Shirt…

...Joins The Premier(e) League

Shirt had never been to a West End film premiere and decided to rectify this by attending the premiere for Guy Ritchie’s “Sherlock Holmes”. Tickets being over £250, he decided to be one of the multitudes hanging over the crash-barriers, and see the film when it was released on Boxing Day.

Having taken the day off work, Shirt made his way to Leicester Square, where the barriers were in the process of being erected. The positions opposite the cinema were all already taken and so having waited for the barrier to be erected further, took up a position close to where the guests’ cars would be stopping. Then it was just a question of waiting…and waiting…..and waiting in the icy December air. A little further up, a Victorian street was being recreated outside the cinema, whilst a blue carpet featuring a silhouetted London skyline was carefully rolled out and temporarily stuck to the pavement. Next a man came along, attaching large posters for the film to the barriers. At the insistence of a nearby group who attend a lot of premieres, Shirt carefully wrote his initials on the back of the poster in front of him – in premiere etiquette, this meant that he had “baggsied” it to take away at the end.

To deal with the boredom, Shirt listened to the first story in the Large Endings’ ‘Sherlock Holmes’ range – “SH: The Last Act”. Then to everyone’s concern, a large smoke machine was wheeled into view, and pushed over to the barrier just by Shirt and those surrounding him. Matters were worsened when they were enveloped in fog, that was just supposed to linger over the ground like a bog or the Great Grimpen Mire [Having visited the Mire that summer in similar conditions, Shirt was quite impressed with its fidelity]. It seemed that what worked well inside, did not work well outside where wind can blow it about. Cue lots of groans (and coughs) as they all tried to persuade the contractors to move it, in order that 1) they didn’t all suffocate, and 2) guests might actually come over to the barrier to sign autographs. Eventually the machine was moved, and they all breathed a sigh of relief (once the suffocating fog had dissipated). However, half-an-hour later, two large wooden crates were dumped in the same place, to cries of “Is that going to stay there?”.

At this point, things got slightly interesting, as Alex Zane, host of the TV premiere special popped up dressed as Holmes, and did a piece to camera just in front of Shirt. [On transmission, Shirt was annoyed that the camera singularly failed to show him, the shot ending on the person next to him]. Then luckily, the crates were partially dismantled, and moved further up the road to the street scene. The cold was starting to bite, a light smattering of rain had begun, and Shirt began thinking for the first time about giving it all up as a bad job.

Another half-an-hour later, Shirt having been there for over four hours, darkness had fallen, all the barriers were heaving with people, and the first cars began arriving. These all seemed to contain people that no-one recognised. Until finally, Mark Strong (villain of the piece, ‘Lord Blackwood’) exited from a car. Immediately, everyone started calling his name, but he moved swiftly to the press delegations opposite Shirt’s position, ignoring the continued calls for over twenty minutes. In the mean time, Kelly Reilly (who plays Watson’s love interest ‘Mary Morstan’) arrived, and also headed straight for the press. The air was now filled with a mixture of “Mark!!!” and “Kelly!!!”. Mark briefly walked over to sign a few items for the group next to Shirt, but moved off before Shirt could get him to sign an index card. Kelly also hurried past, her designer dress not made for a cold December evening. Next to arrive was Rachel McAdams (who plays Holmes’ love interest, ‘Irene Adler’). The young girls next to Shirt (all massive "Mean Girls" fans) called her name again and again, but without success.

Then the film’s central pairing arrived. First was Robert Downey Jr. (Holmes), who spent a long time chatting to the press, before sweeping along the huddled masses, signing items here and there with a pen that he had forgotten to give back to a fan. Reaching his part of the barrier, Shirt begged the great man to sign a publicity postcard but Robert could not get the pen to write on the slightly damp postcard, and moved on refusing Shirt’s offer of an alternative pen. Resolved that he would get at least one signature, Shirt was very prepared when Jude Law (Watson) also began moving along the barrier. Persistence was rewarded with a signed ‘Watson’ postcard. Guy Ritchie was hovering, but seemed unwilling to sign.

Time getting on, the stars swept into the cinema. Shirt also saw Heather Graham, Julian Fellowes, Gwen Stefani, and Kian from ‘Westlife’ go past. The arrivals complete, it appeared that the clippers that the group next to Shirt needed to free the posters from the barriers had been borrowed by a friend somewhere in the crowd, and so after one of them rushing about Leicester Square for five minutes, eventually the posters were freed. Shirt had been unaware of exactly how big the poster was, until he attempted to get on the Underground with it. Despite, this a very cold Shirt slowly wended his way home, vowing never to attend such a premiere again.

[PL]