ALL NEW MEMBERS TO
ARLENE'S JOKE MAIL

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We have a lot going on now a lot of new people helping me out I would like to introduce however for all you new people that joined that has not seen my web site please go to it and sign the guestbook please. https://members.tripod.com/HotFloridababe/home.html Also for those members who like to help me get new subscribers please paste and copy that url above and send to people thanks :).

Introduction to my newsletter help:
wavs - Rderoos, roses3150

Jokes - mouthy4192, revajosh98, doann, lakedreams, dhenn10241, jammi1972

Links - Stardus996, roses3150, rosbud001
If you have a homepage or a web page you want me to add to my newsletter please click on the blue and send it to me! Here's my web page link Please no x rated or porno site thanks.

Birthday Editor - Jammi1972 If you would like to add your birthday to my newsletter and recieve birthday wishes send your month, day to Here's my birthday We love to have your birthday shown :).

OK now onto the JOKES:
Think about it

1. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

2. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in
charge of everything outdoors?

3. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

4. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

5. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

6. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?

7. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

8. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

9. Do married people live longer than single people or does it just
SEEM longer?

10. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are
they all still working?

11. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe
you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

12. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always
ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

13. Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing
liquid contains real lemons?

14. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

15. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

16. Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

17. Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?


SUCH A WEEK
A gentleman is returning home after a lengthy trip, and is met by his servant at the station. This is the conversation that they have on their way to his home:
"So, has anything happened while I've been away?"
"No, sir, I can't think of anything at all worth mentioning."
"Come now, I've been away for weeks. Surely something must have happened in all that time."
"Well, sir, come to think of it, your dog died."
"My *dog* died? How awful! Still, he was getting on in years, and I suppose it had to happen some time. How did he die?"
"The vet said it was probably from eating the rotten meat."
"The rotten meat? Since when do we leave rotten meat lying around for the dog to eat?"
"Well, it was the horses, sir. They'd been rotting for some time after the barn burned down."
"Good heavens. How in the world did the barn burn down?"
"It must have been some embers that blew over from the house, sir."
"The *house*? The house burnt down too? How did the house burn down?"
"Well, sir, we think someone must have knocked over a candle."
"Oh. ... Wait a moment - we don't use candles anymore to light the house! What were the candles doing there?"
"They were there for the wake, sir."
"The wake?!? Whose wake?"
"Your mother's, sir. She passed away quite suddenly."
"Oh my Lord. Mother is dead. The house is gone, along with the stable. Even my dog is dead. What did Mother die of?"
"It must have been the shock, sir."
"The shock."
"Yes, sir, the shock. When your wife ran off with the handyman the day after you left, sir. But aside from all that, it's been fairly quiet while you've been away, sir."

Malborn sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the
terrible news?" the lawyer said.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" asked Malborn incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the
terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

A cruise ship sinks and three men make it to an uninhabited island.

The first man, a Christian, tears two branches from a palm tree, creates a cross, and prays to the Lord to be saved from the island.

The second man, a Muslim, pulls several fronds from the palm tree, creates a mat, kneels facing Mecca, and prays to Allah to save him.

The third man falls asleep under the palm tree. The other two can't understand how this man could remain so calm and serene - and ask him how he could be so at ease.

He answers: "Two years ago I gave $1,000,000 to the Jewish Federation. Last year I gave $2,000,000. This year I pledged $3,000,000. Don't worry, they'll find me.

A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written.
The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.
She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a 7 word
minimum on all obituaries"
Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case,
let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983 Pickup for sale."


Joe and Moe went outside to take a leak and Joe confessed,
"I wish I had one like my cousin Junior. He needs four
fingers to hold his."

Moe looked over and pointed out, "But you're holding yours
with four fingers."

"I know," said Joe with a sigh, "but I'm peeing on three of
them."

Wedding Pains
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joe finally breaks down and decides to get married. In the weeks before, he decides to sew his oats with every girl he can. By the end of this, his penis is literally twisted and bent, so much so that the doctor has to splint it.
So, on his wedding night, Joe is naturally a little apprehensive. His new bride comes out of the bathroom, gets on the bed, spreads her legs, and says "Look, never been touched by a man."

Joe drops his boxers, revealing his splinted penis, and says "Look, still in its original crate!"

Honest

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and
the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into
tears.

Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no
Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're
telling me now that grownups don’t really "mess around", I've got nothing left to believe in!"

I will continue more jokes on page 2!


