It was an August morning.

Dawn had risen.

Chalky had asked her to get him a cup of tea.

Chalky pulled himself out of bed and made for the bathroom. He looked at the bedraggled visage in the mirror and pushed Dawn out of the way.

(Shirt : Who is this Dawn?

Chalky : I made her up for a cheap gag.)

At 6.45 (ish) Chalky left the house laden with video and CD covers for signing, a packed lunch, two umbrellas, a portable stereo, a bag of funky cassettes and his coat (in case the weather turned nasty).

He drove over to Shirt's house and then the pair travelled to Kingston to pick up Enigma.

With no sign of her outside on the pavement, Shirt rang Enigma to tell her the taxi was waiting outside. A few minutes later, an exceptionally shattered looking Enigma staggered out of her front door and into the back seat of the car.

"I didn't finish work till midnight," she complained. "And I didn't get any sleep either. My flatmate brought some friends round."

Chalky and Shirt looked at each other as if to say - 'Hmm, a likely story…'.

After finding the stereo, Enigma asked if she could put on Chalky's Quantum Leap collection and the gang began to wend their way to Tolworth where they were to meet the rest of the gang, Dufus, DesRes and Lupine.

Looking at the clock, Chalky decided to tempt fate.

"Dufus should be picking up Lupine from the station about now."

Fate decided to take up the challenge.

A few seconds later there was a call on Chalky's mobile. It was Dufus. Shirt took the call (bearing in mind Chalky was currently driving).

"Dufus says that Lupine is delayed and won't get to Sutton until a quarter to eight."

Chalky made a quick decision.

"We'll come over and meet them," he said. Shirt passed on the message.

Enigma, meanwhile, was grappling with the fact that the stereo was not rewinding the cassette.

"It might need new batteries," said Chalky. "Shirt got them out of my bag."

"I'll need 8," said Enigma.

"Yes. That's right. There are 8 there."

"No, there's only four."

"Shirt, you asked me if it would need all four and I said yes."

"But I thought you meant four batteries," pleaded Shirt.

"What, and the fact that there were four PACKETS, didn't tip you off?"

"Um..no."

Anyway, needless to say, the battery situation was soon solved and by this time, both cars containing Chalky, Dufus, Shirt, Enigma and DesRes were parked opposite Sutton station awaiting Lupine's arrival.

At about ten to eight there was still no sign of Lupine, so Chalky called him on his mobile.

"Where are you?" he enquired.

"Waddon. But I don't think this train is going as far as Sutton. It looks like it stops at Carshalton Beeches."

This, unfortunately, matched with information Shirt had gleaned from popping into the station and finding a notice saying there were no trains through Sutton to Epsom.

"Ah," said Chalky.

Meanwhile, DesRes and Enigma were getting acquainted, DesRes was commenting on Enigma's vaguely rock chick look, and the new friends were generally getting on like a house on fire.

Chalky's mobile rang. It was Lupine.

"The train has stopped at Carshalton Beeches."

"Never mind," said Chalky, "We'll meet you there."

With Dufus leading, the wagon train headed off to Carshalton Beeches and eventually Lupine joined the happy throng and the gang was finally on its way to Longleat. Or so they thought.

As Chalky headed off to the A3 with Dufus in tow, he suddenly noticed that Dufus was overtaking him and heading off in the other direction.

"Eh?" said Chalky. "What's happening?" He quickly started following Dufus, wondering whether he knew a quicker way of getting to the A3. Shirt was suspicious, however.

"He's not going back to his place, is he?" asked Shirt.

"No. Surely not."

Dufus turned down another road which led them closer to Dufus and DesRes's place of residence.

"If he stops at his house, I'll scream!" cried Chalky.

Dufus stopped at his house.

He disappeared inside and reappeared a couple of seconds later with a large bottle of water (and no apologies).

And so, the gang started off again.

Eventually they were well and truly on their way and without a moment's hesitation, Dufus overtook Chalky's clapped out sharabang and headed off into the distance. Chalky was mildly concerned that Dufus would get lost, despite Dufus's protestations of unfailing direction (which would be proved utterly wrong in the maze later).

Chalky's mobile rang again. It was DesRes. (Although the fact she was calling from Dufus's mobile confused Shirt somewhat).

"We're just past junction 3 on the M3," she said.

"Stop at the next services," Chalky said, and Shirt passed on the request.

The services reached - the same services visited on the way to Longleat the previous year - the gang caught up with each other and said proper hellos to Lupine.

Dufus claimed to be driving the 'intellectual' car and Chalky asked if he wanted to swop as he was obviously in the wrong one. (Apparently, Lupine and DesRes had been discussing art.)

