Chapter 4
He knows.
Yes, its just as I said: he knows.
After all my worrying about how to tell him, nature decided I was
taking to long and went ahead and told him for me.
Things were going well. After bursting into tears in front of my
mother, she became my support. I still hadnt told Mulder
yet, and she dont say anything, although I know she wanted
to. Her look was enough. I had to tell him soon. That I knew.
I was now in the middle of my second month, now about 10 and half
weeks along. The morning sickness is still there. Its bad
on some days; better on others. Im still stuck on my coffee
breakfast. My brain tells me that coffee is no where near enough
for a breakfast for two, but my stomach always has other ideas.
Still fate wanted my secret out.
We were on another case, doing another background check. We didnt
go anywhere like Ohio, in fact we were only in Maryland, a stones
throw away from D.C. Mulder still had no idea. In fact he spent
the entire morning complaining about how the FBI was trying to
get him to resign.
He even pulled me near a Chinese restaurant. "How about
after we do the FBIs dirty work, we go to lunch and blow
the rest of the day off?"
I had to make a quick escape from near that restaurant before my
morning sickness once again reared its ugly head. Explaining to
Mulder how I was okay after puking up on the sidewalk was not on
my to do list today. Instead I walked quickly away from it saying
nothing.
Mulder gave me a strange look. "Scully, are you okay?"
Not that question, Mulder. I give my usual answer.
"Im fine. We should get this done."
Mulder eyed me for another minute before nodding.
The morning was slow. My stomach was on one of its bad days
today. The nausea was getting bad, and I was afraid Id have
to make a mad dash to the ladies room soon. We had to go by the
DMV for some information and as soon as we got there, I knew Id
have to find a ladies room.
I made a flimsy excuse and hurried off. After loosing my coffee
(the only thing I had consumed that morning), I took a look at
myself in the mirror. Bloodshot eyes and a pale face were not
attractive today. Splashing water on my face, I tried to will
both the nausea and dizziness I was feeling away.
I walked out of the restroom and found Mulder talking to the
woman behind the desk. I bypassed the long line of people
renewing their driving licensees to make to over to him. As I
passed them, I began to feel a little light-headed. I credited it
to the fact that I hadnt eaten anything all day. A glance
at my watch told me it was 11 a.m. My stomach tended to settle
itself around 12, 1 oclock, so hopefully I would keep
something down then. Hopefully.
I shook my head as the light-headedness seemed to increase. Maybe
I should get something to eat, no matter whether it says down or
not.
Im not sure what happened next, but I know I must have
stumbled. Next thing I knew Mulder was by my side, calling my
name. It sounded so far away. Pretty soon things went black.
The sounds were the first thing that came back, slowing filtering
into my brain. The bustle of people walking by, the distant
sounds of a loudspeaker. The smell came next. It was antiseptic
and I knew at once I was in the hospital.
Damn it. I must have passed out. As soon as I opened my eyes I
found a nurse
pushing some curtains back. At least I was still in the ER. That
meant I probably wasnt out for very long.
The nurse who had pulled the curtain back was now checking my
vital signs. The same old song and dance: blood pressure, temp,
etc.
"Look whos awake."
Damn, she was a perky nurse. Just what I needed now. She did her
job and looked up at me shaking her head.
"You worried your poor husband to death," she
continued.
Husband?
"He was very worried. Gave this whole song and dance about
cancer. He nearly fainted when the doctor told him it was only
your coffee breakfasts and morning sickness due to the pregnancy
that were the cause of your fainting spell. Turned sheet white,
like he was about to pass out. I had to grab a chair quick and
push his head between his knees before he was okay again."
My husband? Turned sheet white when he found out I was pregnant??
Oh my God.
I think I turned sheet white then because the next thing the
nurse was saying was that she was going to get the doctor.
"No, Im okay," I manage to get out.
The nurse smiled. "I figured you never told him. Well, if it
helps, he reacted better then my husband when he found out I was
pregnant. Nearly tore up the house. And _I_ told him."
I want to tell this woman that Mulders not my husband, that
were not even together, but the words dont seem to
want to come out.
"Im going to get the doctor, anyway. He wanted to know
when you came to. And Im sure your husband will want to see
you as well."
Would she stop calling him my husband!?
I have no idea what to do now. Mulder knew, and from what I had
heard, hadnt taken it well. He knew he was the father.
Hell, all he had to do was the math. And I dont exactly get
around, in fact I havent had sex in six years. I could have
probably considered myself near nunhood until that night with
Mulder. That night that was
.
Oh my God, what am I going to do now?
I dont have much time to contemplate that thought, though.
The doctor walks in, a chart in his hands, and a Mulder behind
him. One thats looking at the floor, avoiding all eye
contact with me, and is pale enough to consider checking himself
in here as well.
I turn toward the wall like a coward. Guess neither of us is
batting a thousand today.
