|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Cat
Humour |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
This was not written by myself but was definitely written
by a cat lover; Marie
BASIC RULES FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSE TO RUN DOORS
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To
get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is
opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside"
door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This
is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito
season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
HAIRS and RUGS If you have to throw up, get to a
chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there
is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure
you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
HAMPERING
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is
idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering."
Following are the rules for "hampering": a) When supervising cooking, sit just
behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better
chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers,
get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across
the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the
most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the
most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap
the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it.
Remember that the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects
make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you. d) For people
paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards
(annual activity) keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper
being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When
activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the
best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils,
and erasers off the table, one at a time. e) When a human is holding the newspaper
in front of him/her is sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
BATHROOMS
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything
-- just sit and stare. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
BEDTIME
Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
CAT
GAMES "Catch Mouse": The humans would have you believe that those
lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually
Bed Mice; rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though
no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most
ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers
to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse! |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
FOOD
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating,
however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have
two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must
be fed *NOW*; and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting
fed. a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail
in their dishes when they are not looking. b) Never eat food from your own bowl
if you can steal some from the table. c) Never drink from your own water bowl
if a human's glass is full enough to drink from. d) Should you catch something
of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent
-- your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave. e) Table scraps
are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily
part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms
of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the
humans don't forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping
onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway
between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around
people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
HUMANS
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention
to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity
when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house.
Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are
consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|