The 'Intellectual' Car

Chalky bought the requisite Jelly Babies - one packet for each car - and Enigma bought some breakfast to wake her up (having spend most of the preceding car journey fast asleep - which was very annoying because it meant that she wasn't able to turn the tape over when it finished).

Dufus managed to resist the temptation to play on the 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire' game (which had led the previous year to his little jig) and the gang quickly moved on, this time with Chalky in the lead.

However, even with Dufus stopping for petrol (something which caused him great concern later when he asked Chalky whether putting low-sulphur petrol into his car would damage it (like Chalky would know the first thing about cars!)) they soon caught up. Bearing in mind, that if Chalky tried to take his car over 60 miles an hour, it started to shake like a very shaky person whose feeling particularly shaky and is being shaken very vigourously by a patented 'shake-a-lot' machine.

Eventually Stonehenge was reached, much to Enigma's excitement, and the gang knew they were nearly there. By this time, 'Soul Decade' was playing on the stereo, and Enigma and Shirt were demonstrating exactly how many classic song lyrics they didn’t actually know.

As they travelled, jelly babies were eaten and Chalky became incredibly frustrated with the fact that every time he dipped his hand in, it came out with an orange baby. He didn't even like orange babies all that much!

The 'Orange Jelly Baby' Car

For all Dufus's speeding ahead, it actually didn't do him much good. Turning off on to the A36 which would eventually take them to Longleat, Chalky's car caught up with a queue of traffic stuck behind a caravan. There, but a few cars ahead of them was Dufus, stuck behind said caravan.

Eventually both cars reached Longleat, with Chalky's car now only one car behind Dufus's.

By this time, Chalky's group were singing along to the Mamas and the Papas in true California Dreamin' style.

They followed a long line of traffic filing into the entrance and bemoaned the fact that due to earlier train difficulties, they were a good hour and half later than normal and consequently had arrived at the same time as the general public (shock horror!) who weren't actually there for Colin Baker, Frazer Hines or even Anneke Wills (double shock horror!!).

Creeping slowly along to the payment booths, Chalky, Shirt and Enigma gave a hearty round of applause as Dufus clearly stalled his car.

A nice Longleat employee told Chalky to move into a queue on the left. Just then, Dufus's car was allowed to move into a much shorter queue to the right.

"Hey! That's not fair!" cried Chalky, Shirt and Enigma - not actually intending anyone to hear, but forgetting they had the windows down.

"You can join that queue," said a sudden voice at Chalky's ear, as the nice Longleat employee pointed to the shorter queue.

Of course, then Chalky's car got stuck behind some bloke who clearly couldn't decide which money-saving offer to go for in purchasing entrance to the attraction. Enigma made a few loud coughs out of her car window to no avail, but eventually with the car in front apparently having bought a CD (?!) they moved on, paid, and were finally IN!

After the long drive down the hill into the grounds, Chalky's group found Dufus's group and the complete gang made their way over to the central courtyard.

Almost immediately they found a timetable which completely contradicted the timetable Shirt had said was happening - but then disorganisation of timing was nothing new for Longleat. Actually, it wasn't all that bad, as the only changes were that all three guests would be doing two signing sessions rather than just the one advertised.

Passing the entrance to the exhibition, Enigma noticed some Daleks and was keen to have a photograph. With DesRes in tow, the pair did a 'Katy' with the Dalek, although the boys were most disappointed that they failed to do 'The Full Katy'.

"Which one of us is Katy Manning, again?

They moved on to the courtyard where Frazer and Anneke were already signing but decided to go round and visit Colin in the orangery first.

As oppose to the previous years remarkably long queue for Tom Baker, the queue for Colin was quite short and already moving which meant the fact the gang had arrived a lot later than usual was not a problem.

Wherever 3 fans stand, a queue will form

They were very quickly into the orangery and chatting amiably with Colin - and Dufus managed not to proposition Gary Downie, bodyguard to the stars.

DesRes was first with a couple of items for Shirt and Dufus, not actually having any of her own. Colin signed them without a single comment about them being odd names for a lady. DesRes moved on and Dufus followed.

A cunning plan foiled!

"Could you sign these to Dufus please?" asked Dufus.

"It wouldn't be the same Dufus by any chance, would it?" ventured Colin.

"Er, yes."

"And guess who I am?" asked Shirt.

"Another Dufus?" suggested Colin.

"No, Shirt!" pointed out Shirt. Colin smiled.

"Oh, it's you again," commented Colin, pretending to remember Shirt. "Where did I see you last?"

