She's taller than the Water Tower!
Her foot is bigger than a CTA bus!
Her butt is larger than the Picasso Statue!
Her breasts are larger than the Goodyear Blimp!
IT'S...
Selina stepped off the plane at O'Hare Airport. She picked up a local paper and scanned the front page.
"It's a relief not to see anything about Batman!" she thought.
What brought her to Chicago was an uneasy feeling. She had been expecting Jimmy Blanchard's organization to make some sort of announcement about their New Messiah¹, but nothing. Selina decided she'd better check up on these guys. She was especially concerned about Franklin Jameson and his little cloning project.
"No telling what those two are scheming! If they're on to the fact I switched a blood sample from The Shroud of Turin with my own..."
She took the train to the Loop and checked into a hotel. Her room looked out over Lake Michigan and the view was like a picture postcard.
"Wow!" she thought, "Now if only Gotham City would clean up their act! I think I'll do some shopping first!"
Selina used her shopping trip to get familiar with the city, checking out the stores, banks, museums, and other places of interest to Catwoman.
"Maybe it's time for The Windy City to get a taste of my whip!"
That night Selina spread out a map of Chicago on her bed.
"Hmm...where is Jameson's laboratory?"
After a bit of a search, she found his lab in the northwest suburbs.
"Ah, ha! Here it is, next to Woodfield Mall!"
She rented a fast car and drove out to the suburbs. It was about eight o'clock in the evening and the lab was in a commercial building next to the mall. Selina parked her car away from the parking lot's lights and changed into her catsuit.
"Ooh! I always love this part!" she thought. She started with the legs and worked her way up, smoothing out the wrinkles as she went. Soon all was in order.
Getting into the closed office building was childishly easy. A quick check of the directory gave her the location of Jameson Labs, on the third floor. Catwoman used the stairwell and was there in a flash. What she wasn't prepared for was the fact that his labs occupied the entire third floor.
"What a layout!" she thought. "Jameson must be doing well!"
With only a little more difficulty, the Feline Fatale managed to pick the lock and bypass the security system. She found a room layout in the receptionist's desk and located Jameson's office. She silently crept in and turned on her pocket flashlight. Catwoman whistled.
"The only other office I've seen that was this large was Bruce Wayne's!"
She broke into his desk and studied his correspondence. She found his computer, turned the monitor so it couldn't be seen from the entrance and fired it up. Checking his e-mail, she came to the conclusion that Jameson was in big trouble.
"I see Blanchard is not happy with his progress," she thought. "He's calling Jameson daily for progress reports. Time to see what's brewing in the lab!"
Catwoman made her way around the complex of labs until she found a locked door with a much more elaborate lock..
"Hmm...what have we here?"
It took most of her skills to break the code, but she was rewarded with a buzz and a click of the deadbolt. Catwoman closed the door behind her and turned on the lights.
"My God, it looks like Frankenstein's lab!"
There were the usual bubbling retorts and flasks, but scattered here and there were tanks with human body parts in them, being kept alive with IV tubes. One held a small fetus, and was female. It was also dead. A label on the tank said: 'SHROUD SAMPLE'.
"Could this be my clone?" she wondered.
Catwoman opened a drawer and found a status report that stated the fetus was indeed from her phony Shroud sample and Jameson couldn't understand why it was female, so he had it terminated, assuming it was some sort of contamination. Her maternal instincts kicked in.
"I feel like I've lost a sister!" she muttered. "You'll pay for this, Jameson!"
In another corner of the lab she found cages of lab mice, some gigantic.
"I half expect to see Pinky and The Brain© here somewhere! This is where he's working on his growth formula!"
"You're right, Catwoman!" a man's voice said behind her.
Catwoman turned around and found herself staring down the barrel of a gun, held by Jameson himself.
"So nice of you to drop by," he smirked. "What do you think of my little operation?"
"Frankenstein would be proud."
"I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got work to do!" he stated.
Jameson took out a syringe, ripped open her catsuit on one arm, and injected her.
Catwoman woke up strapped to an operating table. She was relieved to see she was still in her catsuit and hadn't been violated.
"Whew!" she thought. "At least he's not one of those kinky doctors I keep reading about!"
Jameson greeted her. "Good morning, Catwoman! Hope you slept well. We've got a busy day ahead of us!"
"What do you mean?"
"I suspected that blood sample came from you when my clone turned out to be female. Very clever. You got your money without causing a religious upheaval. Unfortunately Blanchard took it out on me and cut off my funds. I only recently got it back when I discovered a tiny trace of DNA on that swatch that didn't come from you."
