Shirt...

...Ain’t No Cure for the Summertime Queues !!

Spirit Sinema were having the first of four seasonal signing sessions – “Summer Signing Spectacular” – at a new venue in Chiswick, due to the old one being in the process of being redecorated. A few early announcements had piqued Shirt’s interest, leading to his buying an entry ticket.

Shirt made his way to Gunnersbury Station, having finally caught a Richmond train from Earls Court. On arrival, and staring at the ineffectual walking instructions downloaded from the Spirit Sinema website, Shirt exited the station through (what would turn out to be) the wrong exit. Having wandered around aimlessly for about 15 minutes, Shirt turned to maps on his phone, finally finding his way to a road marked on the small map attached to the directions. After briefly getting lost again, Shirt finally found the right way, ending up at St. Michael’s (the patron saint of returned goods) Church, Chiswick. A large ‘Spirit Sinema’ sign by the church hall led Shirt to the location of the signing.

Entering the hall, Shirt found Orac, member of the local group frequented by members of the gang many years before. He completely failed to recognise Shirt, even when crossing ‘Shirt Sea-Slug’ off on his list. It seemed that Richard Franklin, the autograph free with entry, would only be signing until 1.30pm, and due to Shirt’s getting lost, it was now 1.27pm. Orac therefore gave Shirt his free autograph voucher, and advised him to come back and buy his other autographs afterwards.

Shirt managed to join a small queue, and just over five minutes later, was getting Richard to swiftly sign his “The Daemons” cover.

Moving back to the main desk, where a sign confirmed that Richard would be leaving at 1.30pm and also stated that ‘Monoid’ Chris Webb would only be signing ‘Doctor Who’ memorabilia (disappointing anyone who wanted him to sign covers for the Hollywood films in which he has acted as a stuntman), Shirt bought £10 and £5 autograph vouchers according to a list that he had prepared the night before.

Moving into the main hall, Shirt joined a small queue for former ‘The Bill’ star, Simon Rouse, who signed Shirt’s “Kinda” DVD cover with a minimum of conversation. Next up with Keith ‘Duty Free’ Barron, who signed not only Shirt’s “Enlightenment” DVD cover, but also the cover for “The Last Vampyre”, Granada’s take on ‘The Sussex Vampire’. [The fact that Shirt abhors the dramatisation not stopping him getting the cover signed]. This latter credit meant that Shirt also got his photo taken with Keith.

Crossing to the other side of the hall, Shirt got David Quilter, who appeared as ‘Greeves the Butler ‘in “The Unicorn and the Wasp” on his ‘Series 4’ poster. Next was Kelly Hunter, the ‘Shadow Architect’ in “The Stolen Earth”, who also signed the ‘Series 4’ poster, as well as a newly purchased photo of her in character.

The publicity had offered two-thirds of the Paternoster Gang, but only Dan Starkey was currently present, with Catrin Stewart’s table empty. Shirt therefore decided to meet Dan, and wait to see if Catrin arrived. Having got his ‘Series 6’ poster signed (being unable to find a poster with a ‘Series 8’ image prior to the signing), Shirt posed for a photo with Dan, hoping to improve on his last one.

Moving off, Shirt noticed that Richard Franklin was just leaving, the sign having meant to say 2.30pm (meaning that Shirt’s rushing had been unnecessary). There still being no sign of Catrin, Shirt took the opportunity to get some food from the ‘tuck shop’ being provided, and to count up his autograph vouchers, realising that he needed another £5 one. Having purchased this, Catrin had finally arrived, and a long queue had formed for her. Joining this, Shirt spent the time being entertained by Dan explaining to Chipo Chung who was sitting next to him about his semi-regular part in the series, and by the fact that Catrin who stood up for each photo with attendees, kept having to pull her jeans up.

Finally reaching the front, Shirt proffered his ‘Series 6’ poster which was signed next to Dan, and then she stood up for her photo with Shirt, pulling her trousers up as she did so. Shirt mused on pulling up his own trousers, which were also slipping down, but thought that Catrin might think he was mocking her.

After a gap of around twenty minutes, the first session’s guests filed out, and a new set came in, fighting their way past a long queue of people waiting to have a photo with Dan and Catrin together. Shirt, however, joined a small queue for Rachel Bell, guest-star in “The Happiness Patrol” and ‘Louise’ in “Dear John” (“Were there any sexual problems ?”), whom Chalky and Shirt had once seen given her best Patricia Routledge as ‘Kitty’ in a curtain-raiser to a production of Victoria Wood’s “Talent”. DVD cover signed, and Shirt decided that he had to get a photo with her.

Moving along, Shirt reached Robert Whitelock, who appeared in “The Bells of St. John”. He turned out to be a friend of Mr. Quarrelstick, and happily signed Shirt’s ‘Series 7B’ poster next to Celia Imrie. He also signed “Psychodrome”, the first Large Endings audio to feature Adric as played by Matthew Waterhouse.

Next up was a long queue for ex-Emmerdale actress and ‘lads mag favourite’, Adele Silva, whose first credit was as ‘Squeak’ in “Survival”. For some unknown reason all male attendees were insisting on a photo with her, and Shirt noticed the return of the ‘shirt, the cap and the jacket flap’, not seen since Jasmine Breaks.

A few people in front of Shirt was Mrs. Sixties Doctor Who Fan, and when it came to her turn, she ushered the next person past her. Then her husband arrived, taking her place in the queue, whilst sending her to hold his place in another queue. Just as it was about to be his turn, he realised that he had left his folder of items for signing with the last guest, and so popped off for a minute to get it, arriving back just in time to put a large number of items in front of Adele.

On finally reaching the front, Shirt smiled winningly as Adele struggled to find somewhere to sign on his crowded “Survival” cover, before moving round to the seat next to her for the inevitable photo. Having completed signing the cover, Adele looked up, and placed her arm around Shirt for the photo, which was taken all too quickly.

Moving off in a daze, Shirt was momentarily confused by the lack of a queue for the next person he wanted, Christien Anholt. However, breaking from his reverie, Shirt located his “The Curse of Fenric” cover, which Christien signed.

Joining the longest queue of the day, for “The Brain of Morbius” guest-star, Cynthia Grenville, Shirt was entertained by two younger fans striving to get photos with as many guests without paying for autographs.

Finally reaching the front, and being surprised at being asked for a £5 voucher rather than a £10 one, Shirt put down his DVD cover. Ms. Grenville seemed generally a little confused, but happily signed the cover.

Looking at his final autograph voucher, Shirt realised that it was now of the wrong value. Therefore, following a final trip to the main desk to swap it for a £5 voucher and a £5 note, Shirt was meeting Ken Bones for the second time. He proffered “The Gamekeeper’s Folly”, the second of Large Endings’ “The Ordeals of Sherlock Holmes”.

“I’ve never seen the cover before”, commented Ken, turning it over in his hands, and laughing on finding the photo of himself inside.

“Did they not send you a complimentary copy ?”, asked Shirt.

Ken didn’t respond, and simply signed the cover.

Stowing all his items, Shirt exited the hall and made his way towards an underpass going under the main road, and following it through, and walking back to a road he had wandered down earlier, found his way back to an alleyway that led to the other exit of Gunnersbury Station. Settling back on a District Line train that came almost immediately, Shirt mused on attending the next such Spirit Sinema event.

[PL]