Chalky, Dufus, Shirt and Tigger…

…Return to the Village

Guest starring: Maple

Dufus had hit 40…

Stationary vehicles.

Oh, and he was 40 years old this year too.

Due to circumstances beyond his control, Dufus was forced to ‘come down’ for his birthday celebrations and so it was arranged for him to stay at Shirt’s for the duration of the weekend as the gang had something a little special planned. Before this, however, Chalky, Shirt and Tigger had to accompany Dufus to an “all-you-can-eat” Chinese restaurant (which Dufus and Shirt both took as a challenge not an offer) along with his ‘non-fan’ friend Tilly.

Arriving at said restaurant, the gang found it to be an ‘all you can eat’ buffet-style experience. Chalky was happy because he could take portions he could manage and have all his favourite stuff. Tigger was happy because she ate anything that stayed still on her plate for longer than 20 seconds and Dufus and Shirt were happy because they could stuff their faces like oriental wittles were going out of fashion.

To the strains of Kirsty Gallacher, Vernon Kay and Nell McAndrew (courtesy of a large, imposing widescreen TV at the back of the restaurant) intermingling with the melodies of ‘Pan Pipes Play the Pop Classics’, the gang polished off spring rolls, prawn crackers, chicken satay, noodles, rice and crispy duck galore.

Presents of UFO, Sherlock Holmes and Cruise of the Gods on DVD and mouldings of D, U, F, U, & S were presented and the gang were invited back to Chalky’s pad to present Tigger’s present of a spectacular Dalek cake.

Dufus and Shirt then transported Tilly home, with Shirt precariously balancing the cake upon his lap (just as Tigger had in the car over) and Chalky and Tigger wended their way to Tigger’s abode.

Plans had been made to meet the following morning at 10.30am at Shirt’s house for a mystery tour arranged by Chalky and Tigger. Dufus was still in the dark about the surprise planned and seemed a little nervous. Chalky and Tigger had left home just before 10 to collect Maple – a non-fan friend who seemed to have caught the bug which once afflicted DesRes, much-missed female pal of the group. Maple wanted to come on the surprise trip with the gang, in the full knowledge that being neither a Doctor Who fan, nor even British, the trip would hold no significance to her whatsoever. To Shirt’s delight, Maple was also a teacher.

“Hurrah”, said Shirt, “More school related anecdotes !”.

However, Maple’s presence meant Tigger would have another person to talk to whose only conversation would revolve around where they were in their Time Team.

What Dufus did not know was that the gang were taking him to Aldbourne – legendary location of clasic Jon Pertwee story "The Daemons" and mecca of Doctor Who fandom. The pilgrimage had been performed by Chalky and Shirt the previous year with the Local Group (see CDS...Twelve Go To Aldbourne) and they thought it a fitting birthday present for Dufus’ 40^th anniversary celebrations, only a year after their favourite series’ anniversary. Added to this, they decided to also visit the nearby East Hagbourne, location for “The Android Invasion” as they hadn’t managed to get there on the previous visit.

After recording a quick video introduction, Shirt piled his newly acquired video camera and digital camera into the car and squeezed into the back next to Tigger and Maple. Dufus sat in the front and wondered where his friends were taking him.

Bit by bit, Dufus ruled out various destinations…

“Not Stoneleigh then,” he mused…

“Oooh, the A3…”

“The M4! Are we going to Cardiff to watch the filming of the new series!”

After a quick stop at the Reading Services, the journey continued.

“CLOSE YOUR EYES!” chorused Chalky, Tigger and Shirt, as they drove past a sign to Aldbourne.

“CLOSE YOUR EYES!” they chorused again. Sign after sign was passed until they finally reached Aldbourne and Dufus was allowed to guess where they were.

“Aldabourne ? Aldubourne?....”, spluttered Dufus, finally alighting on the correct answer of Aldbourne.

The gang walked up the small track to the village green, the pub and the church (which still hadn’t been blown up), Dufus marvelling at how it was all just the same, comparing it to the photos in the book that the others had prepared for him. Shirt was filming this moment, and was so caught up in this, that he failed to notice a small stone jutting up, which he tripped over. By the time he had pulled himself together, the others were standing by the war memorial. A quick photo of the gang taken using the timer of Shirt’s camera, and they all made their way up to the church. The gang walked up the small track to the village green, the pub and the church (which still hadn’t been blown up), Dufus marvelling at how it was all just the same, comparing it to the photos in the book that the others had prepared for him. Shirt was filming this moment, and was so caught up in this, that he failed to notice a small stone jutting up, which he tripped over. By the time he had pulled himself together, the others were standing by the war memorial. A quick photo of the gang taken using the timer of Shirt’s camera, and they all made their way up to the church.