The doctor begins his speech, which was really more like a
lecture. Tells me coffee is not what an expectant mother lives
on, that if the nausea was really bad, I should have consulted my
OB. Reprimands me, telling me that as a medical doctor I should
know better. Howd he know I was a medical doctor? Guess
Mulder told him that. I just listen, half-kicking myself in the
ass for getting myself in the situation in the first place. If
only I had taken better care of myself I could have
Could have what Dana? Could have put off telling Mulder until the
babys 30th birthday? Maybe this was for the best.
Mulders pale complexion is telling me otherwise. Maybe I
should talk to the doctor about him.
The doctor beats me to it. "As long as you take better care
of yourself, I think you can avoid another situation like this. I
suggest you talk to your OB about the nausea, though." I
nod, and he looks at Mulder, a bit concerned. "Are you all
right, Mr. Mulder?"
Mulder looks up weakly. "Im fine," he replied.
"Shes the one Im worried about." He points
to me, not even sure what to call me today. No "my
partner." What is going to happen to us?
The doctor smiled. "Your wife will be fine, Mr. Mulder. She
just needs some rest and a normal breakfast." He gave a
little wink. "I learned to cook by making my wife breakfast
during her first pregnancy." He gave a few instructions, and
the nurse handed me my clothes. They left me alone with Mulder.
I didnt look at Mulder as I slowly swung my legs around. He
didnt look at me. He turned away as I grabbed my blouse,
but finally broke the cruel silence that had elapsed between us.
"Im sorry I didnt correct him when he called you
my wife," Mulder started, still turned away from me.
"But they kept saying it over and over, and I thought it was
a lost cause." His voice is a bit distant, afraid. A new
voice Ive never heard before.
"Its okay," I reply, not knowing what else I can
say. I quickly finish dressing, hurrying as I button the last
buttons on my blouse.
"You can turn around," I say, not knowing if he really
will. He does, slowly, with caution. His eyes seem to stare at
the wall for a moment, but finally they make their way toward me.
I dont turn away. We have to talk. We cant go on like
this; it just wont work.
"Scully," he starts at the say time as I say,
"Mulder."
We both pause, smiling briefly. "You go first," I urge
him and he purses his lips, and I can almost see his brain
searching for the right question to ask. Just fire away, Mulder.
There is no right question in this game.
"How did you
, I mean you cant
..?" He
doesnt even complete thought, but I know what he means. I
answer him, calmly. He deserves to hear something from me.
"I dont know, Mulder. I didnt think it could
happen, either. But it did."
"Its-"
"Of course its yours, Mulder. I havent been very
active in the last weeks with anyone else." Here
it comes. The "night." I should know by now we would
have to talk about it sometime.
He pauses and takes a couple of steps closer toward me. Hes
hesitant. Ive never seen Mulder so hesitant before. He
always dived headfirst into other things; thats how he
always got hurt. This time, hes using caution. I never
thought he knew the meaning of the word before today. I decide to
do something to let him know he doesnt have to take so much
caution. Thats it okay for us to talk. I had dreaded this
moment from the minute I found out I was pregnant, yet now I just
want to get out in the open. My mind has been changing its mind
lately. Maybe these hormones arent all bad. Especially if
they help get through this conversation.
I get up and grab Mulders hand.
"Im not asking you to-"
He interrupts me. "I would never leave you or this
baby," he defends.
"I didnt say you would."
More silence.
"Im just saying that you dont have to feel
obligated to-"
He grips my hand tighter. "I know." We both know. Know
that we dont have to get married, that we dont even
have to live together. I should have never thought for a minute
that Mulder wouldnt have wanted this baby. Though I cant
picture him as the perfect father figure (hell, I never pictured
myself as the perfect mother figure, either), I should have known
that he would never desert me. Our six year
"relationship" may never have turn to a true
"romance" (so to speak), but we had something that was
better. Something that pushed him to go to the ends of the earth
for me, literally, when I was in trouble. He went to Antarctica
for me, surely he would at least support our baby. My heart tells
he would do more. We dont have to get married, we dont
have to live together, thats not important now. The only
thing thats important is the life we both created. The life
that for some reason God wanted to be created. My miracle. My
heart cant help but hope that its _our_ miracle too.
Watch out Dana, one thing at a time. You cant go and act
like a lovesick teenager.
You have a baby on the way now.
And no wedding ring on my finger. Mulder is absently looking down
at me, but not at my face. I realize hes looking toward my
stomach. I dont why, somehow I think of this of an
unMulderlike gesture. Still, I get a good feeling seeing this.
Almost a feeling that things will work out. That things will be
okay.
There you go again, Dana. Dreaming is becoming my favorite
pastime now. Its easier to dream about a great life then go
and get one yourself.
I do something strange, then. Taking Mulders hand, I bring
it up to my stomach and smile.
"Youre not going to feel anything. Its too
early."
