Chalky, Dufus, and Shirt…

...Go On A Mad Tractor Dash

INDIA	CHALKY	DUFUS	SHIRT	Tractor Girls

Whilst at INVASION II, (see C,D,S…Invasion II), the friends had decided that a trip to see their favourite Large Endings’ audio babe, India Fisher (who just held off the challenge of Lisa Bowerman, and the late entry by Juliet Warner), in her touring play about Ipswich Town fans following their team in Russia, should be organised. Unfortunately, said play was not going anywhere near where our friends live. Also, when Shirt checked on the Web, it proved that the most local performances were in High Wycombe or Hemel Hempstead, and the next week. (Shirt was also interested in a performance in a farm barn - probably imagining being in an enclosed farmyard space with India, a la millions of period films with busty wenches in the hay loft). Not wishing to miss the chance to see Ms. Fisher act as well as hear her, a plan was hatched.

The performance decided upon was on a Friday in High Wycombe, and all three were working right up to the last. Shirt was concerned about how he was to meet up with the others until Chalky pointed out that he and Dufus would drive right past Shirt’s local station at the time he usually arrived there from work. In practice, this worked all the better in that Chalky and Dufus were held up in traffic, giving Shirt even more time to get to the meeting-point.

Chalky was unconvinced that they would be able to get to High Wycombe in time for the performance, but at the top speed that his car could manage, and with the strains of Radio 4’s “The News Quiz” ringing in their ears, the three tore across the Greater London area. Chalky stated that he knew where he was going (he’d said that the previous week – “The Rotherhithe Tunnel must have disappeared!” – really, I ask you), and so Dufus and Shirt kept quiet on the navigation front.

However, on entering High Wycombe, the three had trouble identifying where the “Wycombe Swan” and its smaller venue, the “Town Hall” were, using a faint map downloaded from the internet by Shirt. The road signs also proved to be confusing, and the friends ended up going round High Wycombe in a large circle, and round a large roundabout at least three times, before reaching the theatre car-park. Getting out of the car, Shirt made to pretend to “steal” a bottle of Cherry Coke which was in the shelf in the passenger door of Chalky’s car, until Chalky wearily pointed out that is was Shirt’s bottle, left on a previous occasion.

Making their way to the box-office, ticketless due to concerns over whether they’d make it in time, Shirt was worried.

“Do you think they’ll be sold out ?”, he asked.

Chalky and Dufus assured him that there would probably be a few seats left. Approaching the box-office, Shirt asked for three tickets, and peering over at the operator’s screen, could have sworn that he saw the legend “80 seats remaining”. Following the cashier’s instructions (who Dufus was sure fancied him), the three made their way round to the Town Hall, and after eating sandwiches on the steps, then going inside to read the press-cuttings and pick up a programme, the three took their seats. The auditorium looked quite empty, and Chalky was concerned how near the front they were.

“She’ll look out, see us, and think, ‘it’s those three stalkers again’ “, Chalky said.

However, the auditorium soon filled up, and the three were not so conspicuous.

The play started, and with the first act featuring a girl in just black underwear (unfortunately not India), dodgy Russian accents, dead bodies under beds, the Russian Mafia, and India in a dual role (including a hilarious old Russian woman), the play appealed to the three friends. After a quick drink from the bar, they sat back for Act Two, which featured more of the same, but slightly more violence, and less partial nudity. All too soon the cast were taking their bows, and the three applauded India most of all.

Leaving the theatre, Dufus and Shirt briefly considered waiting for India at the stage-door, but a firm “No” from Chalky meant that they simply returned to Chalky’s car, and made an equally fast dash for home, chanting “Tractor Girls, La La La. Tractor Girls, La La La” all the way.

[PL]