"At the Bloodtide signing," replied Shirt.

"And you came down here as well!" exclaimed Colin. "Thank you very much." Colin's words belied the fact he was clearly disturbed at the thought of having his very own stalker.

"Are you coming to What Shop?" asked Colin, fearing for his own safety.

"No."

"Always leave them wanting more, eh?" joked Colin, secretly relieved that he may be safe from Shirt the Stalker.

"Stop following me you Madman! Best Wishes, Colin Baker"

Next up was Chalky.

"I would have been at the Bloodtide signing too, but I was at a wedding," explained Chalky.

"Your own?" replied Colin, unaware he was repeating the same conversation he'd had with Shirt at the Bloodtide signing about Chalky being at the wedding.

"No," said Chalky, bluntly.

"I see you have a broken down bus on your shirt," commented Colin of the highly fashionable garment that Chalky was wearing and that both DesRes and Enigma had both commented favourably upon. "What happens around the back?"

"It's just the same broken down bus," said Chalky.

"Oh, I thought it was going to tell a story - like a panorama," said a clearly disappointed Colin.

"What happens around the back?" (oo-er!)

Enigma was next and chatted to Colin about being tired and Colin asked why. Enigma gave the excuse of work (yeh, sure) and explained that she worked in a cruise office and would herself be going on a cruise around the Adriatic next year (which was news to the gang).

On her emergence from the orangery, the rest of the gang told her she should have told Colin about her other job - in the pub/'unclothed' bar - because that would have got a completely different reaction (probably a phone number and address under Colin's signature, commented Chalky).

"The Peel. Okay. And what nights are you on?"

Lupine followed quickly after having provided no interesting anecdotes for this section. Still, he is new.

"I just got a lift with that lot, honest! I don't actually know them!"

The gang decided to return to the courtyard and join the queue for Frazer and Anneke. This was a longer queue and during the waiting time various members disappeared to the nearby merchandise shop.

As they slowly moved towards the signing tent (yes, Longleat had actually splashed out on a little shelter for the guests rather than relying on the trees) many double - and single - entendres were bandied around the group (often because Lupine has a very dirty mind), not least about how Enigma had got a suspicious looking bruise on her neck which she was constantly trying to cover with an inconspicuous choker. Apparently someone had hit her there…(yeh, with their lips!).

No one ask what Lupine's doing with his right hand!

Enigma was also distracted by a Cybermen which was strolling around the grounds which, for some reason, she found to be incredibly sexy.

Eventually, with DesRes for support she picked up enough courage to ask for a photo.

Wonderfully perverth!

The Cyberman was more than happy to oblige, and even asked her if she would like to hold his weapon…

"Would you like to hold my weapon?"

DesRes wanted to go and visit the mirror maze, but Chalky told her they'd all go round it later. Chalky would like to apologise for the fact that they never did and he apologises for his teacher-like command of DesRes's activities (although DesRes did get to go round by herself later on).

After a while they reached Frazer and Anneke and the autograph signing passed with little incident, owing to the fact that Mr. Oak and a Time Lord were trying to speed up the queue.

Anneke, however, was intrigued by Chalky's homemade video covers and Chalky explained, a little embarrassed that they were for the reconstructions. Fortunately, Miss Wills was willing to sign them, unofficial though they were. She was also fascinated by the PanoptiCon 93 video cover, Chalky proffered her and had a discussion with Mr. Oak as to whether she was there. He confirmed she was and then went into a rant about another 'popular' convention.

She passed the cover on to Frazer who was equally surprised to find himself on the back with Debbie Watling and Nicholas Courtney.

Chalky had also got him to sign the classic album of Who-inspired hits - Who is Doctor Who.

"I really like this album," said Chalky.

"Really?" asked an incredulous Frazer. "There are some dodgy songs on there."

The rest of the gang passed through relatively unscathed, although DesRes had to fend off questions about why she wanted a photo of Frazer signed to Twang - a favour she was doing for Enigma.

Some woman and that bloke from Emmerdale Farm

And that was the signing finished. The gang were now free as birds to do with the rest of the day what they wanted.

Enigma was starving and the rest were peckish, so lunch was on the menu first.

Returning to the cars to collect sustenance, Enigma queued for a baguette.

The gang sat around and Enigma and DesRes started having another girly chat, whilst the boys marvelled at Dufus's inability to eat his own baguettes without spilling most of the contents all over the comfortable (but unfortunately quite smelly) rugs Chalky had got out of his car.

The awful truth began to dawn on the gang that Dufus had eaten Enigma.

With lunch eaten, the gang decided to go and see what was being auctioned far over any price ranges they might have.