Subj: ~~~Arlene's Joke mail~~~ Part 2 JOKES
Date: 5/17/99 11:45:09 PM Eastern Daylight Time
From: WinnieDaPoohLove

A CORRECTION IN PART ONE
THAT I WANT TO CORRECT

THE CORRECT LINK TO SEND YOUR WEB PAGE IS SUBMIT MY WEB LINK TO ARLENE'S JOKE MAIL

AND THE CORRECT LINK TO SEND YOUR BIRTHDAY IS HERE'S MY BIRTHDAY <~~~~ PLEASE PUT MY BIRTHDAY IN SUBJECT LINE WHEN SENDING YOUR BIRTHDAY THANKS.

ALSO WE HAVE A GET WELL, AND PRAYER LIST PERSON HER NAME IS MZSMARTBUT@AOL.COM TO SEND IN PRAYERS/GET WELL WISHES PLEASE SEND IT TO GET WELL/ PRAYER WISHES

JOKES

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

A MOTHER'S WAGES

If I would charge one cent each time
I washed my children's clothes,
Or tied a shoe or gave a bath
Or wiped a runny nose,
Or made a bed or acted as
Their judge or referee,
It would be possible that I
Could live in luxury.

If I were paid a nickel for
Each diaper that I've pinned,
For every Band-Aid I've applied
When arms or legs were skinned,
For every toy that I've picked up
And put back in it's niche,
There wouldn't be a single doubt--
Why, I could be quite rich.

If just one dime would be my fee
For giving them a pill,
For making meals and wiping up
The milk they always spill,
For darning scores of tiny socks,
For fixing things that break,
It wouldn't be too long before
A fortune I would make.

Although it's true I don't receive
A solitary cent,
I'm repaid in many ways
For all the time I've spent.
Their smiles, their love is my reward
For this unending care,
And I am richer, yes, by far
Than any millionaire!

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." (At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)
Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"

The Sandbox

A little boy was spending his Saturday morning playing in his sandbox. He had with him his box of cars and trucks, his plastic pail, and a shiny, red plastic shovel. In the process of creating roads and tunnels in the soft sand, he discovered a large rock in the middle of the sandbox.

The lad dug around the rock, managing to dislodge it from the dirt. With no little bit of struggle, he pushed and nudged the rock across the sandbox by using his feet. (He was a very small boy and the rock was very huge.) When the boy got the rock to the edge of the sandbox, however, he found that he couldn't roll it up and over the little wall.

Determined, the little boy shoved, pushed, and pried, but every time he thought he had made some progress, the rock tipped and then fell back into the sandbox.

The little boy grunted, struggled, pushed, shoved-but his only reward was to have the rock roll back, smashing his chubby fingers.

Finally he burst into tears of frustration. All this time the boy's father watched from his living room window as the drama unfolded. At the moment the tears fell, a large shadow fell across the boy and the sandbox. It was the boy's father.

Gently but firmly he said, "Son, why didn't you use all the strength that you had available?

Defeated, the boy sobbed back, "But I did, Daddy, I did! I used all the strength that I had!

"No, son," corrected the father kindly."You didn't use all the strength you had. You didn't ask me."

With that the father reached down, picked up the rock, and removed it from the sandbox.

Marriage is like a phone call at midnight...
first comes the ring then you wake up.

A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking
parrot and taken it to their room, where much to
the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running
commentary on their love-making.

Finally, the groom threw a large towel over the
cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo
if he didn't quit it.

The next morning, packing to return home, the couple
couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said,
"Darling, you get on top, and I'll try." That didn't work.

Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said,
"Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try." Still no success.

Then he said, "Look. Let's both get on top and try."

At that point, the parrot pulled away the towel with his
beak and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this, I gotta see!"

A lady was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few gray pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates... "I know you haven't been getting much lately...but I didn't know you were so worried about it!"



There are moments in life when you miss someone so much
that you just want to pick them from your dreams
and hug them for real!

This blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a
note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read
the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably
meant 1.5 gallons, so knocked on the door to clarify the point. The
blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to
leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up
with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman said, "Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs."

Understand?

A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she spotted a
cat crouched behind a bush. She watched the cat, and the cat watched
the mice. Mother mouse barked fiercely, "Woof, woof, woof!" The cat was
so terrified that it ran for it's life.
Mother mouse turned to her babies and said, "Now, do you understand the
value of a second language?"


A depressed young woman was so desperate ,that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded 'yes'. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

NOW ON TO PART 3 LINKS