"Uh, oh!"
"I'm not out of the woods yet," he continued. "There have been problems with the hormone I planned to use to accelerate the clone's growth. I need a human test subject, and you'll do nicely!"
"Double uh, oh!"
"This is perfect revenge for all the trouble you've caused me!"
The next few weeks were hell for Catwoman. Time after time she was injected with a new formula with no effect, other than causing her excruciating pain.
"Well, Catwoman," he gloated. "You have an amazing constitution. You're the first one to survive this long. I don't think you can take much more!"
"F**k you!" was all she could say weakly.
That night she awoke suddenly and felt funny. Her legs were dangling off the end of the table and her restraints seemed to be much tighter than usual.
"What the hell?"
Catwoman felt strangely more powerful. She pulled at her restraints and they snapped one by one. She got up off the table and promptly hit her head on the ceiling.
"Ow! What's going on here? I feel like Alice in Wonderland. Why is everything so small?"
She finally realized that she had gotten bigger instead.
"Oh, no!" she thought. "His formula works!"
Catwoman stumbled around the room, still groggy from the injections. She found the door and burst through it like paper. Workers scattered and lab equipment went flying as she tried to find a way out. Inevitably, a bunsen burner got knocked over, starting a fire. As the smoke and haze grew thicker, her situation grew desperate.
"Must find window..." she mumbled.
Catwoman, now about ten feet tall, jumped headlong through the window just as the lab lit up in a huge explosion. She landed in a fountain, debris falling all around her. The entire third floor was engulfed in flames. Sirens could be heard in the distance. Catwoman dragged herself out of the fountain and somehow managed to squeeze into her car. The only place she could think to go to was back to her hotel. She had to abandon the car several miles from the hotel as she no longer could fit inside of it. By the time she got to the hotel, she had grown so much that she couldn't fit into the entrance. She managed to stumble into Grant Park and collapsed near Buckingham Fountain.
The phone rang next morning in Mayor Daley's office. In fact, all the phones were ringing.
"Let me see if I got this straight," Daley said. "A fifty-foot tall woman was found unconscious in Grant Park!"
His eyes rolled up.
"Haven't people got better things to do?" he wondered.
As more and more reports came in, he started to take them seriously. Daley directed the police to converge on the area and requested military backup if necessary.
A cordon of police surrounded the inert figure in the park.
"What do we do now?" one officer asked. "Wake her up?"
The increasing noise and confusion caused the figure to stir. Catwoman awoke with a start. Everyone jumped back about a foot. The police drew their service revolvers and all sorts of artillery were aimed at her.
"Who are you?" one policeman shouted into a bullhorn.
"I'm not sure," she replied, in a voice that was about two octaves lower than usual.
She noticed all the weaponry directed at her and quickly got on her feet. Catwoman was tall enough to look over the top of Buckingham Fountain. Everyone gasped. Being a woman, she thought she'd better check how she looked. Her catsuit was near the breaking point. It wasn't designed to stretch this much.
"Sorry, guys," she boomed. "Time to change into something more comfortable!"
With that, she leaped over the police line and headed for the lake. She dove in and disappeared from sight. All day the airwaves were jammed with news reports about the woman in the tattered costume.
"This morning commuters arriving at work in the Loop were surprised to find a woman lying unconscious in Grant Park. She was estimated to stand at least fifty feet tall and was wearing what appeared to be a torn catsuit. Police haven't been able to identify the woman, but speculate she may be the infamous Catwoman, who may have been the victim of some accident, causing her to grow to enormous size. She fled the scene and disappeared into Lake Michigan. Police are searching the area with sonar-equipped boats and divers have been brought in to try to find the body. We will report any new developments as they occur..."
"In a possibly related story, Jameson Labs was gutted by fire late last night and a very tall figure was spotted leaving the scene. No one was injured, but the lab and everything in it was destroyed.
An ominous silence fell over the city that day. Everyone held their breath, waiting for someone, or something, to emerge from the lake. They didn't have long to wait. Catwoman rose from the lake in an enormous splash, capsizing boats for hundreds of feet around. She rose to her full height, now over one hundred feet, and made for the shore. She had torn apart her catsuit and fashioned a makeshift bikini from it.
"P..L..E..A..S..E......H..E..L..P......M..E....!" she boomed out, but her voice was just a low rumble.