The list included the usual rubbishy items with the Doctor Who logo stamped on them - although still people bought them.

Shirt commented on the five pieces of Mandrel costume.

"I wonder who brought those!" he said loudly and disparagingly.

"Er…Shirt…" hushed Chalky, aware that the person who indeed had 'brought those' - Steve Cambden - was standing but a few steps away from Shirt.

Shirt shut up.

The gang gasped with amazement as Colin Baker's shirt went for £500 - no doubt due to Frazer Hines' remarkable auctioneering skills (which had the audience amused, at least). He was more entertaining than JNT that's for sure. Unfortunately, he and Anneke had to return to signing and the mystery of the special T-Shirt Anneke was going to auction, but then couldn’t be found, will remain unsolved. Although goodness knows what the bloke who bought the apron she modelled will do with it…

JNT continued the auction, managing to get £6 out of Enigma (and Lupine) for a Warriors of the Deep cassette read by (gasp, gosh) Peter Davison.

The gang then decided to wait for the auction of the complete Key to Time prop, expecting it to go for at least four figures.

Bizarrely, although people were willing to buy an umbrella with the Doctor Who logo on, or an apron (which I'm sure went for over £50), no one was willing to go over £450 for the prop. Unsurprisingly, the item was withdrawn having a substantial reserve on it (seeing as its double had gone for £1500 at an auction many years ago).

The gang left before Dufus's feeble attempts at bidding (which never took him over a tenner anyway) landed him with an empty lemonade bottle with the Doctor Who logo on it (honest - they were auctioning one as they left!).

The gang trotted over to the exhibition.

Outside, they ran into Little Ted and friends from 7th Galaxy. The gang showed them the auction list and Little Ted was most disparaging about certain items.

"When did you get here?"

"Half ten," replied Chalky, thinking that was reasonable (and later than previous years).

"Good grief! We didn't get here until after twelve. Do you lot have anything left to sign?"

"Plenty," said Chalky, sensing a note of sarcasm in Little Ted's voice. "Of course, if you think we’re that bad, we could always stop coming to your shop!"

"Oh, er…but we keep having new stuff!" covered Little Ted, anxious not to lose such faithful customers.

"Yes, well, just be careful…" warned Chalky.

Despite it's £1 entrance fee (and being cheap at half the price) Enigma and DesRes were both reluctant to go round what they suspected would be the same exhibition as it had been every year previously. However, Chalky and Shirt reassured them that the advertising claimed the exhibition had been 'refurbished' and so, with arms twisted behind their backs, they wandered in.

That Cyberman was soooooo dreamy, thought Enigma.

The Ice Warrior and the Cybermen were the same, although the background of the Cyber exhibit might have been different. Added in was the Giant Robot, newly recovered from its past residence in the Museum of the Moving Image (which had recently closed down it's London site). Next to this was the regeneration loop which afforded the gang a chance to check what Kamelion says to the 5th Doctor as he regenerates (Lupine being new to the whole 'Gareth Speaks the Truth' debacle).

"And you did WHAT to the Cyberman, Enigma?"

Needless to say, the dialogue was far too indistinct and the argument (for Dufus, at least) still held - although, now he's more of the opinion it's "Garet speaks the truth" (cos that makes more sense!).

Moving on, Chalky was able to settle Lupine's confused mind as to what a Mandrel looked like (there being five pieces of Mandrel available in the auction). Lupine was under the misapprehension that Mandrels look a bit like the Krynoids - foolish child!

The cool thing about this Mandrel was you could make it's eyes light up.

"Mummy, mummy! Which Doctor Who story were those monsters in?"

After a Dalek had declared it's love for Enigma (she certainly has a way with evil alien monsters bent on destroying the universe), a Tractator had wiggled it's appendages, the gang had recoiled in terror from a Vervoid, a Sea Devil and a Haemavore (a spelling error which Shirt took great umbrage too) and they had weeped and wailed at the sight of the burnt-out Terileptil Android and Cleaner robot, they returned to the sunlight and then headed straight for the over-priced merchandise tent.

Dufus was being restrained and not buying anything (although Chalky later found out he had eventually succumbed to a Tomb Cybermen (round the back of the tent!)), and Enigma couldn't afford anything anyway. DesRes - not being an actual fan - took her leave to wander around for an hour. Shirt didn’t buy anything, but Lupine and Chalky both threw caution to the wind and queued up for a good 15-20 minutes whilst the poor single cashier on the only working till tried to get through as many people as possible, and the public tried to work out exactly where the queue started.

