[Impatient] Ready?

OK. So, I'm here with Mel Gibson. Is it alright if I call you Mel?

No.

I just want to say I'm a really big fan and I love everything you've done, even 'Bird on a Wire.'

Thanks. [Peels bill from large roll] Here's a hundred bucks.

Really? Can I keep it?

Sure, I got loads of 'em.

Thanks! Well I guess we should start with your childhood.

I did.

You were born in upstate New York, 1956 . . .

Why do you say it like that?

Like what?

You said "upstate New York" like it's not to be confused with New York City. [Peevish] Why wouldn't you just say "New York"? What, upstate isn't cool enough for you?

Sor-ree.

No, no, I'm sorry. I just quit smoking and I'm a little testy.

How long has it been?

How long have we been talking?

Three and a half minutes.

Three and a half minutes.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Anyway, then you leave America and move to Australia. Was the move a traumatic experience for you?

Oh, yeah.

How so? Well, if you leave Los Angeles on Wednesday at 10:30 p.m., you arrive in Sydney at 6:05 a.m., Friday. But when you return, let's say you leave Sydney at 1:55 p.m. on Friday, you arrive at LAX at 10:25 a.m. on the same Friday. So you actually arrive three and a half hours before you left! The math alone threw me into fits of anxiety as a child. That and all that Vegemite and rugby.

So, Mel. . .

[Annoyed] Uh-huh.

Sorry. What would you like me to call you?

How about O Gifted One?

OK. So, O Gifted One -

[Sweetly] Yes?

Your sister enrolls you in drama school. What was that like?

At first it was horrible. As a freshman I got pushed around. A lot. But then I hired this big guy to be my bodyguard, because this one kid kept picking on me. So then he hires a bodyguard, too. So while my bodyguard is fighting his bodyguard, I have to fight the guy myself! And I kick his ass! So then I get really popular and. . .

Hold on. Isn't that the plot from the movie 'My Bodyguard'?

Yeah. But it's a lot more interesting than " I took dance, diction, fencing, dialects, blah, blah, blah." Come on, this is an interview, damn it!

Right. It's just, well, this is my first big celebrity interview, and I'm a bit nervous.

[Bellows] God damn it! Who sent you? Where's my publicist?

I'm sorry, O Talented One.

[Irritated] O Gifted One.

Right. Sorry again.

Fine. Go on.

What was your best film experience?

It happened on a really hot summer day, and the only theater in town had air conditioning, so I went in just to escape the heat, but to my surprise I was subject to the wonderful high jinks and comic antics of Don Knotts and Tim Conway in The Apple Dumpling Gang.

I meant a film that you actually worked on.

Oh. Braveheart. Next question.

Ah, let me see. . . [Frantically looks through notes] What else?

Come on, come on! I don't have all day!

Ah, yes. Here it is. When you were making 'Ransom,' did you ever imagine any of your own kids being kidnapped? You know, draw from the experience, to give the character depth?

[Horrified] No. That's a terrible thought. What kind of crazy man would imagine his own kids being kidnapped? What's wrong with you?

Nothing. I just though it was a good question. Did you research the role?

[Nods] I had Arnold Schwarzenegger's kid kidnapped. Just for, like, an hour. Then I called him up and asked him what it was like. Pretty smart, huh?

Wasn't he mad?

At first. But when I told him why I did it, he understood We had a big laugh and a stogie over it. He's a great guy. Really good sense of humor.

Which bring up another good point: your infamous sense of humor. What is the best practical joke you've ever played?

Just between You and me?

Of course.

[Pointing to tape recorder] Is that thing still on?

[Lies]No.

Well, my youngest boy, Shecky, wanted a pony really badly, so my wife and I drive him all the way to Montana, right?

Yeah. . . ?

We get to this barn and we tell him, "The pony's in there." So he races out of the car and into the barn - and my wife and I take off!

Yeah. . . ?

That's it.

That's it? You just left him there?

Yeah. [Wistfully] I wish I could have seen his face when he came out.

That's not funny.

Guess you had to be there.

Wait a minute. You don't have a son named Shecky.

Not any more. But we still have six, and I'll tell ya, nobody has asked for a pony since. Have you seen my shades?

Um, no. Did you lose them?

I hope not. Maybe they fell under the table. [Disappears under the table for a few minutes, then returns with his sunglasses]

Did you just have a cigarette?

[Indignant] No!

I smell cigarette smoke.

