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SENTINEL COMICS #0 Prologue
The origin of the J-Street Sentinels. It begins with the first Annual Jonah - Con. Jonah Weiland and the moderators had thrown the first annual dinner for the denizens of the Weilandverse. The whole of the CBR turned out for the event and a good time was had by all. But this is a story that began during the Con. A story that would lead a group of friends into strange new worlds. A place that they would soon have to help to protect. They would, out of necessity, have to become heroes. The J-Street Sentinels. It begins with a car speeding through the desert. Prologue: Fear and Loathing in Las Weiland We were somewhere around Alvaro's on the edge of the desert when the comics began to take hold, I remember saying something like" I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe you should drive..." And suddenly there was a terrible roar around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge Batmen, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Weiland. And a voice was screaming: "Holy Jonah! What are these gol'darn Superheroes?" Then it was quiet again. Amyzon had taken her shirt off and was pouring Pepsi on her shoulders, to facilitate the tanning process. "What the heck are you yelling about, Joe?" she muttered, staring up at the sun with her eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sunglasses. "Never mind," I said. "It's your turn to drive " I hit the brakes and aimed the Great Red Flounder toward the shoulder of the highway. No point mentioning those Batmen, I thought. The poor girl will see them soon enough. It was almost 8pm, and we still had more than a hundred miles to go. They would be tough miles. Very soon, I knew, we would be completely twisted. But there was no going back, and no time to rest. We would have to ride it out. The Dinner was already underway, and we had to get there by 10 to show the guys something was wrong. The Comic wire had taken care of the reservations, along with this huge red Volkswagen convertible we'd just rented off a lot. ...and I was, after all, a professional bar & grill tender; so I had an obligation to set the story straight, for good or ill. We had also gotten $300 in cash, most of which was already spent on extremely interesting comics. The trunk of the car looked like a mobile newsstand. We had two bagged Starman collections, seventy five issues of Sandman, five copies of Watchmen, A box half full of Chronos, a whole galaxy of multi-coloured back issues, magazines, trading cards, TPBs… And also a quart of Mint Julep, a quart of Midori, a case of Pepsi, a pint of raw cookie dough flavoured ice cream and two dozen Tic – tacs. And so it begins I thought… Chapter 1: The End...and the Beginning Meanwhile at the con, people ate and drank, danced and games were played. It was about that time that people are sitting down with Port and cigars. The conversation was ambling aimlessly. A bunch of old friends sharing the end of a long night together. Suddenly the door swung open. The room went silent. What was happening? A dusty figure stood silently in the doorway. Behind him the chatters could make out a downright "nice-looking babe!" Then the shock of recognition hit! JOE GRENDEL? But he was already here! Typo Lad leapt to his feet, "What the goog is going on here??? Grendel you've already turned up late once! What is this??" The figure in the doorway strode forward. With a deft flick, he flung the Banana Daiquiri he was holding over his already present twin. Sparks started flying, then, a burst of power followed by the duplicate melting into a small puddle. Amyzon flew by Joe and grabbed Buried Alien by the head, ripping it straight off his shoulders. Another double! The crowd was stunned. "Look Joe! Could you explain what is going on here???" "Simple Typo, As you observed when you first gave your opening speech, I didn't show because I had a life. But when I did arrive late nobody questioned it.... While Joe was explaining several members of the crowd started edging towards the exits. "Stop right there!" Amyzon yelled then leapt for the nearest. Pandemonium erupted. "Quick I need help subduing these imposters!" "But he.. He’s a moderator!!" stammered Tim Drake. "That’s the idea!" yelled Amy. Duplicates gradually replaced Jonah and all the moderators over the course of the night. They're not real! ! As one the crowd leapt into action. Their numbers and battle-honed senses quickly were helping to hold the infiltrators. Typo turned to Joe, "Look! What’s the story here??!!!" "That" Joe interjected, "Is a story....” Chapter2: Crisis on Infinite Jonah’s "Amyzon and I had plans for tonight. We were on our way to see Armageddon when a mysterious masked crowd suddenly attacked us. We didn't do too well against them, until, luckily, I discovered they were vulnerable to Fruit cocktails. Amy and I took the masks off and we discovered they were androids made to look like Jonah!" The assembled crowd gasped, "GASP!" Except for Superman who felt he had to go one further "Gasp! *Choke*” Joe continued, "We searched the bodies for any other clues. All we came up with was a list of the moderator’s names and Jonah's! We headed to the dinner immediately to see if the same had happened to them..." "Damn you, Joe, this calls for a change of plan." Everyone spun at the sound of the voice. It was Jonah! "Now before anyone starts flinging Peach Frappes at me, let me explain what you have to do....” "What do you mean what we have to do???" yelled Typo Lad. "What do you think you're doing! All this is putting the Weilandverse at risk!!!!" "We have our reasons... we were going to use our "guests" to find certain objects that we desire for us.... Now I guess we'll use you lot. Our captives can serve just as well as hostages" A murmur rumbled through the crowd, Hairbutt apologized. "Now there are 6 items we require for our purposes. Why don't all of you split into teams and find them for us. Otherwise Jonah and friends will be never seen again. Then you'll see what flame wars and unnecessary posts will doom the Weilandverse to!” The ersatz Jonah then briefed everyone on the items they needed to retrieve then self-destructed. As the crowd split into various groups, Rimes was heard to mumble to Paradox, " I don’t know about you, but I have a feeling that the mystery villain is Gardner Fox.” Chapter Three: Item Number One "So, each group for an item?" Patience asked. "I don't wanna go after..." "I have no idea where to find.." "Send Tim after..." "...Is probably in Patience's ~ "Doesn't Todd... Joe Grendel wrote the six items on a sheet of paper and tore it up. He shuffled them in his hat and passed one piece to a person in each group. "Okay, now what you get, you find. No complaining, no taking back. These groups are permanent." "Okay, so what did we get, Patience?" Typo Lad asked. "Uhmmm... ooohhh..." She frowned. "The Inanimate Carbon Rod." "Well, that's just great!" "Didn't Todd run off with that?" Mac Danny said. "Yep. And it was my only one!" Patience sighed. "If I may say something..." Rob Liefeld spoke up timidly. "No!" "Yes... Rob looked gratefully at Patience and continued. "Well, I think I know where to find this Todd guy..." He took an envelope out of his pocket. It was his invitation to the dinner. "See, postmarked New Haven, Pennsylvania." "Do you think he went all the way to Pennsylvania?" Mac Danny asked. "It's as good a place as any to look." Patience took a roadmap out of her handbag. "Oh no, it's in the mountains..." "Ummm... How are we going to get there, in the first place?" Chapter Four - Item Number Two Joe Grendel wrote the six items on a sheet of paper and tore it up. He shuffled them in his hat and passed one piece to a person in each group. "Okay, now what you get, you find. No complaining, no taking back. These groups are permanent." Meanwhile, on the other side of the room.... "Oh man... do I have to be in this group?" "Quit complaining! At least we don't have to go after the Inanimate Carbon Rod!" "At least Rob Liefeld isn't in the group!" "Watch it with the wings! %$#@.