- I will not waste chalk
- I will not aim for the head
- I will not skateboard in the halls
- I will not barf unless I'm sick
- I will not burp in class
- I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
- I will not instigate revolution
- I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
- I will not conduct my own fire drills
- I did not see Elvis
- I will return the seeing-eye dog
- Funny noises are not funny
- I will not call my teacher `Hot Cakes'
- I will not snap bras
- Garlic gum is not funny
- I will not fake seizures
- They are laughing at me, not with me
- This punishment is not boring and meaningless
- I will not yell "fire" in a crowded classroom
- My name is not Dr. Death
- I will not encourage others to fly
- I will not defame New Orleans
- I will not fake my way through life
- I will not prescribe medication
- Tar is not a plaything
- I will not bury the new kid
- I will not Xerox my butt
- I will not teach others to fly
- It's potato, not potatoe
- I will not bring sheep to class
- I will not trade pants with others
- A burp is not an answer
- The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
- I am not a 32 year old woman
- Teacher is not a leper
- I will not do that thing with my tongue
- Coffee is not for kids
- I will not drive the principal's car
- I will not eat things for money
- I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
- I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call
- I will not sell school property
- The principal's toupee is not a frisbee
- I will not cut corners
- I will not squeak chalk
- I do not have diplomatic immunity
- I will not charge admission to the bathroom
- I will not get very far with this attitude
- Goldfish don't bounce
- I will not make flatulent noises in class
- Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
- I will not belch the National Anthem
- No one is interested in my underpants
- I will not sell land in Florida
- I will not sell miracle cures
- I will not grease the monkey bars
- Underwear should be worn on the inside
- I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
- The Christmas pageant does not stink
- I will not do anything bad ever again
- I will not torment the emotionally frail
- I will not show off
- I will not call the principal "spud head"
- I will not carve gods
- I will not sleep through my education
- I will not spank others
- I am not a dentist
- I will not bribe Principal Skinner
- Spitwads are not free speech
- I will finish what I start
- Nobody likes sunburn slappers
- "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender
- High explosives and school don't mix
- Hamsters cannot fly
- All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy
- I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
- I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
- My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
- I will not go near the kindergarden turtle
- I am not deliciously saucy
- Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
- I will not send lard through the mail
- I will not use abbrev.
- Five days is not too long to wait for a gun
- Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal
- Indian burns are not our cultural heritage
- There are plenty of businesses like show business
- I will not dissect things unless instructed
- I will not hang donuts on my person
- No one wants to hear my armpits
- I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface
- I will not celebrate meaningless milestones
- I will not strut around like I own the place
- Next time it could be me on the scaffolding
- The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far
- I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist
- I am not a lean mean spitting machine
- The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan
- I will not whittle hall passes out of soap
- Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things
- I do not have power of attorney over first graders
- I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr
- I am not certified to remove asbestos
- "Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice
- I will remember to take my  medication
- The boys room is not a water park
- Beans are neither fruit nor musical
- Nerve gas is not a toy
- "Bewitched" does not promote Satanism
- The First Amendment does not cover burping
- Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough
- Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does