[Angrily] I though you were an interviewer, or a journalist, or whatever you bottom feeders call yourselves these days. I didn't realize you were a reporter and a forensic pathologist.

I'm not. But is sure smelled like cigarette smoke.

Mm-hmm. And which direction is the wind blowing, from Quincy?

Um, over there.

And is it possible that someone "over there" is having a cigarette?

I guess so.

[Yells] You guess so?

Yes! Yes! It's possible!

I thought so. You better watch yourself, buddy; you don't want the EWSCC coming down on your ass. We are not to be messed with anymore. [Mutters] Alec Baldwin knockin' out those parasite video paparazzi; Sean Penn's got a hell of a right hook; DeNiro's hell with a bat; Zsa Zsa [Gabor] slappin' the fuzz; Bruce Willis takin' out that Enquirer guy. . .

Bruce Willis rubbed out a reporter?

What? I don't know what you're talking about. Where's Doug [Gibson's assistant]? Doug, is that what I said?

[Doug suddenly pops out from behind the waiter's station and says "No, what you said was: 'Bruce Willis taking out that "Enquirer" guy.' "]

See? "Taking out" - as in, to take out to dinner and explain the plight of the wealthy and famous, and how you people affect our daily lives. And then I think the reporter left to do some missionary work in Guadalajara. Doug , where did that reporter end up?

[Doug, now seated at the next table, says, "In Guadalajara, doing missionary work."]

See?

Right. Is there a lot of missionary work to be done in Guadalajara?

Tons.

And why is that?

The Nazis.

[Confused] The Nazis?

Oh, tell me you don't know about the Hitler DNA experiments of Guadalajara.

I don't.

How would you explain the recent outbreak of conjoined twins throughout the world?

I didn't realize there was one.

Open your eyes, man!

Isn't this what your new movie is all about: paranoid ideas?

You mean my new Warner Bros. picture, Conspiracy Theory, starring me, Julia Roberts and Patrick Stewart? A Richard Donner film, coming to a theater near you Aug. 8? My fifth film with Donner?

Yeah, that's the one.

In a way.

But what about Nazis?

Well, there's a Club Med in Guadalajara that is really a baby farm. They inject Hitler DNA into newborns.

Yeah, but that wouldn't make Hitlers out of the babies.

Of course not. But what it could do is create a host for the new Hitler. Ask yourself this: When they separate conjoined twins, which one lives? The one with the little mustache and its hair parted to the side?

I guess I never thought of it in those terms.

Of course not. They don't want you to think about it. What they want you to think about are the blue M&Ms.

What?

Ask yourself this: Were you unhappy with the color spectrum of M&M's before they added blue?

I guess not.

Did you ask for blue M&Ms?

Hold it. Let me get this straight. There's a Club Med in Guadalajara that's really a secret Nazi laboratory where they're creating a master race of Hitler clones and somehow blue M&M's are being used as a distraction?

I've said too much. You could be at risk.

Me?

Well, sure. If you print this. [Looks alarmed] Oh, my God! Get down!

[Crawls under the table] What? What is it?

[Whispers] Just stay down. I'm not sure.

What does it look like?

It's either a guy with a high-powered rifle or a flock of seagulls.

The birds or the singing group?

I'm not sure; you better stay down.

[The interviewer comes up and turns around, only to see nothing.] I don't see anything. [He looks at a sheepish Gibson.] Hey, what's that in your mouth?

[Muffled] Nuffin'.

Yes, there is. Do you have a cigarette in your mouth?

No!

You swallowed it!

I did not!

You swallowed something.

Sometimes cappuccino makes me a little phlegmy. So I had to swallow some phlegm. Now all my fans are going to know I have phlegm. Happy?

But your eyes are tearing from swallowing a lit cigarette.

[Primly] Quite frankly, I'm upset at your accusations. This interview is over.

Over?

Obviously, you don't trust me, and without trust, what is there?

I trust you.

No, you don't. You're just like all the other reporters, thinking celebrities don't have any feelings or emotions. That we're just here for you to cast your aspersions on. [With feeling] For us to just sit back and endure your slings and arrows, and all the while we have to keep smiling and dress nice. You try coming up with an outfit knowing Joan Rivers is waiting at the end of the line!

But Joan Rivers has always been kind to you.

I know, but I'm not just talking about me. I'm talking for all celebs. We are mad as a meat ax.

That's the Aussie equivalent of "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore," isn't it?

Yes, yes. How much more must I endure?

I'm sorry, O Gifted One.

I don't believe you.

I'm reeaaallly sorry.