&!" "Will you all BE QUIET!!!!" "Thank you sooooooooooo much." says Aztek, still trying to clean the blood off his wings. "So does anyone want to know what we are going after?" "The Taco Bell dog?" jokes Thanos. "Oh wait... I've got that dog somewhere in the Bag '0 Evil. "No, Thanos . . . Supermom's brain." replies Rydgen. "What???? You're kidding, right?" yells Bishop. "We killed her and her clones once! Now we gotta give these people her BRAIN?" "... " (Slappy is, for once, nearly speechless) "Artemis, did you see what happened to her head after I removed it from her body?" asks Aztek "Yeah, it landed in the punchbowl. I think most of the punch went on DW though. She didn't get to drink much of it." replies Artie. "0h - really funny. So where is it now?" They all turn around to look at Dream World. He is standing at the table, looking intently at the head. He seems mesmerized by it, completely ignoring the other chatters, including an unknown female chatter, who is hiding in the corner. Rydgen walks over to grab the head. "Too easy." he says. Just then, DW grabs the punchbowl and dumps it on Ry. "Death to all Weilanders!" He screams, and lights the alcohol-laden punch on fire. "ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH" screams the Unstoppable One. "This really hurts!" As everyone runs to put out the flames before they reach the bar, Dream World escapes through a teleportation field generated by the head. "Oh that went real well." rumbles Hairbutt. "Didn't see you doing anything, Hippo-breath!" retorts Bishop. "That's because I was getting water to put out Rydgen with - someone had to." "Any idea where he would go?" asks Aztek. "I think he lives in the Philippines" answers Artemis. (Who knows all, sees all...) "And they thought they had problems?" laughs Bishop, looking over at Patience. "They only have to go to Pennsylvania!" "Are there ducks there?" whispers Thanos to Artemis. "Not that I know of " lies Artie. "Oh good. The one I ate didn't agree with me." Than pulls a plane out of his Bag '0 Evil. "Take me to TV land!" he yells as he bounds on board. "Shut up Thanos" hisses Slappy. "Who gets to fly this thing?" "How did he...?" "I don't want to know...." "Patience has nothing on him..." Ry steps up still a little burnt around the edges. "I bet I can fly it!" he exclaims "But which way are the Philippines?" Chapter Five - A Mystery Villain Revealed ****Interlude**** The portal opened and Dream World stepped out into dark cramped room. "Where am I? And why am I holding a head covered in punch?" A shadowy figure in the corner chuckled. "Don't worry about it. You're um, sleeping! Yeah that's it! Just give me the head and you'll wake up, back in bed. Heheheheh" "Umm.... Okay? I guess. Here, take it." ****End interlude**** Meanwhile, somewhere over the Pacific Ocean; Our brave heroes, crowded into the tiny plane pulled from Thanos' Bag '0 Evil, formulate their battle strategy. "Watch the damn wings Aztek!" snarled Bishop. "Oh, sorry man," mutters Aztek as he retracts his wings. "Fish" "Shut Up Thanos!" "..." Replied Slappy. "Hey guys, what's this?" Artemis asks as she picks up a scrap of orange cloth that had stuck to her boot. "Ewww, it's all sticky with dried punch" "Let me see that" "Sure Bishop" "Fish!" "Shut Up Thanos!" "..." "Hey, this piece of cloth looks like it came from a... Buddhist monk's robe! You don't suppose..." Glances are exchanged back and forth, tension mounts, and finally Aztek says... "What is it Bishop? A clue?" "Yeah, and I only know one Buddhist robe wearing chatter with the gall to pull something like this. Ry, we're going to the Big Apple!" Rygden, still in the cockpit, trying to work out the controls, changed course for New York. ****Later, in the upstairs hallway of a suburban home in Long Beach, New York**** "There it is gang, the entrance to the infamous Zen Cave, lair of the Zen Reaper” Bishop informs his comrades. "..." "Slappy, I KNOW it's just an attic. But HE calls it the Zen Cave okay?" "Click" "Who said 'click'?" Thanos asks. "Not me." "Me neither" "Nope" "..." "Uhhmm, guys, I think that was a sound effect. It happened when Ry stepped on that little red button on the floor." "Does anyone else hear a ticking sound. You know, like from a clock, or a...." *BOOOM* Chapter Six - Fish Heads, Fish Heads... All the brave (yeah right) chatters wake up, and they we in a pitch-black room and it smells like lots of raw... fish. "Ooh.. That smarts . . . where ARE we?" "We must be in Zen’s attic...." "Why are we tied up?" "Zen musta tied us up!" "I smell a rat!" "Actually, I smell fish...." "Shut UP Thanos!" "..." "Actually, I DO smell fish!" "Hey...so do I!" "Whoa..Get a whiff o'that, will you!” "Ok, so let's look at our situation. We are in Zen’s attic, and we are tied up. Surrounded by flesh of long-dead fish. What the hell do we do next?!?!?" Artemis speaks up. "Are you sure that's fish we are smelling?" "It's too dark in here to see what kind, but I am pretty sure that's fish" replies Thanos. "You know, If I open my wings, I can probably have us free in a... " "NO!!!!!" screams the group in unison. "What are you trying to do, kill us all?" "I am still quite attached to my head where it is, thanks anyway, AZ!" "You already cut me in half once, you idiot!" "Ugh...." "Hey.. What’s that noise?" A low creaking sound is issuing from the floorboards. Apparently, Zen Reaper's attic was not meant to support the combined weight of all the fish, six chatters, and a Hippo. The whole thing gives way... landing them, still tied, into Zen's living room. (Well, except for Aztek, who opened his wings anyway.) Aztek starts cutting the others free, most of whom are too busy looking at the fish to notice. "They all have little JN heads!" "Oh gross.... "Hey AZ… How long is it gonna take you to get THAT out of your wings?" "Just shut up or I might slip a little while I'm cutting you free!" "You think that's bad? Get a load of this!" "AAAAAAAAHHHHH' It's a duck!" "No it isn't, Thanos that's Zen. ZEN? Oh CRAP~" Oddly enough, Zen Reaper either doesn't notice his attic caving into his living room, or he doesn’t care. Either way, he doesn't look up, either at the noise, or the chatters, or the farting Hippo. "Uh, sorry" "No worse than the smell of the fish, Hairbutt" Rydgen charges at Zen, hoping to knock the villain senseless.... And runs headfirst into a forcefield. It knocks him flat on his back, all the way across the room, and through a china cabinet. "That had to hurt..." "Ugh..." "Nah, just tickled a little bit." Zen looks up at the fish- covered "heroes" and laughs evilly. "Now that I have your attention..." Chapter Seven - Security Police bite Zen looks up at the fish- covered "heroes" and laughs evilly. "Now that I have your attention..." With that, Zen tosses the head to Rydgen, as two walls open up, revealing a squadron of Security Police from Leavenworth Military Prison. "Uh-oooooooohh" Rydgen said weakly, knowing what was about to happen. "Yes," Zen says as the SPs approach Ry,"1 know your a special agent for the US Air Force, Rydgen. 1 have contacted the appropriate military personnel, alerting them of a little incident involving a ball room mill of underage drunks, and you being the party responsible for their condition. Add to that possession of a dismembered head, and I guess you can guess the rest." "How can I be responsible?! I can't even buy alcohol!" Ry responded, struggling against the waves of SPs. Using the last of his reserves, (Ry gets his strength from photosynthesis, so since it's nite, and getting burned pretty badly, and hitting that force field, he's a tad low on strength right now) he calls to Aztek, "Catch! And throws him the head before the SPs can get it. "Nooooo!!!," Zen yelled. Aztek catches the head, and flies through a window, calling to the rest of the group, "We've got the head! Strategic retreat!!" Hairbutt goes first, plowing any SPs in the way, making a path for everyone else to get through. As everyone regroups at the Plane form Thanos's Bag 0' Evil, Artemis does a head count. "..." "Yeah, it does feel like we forgot something..." "We got the head." "It's time for bed." "As long as there's no ducks here." "We're short one member!!" Artemis exclaims. _______________________________________________ Outside of Zen's CAVE OF ZEN, Rydgen is escorted by a large group of SPs. "Hey guys, what's with you? I'm