Dufus & Shirt…

...Shatter Time.

Part One – “Being Grown Up About It All” (Friday)

Having not visited the other two for many months, Dufus had come down two weekends running. Having attended a talk by Russell T. Davies at the National Theatre the week before, this time he had come down to attend a football match (but not in the company of Shirt), and to attempt to meet Elisabeth Sladen, Daniel Anthony and Tommy Knight from “The Sarah Jane Adventures” at Frames Bookshop, prior to the match. The previous weekend, the BBC Tickets website had revealed an availability of tickets for BBC3 sitcom, Grown Ups, starring Lucie Miller herself, Sheridan Smith, for the Friday that Dufus was intending to come down, and so two tickets had been booked.

Meeting at Clapham Junction Station (Shirt coming straight from work), they travelled a short distance to Barnes where they were just in time to catch the bus that they needed. Following a picturesque tour of Hammersmith, they finally came in sight of the new Westfield Shopping Centre, which they were aware was close to TV Centre. Alighting outside the new Wood Lane Underground Station, they found a medium length queue beside the audience entrance. Making a quick detour to the local garage to buy snacks to eat in the queue, they joined it. It being ‘Children in Need’ night, TV Centre was very busy, and was completely lit up, with projected Pudsey images somersaulting over it. Having got all the ‘World Ecology Bureau’ references out of the way, the two fretted about whether they were in the right queue.

After a few minutes, stewards came along the queue asking if people were waiting for “Grown Ups”, “Strictly Come Dancing” or “Children in Need” (anyone for the latter was in the wrong queue).

“Are you ‘Grown Ups’?”, he asked Dufus and Shirt.

Shirt decided to avoid all the obvious jokes, mumbling ‘Yes’, but Dufus attempted to make an amusing quip about them being children, despite the steward having moved on.

A little while later, and the queue was split into two, with very few people in front of the friends seemingly seeing “Grown Ups”, meaning that they were very close to the front of this queue.

Having negotiated the airport (or prison) style security, and with Dufus struggling to put his belt back on, they walked up to the audience waiting area, passing a TARDIS as they did so. However, there was no sign of any WHO related people in the vicinity. Having availed themselves of the facilities, and Dufus finally having put his belt back on, they plundered one of the few remaining BBC shops, Dufus buying the new series Pocket Diary and Desk Calendar for 2009.

They then spent their time moving around the room, trying to second-guess which door they would need to queue at.

Finally, a member of staff came over the tannoy.

“Can those for ‘Grown Ups’ with ticket numbers 1-50, please form a queue at Door B. That’s the one by the Sunflower mural.”

Dufus and Shirt rushed to Door B, being quite near the front of the ensuing queue.

The tannoy sprang into life.

“Can those for ‘Grown Ups’ with ticket numbers 51-100, please form a queue at Door A., by the Sunflower mural.”

Everyone in Dufus and Shirt’s queue looked around, and noticed for the first time, the absence of a Sunflower mural where they were standing.

Ticket numbers 101-200 had already been called, before the voice came on the tannoy again.

“Sorry, can those for ‘Grown Ups’ with ticket numbers 1-50, please join the queue at Door A.”

Cue a frantic rush, and those with ticket numbers over 50 being very unwilling to let the others go before them.

Door A finally opened, and the queue slowly followed a steward around the building, round the fountain, and back into the building, where it stopped in a corridor.

As they were waiting there, Graham ‘PC Stamp from The Bill’ Cole was rushed past.

Dufus and Shirt spoke as one.

“Cyberman !”, they said, pointing after him.

The queue moved a little further, and there was a cheer as John Sergeant (who was then wowing audiences on “Strictly Come Dancing”) went past.

Then two of the stars of “Grown Ups”, Richard Mylan (from “Coupling Series 4”) and Steven Meo (from Torchwood episode “Random Shoes” and animated WHO “The Infinite Quest”) pushed through, clearly in the wrong place.

Finally, they entered Studio Six (previously featured in “The Invisible Enemy”, “The Pirate Planet”, “Vengeance on Varos”, and “Caves of Androzani” - with the Davison/Baker regeneration – amongst others), and took their seats, a few rows behind a woman who turned out to be Sheridan’s mum.

Programmes had been left on the seats, and both Dufus and Shirt were disappointed that the warm-up man was not Ted ‘Who’s the Governor?’ Robbins.

The recording started, and as is always the case with such things, went on and on and on, with the block that Dufus and Shirt’s sitting in, slowly emptying as time went on, first to use the toilets and then to catch last trains.