After peeking around the church, Chalky mooting the idea of marrying in the ‘actual church from Doctor Who’ to his beloved Tigger, and Dufus having put a similarly “sad fan” comment in the visitors book, they moved into the churchyard. It was then decided to re-enact some scenes from the story ‘on location’. Cue a grand run from the church. This was followed by Chalky as Bok, Dufus and the Brigadier and Shirt as Jenkins, recreating the infamous ‘five rounds rapid’ scene. With Chalky then pretending to be Jo and being attacked by ivy, Shirt prepared himself to be a lolloping aide to the Master, only to find out that the battery on his video camera was dead as a doorknocker.

Shirt began to fart around with the video recorder in an attempt to ring some juice out of the battery but to no avail.

After a bit more faffing about with cameras and special information books, Chalky suggested they get into the Blue Boar pub (known as The Cloven Hoof by all Who aficionados) for some lunch in case they stopped serving at some ridiculous ‘country’ time. Shirt sat at a table outside and then decided to wander in with the others to order his food with the words, “No one will nick the table”.

Someone nicked the table.

With plenty of time to spare, the gang ordered roast dinners and puddings and waited for their food…

And waited…

Eventually, Dufus politely asked where the food was to be met with an apology, but sheltering customers had overloaded the two women working in the kitchens. From that point on the gang were eyed with suspicion and contempt, clearly identified as impatient townies. However, with much apologising, the food finally arrived and very good it was too. Dufus seemed to be continuing to enjoy his day, even if the original prop sign was no longer in the bar area.

Unwisely, following lunch, an expedition was mounted to the barrows where the story’s excavations had taken place. Chalky and Shirt remembered it being a deceptively long way away and were not misremembering. After a gentle stroll up the hill, through the woods, Tigger strode away as the gang reached open fields and countryside. Shirt and Chalky walked at a more leisurely pace, whilst Dufus and Maple lagged some way behind. Nearing the hump, Chalky and Shirt saw Tigger practically by the gate entrance. Turning back to check on the progress of Dufus and Maple, they were horrified to discover that Dufus had apparently eaten Maple as she was nowhere to be seen. Thankfully, however, she emerged from his enormous shadow and the friends all eventually reached the fabled Devil’s Hump.

Eventually all five were sitting atop the barrow that they believed to be the one from the story, taking a well-earned break. However, with a further destination planned, there was no time for sitting around, and so they slowly returned to the village green, and Chalky’s car (Dufus having to make a slight detour behind some hedges to relieve himself on the way).

Tootling along in the car, with Tigger navigating, the gang finally found East Hagbourne. As with Aldbourne, the locations were instantly recognisable, with Chalky, Dufus and Shirt taking it in turns to pretend to be tied to the large cross at one end of the village, a la Tom Baker captured by Styggron, whilst Tigger discovered a scarily life-like child-sized doll in a nearby tree. The “Fleur De Lys” pub was shut, but they took photos of the outside. Tigger and Maple simply looked on pityingly.

The post office – used in the story as an exterior of a General Store where the Doctor meets the fake Sarah Jane – was proving most elusive. All the gang members went off on little excursions to find it, wandering up alleys and around streets to no avail. It was Tigger who found the post office just around the bend in the road further on from the pub (about 30 seconds walk from where they had parked the car in the first place!). A plethora of photographs were taken.

With all the locations of East Hagbourne found, and the sun setting over the horizon, the gang decided it was time to head home. Piling back into the car they zoomed off down A roads and motorways to wend their way home. The boys were happy as sandbags, Tigger wondered what she was marrying into and Maple wondered why the English are so strange. Dufus declared it had been “the best birthday ever”.

The beginnings of Shirt’s directorial debut had been filmed and the rest of the gang wondered in fear and dread what would be inflicted upon them in the future.

Epilogue

Chalky, Dufus and Tigger gathered at Shirt’s house to film excerpts for his upcoming video extravaganza. Performing a sketch and mini-interviews, Chalky became Stuart Maconie, Tigger, Germaine Greer and Dufus, Mark Lawson (separated at birth, those two). With hard-hitting journalistic skills, Shirt questioned Chalky and Dufus about their time in the gang and failed miserably to get Tigger back in front of the video camera. Again fear and dread filled the gang as Shirt went all Cecil B. DeMille!

The video is awaited with baited breath… Watch this space!

[AE/PL]