a friggin' superhero! You can't arrest me! And stop using those zap rods!! You're burning my flannel! As if it wasn't burnt enough!!" "Will you shut UP?!" a Staff Sergeant yells at Ry. They come to a pretty big cargo helicopter conveniently parked a little ways from the Cave of Zen. "Noooo, I will NOT!! If you don't let me go, I'll have to use force!" With that, an officer pulls out a gadget and points it at Rydgen. He presses a button, and like a tazer, two pins shoot out into Ry's Chest, paralyzing him. “H-h-h-h-holy g-g-g-g-g-gouvn-n-n-n-na-a-a-aaaaaaaaugh!!!!" Ten troops take the now limp Rydgen into the copter, close it up, and head for Leavenworth. Chapter 8 Ten troops take the now limp Rydgen into the copter, close it up, and head for Leavenworth. Slowly, Rydgen the Unstoppable regains consciousness. He's still in a helicopter, surrounded by Air Force Security Police. Rydgen: "Come on guys, why are you doing this? I mean, working for a lunatic in Buddhist robes who carries around farm implements. Come on ...sheesh." Staff Sgt.: "Hey, he said he was an Admiral." Rydgen: "Guys, we DON'T have Admirals in the Air Force. That's the Navy!" Staff Sgt.: "Don't try any of your fancy double-talk on us flannel boy. We've received the finest training available from the US military! Now shut up and enjoy the ride. You're going to meet the Doctor. He's got some questions for you. Mwahahahaha" ****Back in the Thanos’ Plane**** Slappy: "..." Thanos: "You're right Slap! Artemis can't count. We're missing more than just Rydgen. Where's Bishop? We forgot Bishop!" Artemis: "So sue me. I was in a hurry." Aztek: "Um, guys?" Thanos: "Just a minute Aztek. We gotta go back for Bishop!" Aztek: "Guys!" Artemis: "Hang on Aztek! Thanos is right. We can't just leave Bishop behind." Aztek: "GUYS!!" Thanos: "Alright, Ry, turn the plane around. We gotta go back." Aztek: ~~*Sigh*~~ Slappy: "..." Artemis: "Oh my God! If Ry's not here, who's flying the plane?" Aztek: "That's what I've been trying to tell you guys! No one's flying the plane!" Thanos: "Is it that the Statue of Liberty in front of us?" All: ''AAAAAHHHHHH! ! ! ! ! ! ****Long Beach, New York**** Bishop: "Oh. My aching head. Where am I?" Mrs. Reaper: "In my Living Room! Where'd all these fish come from? Why is the Attic in the Living Room?" Bishop: "Uhhhmmm… It's a long story?" Mrs. Reaper: "Start talking mister!" Chapter 9 "I ask again, Bishop," Mrs. Reaper asked. "What are FISH doing in my living room? The Fish stains on the couch will NEVER come out." It had been close to an hour since the plane, containing such things as a big Hippo and a man whom rarely says ANYTHING but 'duck' had taken off, stranding Bishop alone in the dreaded Zen Liar... which is really an Attic. Don't ask. "Umm... how should I know? It's your attic," Bishop said. "Attic? What attic? Dare you talk about the supreme Zen Liar as a simple ‘attic’?" "Sorry..." Bishop HAD to stall. He didn't have the answers Mrs. Reaper was looking for. Or, at least, he didn't want to tell. "Say... do I smell something BURNING?" ~"WHAT?!?!" Mrs. Reaper sped out of the attic..."Zen Liar" and into the kitchen. Bishop heard a scream. "My Zen muffins! They're burned!" Perfect, Bishop thought. His escape plan began to take shape... He jumped off the couch, and quickly jumped out the window of the att... "Zen Liar". Damn, he thought. He glanced at the door. I ALWAYS have to take the creative route, don't I, he thought again. He heard another scream. "Bish! Come back! I command you! I want to show you the 'Zen Rub!'. Bishop thought: Tempting... very tempting... but no! I must wait for my teammates..! They left me all alone! Those bastards. Why did they do that? Artemis, probably... she never COULD do good head counts... So there he was. On the run from Mrs. Reaper... and no way home without Thanos's Plane... Uh-Oh. Chapter 10: Cockpit Antics Thanos: 'Is it that the Statue of Liberty in front of us?" All.. "AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "I'm going to find out who is flying this thing," Hairbutt the Hippo says as he makes his way for the cockpit door. "Noooooo!! !" "Your weight in the cockpit will make the nose go down!!" “I don't feel good." "No worries..." He enters the cockpit, or rather his upper torso does, since his hippo butt is to big to get all the way through the cockpit door, and looks in the pilot's seat to see... "My god!! The head's flying the plane!!" exclaims a startled hippo. Then the plane takes a more severe nose down and descends even faster, throwing everyone in the back of the plane to the front, bouncing off of Hairbutt's rear. "Hairbutt!!" Aztek yells. "Get outta the cockpit, we're unbalanced!" "Too right!" Hair says as he backs out of the cockpit, pushing everyone backwards as well. After Hair shifts his weight, and the plane levels out, Artemis asks, "So who's flying this thing?" "I say it's an evil duck, since they fly" "Maybe remote control?" "Actually," Hair says, "the head is flying." "Then lets take it-" "If we take from the cockpit, then no one will be flying, and we'd be worse off than before." "Looks like we'll just have to see where it takes us." "Which, as before, looks like right into the Statue of Liberty!!!" "Resume panic positions!!" “ugh!” "I think I'm gonna lose my dinner!!" "Oh great." Our heroes resume screaming. “AAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuugh!!!" 'Damn I'm bored,' Rydgen thinks as the helicopter flies ever closer to Leavenworth. "Hey guys, you wouldn't happen to have one of those travel MB games, like Yatzee, or Trouble, or anything, would ya?" "For the umpteenth time, NO!" a Senior Airman next to Ry retorts. "And don't even think of asking about charades again!" "Nuts." After a few minutes, the Major in the front calls out, "All right, dawn is approaching, and we're almost there, so get the prisoner prepped." "'Prepped'??! What am I, a science experiment?" "We know all about you, Mr. Unstoppable and your weaknesses," the Major explains as the other troops start strapping Ry up. "As an undercover agent, you should know that we keep tabs on all freaks-" "We prefer the term, 'normally challenged' "ZZZZZAAAAAPPP!!! "Dammit, I said stop! My toes are twitching involuntarily as it is!!" "If I may continue? Good. We keep tabs on folks such as yourself, and we know exactly how to keep you contained if needed. Since the sun gives you your strength, we'll have to put you in a box that lets no light in." As the Major says this, Rydgen is shoved into a black box marked Unstoppable-Handle however you like "We’ll be landing within the hour. Hope you enjoyed the flight, Rydgen. Mwahahahahahahahaaaa!!!" "Why does everyone on this copter laugh like that?" (Author's note: Hi, I’m Rydgen, the author. I apologize for my overuse of the word "cockpit", but nowadays "cockpit" is considered politically incorrect, and they've replaced "cockpit" with "flight deck" in the military, so as not to offend anyone who would find "cockpit" in any way offensive. So I took this opportunity to get all of my "cockpit" frustration out. Thank you, and keep in mind, "cockpit" is now "flight deck" Rydgen the Unstoppable) Chapter 11: After that Carbon Rod! (Since we all seem to have forgotten Patience & crew...) Meanwhile, back at the dinner Patience is still looking at the roadmap. “Ummmm . . . how are we going to get there, in the first place?" "Maybe we can borrow Thanos' plane when they get done?" "They'll probably crash it." "Well, we don't have that much time to waste, anyway." interjects Patience. "And you call yourself Patience? Why?" asks Rob Liefeld. "Well, the moderators probably are tired of being held captive.. Don’t you think?" "Oh..." "And why am I explaining myself to ROB LIEFIELD, anyway? Just sit down while I think of something. And BE QUIET!" She glowers at Rob, and he sits down immediately and starts playing with Cybermaster's toys. "Ok, let's see if I have anything in my purse that can help us out of this mess... Suddenly Bookhouse arrives and starts taking notes. "I wish you wouldn't do that..." she says, as she pulls a black shape out of her purse. "Anyway, I found what I was looking for. See?" "Hey, that's great... "Wow! What is it?" "Yeah, totally cool. A…black … Thing That's really going to help us get to Pennsylvania." "You mean you don't know what that is? What kind of comic book geeks are you?" Pipes up a young, slightly annoying voice. "It's a hole." "0h no, not him!" "ANYONE but him... please..." "These are your toys? Cool stuff man. Where's your Fighting American TM figure?" "Fighting American TM sucks!" replies Cybermaster. “AHEM!" interrupts Patience. "Cybermaster IS correct, for once. It is an ACME TM Port- a- Role. Like the ones in all the Roadrunner cartoons" "Can I come, can I, can I, can I? Please? At least I knew what she had!" whines Cybermaster. "NO!" screams Mac Danny. "Over my DEAD BODY is he going with us!" Patience hangs the hole on the wall. "Well, I don't see why not. Maybe he can help us. You have to give people a chance once in a while, Mac." Mac shoots Patience a withering look, and they all go through the hole.... Only to step out into a room with the universal symbol for "radioactivity" on the door. