Shirt found himself approaching taxi after taxi from the right firm asking “Are you for Sea-Slug ?”. Having received his fifth ‘No’, Shirt received a text giving the registration number of his cab, the last one to say ‘No’. It then turned out that the driver had been given the name ‘Shirt’ rather than ‘Sea-Slug’. Climbing in, and following a brief stop whilst Shirt located his mobile phone again, being concerned that he had left it outside the Centaur, the taxi sped through Cheltenham to the Journeycabin. Getting his room key, and apologising for any confusion, Shirt intended to watch a small amount of television before going to sleep. However, the TV proved not to be working, despite the best efforts of the night-time receptionist. Shirt finally fell asleep, still on a high from his day’s adventures.

The next morning, he called for a cab to the station, again arriving far too early for his train. When the train arrived, it initially made good time, then stopped in the middle of nowhere due to track problems. Arriving at Swindon fifteen minutes late, Shirt had missed his connection to London. Finally squeezing onto another train forty-five minutes later, Shirt sat back and mused on the previous day’s events, a large smile across his face. It had been a long day, but a rewarding one !!

[PL]

For an alternative fuller write-up of ‘Sherlock – A Modern Victorian’, see www.sherlockology.com/news/2012/10/7/cheltenham-festival-07102012