The recording completed, there was a little wait to exit the building, due to it being the changeover of ‘Children in Need’ audiences.

Just missing a tube at Wood Lane, they finally reached Hammersmith, pausing to buy burgers at McDonalds, before making their way to Earls Court, then Wimbledon, then Worcester Park, and finally Shirt’s home.

They proved to be just in time for the repeat showing of the “The Next Doctor” preview, despite Shirt having set the video for the first showing before leaving for work. Having also watched the Eastenders’ West End Musical tribute, they both retired for the night.

Part Two – “The Popularity of Sarah Jane Smith” (Saturday)

Dufus had been unable to come down when the rest of the gang had visited the “Doctor Who Exhibition” at Earls Court (see CDS…Are Earls Court in the Act). A visit had been planned when he had come down the previous weekend, but the last minute extension of its run meant that it had been put off to this weekend.

Retracing their steps from the previous night, they found themselves at Earls Court Station, with plenty of time to spare. As they walked through the Station towards the Exhibition Centre, they noticed a large number of groups of young girls, some carrying instrument cases, and all wearing similar clothes to their companions. Then Shirt noticed the sticky labels that they were all wearing.

“Britain’s Got Talent”, he read, “they must be auditioning at Earls Court”.

Dufus predictably suggested that he and Shirt should mount an act, with his main suggestion being a reprise of his finest hour, singing a song with Chalky, in a church concert.

“You could do Chalky’s part”, he suggested, before asking, “What was the song called, again ?”

“Ironically, ‘All for the Best’ !”, said Shirt, remembering the true ‘so bad it was good’ nature of Dufus’ performance.

Passing a large number of young bands and dancers, the two walked past the main Earls Court building to the Exhibition Centre.

Dufus having marvelled at the ‘Timelord Café’ (or concession stand as it is also known), they hung about waiting for ten minutes until the time of their tickets came round.

Showing the tickets to the steward beside the stairs, they descended into the basement, with Dufus taking photos of all the Classic Doctor information boards. Moving along they handed their tickets to the steward at the entrance, and entered the recreation of Henrik’s basement, with its scary moving Autons. Photos having been taken, they entered what appeared to be a deserted exhibition. Series One items were devoured by Dufus, with Shirt continuing to moan about the absence of the Moxx of Balhoon. The first large exhibit was The Face of Boe, which both friends struggled to get their photo with. A family then appeared and overtook the pair whilst they messed about with their cameras trying to get them to take a good photo of The Face.

It was then on, past Sycorax, Cat Nuns and the Azorbaloff, until they reached the room with the ‘guess the monster part’. Dufus felt about for a long time in the first one, looking very confused until Shirt lifted the viewing lid to reveal that the Cyber-hand was not in there. Shirt having checked the others contained their parts, Dufus failed to get any of the others, save the spiky Bankafalatta head. They continued on through the make-up gallery, and into the room with the Empress of Racnoss, where they singularly failed to take a photo of it moving. A steward walking through scolded Dufus for leaving his camera case on the floor.

Then they entered the Cyber-Zone, with Dufus having similar ideas about photos to Chalky. However, he seemed slightly happier standing in front of a Weeping Angel. They continued on into the room containing K9, Oods, a Carrionite, Clockwork Droids, and Rose’s 1950’s outfit, and spent a while looking at the Special Effects display, before taking photos of each other in the CSO TARDIS. Series 4 monsters awaited – a Sontaran and a Hath, as well as Series 3 costumes. Entering the Dalek zone, the show seemed to be much the same (but with less laser beams than the previous time), but there was a new epilogue in which Davros was revealed beside the exit door, by a light coming on behind the thin curtain in front of his chair. His mechanical hand moved, and he spoke a mixture of dialogue from the Series 4 finale and specially recorded linking bits (which clearly weren’t Julian Bleach), before disappearing into the darkness again, before the friends had had time to take a photo of him. They therefore watched the show again, this time getting snaps of the Dalek Creator.

Exiting, they found a Pig Slave, and a Nightclub Dancer (which Dufus took slightly too long taking a photo of, and seemed to only get the mannequin’s legs in), but in the final area were the rest of the Series 4 items – Bankafalatta, Morvin & Foon, Max Capricorn, a Vashta Nerada Spacesuit, a Pyrovile Priestess and the altar on which Donna was to be sacrificed. Moving into the shop. Dufus ummed-and-ahhed over several items, finally getting a Postcard Collection and Exhibition Guide. They went up to look at the art prints, and took the opportunity to slip back to the start of the deserted exhibition, going round at double speed. Back in the shop, they exited the exhibition, returning to the Underground Station, and making their way to Oxford Circus, and Frames Bookshop.

