Summer time, and the living was easy

Fish were jumping, and the Who fans were mad…

It was August, and the annual Longleat Doctor Who day approached.

Chalky was a little bit miserable, but also quite happy - what a fickle fellow. He was on holiday in Austria at the end of July/beginning of August and therefore was going to miss the Longleat extravanganza.

Whilst on holiday, however, Chalky discovered that they were actually coming back a day earlier than he had thought (the day before the Longleat day, in fact) and consequently would actually be able to make it. Yippee!

(Which is not what Dufus and Shirt had said on receiving a surprise phone call on Saturday afternoon (having hoped for some 'quality' time with DesRes - pheeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww!!!!!!!))

And so they all piled into Dufus's car with a plethora of tapes (including Chalky's choice selection of Summer Sizzlers (Volumes 1&2) mixed by his own fair DJ hands).

A brief stop-off at a service station and 'granary style cafeteria' saw Dufus doing a little dance (or 'wobble' as it is termed in medical journals) with the excitement of losing a quid on the Who Wants to be a Millionaire arcade game.

Arriving early - as usual - the intrepid quartet wended their way around the Longleat grounds working out where best to go first. DesRes was overawed by it all, being as she was, new to this sort of thing.

It was quickly agreed that queuing for Mr. Tom Baker would be the best bet, seeing as the last time he was there, items were limited and the queue very long.

Time passed and people waited.

Eventually Mr. Baker arrived with his familiar entourage of Gary Downie. Into the Orangery they disappeared and, soon, the valiant friends were meeting the star himself.

Dufus wandered past Mr. Downie.

"You don't want me to sign that do you?" he asked when Dufus floundered near him.

"Oh, I wouldn't mind having you!" he replied, innocently.

Chalky (who must have a dirty mind) sniggered quietly to himself, ready to explain to Dufus later, what a prat he had just made of himself.

Dufus and Shirt passed Mr. Baker with little fuss (thank goodness - people were worried Dufus would end up dating him), but with Chalky, Mr. Baker decided to strike up a conversation:

'How old are you, then?" he asked.

"24," replied Chalky.

"Oh!" gasped a startled Tom, "I would have said 15."

"I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered," said Chalky, laughing nervously.

"Be flattered!" cried Mr. Baker, "You'll be glad of looking young when you're my age!"

DesRes followed and chortled heartily with Mr. Baker, nervous and excited to meet such a legend as he.

The quartet moved on and tried to decide what to do next. They quickly decided to join the queue for Mr. Nick Courtney and Miss Deborah Watling, who were sitting under an apple tree with nobody else but a hundred fans.

DesRes wasn't so interested in these, despite Miss Watling's bizarre new hair colour and gold lamé jacket.

The trio of lads queued up whilst DesRes sat beneath a tree, and one by one they joined her after meeting the lovely stars.

The day moved on. They toured the exhibition (which hadn't changed since the previous year); pretended to be Daleks; cried at the sight of a burnt Cleaner; cowered from Ancient Ones and Cybermen alike; tried to take photos of the exhibits (which due to the darkness and glass-fronted cabinets never actually came out) and generally made good use of their £1 entrance fee.

Never ones to pass up an opportunity of video immortality (witness the gang's appearances on Where on Earth is Katy Manning & Mythmakers: Doctor Who Magazine) Dufus had made contact with some bloke and his camcorder who wanted to record our witty 'Oscar-Wilde style' observations for his website.

However, on meeting the (awfully young) interviewer and his (even younger) assistant, Chalky realised their fatal mistake. The mysterious website builder was none other than a notorious newsgroup frequenter who had been making the blood of sane fans (oxymoronic, that phrase, surely?) boil.

With a brief 'my favourite Doctor is…' and 'my favourite story is…' recorded for posterity on videotape, the trio of friends (DesRes sensibly being elsewhere at the time) made a dash for it.

Needless to say, their words of wisdom never made it to the web. Ah well, the world's loss, eh?

The day slipped past and soon it was time for the auction. In a much-too-hot nightclub, JNT wowed the audience with his auctioneering skills and soon things were selling like hot cakes - very expensive hot cakes. Chalky, Dufus and Shirt decided to leave and come back to see how things were getting on later.

The end of the day arrived - and nothing had been bought by them in the auction - and it was time for the traditional (and seemingly pointless) cake-cutting ceremony to close the days proceedings.

Waiting for the special guests, the amassing crowd were entertained by Hieronymous, leader of the Cult of Demnos and plaything of the Mandragora Helix.

The crowd were horrified when it seemed that JNT had become a servant of this awesome demonic power (although some claim he'd been a part of the cult since taking the producership, and the decline of Doctor Who in the 80s was all part of the Mandragora's evil plan to conquer Earth in the 20th century - just as the Doctor had predicted).

Eventually the stars arrived and after a speech from Tom, the guests cut the cake and left it for the masses to descend upon.

A mad rush resulted as obsessive fans attempted to grab a piece of cake touched by Tom.

And then it was time to go home.

But not until Chalky, Dufus and Shirt had dragged DesRes around the longest maze in the world - as was tradition on these jaunts.

Reaching the middle in record time (once Chalky had remembered the fact that you actually have to follow the exit signs to get past the initial stage of the maze) the quartet toasted their success.

Getting out took a bit longer mind you.

And then it was home time.

Money had been spent (although not much, it had to be said), stars had been met, cakes had been cut - oh, and they'd met Steve Cambden round the back of the merchandise tent (!).

Trusting to a lack of foot and mouth disease, the friends hoped to return the following year.