Lupine asked Chalky's advice about which BBC missing audio soundtrack to purchase. After a moment's consideration he suggested The Mythmakers. Needless to say it was the only one they didn't have. So he suggested either The Macra Terror or The Highlanders instead.

Lupine also bought Loups-Garoux on the recommendation of the gang (being unconvinced about the Big Finish audios, having only bought Dust Breeding and Bloodtide). No doubt, this one will fail to impress him either - fickle fans! But it did at least have the Big Finish magazine CD attached free, so not all was lost.

Chalky decided to buy the Harlequin Whomobile, despite it's expensive price tag and also impulse-bought the 1974 Pertwee Annual.

Next it was over to the DWAS hut, where Enigma, Shirt and Dufus had already gone, tired of waiting for Lupine and Chalky. That wasn't before they'd accosted some more Cybermen however, and Enigma had gone one step closer to being completely perveth.

Of course, by this time, Dufus and Shirt couldn't resist joining in the fun too.

After grabbing some free magazines and buying some cheap Benny novels (which completed their collections) the gang moved back to the courtyard to meet DesRes and see the cake being cut.

Spreading out on the grass and enjoying the sunshine, the gang wondered why they always congregated here for someone cutting a cake.

Tradition, they supposed.

DesRes returned and a throng of people moved to encircle the door through which the celebrities (and JNT) would emerge.

Eventually the celebs appeared, accompanied by luminaries from DWAS and a not-very-large cake.

After being introduced to the Daleks that had been touring the grounds all day - including the 'Give us a cuddle' Dalek from the Kit Kat advert, the gang headed off for the final event of the day - the traditional trek around the maze.

Once in, the mooted idea of splitting into two groups was abandoned due to the fact that no one was willing to go in a group with Dufus, and everyone wanted to go with Chalky, because he claimed he could remember the route through.

However, it was decided to go as a whole but with different people leading at different times. Foolishly, the gang decided to start with Dufus who led them completely the wrong way, leading to Chalky having to rescue the situation by leading them back and finding the correct route from the first part of the maze, to the second (which oddly, enough, involves going down one of the paths marked 'Way Out').

Chalky knew you had to find two circular bits with many paths radiating from them, and after another couple of false starts, and the disappearance and subsequent rescue of Lupine (who had recklessly decided to clamber through a hole in the hedge), they found the circles. Chalky was ecstatic. He was even more ecstatic when they reached the second circular bit of the maze because he knew that one of the paths leading off would take them to the middle.

Chalky was ever so slightly confused when they found themselves at a third circular bit.

Realising that this one would lead, eventually, to the middle, they chose a path. This one led them straight back to the same place. Not that one then.

And then they chose the right one. Reaching the middle, the gang breathed a sigh of relief and took a moment to survey the mass of hedge they had just explored.

A few more double entendres were bandied about (including one about Enigma's muff!) and then the gang decided to attempt to get out of the maze!

This they did with a fair amount of ease - mainly due to Chalky's unfailing sense of direction.

The run to freedom was done with whoops and screams of joy (and pants of exhaustion from poor old Dufus).

After a quick visit to see Orac at the DWAS hut (the gang wanted a photo with them all in, which was only achievable if someone else took the picture), the gang hung around whilst people visited the 'facilities'.

Perched on the curb, the gang outstretched their hands at the passing 7th Galaxy posse, begging for some coppers for a cup of tea.

And then they nearly got run over by Colin and family in a big car!

With that over and the sun starting to begin its descent into oblivion, the gang decided to head home.

Lupine eschewed the delights of the intellectual car to travel with Chalky and Enigma, whilst Shirt thought he might have a discussion with Dufus as to whether Philip and Ruth Madoc were once married.

Travelling home, Lupine decided to shout at innocent passers-by (especially ones who were having a wee on the hard shoulder), and failed to convince either Chalky or Enigma that he had managed to be 'intellectual' in the other car.

Chalky also proved to Lupine that his musical tastes extended far beyond the confines of the wonderful S Club 7 by playing a choice selection of hits, especially prepared for the occasion.

After the delights of Savage Garden and Eagle Eye Cherry, Enigma put on her 'Warriors of the Deep' cassette, and the trio marvelled at Peter Davison's australian accent as Tegan.

Meanwhile, Lupine attempted to contact people on his dying mobile phone and kept beeping and buzzing all over the place.

As darkness descended over Britain, Dufus' s car detoured off towards Shirt's house, before returing home with DesRes, and Chalky continued on to drop of Enigma and Lupine.

And that was it. Chalky returned home and went to bed, awaiting the return of Dawn.

(Shirt: It wasn't funny at the start, and it still isn't funny now…)