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!" "Oh my god.. .Where are we? A nuclear reactor? We're all gonna diiiiiie!" shrieks Liefeld. "Calm down, Rob" soothes Patience. "I'm sure we are quite safe where we are. This isn't part of the plant, it's a break room for the employees. Lucky for us, there aren't any here right now. "Why didn't the hole take us to the address on the envelope?" asks Mac. "Well, I was thinking about finding the Inanimate Carbon Rod.. .Maybe it is here somewhere." As the intrepid group of chatters tears the breakroom apart looking for the ICR, someone quietly opens the door and walks in behind them. "WHAT do you people think you are doing in here?" booms a voice from behind them. "Oh S#*t..." "We've had it." "Um, you see, it's like this..." starts Mac. "We're the cleaning crew! And boy, did we get here just in time! Look at this mess! Do you know how many health violations you have here? DO YOU? And look at this! This was in the coffeemaker!" Everyone turns to look at Cybermaster. He is holding a can of Dow TM Scrubbing Bubbles. "Listen here, kid..." the man starts. "Stay right here! I need to go check on this.... I don't think you people have clearance to be in here." he turns and walks out the door. As he leaves, they hear: "DOH!… No wonder the coffee tasted like $#@%! "Ok…so now what do we do?" Chapter 12 “What’s happened?” There was an eerie silence. The Hippo looked out a window. “Interesting. It appears that the head has somehow flown us through some sort of interdimensional portal somehow connected to the Statue of Liberty. All I can see is grey swirling mists.” “Cool!” “…” Aztek stood up. “Well we might as well find out where we are now! Lets have a look.” Grabbing the head, the friends all disembarked from the plane and looked around. All they could see in every direction was swirling grey mists. “Looks like Limbo.” Bishop commented “How would you know?” “Something I learned from comic books…” The injured Bishop retorted. Artemis piped up. “What do we do now?” Az paused. “Weeeeell…we could go through that floating door over there….” The others turned. There was an ordinary, everyday door floating in the mist. “Lets go.” Az stated. Aztek opens the door and they now find themselves surrounded by.... Ducks. Lots, and lots, of ducks. They were everywhere. They scattered the around the ground, running amok. Big ducks. Little ducks. Ugly ducklings. They were all there. "Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod," Thanos yelped, as he began to run like a little schoolgirl back into the plane. The rest of the heroes stayed outside, marveling at the ducks. "Where ARE we," Hairbutt asked. "..." "Yeah, I think Slappy's right," Aztek said. 'An alternate reality. Damn. I hope we aren't drawn by Rob Liefeld" "The HORROR! The HUMANITY! " Came from inside the plane. "Oh, yeah. What are we gonna do about Thanos? His Duck Phobia won't let him come out said Artemis, as she checked the plane, "... and it doesn't look like this old plane will fly for a while." Talking amongst themselves, the heroes decided to pave a road for Thanos to walk through They pushed the ducks aside, and, after about an hour's work, a small path was made so that Thanos could walk around without stepping over any ducks. "Thanos," Hairbutt said. He walked into the plane, and came out carrying Thanos. "Well, Thanos STILL won't walk out here, but he agreed to come out if I would carry him. Small sacrifice." So the people, a hippo, a head, and an ever-scared Thanos made there way out into the world. It was desert, and no other people were in sight. "Eeew," Thanos said. "Hairbutt, did that come from YOU?" "Sorry, mate." Suddenly, the millions of ducks started to 'quack' at once. "Ohmygod their gonna kill us..." Thanos said. "...." "Slappy's right again, guys!" Aztek said. "They seem to be... changing?" Aztek was right. They started to grow... and grow... and grow. After a blood-curling scream by Thanos, the ducks started to close on the heroes. "Stand ready, guys,” Hairbutt said. "Be ready for anything." Suddenly a duck jumped at Aztek. "Hey, you stupid duck, put me down! I mean it! I don't like being in your beak!" Then the rest of the ducks attacked, all at once. Hairbutt dropped Thanos as he was hit by a duck and thrown a couple yards. "That does it..." Hairbutt said. It was quite a sight. The Hippo, of a marvelous weight came rushing at the duck, and broke it into a million pieces. "Whoa! They're robots!" "Click! They have found our secret, ducklings. Click!" A duck said. "Ohmygod they can talk!" Thanos screamed. Suddenly, though, the ducks started to... merge? Yes, they all merged into one giant duck, and it loomed before our heroes. "Together we form Zen Duck, the mightiest thing in the known universe. We cannot be stopped... and we will kill you, you pitiful earthlings. Artemis said... "Did they say, 'Zen Duck'?" Chapter 13: back to the break room Chapter?? Meanwhile back in the break room.... "Oh cripes what are we to do now! Exclaimed Cybermaster.. Patience: "Don't wet your pants Cybermaster, there must be something in my purse that can help us." (Patience rummages through purse) Outside footsteps can be heard. Klop Klop Klop. Cybermaster:" Aww cripes If only I had Spawn or Lyta Alexander, then I could do something.." (Everyone shakes his or her head) Mac Danny: "Dammit I told you we shouldn't have brought him.. Gimme those bubbles you." (Mac Danny takes the bubbles from Cybermaster) "Ok Everybody hold on!!" (Mac Danny Vigorously shakes the can of Scrubbing Bubbles) Then the door opens. The security force enters forcefully and demands, "Come with us now or We'll ask again!!" Mac Danny cracks off the lid and releases the bubbles sending thousands of adorable scrubbers at the would be rent-a-cops. Cybermaster: "They ARE adorable! Mac Danny: "I told you they were adorable, and powerful!" (the bubbles quickly overcome and subdue everything not tied down) Patience: "Wow, this place is spotless!" Cybermaster:" Feeh, Ben Kingsely with the power of Optimus Prime could have done that" Mac Danny: (glowering) "yeah Whatever. I told you we shouldn't have brought him.." Patience: (pulling a skateboard from her purse) "Lets go before more come back." Chapter 14: Breakroom Interlude Patience: (pulling a skateboard from her purse) "Lets go before more come back." Back at the power plant... "So how are we going to find this thing, Patience?" asks Typo Lad. "Let me look in my purse, I'm sure I still have It." she replies. "Still have what?" asks Liefeld. "The Inanimate Carbon Rod Detector. I got it because I kept losing the Carbon Rod in the first place" she answers, still digging in her purse. "AHA! Got it" Patience pulls the "Inanimate Carbon Rod Detector" from her purse... and it starts beeping loudly. "Well, it IS here somewhere!" she says. "Hey! You dropped something!" says Cybermaster, picking up Hairbutt's Magnum. "Cybermaster! NO!" screams Patience, trying to grab the gun away from the youth... The gun goes off... "AAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" "You shot Rob Liefeld in the foot!!" screams Patience. A head pops through the Acme port - a - Hole, which is still hanging on the wall. "What was that?" asks Ender. "Cybermaster shot Liefeld in the foot." answers