I am peeved, to say the least. It has been a most trying several days.
Let's see...Hmmm. Home was okay. I went to Shari's apartment with
Bribri Friday night (the 2nd) and she cooked us quesadillas...mmmm delicious.
We had a surprise visitor there, and that was Ms. Bryant and her husband.
They were nice, and it was a pleasant surprise to see them both. -Weird
though, to be in the same room with Shari, Brian, Ms. Bryant and Mr. Peabody.
-Sounds like something directly out of a strange dream I would have.
Anyway.
We never wound up going to D.C., obviously. Whatever, that Saturday
I wound up going to baby-sit for the Krakow's and that's always fun. They're
great people. Sunday, Brian and Joe (Green) and I all went into NYC's east
side, west side (briefly) and the village, sort of. That was interesting.
Joe and I had an interesting conversation about our "longest relationship" at
which point I responded "One year and two days," and he looked at me like
"With who?" and I was like DUH! Interesting how things unfold.
You know, I gotta say, and I don't think I have ever really given
much thought to this, but it's on my mind tonight so damnit I am going to say
it. I was a damn good girlfriend to Sally. I cannot say otherwise, because
I don't believe anything else would be true. -Yes, in the beginning I was
flipping out because I was all like "Ohmygod, I CAN'T like a girl! This
isn't natural! Ahhhh!" so I was a little weird. But once I got beyond that
fact, I was damn good to her. I didn't lie to her, I never betrayed her wish
to keep us a "secret" from everyone, and when I did tell my cousin Dahlia, I
told her immediately afterwards. I was honest with her. That's what I am
saying. What's more, I treated her like royalty. I fucking did everything
in my power for her. -Just to see her smile. I am hurting right now because
I wonder what it was I did that was so bad, so inexplicable, that she never
took me back. I don't want her back now, that's not the issue. What was
wrong with me, other than the fact that I was a girl? Why did she NEVER
fight for us? Why didn't she fight for me? For our friendship? When did it
become okay for her to sit back and watch me do all the work? Why wasn't my
emotional/mental state senior year enough to spark her interest in me?
Wasn't I her best friend? Don't give something to someone, if you don't want
them to have it. DON'T DO IT! Don't say something you don't really mean.
Because lies hurt more than apathy. God Sally. Why are you ashamed of me?
Why? When was it ever going to be enough for you? Was I ever going to be
enough for you? Why wasn't I worth it to you? I don't understand...and I
know that it's my fault for thinking that I was so much better for you than
some other people, but what made you decide that worse was better? Why is
less more? Do I have to treat you like shit? Do I have to fuck with your
head, and act out of spite in order to gain your respect? When will I ever
be enough? When will I be able, just by me being myself...the loyal friend
that I am, when will I be able to have gained importance in your life? You
can't fucking start over, start from scratch, and pull the same old tricks
you pulled before. I am a different person, I thought/think you were too.
You want to hide from me, fine. But don't play a role that you aren't cut
out to play. I am not trying to hold on to this any more. I can't, I don't
have the energy. Why do you hide from me Sally? What are you so afraid of?
Did you ever think of me? Sometimes I am tempted to cut you out entirely,
just to see what you will do. I wonder if you'll sit back and let time pass,
if you'll go after me...I would have to say that from past experience my vote
goes with "first you'll fuck with my head...then you will never think about
me, and continue on with your life as if I had never entered it." You know
those posters that have the half moon on it, and it says something like "Some
people walk into your life and leave footprints...and some will leave an
indelible mark" or something like that? I thought I had made an indelible
mark on your life, and it's just a blow to the ego when I find out that I am
not in actuality, as important to you as I thought I was. God, where are you
Sally? Why won't I ever say this to you?
I was talking to Gretchen tonight, and she was saying how she had
also forgotten my birthday and how come it wasn't a big deal to me. -I
pointed out that I didn't know why other people forgetting was so unimportant
to me, and she counterpointed out that I know where I stand with my other
friends. I don't question why Gretchen and I are friends, or Nicole and I
for that matter. I do not question their motives. They are supportive,
happy for me, positive, always. I question my foundation with Sally, that is
why I question everything else with Sally.
God. When will all this BULLSHIT end? When will I stop questioning,
when will I know, and when will I trust you again? Will I ever trust you
completely as I once had? You are inconsistent. Ask any random 5 people,
and they will tell you 5 different descriptions as to who you are, what
you're like. How you are. Which one is the real one? I used to have the
original Mickey Mantle card...when he was a rookie. Then he got big, and
they made all these fake cards, and the fake cards became the trend. So my
card lost value, but I never lost faith that mine was really worth something,
because I had the original. But now in the face of all these impostors, of
all these cheap imitations, I wonder if mine wasn't really a fake too.
What's to guarantee? Am I silly in just holding on to a memory that may have
been inaccurate? I think maybe I am crazy for second guessing that what I
once knew in my blood, in my skin, and in my heart, might have been a
forgery. Does that make it any less of a card, because it's lost it's
monetary value, even though the sentimentality is still there? Well, I think
that the idea was that I had the only one...the original...which meant it
held more power monetarily speaking...and that in partial is what made it
seem so special. That enhanced the sentimental value of it.
So now we're "friends" and you spill all this gook out onto me. All
this superficial gunk. I don't care that it's messy, I care that it's messy
and it doesn't benefit anything. Anyone. I would rather one hundred times
that you spilt some bile if it was pure and true, and sincere. I welcome
that, though it plagues some. I have always welcomed it.
Please don't say you're sorry
Don't apologize
I thought I knew the truths
That were hidden in your lies
You left me in the darkness
Before the light had come,
And then it rained all day
And the inside me was numb
Words parted from my lips
Fell softly on deaf ears
And I fought and yelled and screamed
You still couldn't give me tears.
And I think I'll always wonder
In the back part of my mind
What exactly is the purpose
Of a friendship this kind.
So now I guess we're talking
And we're friends like it should be
But time to time I think of
Where "we'd" be if not for me.
You never made an effort
To fix what you had broken
The ruins in your wake are
Too profound for words spoken
It's sad I'll always doubt you
And question all you intend
But all I ever wanted from you
Was to be a friend
Maybe it's a start
Something in a fledging state
We can't rebuild what's broken
But use a freshened slate
"I know that it will hurt, I know that it will break your heart the way things are, and the way they've been. And don't disrespect
yourself, don't lose your pride, and don't think everybody's gonna change
their side. Oh no..." -Natalie Merchant
I needed to write that. Ugly venom. Spew. Out, out damned spot I
say! I am pretty angry I guess....a lot of issues that have snowballed since
like....senior year. Uggggh. I have to go now. MORBID ENTRY!