How sorry?

You name it.

Go chicken cutlet.

What is that?

You rub oil all over yourself and roll around in the sand and lie there until you fry: chicken cutlet.

I'm not that sorry.

I knew it! Doug, kill him!

Wait!

What?

You don't want to kill me.

Why not?

Because by killing me, you're killing a part of yourself, the part that is willing to look inside and examine the inner being that is the essence of you.

Would you shut up! Reporter, psychologist - make up your mind.

Reporter. Let's move on. The rumors about 'Lethal Weapon 4": true or false?

False.

You mean they haven't offered you everything, including a blank Warner Bros. check?

Oh, that's true.

What rumor did you think I meant?

I though you were talking story. My mistake.

They have a plot?

Yes, they do.

And you don't like it?

No.

Do you have your own story in mind?

Yes, but I won't talk about it.

Not at all?

No.

Can you at least give us something? Who knows, maybe if someone over at Warner's reads the article. . .

They don't read.

Oh, right. Well, does it involve a major story change?

Well, I think the series needs one. You see, Riggs has been crazy, lost a wife, lost a girlfriend, jumped from buildings, flipped cars, blown up buildings, taken on apartheid, been electrocuted, shot, beat up and withstood it all. Now this type of training would turn anyone into some sort of superman.

I get it. So, does he, like, get a cape?

Oh, yeah: cape, tights, cool logo like a nice g on his chest and cape.

What about the characters that Danny Glover, Rene Russo and Joe Pesci play?

Well, first off, you have Pesci killed, I mean, how many times can we hear a guy say "OK"? And that would be what sets Riggs over the edge.

I thought you said he was a superhero.

I did. He's a superhero gone over the edge. Get this: Danny retires, me and Rene get married, and she gets pregnant. Joe gets plugged right away. This really upsets me. Not that I liked him that much, but he had my favorite pen or something. The writers will figure it out. So I go out and have this outfit made up: cape, boots and all. I have Riggs' truck modified to be the type of truck befitting a superhero: cool guns and gadgets, shark fins, sunroof, kickin' stereo. Yeah, he needs the kickin' stereo for the theme song!

Riggs has a theme song?

Oh, yeah. It's like "Shaft," but I'm not a "black private dick who's a sex machine to all the chicks." I'm white and married.

So, does Riggs fight evil?

Are you listening to me? [Yells] He's a superhero gone over the edge! Anyway, I go out and get the outfit, fix up the truck, and cruise around trying to fight crime. Now, this really upsets Rene's character. I mean, she's pregnant with Crazy Cop's kid. Hey, that's not a bad movie title: Crazy Cop. OK, so she asks Danny to bring me back to reality. Then Danny spends half the movie chasing me around and trying to make me into plain old Riggs. But I won't hear of it.

You won't?

No. I pretend like he's my loyal sidekick, which he doesn't like at all. You see, that's where the comic relief comes in. I keep calling him "little buddy" or "faithful companion" or something like that. The writers will fix it. And get this: I get Danny a sidekick outfit, but he won't wear it, and I won't go anywhere until he does.

What's the outfit?

He's Golden Retriever Man!

What kind of powers could a golden retriever possibly have?

Do you know anyone who can resist a golden retriever?

Um, I guess not.

Come on, man! He's a golden retriever! The criminals start to attack, but he rolls over and they can't help but rub the belly!

How does that stop crime?

Well, that's when Crazy Cop comes in and kicks criminal butt.

What happens to Danny then?

Well, this is the sad part: The bad guys throw a grenade at me, and Danny, being a purebred retriever, can't help but go retrieve it. And he does. But he returns it to the bad guys.

So they all blow up?

Yeah.

That's so sad.

No, no. It's irony.

Irony?

Yes! See, he's both my best friend and man's best friend, and that's what snaps me out of my Crazy Cop mania. So I quit the force, go home to Rene, and we raise a kid.

Who's the lead bad guy? Gary Oldman? Dennis Hopper? Alan Rickman?

Arte Johnson.

Arte Johnson from 'Laugh-In'?

Yeah. He used to do that "ve-ry in-ter-est-ing" guy. That guy used to creep the s--- out of me. He'd be a great bad guy.

Well, I think I have everything I need.

[Perplexed] But I'm not done.

Uh, I've got to go.

Where?

Oh, somewhere.

But I'll give you dirt on famous people!

[Jumps up to leave] No, I really have to go. Thank you for everything.

Hey! Wait! When I was a kid, I -

[Click]