Typo Lad "Dammit, can't you aim Cybermaster?? His HAND!! His HAND!!!" screams Ender. Ender snatches the gun away from Cybermaster. That does it. No more toys for you! I never thought I would say this…but go back to the Dinner. Both of you!" he waves the gun at Liefeld. "Don't make me use this on you!" Liefeld and Cybermaster both go through the hole... "I better take this thing down. When these Security guards wake up, we don't want them showing up at the dinner." says Patience, folding up the hole and putting it in her purse. They open the door to the breakroom and walk out into the plant... "Now wait just a minute... This looks just like... like..." Patience stammers. The beeping from the detector grows louder as they walk past an office. "D'OH! This coffee really does taste bad. MMMMM.. Donuts." "Just keep going, everyone... it's this way. Just a few more feet." mutters Patience, glancing in the door to the office. They have come to a much larger office door. Patience opens the door, and inside.. The Carbon Rod, and a shadowy figure. "Excellent..." "AHHHHH! "Screams Typo. "It's Mr. Durns… umm, Mr. Burns!" "Actually, it's Evil Sneak." replies Patience. "So, are you in on this plot too?" Thanks to Patience for the "Shooting Liefeld" joke..it was her idea, not mine! Aztek, giving credit where credit is due! Chapter 15 In Limbo: "Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod...." Thanos is frantically trying to find his "Duck gun", which is hidden deep inside the Bag 'O Evil...and is having zero luck. The Zen Duck is STILL plodding towards him, with a evil glint in its mechanical eyes. "You will be the first to die, human!" it proclaims. Thanos gives up finding the gun, and settles on his magic whiffle bat. He looks up at the duck... And runs. "Just what we needed. A giant metal duck. Remind me to thank Zen Reaper for this if we get out of this alive!" yells Artemis over the grinding sound of the duck's gears. The duck, meanwhile, is chasing Thanos around the desert landscape, even as Artie is hitting it with numerous arrows. "Kinda fixated on Thanos, isn't it?" asks Hairbutt. "Yeah, but he is keeping ahead of it pretty well, isn't he, Slappy?" notes Aztek. "Who would have figured he could run that fast?" "Stop just standing there and HEEEEELLLLLPPPPP MEEEEE!" screams Thanos on his umpteenth circle around the group of chatters, who are leaning on the ruins of the plane. "Than... we have tried EVERYTHING we could think of! That thing still has some of my feathers stuck in its bill. We just don't have the strength, or the firepower, to take it out." says Az. "Maybe if you keep running it will run out of fuel?" suggests Artemis, still shooting ineffective arrows at the creature. “GAAAAAAAAAAAA ….. Haaaaaaaiiiiiiiirbutt! Shoot it! Shoot it! "Oh yeah, forgot about that! No worries, Thanos… maybe I ..." Hairbutt reaches for his gun, only to find it missing. "On second thought, Thanos. . . worry!" *************************** At the power plant... a shot is heard... followed by a scream.... *************************** Meanwhile, back on Long Beach: .... a very angry Mrs. Zen Reaper is throwing burned muffins at a cornered Bishop. "OW! Listen, Mrs. Reaper…. If your husband hadn't have tied us up in the attic..." "The Supreme Zen Lair is NOT an attic, you little simpleton!" "Uum, ok... If Zen hadn't tied us up in the Zen Lair, you wouldn't have fish stains on your BEAUTIFUL couch right now, now would you? So this is his entire fault! He's crazy! He wants to take over the world! With mutated fish! Did you LOOK at those fish, Mrs. Reaper?" screams Bishop. She looks up at him like she is going to slap him. "Don't take that tone with ME young man!" "I'm so sorry, really I am…I didn't mean to scream at you…I was just so frightened...." Bish senses that he is winning her over. Now for the coup d'etat. Sad puppy - dog eyes. He gives her his best look... "Will you PLEASE help us out now? Please? I'll even try one of your muffins. They aren't really burned that badly." offers the still scared Bishop. (Mostly scared because he really doesn't want to know what a "Zen Rub" is...) Mrs. Reaper looks at him thoughtfully. "MY sweet, innocent Zen wants to take over the world? Not if I have anything to say about it he won't!!!!!" Mrs. Reaper has an annoyed look on her face... "Let me show you the one person my husband is afraid of. Come with me" She leads Bishop back into the house... er, Zen Lair... ...and then into the War Room. (Which is also known as the garage.) "You see how obsessed he is? He is so convinced that this guy is after him…and from what I understand, the man is on a CRUISE! For Pete's sake…this guy doesn't even know who Zen is, he's so relaxed, he's probably sipping Margaritas on some island paradise RIGHT NOW.. Which is where I would be, if Zen really loved me, and he would get his mind off of this sick obsession…If I didn't love him so much I'd...." Mrs. Reaper trails off...a sad, misty look in her eyes. "Can you get hold of him?" Bishop asks, pointing at one of the photographs. "Sure! Here's his phone number!" replies Mrs. Reaper, handing Bish a piece of paper. "One more thing.., "Sure, what?" "Can I use your phone Mrs. Reaper?" "Is it local?" ************************ ...Limbo again.... “Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! Help!" yelps the ever-tiring Thanos. "Yawn......" "Than, I'm out of arrows! What do you want me to do??? Flash the stupid thing?" snaps Artemis. Slappy looks at her expectantly. "I was being sarcastic!" "..." "Get over it, Dammit!" Aztek is trying to sever the Zen Duck's head.. With little success. So far, there is a shallow score mark on the monster's throat.. And AZ has been thrown to the ground so many times, even Bookhouse would have lost count, had he been there. Hairbutt, meanwhile, has been throwing large boulders at the duck…. And missing... "HEY! Watch it! There are people flying up here!" shouts AZ, as a boulder narrowly misses him. "Sorry! I wish I had my revolver…I am a better shot with that than I am at chucking rocks..." replies a sheepish Hippo. "Hey! What's that glow?" yells Artie at the others. "Dunno. It looks... familiar..." whispers Aztek "LOOK OUT BELOW!" screams a glowing, silver - shielded Bishop. "COWABUNGA!" Bishop slams into the Zen Duck's head, smashing it to an instantaneous pulp. Gears shoot out for miles in every direction. A lone "Quack” is heard. "Hey Silver Lantern! That was fun! Can I do it again?" "But...I thought..." "!" "Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou" stammers Thanos, who then passes out from exhaustion. Silver Lantern rings the plane back together, and on the way back to the Dinner: "Well....I leave you people alone for a few weeks, and look what happens! You lose Jonah and most of the moderators.. You let Aztek kill the leading cloning scientist at UCLA...Ok, she was a bit misguided, and wanted to take over Jonah's with an army of mindless miscreant posters who have no respect for anyone else..." "Your point?" asks Aztek. "Well.. Rydgen is being held in Leavenworth prison because of it..." "..." "SHUT UP! I don't want to hear it! Yells Aztek. "No Worries, AZ. You just did what you thought was right. "SuperMom" was about to lay a lip - lock on ol' Rydgen, so you beheaded her! Exactly what any sane person with razor sharp metal wings would do!" laughs Hairbutt. "I give up. By the way.. Who’s got the head?" ***************************** Leavenworth, late evening... "So, what's your sign, babe? You like Polka music?" Rydgen asks Major Linsley S. Fletcher, MD.. A nice looking cousin of the Marquis de Sade, who is hitting Ry with enough juice to jump start a dozen Mack trucks. ZZAAAAPP! "Hey! I have had just about enough of that!" ZZZZAAAAPPPP!!!!!! "You know, I am kinda beginning to enjoy this!" "Just shut up, Plant-Boy! No more talking, or I'll set your sorry ass on fire!" "..." "MUCH better. Now put the VR visor on." "It looks like a flowerpot! I'm not putting that stupid looking thing on my head! It looks like it came right out of a DEVO video!" "You want me to get out the flame-thrower, freak?" “Um . . . lemme think..." ZZZAAAP!!!!! Ow.... Ok, ok..." Rydgen puts the flowerpot / helmet on his head... "Begin the process. By morning, he