Making their way to the top floor, they found a very long queue. The guests were visible at the signing table, but were busy signing for 50 competition winners who had already had a SJA storytelling session with Ms. Sladen. Dufus and Shirt like the good little fans they are, joined the queue. Neither had purchased anything yet and so Shirt went off, coming back with one of the promoted CDs – “Shatter Point”, the other “Time Capsule” not being available downstairs, but there being many copies on a table inside the signing area that was currently off-limits. Dufus decided that he wanted a DVD Series 1 boxset, but was unsure that he would get to the front of the queue before he had to leave to get to his football match.

“Excuse me”, he asked an attractive assistant who was going along the queue handing out samplers of the upcoming ‘Doctor Who: The Darksmith Legacy’ book series, “I have to get off later, could I buy a Boxset and my friend get it signed ?”

“Of course”, the assistant told him, “that won’t be a problem !”

Dufus therefore went off, returning with a boxset which had been cheaper than the RRP, hence easing his conscience about buying things he couldn’t afford.

Then a fan who runs a Sarah Jane Fansite came down the queue with three cards for the guests. Dufus and Shirt decided to forego signing them, to allow space for younger fans to write their messages.

A few minutes later, an announcement was made.

“The guests have just finished signing for the competition winners. They’re just going to have a brief break as Elisabeth’s suffering from an eye infection”.

The guests disappeared into a back room, amid mutters from those waiting in the queue, which continued to get longer.

After a further twenty minutes, Dufus had to go to get to his football match (Traitor!).

Half-an-hour later stewards came down the queue handing out SJA signing wristbands. Still having some left they came back a second and third time, with Shirt also getting bands for Chalky and Dufus.

Then the three guests walked past the queue, from the back room. Everyone around Shirt, looked at each other incredulously. All were too far away from the signing table to see that it had been empty for so long, and believed that the signing had restarted, albeit very slowly.

The queue then began moving – slowly, very slowly. There didn’t seem to be a limit on numbers of items and with a DVD boxset, two CDs and four books being promoted, some fans had seven items before any personal ones. Some fans seemed to be getting every single Classic Who Sarah Jane DVD cover signed. Ms. Sladen also had to have regular breaks to bathe her eye.

Shirt’s attention, however, was focused on the conversation of the group in front of him, some of which it seemed were responsible for the forthcoming “Hinchcliffe Horror” one-day event that Shirt had bought a ticket for. They were discussing who they had contacted to add to the already announced guest list, with Shirt’s hope rising when they mentioned Christopher Benjamin, as Trevor Baxter had already been announced, leading the possibility of a Jago/Litefoot panel.

After what seemed like several ice ages, Shirt finally entered the signing area, picking up the other CD. In front of him was a small queue with the SJA fansite webmaster part of a group at the front.

An assistant stepped in – “Only three items per person”, she stated, Shirt groaning that this restriction had been applied only a few people in front of him. He then placed the other CD down, as he was aware that he did not want to have that as one of his three items.

The SJA superfan and his friends then proceeded to spend ten minutes talking to the guests, giving them the multi-signed cards, and seemingly getting as many items as he wanted signed. Shirt was beginning to fume (but not as much as when he found out later that the superfan had already met Lis as one of the competition winners).

Finally they moved off, and the assistant reappeared – “One item per person”

Shirt made to complain about this, but then spotted the assistant that Dufus has spoken to earlier.

Directing his comments to her, he wailed, “But I’ve also got this boxset that I was told could be signed for my friend”.

The attractive assistant stepped forward and to Shirt’s defence.

“I did say that, can we just let him get the other boxset signed ? I did promise his friend, as he couldn’t wait”.

Begrudgingly, Shirt was allowed to get both his own boxset and Dufus’ signed by the guests.

The queue was being moved along very swiftly, and so Shirt only had time for a few words with each guest. Clutching his precious signed boxsets, he moved off to a quiet corner to sort himself out, marvelling at the large number of people still in the queue.

Stopping off at a few of his usual haunts on the way, Shirt wended his way to Vauxhall where he met Dufus, and the two of them travelled first to Shirt’s, and then to Chalky and Tigger and Mavic Chen’s home, for an evening playing games and chatting.

[PL]