His face takes on a weird look when I do this. He lets his hand
sit there, gently, almost as if he was trying to read the
contents inside. Ive never seen it before, but he looks
content,
almost. Like hes found something hes been looking
forever for. I almost want to know who has replaced the Mulder I
know with a pod person. He pulls his hand away, and looks up at
me.
"Are you okay?" he asks, concern suddenly on his face.
"I mean Ill drive you home so that-"
"Slow down, Mulder. Im fine. Just havent been
taking as good as care of myself as I should. Ive never
been pregnant before, plus Ive spent too much time around
your bad habits."
He smiles, and leans in toward me. I can almost feel my heart
skip a beat as I can feel the heat of his body so close to mine.
Why is he doing this? Are we okay? The conversation we just had
was so confusing I didnt know what to think. Mulder had
been so distant, yet now he was
..so close. So very close.
The pale face I have seen no longer that ten, fifteen minutes
before was gone.
"Mulder?" I manage to say, with a bit of puzzlement.
"We need to talk about this."
He nodded. "We do."
Im silent again. I dont where to begin. I glance
around the room. Well, first things first. I dont want to
have this conversation in an ER exam room, although its a
second home to us both. I just realized that we both need to get
out more, or maybe a tad less.
"Mulder, we should get out of here." I reach toward the
bed for my purse. Suddenly he grabs my hand.
"Scully, youre right. We need to talk about
this."
Didnt we just say that? Were back to being inches
apart from each other. Mulders hazel eyes find my own and I
suddenly find myself happy in the position Im in. Standing
in an ER exam room, inches away from Mulder, his hand in mine. No
wonder the staff thought we were married. Was that what all
people thought? Maybe I should go with the crowd.
Here I was pregnant. I had told my mother, and she was okay with
it. A bit
disappointed at the fact I wasnt married, but still
supportive. Now Mulder knew, in a situation I hoped to avoid. He
nearly passed out at the doctors words, and now was almost
mesmerized by the situation. Maybe it was reverse shock. I should
look that up when I got home.
"You want to talk about this, Mulder. We will talk about
it."
"I know, Scully." He pauses. "Six years together
as partners, Scully. I wonder what the office pool is up to now.
Probably hundreds." His eyes are dancing, the mischievous
look I know so well is in them. "Do you want this,
Scully?"
The question is simple, really, yet I can think of different
"simple" meaning it could mean. Like, did I want the
baby. Yes. Or did the question mean something else?
"The baby? Of course I want the baby. Its the one
thing I thought I would never had. I want it very much."
This was true. I had never realized I wanted a baby until I
couldnt have one. But isnt that what they say about
most things? You dont realize you want them until you
discover you cant have them.
"No, Scully." Oh, God, _hes_ going to bring it
up. I never thought Mulder had the guts. I never did. Even when I
got pregnant.
"I dont want to-"
"This isnt about traps, Scully. This is about us. This
is about-" He stops suddenly and grabs both of my wrists. He
leans in, and I know its going to happen. Suddenly I feel
like a high school girl waiting for her prom date to give her
that one kiss she will never forget.
Oh, and I certainly wont forget _this_ kiss, either. He
leans slowly, and I let him. Were locking lips before we
know it, and neither of us pulls away. I dont know how much
time passes by, but neither of us is willing to end the moment we
are having right now. Six years seemed like a mere waiting period
for a product like this. Is this how its meant to be? Is
this how its supposed to happen? My mind wants answers, but
my heart already knows the answer.
Take it or leave it, Dana.
Hell, I think Ill take it.
"Excuse me?"
We both look, like guilty teenagers caught red-handed by a
parent.
"Sorry to interrupt, but I just need you to sign the release
forms." The nurse holds out a clipboard and I stop and sign
the bottom. She smiles.
"Youre free to go now." She begins to walk out,
but stops at the door. "Oh, and congratulations!"
"Thank you," I mutter, watching the nurse walk out the
door. I turn to Mulder. "What just happened here?"
He looks at me. "I think we just made out."
I nod. "Mulder, I want to know-"
He interrupts me again. "Scully, why do you need an answer
to everything? Sometimes there isnt one. I dont know
what will happen. But do we need to plan out our entire future
when it hasnt even really begun yet? So lets go get
lunch. Your choice. My treat."
He begins to walk out the door. I can feel another page turn in
the story of my life. Mulder knows Im pregnant, we make-out
in an exam room, and then we just go out to lunch. Were we a
couple now? I didnt know, but I smile.
Mulders right. I dont need an answer. At least not
now. I have a few months ahead to plan everything. Today I was
going to relax, and enjoy the first stress-free day Ive had
in the last three months. This baby was hungry and so was I. I
picked my purse and walked out the door after Mulder. Maybe we
were a couple. Maybe everyone would think we were married. So
what? Let them think that. Maybe thats the way it was meant
to be.
End Chapter 4/?
As always send feedback to: JenR13@aol.com