will be ours!" Mysteries, cover-ups and Beer ************************** Rydgen found that he was in a dark room. He could see a tiny dot of light threading through the keyhole, hinting at the exit. He walked further forward and saw the keyhole get bigger. Walking further forward, he realized it was large enough to step through. Rydgen found that he was in a light room. He could see a tiny dot of darkness threading through the keyhole, hinting at the exit. He walked further forward and saw the keyhole get bigger. Walking further forward, he realized it was large enough to step through. Rydgen found that he was in a dark room. He could see a tiny dot of light threading through the keyhole, hinting at the exit. ************************** They had returned to the Dinner Party; the place where it all started. Hairbutt and Aztek went and sat by the window, while the rest of the heroes went elsewhere, talking, mingling and drinking. "Give me a cold one," Bishop said to the bar tender. "... You don't look 21, kid. I'd swear you looked 13. But-- whoa! You're BISHOP, right?" “Yeah. Why?" "I've been watching you heroes ever since you left! We guys were amazing!" "Huh?? You were watching us? How?" Bishop asked. "On the news! It's on CNN across the country! The whole country knows about the six items you guys have to-- Bishop?" It was no use. Bishop had already jumped from his seat, and ran over to Hairbutt. After a couple seconds, Bishop had told Hairbutt and Aztek the whole story. Artemis and the others soon gathered around, shocked. "How could this be? How did the whole country know about the imposters and the six items?" Thanos said. Hairbutt replied, "... I think I know. AZ, follow me. Were going to take a trip. And the rest of you-- if the next item shows up, I want Artemis to lead the team to get it-- understood?" They all said "yes". A few minutes later, Hairbutt and Aztek were flying through the air, headed again for the Zen Liar. Well...Aztek was flying, Hairbutt was just holding on for dear life. "Jeez, Hairbutt..! Can you say, 'diet'?" Aztek said, about to pass out from the strain. "Sorry, mate. Were almost there, so just keep going steady." "Yeah..." Az replied. "Easy for you to say." And within moments, Aztek and Hairbutt were standing right in front of the attic... er, 'Zen Lair'. "So, what do we do, Hairbutt?" Aztek asked. "Why didn't we bring the others? We can't take on Zen Reaper by ourselves." "Were not trying to. We just came here to get some answers." "And you expect ZEN REAPER-- the same man who tried to kill us with the Zen Duck-- to just answer our every question?" "Yes..." Hairbutt motioned to his jacket, which held a 12-pack of beer. "I do believe I have a way to get Zen to talk." "You think--" a voice from behind them spoke. "You can make me reveal my master plan with BEER?" "Zen!" Az yelled. "Actually, Zen..." Hairbutt pointed to the label--'100% Zen Beer'-- "I just wanted to know if you wanted a cold one." It was getting late back at the dinner party. Thanos had long since passed out, still exhausted from the Zen Duck. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!" Thanos yelled. Bishop looked at Artemis. "He must be having another nightmare." "That boy and his ducks..." Artemis trailed off Suddenly two lone figures stood at the doorway. One was rather large, the other rather small... "Hairbutt! Aztek!" Bishop yelled. "You're back!" "Where did you guys go?" Artemis asked. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!" "Will someone go and turn Thanos OVER, please?" "Well," Hairbutt started. "We went to... the Zen Liar." "..." "Slappy's right! You shouldn't have gone alone! You could have been killed!" "But we weren't... and we have all of Zen Reaper's secrets, as well." Chapter 17: Emerald Zero Crisis of the Millenium Weilanders *****Back at JonahCon***** All the chatters have reassembled to hear Hairbutt and Aztek reveal the plans they've tricked out of a poor defenseless, drunk Zen Reaper. Hairbutt: "And then when he's replaced the world's supply of potato chips with low-sodium fat free snacks he's gonna..." At this point Wesley Dodds belched loudly. Silver Lantern: "Do you mind Wes? We're trying to figure out how to stop Zen's mad plans for world domination!" Aztek: "And worst of all, we haven't told you yet how he's gonna make that Superman movie starring Nicholas Cage!" Wes; "Wesley Dodds Law of Comic book Physics #78" Artemis: "What are you babbling about Wes?" Patience: "No, wait, let's give Wes a chance now... Wes: "Just when you've got the villain's plan figured out, it's time for a plot twist." Thanos: "I don't get it." Slappy: "...." Bishop: "You mean Zen's been setting us up all along? This whole quest for items and Zen Ducks and stuff was a distraction?" Thanos: "You had to mention that damn duck again!" Bishop: "Sorry man." Wesley Dodds: "That's basically it. While he's had you all scurrying around, his real plan has been reaching fruition." Mac Danny: "Well, you could have mentioned this earlier!" Wes: "I wasn't done drinking my wine." Hairbutt: "Oh no...." Artemis: "What?" Hairbutt; "I farted again, sorry..." Aztek: "So what could Zen hope to accomplish by kidnapping Jonah and the moderators? Threatening the whole Weilandverse. . Oh No!" Artemis: "You didn't fart too did you?" Aztek: "NO! Zen Reaper's gonna Retcon the Weilandverse!!!!" Rob Liefeld: "Cool man...Weiland Reborn!" Everyone: "SHUT UP!" Mac Danny: "Hey, where's Rydgen?" *****Back in Leavenworth***** Rydgen: "Wow man, what a trip. Zen? Is that you?" Zen Reaper: "Yup, sleep well?" Ry: "Uhmmm sure. I had the strangest dream though..." Zen: "Just a dream Ry. Are you ready to destroy our enemies?" Ry: "You bet! Just let me at those evil Weilanders!" Zen: "First, have some of this..." Ry: "Sure, what's ACME MUTAGENIC PLANT FOOD?" Zen: "Uhmmm, it's like vitamins. Now drink up, those naughty Weilanders mustn't stop us! We will remake the Weilandverse!" Mrs. Reaper: "Zen? Do you and Mr. Unstoppable want some muflins?' Zen: "IM BUSY!!!! Chapter 18: Pass the Pepto Mrs. Reaper: "Zen? Do you and Mr. Unstoppable want some muffins? Zen: "I'M BUSY!!!!" Rydgen downs the ACME MUTAGENIC PLANT FOOD in seconds. Brrrrrrrraaaaaaaapppppppp!! "Heh, pardon me,” Rydgen said, wiping his mouth. "So what's this supposed to do, anyway, man?" Zen gets another evil grin, "It will work on your chlorophyll subcells in your system, mutating them by 300%! Then you will become 500% stronger, well enough to wipe out those evil Wielanders!" "If they're so evil, then why are you grinning evil--" Ry's eyes open wide, his face becoming pale (well, paler than it's been from the lack of sun), as he starts shaking with what appears to be rage. He jumps up lightning quick, well, almost that quick. 'Oh no,' Zen thinks, as fear overpowers his grin, 'the brainwashing isn't as permanent as I thought it would be!' Zen assumes the position as Ry dashes right at him and jumps right over, and keeps going, until he reaches the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. "What the hell?" Zen blurts. Suddenly, an explosive sound, as of a waterfall ending its journey into a river below, emanates from the john. Zen slaps his face in disappointment. ***************************** Back at the dinner. MacDanny: "Hey where's Rydgen?" "Good question" Hairbutt answers. "...." "That's right, Slappy! We forgot he was taken to Leavenworth!." Artemis exclaims. "What could they be doing to him?" "I thought he escaped by jumping out a window" "Leavenworth?" "He's toast" "Maybe they'll put him in a pit filled with poisonous, space rabies infected, carnivorous, man-eating, blood thirs--!!" "Do NOT say ducks!" "Wait, let's not lose our minds over this... "Aztek begins. "Right, we can think this through, after a few more drinks." Wes agrees. ************************ Back at Leavenworth, half an hour later... "Aren't you finished yet??" Zen yells at the bathroom door. "No, I'm not done…Nnnngh...yet!! I can't stop!! I need something to absorb all these excess vitamins! !" Ry calls back from the toilet. "Tch tch tch," Mrs. Reaper says from behind her husband, spaying her 13th can of potpourri, "You men, always plotting things, then having it not work." "Pipe down!" Zen yells at his