Shirt…

...I’m Sorry I Haven’t the Real Time

PATRICIA	GRAEME	SHIRT	JANE	LEE & HERRING

Large Endings’ success with the Gareth Roberts/Clayton Hickman-penned 2001 Christmas romp, “The One Doctor”, had led them to commission another such effort from the same team for Christmas 2002. In a similar vein, given the success of their signing/Christmas party for said earlier release (see CDS...Meets One Doctor, 1.2 Children & a Couple of Writers ), Seventh Galaxy decided to host a similar event for the new Eurovision-themed audio, “Bang-Bang-A-Boom” (but this time at the weekend). Said audio featured an all-star cast including Sabina Franklin, Nickolas Grace, Patricia Quinn & Graeme Garden. Seventh Galaxy announced that the latter two celebrities would be present at the signing, which was also to celebrate the CD release of the Large Endings’/CBBI co-production “Real Time” featuring the unlikely pairing of Cybermen and the comedians Stewart Lee & Richard Herring, with Lee & Herring on hand to sign copies. The presence of former Goodie & “I’m Sorry I’ll Read That Again” regular, Graeme Garden, who also stars in Shirt’s favourite Radio 4 programme, the antidote to panel games, “I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue”, meant that Shirt’s attendance was guaranteed. Lupine was still suffering cashflow problems, and after stating reasonably categorically that he would be down, Dufus was an unsurprising no-show (Dufus changing his mind – never !!). Chalky (and possibly Tigger) were to be accompanying Shirt, but a last minute sniffle meant that Shirt was on his own again.

A remarkably uneventful journey, and Shirt found himself at Seventh Galaxy for the third time in as many weeks, and faced with a longer queue than on these previous occasions. (Well there was a convention two weeks before, featuring a What Shop signing of the item from the previous week). Entering the shop, and exchanging the usual pleasantries with the shop staff, Shirt purchased two copies of “Bang-Bang-A-Boom” (one for Chalky), as well as a copy of a CD of the music from the Large Endings’ Sixth Doctor Adventures, which Shirt intended to listen to before giving it to Chalky for Christmas. There was however, no sign of the promised “Real Time” CD despite the lingering presence of Lee & Herring.

“Gary Russell’s bringing the ‘Real Time’ CDs with him”, Big Ted assured Shirt (and Lee & Herring).

Leaving the shop, Shirt passed Jane Goddard (supporting-actress in both CDs), her other half (“All hail the great talking beard”) Rob Shearman, and a Barnaby Edwards-less Nick Pegg.

Joining the queue, which was verging on Santa’s grotto, and noticing ex-gang member Cwej, Shirt put on his walkman headphones and listened to the concluding part of the first season of Sarah Jane audios purchased two weeks before. As he listened, Shirt tried to ignore the constantly running nose of the man in front, instead concentrating on spotting Large Endings’ employees as they turned up – the writers of “B-B-A-B” Gareth Roberts & Clayton Hickman, writer/actor Mark Wright, producer Jason Haigh-Ellery, and finally Gary Russell, noticeably unencumbered by boxes of CDs. Oh, and as an envelope was being opened, Anthony Keetch was there as well.

“Damn”, thought Shirt, “Should have brought my ‘Neverland’ cover !”

The arrival of Gareth and Clayton caused a problem, there was no more room at the signing table inside the shop. Therefore, Little Ted brought out a variety of small tables, which he failed dismally to erect or which had a noticeable dip in the middle. Finally succeeding in manhandling a round table to one side of the door to the shop, and throwing a tablecloth over it, the writers were seated.

A female voice behind him, caused Shirt to take a surreptitious look at the group behind him. Two girls in a queue for a Doctor Who signing – will wonders never cease ! The girl who had attracted Shirt’s attention was wearing a T-shirt with a picture of Disney’s Tigger, and the word “TIGGER” in large letters.

“You’re not Tigger !”, thought Shirt, but decided not to vocalise this.

It seemed that the group were big “Goodies” fans, as well as WHO fans, and that it was the presence of Mr. Garden that had led to their being in the queue, as they exchanged “humorous” stories about Tim Brooke-Taylor.

It was at this point that Big Ted wandered up the queue, with a bombshell.

“ ’Real Time‘ won’t be here. Gary’s been let down by the delivery company. Apparently next day delivery doesn’t include weekends”

Less surprising was the news that the signing would be starting half-an-hour late.

Finally reaching the front of the queue, Shirt was waved into the shop by Poppy, to join the shorter queue. As on the previous Christmas event, buffet food was available, whilst waiting in the shop. However, this then meant that you had to meet the guests with a paper plate of crisps, sausage rolls, sandwiches, and fairy cakes in one hand. Therefore, no-one was touching the food (save for the guests) despite the efforts of Big Ted & Hamble to persuade them. Little Ted was also having trouble opening the cartons of wine, finally giving up and getting a “Buffy” corkscrew out of its box to open a bottle.

Cwej had reached Patricia Quinn, and having got his “Rocky Horror” album cover signed, in response to a remark of Patricia’s, made a comment about suggestiveness in “Doctor Who”, exclaiming ironically,

“Suggestiveness in ‘Doctor Who’ – never !!”