wife. "Oh, really? Well mister, you know that you're cleaning up after your guest's mess!!" "Ah, jeez, woman! Mrs. Reaper throws the potpourri can at Zen, and says "Fine!! You keep spraying that, while I go tend to making more Zen Muffins!" "If I didn't need the little wench..." Zen says under his breath. "Oh man!!" says Ry as a gross sound effect comes from the bathroom. "What was that?!!" Mrs. Reaper yells from the kitchen. "Uh," Zen stammers, "I said, 'I'll just get to work on this stench!"' "Wait!" Ry calls, "I'd like to eat Mrs. Zen's muffins!" Zen starts knocking down the door, "You little @%$#*%*@$!! That's my wife you're referring to! "Whoa, calm down there boss!" Ry replies. "I was literal! I think the muffins will stop these Hershey squirts!" "Help yourself, Mr. Unstoppable," Mrs. Reaper answers from the kitchen. Zen grabs a tray full, and slides it through a big crack as a result from Zen's attempted break in, at the bottom. Another half hour later, Zen and Ry come up from the basement. "ZEN LAB, Dammit!" Right, right... "Well, looks like there was a slight miscalculation, so we'll have to use you as you are, Rydgen." "Okay." "Now we just need to wait for dawn, in order for you to completely reinvigorate yourself" "Okay." "Would you like any more muffins, Mr. Unstoppable?" "Please," Ry says, growing pale again, "no, no, NO, NO, NO more muffins!!" Sorry if I went a little too gross on that chapter, but it was the funniest way for me to think of a side effect, neutralizing the ACME MUTAGENIC PLANT FOOD, thus preventing further exaggerations of Ry's plant derived abilities. Next they'll have stuff sprouting out of his hair, which is dark green. :~) Rydgen Chapter 19: Rydgen's return and the COTM Back at Zen Lair, Lab, (or whatever Zen's calling it these days....) "Had enough sunlight yet, Mr. Rydgen?" asks Mrs. Reaper. "We don't want you to get burned!" "Like you do with the muffins...?" thinks Rydgen. Rydgen, once exposed to sunlight, had quickly broken free of Zen Reaper's mind control. He was planning on sticking around long enough to find out what Zen's real plans were... IF he could avoid anymore of Mrs. Reaper's cooking.... ******************************* Back at the Dinner.... "I want to make a toast!" shouts Wesley Dodds. "Haven't you done enough? We are all gonna get Retconned, and you want to make a toast?" slurs Aztek from the bar. "Hey, it's a good one!" replies Wes, already standing on the stage. "Go ahead... what else have we got to lose...?" answers Az, almost passed out drink "Thanks. AHEM. AHEM! Now that I have your attention.... VOTE WESLEY FOR COTM!" "Uh, Wes?" Interjects Hairbutt. "I'm not done yet!" screams Wesley. "Wes..." starts Shocwave "QUIET! I'm not done with my speech! As I was saying...." "WES!" "Huh?" "You won, mate!" says Hairbutt. "Wha. ...?" Mutters Wesley as he passes out cold. "Must have been bad wine." says Artemis *********************** Meanwhile, back at the plant.... "Sneak, are you in on this?" "And WHERE IS MY INANIMATE CARBON ROD?" asks Patience. "Well, I was looking for it the same as you were!" replies Evil Sneak, a bit miffed. "Are you accusing me of something? I want the moderators and Jonah back just as much as you do!" "Well, the Carbon Rod detector says it is right here somewhere!" snaps Patience. The beeping from the detector is continuing.... To grow louder? "Um. . .wait a second...." Typo Lad opens the door and peeks outside. "It's the guy we conned in the breakroom! Look!" whispers Patience. Walking down the hall, right outside the door, is a balding, overweight, yellow-skinned dufus … who has the Inanimate Carbon Rod sticking out of his shirt collar. "Oh.... Sorry Sneak." whispers Patience, as she slips quietly out the door. She walks up behind the dufus and carefully grabs the rod... and he never notices, too busy staring at a doughnut on the floor. “Ummmmm . . . doughnuts...." she hears as she sneaks quietly back to the office, where everyone is waiting, er... not too patiently. "DID YOU GET IT?" shouts Ender. Patience pulls the Inanimate Carbon Rod from her purse. "Yep. Now let's get out of here!" Patience pulls the Acme Port-A-Hole from her purse, and everyone heads back to the dinner. *************************** At the dinner.... Patience and crew have already come back from the plant, and handed the Inanimate Carbon Rod over to the fake Jonah, who has also put Supermom's brain in a jar of liquid for safe keeping. Joe Grendel is looking on disapprovingly. "But I thought Zen said he didn't really need all this junk!" shouts XXX - Pac. "That's what he said...." mumbles an even drunker Aztek from the bar. "Hey AZ, what are you drinking anyway?" asks Rokkit. "Grimblesnarks...." "Huh?" "Frozen daiquiris" replies the bartender. "But there's no alcohol in them." "HUH? Before anyone has time to ponder that, the far door crashes open...revealing Rydgen the Unstoppable! A menacing laugh issues from behind him... "Zen, we know it's you, so just come on out." rumbles Hairbutt The Hippo. Rydgen storms in the room, and grabs a chatter by the throat. "Zen wants me to wipe out all the chatters so he can start all over. I think I'll start with you!!!" He throws Anaconda face first into the far wall, where the snake lands with a booming thud. "Excellent, my minion! Now grab Joe Grendel and bring him here!" "Minion? ME? I think you have the wrong guy, Zen." replies Rydgen "I just always wanted to do that to Anaconda." "WHAAAAAATTT?" shrieks Zen, who turns and runs... tripping across Wesley, who is still out cold on the floor. I'LL BE BACK!" he screams on his way out the door. "Well, that was fun..." says Patience. "Anyone know what the next item is?" "I think it's going to be a little harder...." Patience suggested the Homer Simpson routine, folks! Az Chapter 20 It’s now mere minutes after the intrepid heroes have brought all of the six requested items to the evil Zen Reaper. Chaos quickly ensues as he pulls out a round, glowing orb and places it amidst the seemingly useless pile of junk on the main stage. A force field immediately surrounds him and the stage, cutting him off from the others. At the same time, a secret compartment opens along one of the walls, revealing the moderators and Jonah, all tightly bound and gagged. Hairbutt and Artemis immediately go over and quickly start untying them. As soon as the gag comes off of Jonah, he shouts to the collected masses of posters and chatters: “He’s put together a time machine! You have to stop him!” “WHAAAT?” shouts Bouncing Boy, immediately looking concerned, but not crazy enough to go near the crackling force field. Rydgen, as usual, is the one that gets shocked, as he tries to punch his way through it. “OW!” he shouts on his way backwards into the wall. “He told us all his evil plans while he held us captive!” adds Shade. “He plans to go back in time and retcon the entire JWCBR...take complete control and rename it the Zen Reaper's Comic Book Resources!” Finishes Jonah. “We HAVE to STOP him!” Shouts Superboy! Who tries to break through the forcefield, only to slam into Rydgen on his way backwards towards to the wall. “OW again!” yells Ry as he pushes SB off of him. Thanos pulls his Magic Whiffle Bat out of his Bag’ O Evil and tries to break through the force field, to no avail. He even chants a few choruses of the now - famous “Whiffle Batty” at it, but that does nothing but crack up XXX-Pac, who is standing nearby. Patience starts rummaging through her purse. The assembled chatters and posters all begin using their “unique” abilities to try to break the forcefield, with no success. Zen stands and laughs, all the while setting the controls on his time machine. “You see, the brain is the control, the Inanimate Carbon Rod is the fuel supply. The rest of this junk is just window dressing. I played you all for SAPS! And now...NOW...I am OUT OF HERE!” Zen disappears from inside the field. The shield and the machine, remains. “We have to follow him, before he changes things irreversibly!” Screams Bouncing Boy. “But HOW?” Asks the already time misplaced Bishop. Just then Silver Lantern appears through the skylight, and blasts the living $#*t out of the field. I had to rescue Wesley’s cat from a tree. Did I miss anything? “YES!!!!!” shouts Engine. Tim