Unfortunately, Patricia missed the ironic tone, telling him that “it is now” and that she “gets up to all manner of questionable things in this one”. Cwej not wishing to take this further moved onto Graeme Garden, proffering him a copy of the first “I’m Sorry I’ll Read That Again” vinyl album.

A few minutes later, Shirt was standing in front of Ms. Quinn, who seemed to be a graduate of the Katy Manning school of eccentricity. Signing Shirt’s “B-B-A-B” cover and “Dragonfire” (in which she also guest-starred), she was thrilled when Shirt asked her to sign a video cover for “The Box of Delights”, stating how good she thought it was.

“Every child in the world should be made to watch it”, she exclaimed.

Shirt simply nodded.

“It’s a splendid story”, she continued, “It was written by the poet laureate. What was his name ?”

“John Masefield”, said Shirt, vaguely indicating the place on the sleeve where this information was displayed.

“No”, said Patricia firmly, and Shirt felt it would be rude to argue.

Getting Chalky’s “B-B-A-B” cover signed, Shirt moved on to Dr. Graeme Garden.

Graeme happily signed Shirt’s “I’m Sorry I’ll Read That Again” cast photo, “ISIRTA: Volume 1” cassette cover, “I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue: Anniversary Special” cassette cover, as well as his “B-B-A-B” cover. Shirt then offered “Stovold’s Mornington Crescent Almanac 2002” edited by Dr. Garden. Shunning the page offered by Shirt, Graeme turned to the second title page, telling Shirt,

“I’ve got a friend in the business. If I sign it here, it’ll be worth more money”.

Shirt thanked Graeme, got Chalky’s cover signed, and moved off down the table, having stated how nice it was to meet the good Doctor. The large queue behind him caused Shirt to abandon his plan to challenge Graeme to a game of “Mornington Crescent”, and due to the number of guests, getting behind the table for a photo was out of the question.

Jane Goddard was next, and happily signed Chalky & Shirt’s covers. Shirt then offered her the sleeve for “The Ratings War” and “The Maltese Penguin”. Signing the latter, she told Shirt, “You must get Rob to sign that !”, before looking around her and asking,

“Where is Rob ?”.

She then told Shirt about her wedding to Rob, and how a friend had given her a scuba-diving themed present (this being one of her hobbies), which included a “buddy-line”, which in future she intends to use so that Rob can’t escape. Shirt smiled indulgently.

Nick Pegg (director of “B-B-A-B”, and LE actor) was next, and he signed the covers offered, before asking Shirt,

“Have we met before ?”

Shirt stated that they had on several previous occasions at Seventh Galaxy. Nick then enquired about Chalky.

“He’s allegedly ill”, Shirt said, “He and his girlfriend were supposed to be coming. But now he’s tucked up warm in bed!”.

Nick picked up on the less than hidden suggestion, which reassured Shirt who had just remembered who he was talking to.

The covers were then passed along to Vidar Magnussen, one of Patricia & Graeme’s co-stars in “B-B-A-B”, who signed them without comment.

Next were a dejected Lee & Herring watching everyone pass by as they didn’t have copies of “Real Time” (but they will still getting paid !). Shirt, however, offered the inlay from the CD of their 1990’s Radio 1 series “Fist of Fun”, which both signed happily.

“Where did you get that CD from ?”, asked Stewart in a tone that suggested he already knew the answer.

Shirt considered lying, but finally told the truth.

“I got it in a bargain bookshop”, admitted Shirt.

“How much was it ?”, asked Richard.

“One pound”, said Shirt hesitantly, before adding, “Reduced from £1.99”.

Having told them which bargain bookshop (Victoria Street if you’re interested), as Richard didn’t have a copy, Shirt moved on and got the two covers signed by another “B-B-A-B” co-star, Anthony Spargo.

Leaving the shop, Shirt approached the round table and got both authors to sign the covers, which they did with minimum of conversation. Just then, Rob Shearman turned up, and Shirt told him of Jane’s order, and keen not to annoy the missus, Rob signed Shirt’s “Maltese Penguin”. A conversation then ensued in which Shirt praised Rob’s work to the heights, whilst Rob was very self-deprecating:

S: “ ‘Holy Terror’ is excellent !”; R: “It’s OK !”

S: “ ‘Chimes of Midnight’ was my favourites McGann audio !”; R: “The script wasn’t very good, it was all down to Barnaby Edwards’

direction.

S: “ I really enjoyed ‘Maltese Penguin’ !”; R: “It’s a bit stretched-out, it was originally going to be a 30-minute joke. They’ve made too

much of it !”

However, Rob seemed much more enthusiastic about his upcoming Sixth Doctor and the Daleks audio - “Jubilee” – which he described as “a bit different”.

Saying his goodbyes to Rob, Shirt briefly popped back into the shop to order two copies of “Real Time”, which would be signed by Lee and Herring and sent on to him. Wishing the shop staff a “Merry Christmas”, Shirt headed for home.

[PL]