politely explains the situation... “Great! Now who wants to follow - quickly! We have to go NOW!” And so they do. Hairbutt and Azangel (formerly known as Aztek) were the first to jump into the swirling mass of pure time. There was a faint scream, but no one could pinpoint where it came from. “We’ve got to follow them!” Shouts Rydgen. He charges through the time portal as well. “…” “We don’t know, Slappy! It could send them anywhere in time!” Bishop adds, “Since most of the Time Police seem to be among the missing, I think I’ve got the most time-travelling experience. I’m going in too.” Though tripping over a small pebble, Bishop quickly got back up and jumped through to “the other side”. “I’m not letting them have all the fun!” Says Silver Lantern. He rides into the portal too. “What if they never come back?” Asks Rob Liefeld. “Five less people for you to rip-off?” “Sssh! This is a crisis, we’ve got to pull together. “Speaking of pulling together, who’s touching my thigh?” Asks Artemis. “Sorry,” Liefeld admitted. “Why you little piece of—“ Trying to strike at Liefeld, Artemis trips over Rob’s abnormally big feet. She falls into the portal, but bringing Liefeld with her. “My god! She took Liefeld!” “She’ll kill him!” “They’ll all kill him!” Suddenly, just as quickly as it appeared… the portal began to fade off into the air itself. “Uh-oh. C’mon, Supes, we’re Time Police! If they go through time, so do we.” Bouncing and flying as fast as the duo could, they managed to reach the portal moments after it finally faded into mist. “No!” “My God—“ “Where did they go?!” Suddenly… Hairbutt crashed into the ground itself. Dizzy, he lazily looked around as Azangel fell out of the sky and smacked the ground as well. Rydgen the Unstoppable landed in a tree, Bishop right next to a rather large bear. Silver Lantern coasted down to earth, and Rob Liefeld landed on top of Artemis~*. “Get off of me, you small, small little man…” Suddenly it hit them. They were no longer in anyplace that remotely looked familiar. “This place… it looks like some kind of Pre-Historic J Street--!” “We must have gone back to…” Bishop started. “… The Golden Age of CBR?” Hairbutt finished. Suddenly, out of no where, a half fly/half human hybrid walked out and started to talk. “Hi, guys. My name’s Fly on the Wall. This is my first time here. Are you regulars?” Chapter 21 There was a disturbance in the air. The time travellers stared in wonder. It seemed to be that reality was bending above the little Flys head, gradually the area took the shape of something that was there and yet, not there. With a *POP* Zen’s time machine came into being and landed on Fly on the Wall. "OW! Boy! this is the last time I'm ever coming back here!" said a muffled voice from beneath the machine. "WHAT!!!???", Zen yelled incredulously, "How the h**k did you get here before me???". He quickly leapt for the controls of the time machine. "Get'im before he gets away!" yelled Hairbutt. As one, the waiting heroes leapt at Zen. "Hmmmmm....maybe the effects of the Power Oan generated by Silver Lantern somehow bent space and time making it a faster journey for us than it did for Zen....",thought Bishop,"...but then, what would I know". They all struggled with Zen trying to bring him under control. Unfortunately the rather large behind of a certain Hippo came into contact with the controls, scrambling them and starting the machine with a slow whine and crackle of mysterious energy. "What’s happened??", Artemis yelled, "I Wouldn't have a clue, but I wish Ry would move his elbow!" "Just don't unfurl those wings!" pleaded Rydgen. Suddenly, the surroundings changed to a swirling, grey mist. "Alright, Zen! Where did you take us?" Back at Jonah’s. "Boy, Decibelle will never believe this." Zen, half crushed under the weight, was staring hopelessly at nothing. "My God! We're dead! The Hippo's butt has wrecked the controls and we're stuck in limbo!" "This isn't looking good', Bish commented. "OK, get us out of here!!!", Artemis took aim with an arrow. "I can't!!!!", Zen babbled, " We're stuck here! luckily the force field is holding or who knows what might happen to us!". *pop* *crackle* *fizzle* "UH-OH!" With a wrenching scream the force field vanished and the time machine flew apart. Everyone was thrown out into the void. Silver Lantern used his ring to hold the heroes together, but Zen flew into the nothingness screaming. "Are we all OK?", Az asked. "For a little while Sil answered, "But I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. The strain....is....tremendous...." "You won't have to Sil..." a voice beside them said. "THANOS!!!!" How did you get here???" "Well its a long story. Too long to tell here. Quick! Our only chance of escape is through my Bag O' Evil. Come on!" Using the last ounces of his will, Silver Lantern dragged the others towards the opening of the sack. "We'll never fit in there, Than! Especially with the Hippo!!!", Rydgen yelled. "You'll be amazed what the bag can do....." Thanos replied. Then darkness. Zen spun through the grey mist. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA*" "Don't worry I have you now, Master. All will be well..." Then darkness. Back at the prehistoric beginnings of the CBR, Liefeld was left standing. Why hadn't he acted. Stupidly he stood there wondering what to do next. "This'll make the next #1 issue of Re-Gex late...." he thought. "Excuse me are you Rob Liefeld?" "Yes...", Rob answered the little Fly on the Wall. "I do this, then for future generations of comic readers!" said the Fly as he aimed a large gun at Liefeld. Intense pain. Then darkness. Epilogue From the depths of limbo someone watched. Interesting, he thought, maybe I'll have someone new to help further my......affairs. He stood in a strange room that seemed unaffected by the roiling nothingness of limbo. All around him were carved painted figures on display. They were heroes. An infinite number of heroes and they were all meticulously made and watched over by their mysterious Guardian. Prologue Slowly Hairbutts eye's opened. "Gah!", he thought, "I feel like Crap! Where am I?" "Will you get off me you big tub of lard!" "Sorry miss," rumbled the Hippo, "By the way, do you know where I a..." The Hippo stared. "Whaddya mean miss? What’s the matter Hairbu....why is my voice higher???" "Um...Az.....how can I say this. But.......it seems.....you're a chick!" Az stared incredulously at Hairbutt. "Hair, what the he...WHERE DID THESE THINGS COME FROM ON MY CHEST???!!!" Azangel stared disbelievingly at his new body. " OHMYGOD I'M A CHICK???!!!!" "I noticed." leered the Hippo. "Waitaminit Az!!! Fold back the wings! Lets try and work out where we are first! Where are the others? And where are we?" "BUT I'M A CHICK!!!!!" "Well that’s very apparent. It's suits you. But first let’s get our bearings and work out what we do." Azangel fought an inner battle, of which one side of the argument had a lot to do with mindless violence. "Alright. Who's here?" "Lets look around and see who we can find." It seemed to be a street. There were buildings and places of business, people bustling along, (Strange, no-one seemed surprised at their appearance or method of arrival), but neither of the pair found it familiar. "Is it just me or does it seem like it curls and bends around the edges?" "Shut up Hippo!" After a while they located the others, all dazed, confused and quite a few mysterious changes since the last moment they were together in limbo. "Welp, All I can say is that the Bag O' Evil works in mysterious ways", Thanos reasoned, "Whatever comes out of it is not quite what you thought it was. That’s the evil bit" Hairbutt chimed in. "How come I wasn't changed then." Thanos thought about it. "Maybe there was too much of you for it too work. Just as the Hippo started contemplating mindless violence there was a shout from Bishop. "Hey! here's a streetsign! I found out where we are!" Hairbutt, Silver Lantern, Artemis, Rydgen, Thanos and Azangel stared at Bishop. "Well.......are you gonna tell us what it says, Bish??? Or am I going to have to put an arrow through your liver??" "Oh....OK...It's someplace with a really stupid name called J Street!" The beginning. |
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