One startled policeman took aim and fired, hitting her in the arm, but she shook it off like it was a beesting. She picked up the officer and threw him several hundred yards into the lake. This was the worst possible scenario: Before Catwoman was confused and disoriented. Now she was confused, disoriented, and angry.
The Feline Fatale waded ashore near Adler Planetarium. She bent over and ripped off the dome of the structure like it was a pop-top can and tossed it into nearby Burnham Park harbor, swamping all the expensive sailboats moored there. Catzilla, as she would later be called, strolled across the harbor like it was a child's wading pool and headed for Soldier Field.
On her way there, she stopped by Shedd Aquarium and stuck her hand in one of the windows and pulled out several large fish, which looked like sardines in her huge hands. She popped them in her mouth and ate them raw. Next stop: Soldier Field!
As luck would have it, a game was in progress. The crowds looked up and saw what they thought were two Goodyear Blimps looming over the stadium. The rest of her came into view and the crowd screamed in terror. She reached down and plucked up one of the goalposts, using it as a toothpick The crowd started to head for the exits. Some would not make it home that night as Catzilla had flattened many of the cars in the parking lot.
Catzilla temporarily turned south to avoid heavy artillery blocking her way to the north. She peeled back the roof of McCormick Place like it was a can of Spam. Since there was an adult video exposition going on, most thought it was part of the show.
"Great special effects!" one exhibitor yelled.
It didn't take long before they realized this wasn't a publicity stunt and bolted for the exits. It was the strangest evacuation ever witnessed. Hundreds of leather-clad domina, bikini-clad babes, and rubber fetishists, all with impossibly huge breasts, ran into the streets.
In the meantime, police and army units had set up positions in the Loop to protect against attack. Their radios were crackling with the news of her re-emergence. The streets were empty, the usual bustling traffic long since departed. In the distance, booming sounds could be heard, about one a second. They were getting louder.
"Heads up, everyone!" one soldier warned.
They now realized the booms were footfalls and their cars and tanks were bouncing up and down in rhythm to the steps.
"boom!..........Boom!..........BOOM!..........BOOM!"
The soldiers looked all around.
"Where is she?"
Suddenly Catzilla burst right through one of the buildings, leaving a gigantic hole. The soldiers immediately opened fire, but with little effect. She continued on her rampage, squashing tanks, heaving buses, punching holes in buildings, and playing with the elevated trains like they were a kid's toy. In her confused state, all the gunfire just made her angrier.
Catzilla paused in front of the John Hancock Center and looked at her reflection in the shiny surface. She adjusted her costume and realized she was still growing. One couple making love inside, oblivious to the commotion, suddenly noticed two huge eyes staring at them. The man would have soiled his pants, had he been wearing them.
She continued north to Daley Plaza. Mayor Daley looked out his fifth-floor office window in horror. She looked right back at him, tripping over the Picasso sculpture in the process. One stomp reduced the sculpture to scrap metal.
"Never liked that statue!" she thought.
The gunfire was increasing and was starting to wear her down. She had to get away. Seeing the Sears Tower nearby, she started the long climb up the side of the structure. The building's sheer sides made climbing difficult. Every once in a while she would kick in a window to use the opening as a footrest. Finally she made it to the top.
"Top of the woild, Ma!" she yelled, but it came out sounding like a growl.
Since she was out of range of ground artillery, the Air Force took up the battle. Helicopters and jets buzzed around her like angry hornets. She instinctively swatted them away, causing some of them to crash in the lake.
"It looks like the end!" she thought.
She climbed up one of the TV antennas. Round after round pummeled her body. What was left of her costume fell away. For a few minutes, the fighter pilots didn't have the heart to shoot at her still-volupuous form. But soon they resumed, and Catzilla couldn't hold on any longer. She let go and tumbled down the side of the building.
Selina awoke with a start. She was drenched with perspiration. It had all been a nightmare.
"Oh, man!" she muttered. "I gotta stop eating tacos and beans before I go to bed!"
I'm sorry, I apologize to everyone for this story. I don't know what got into me. It is entirely silly and unworthy of my readers. I got a picture from one reader which had a huge Catwoman looming over a city skyline, and I couldn't help myself. I borrowed not only from this summer's Godzilla, but also King Kong, and one of my favorite bad movies, Attack of the 50-Foot Woman. I promise it won't happen again, although I must admit I would pay big bucks to witness such a spectacle.
This story is by Al Tootikan. He is a big Catwoman/Batman fan and writes most of his fanfics about them. I personally thought this one was pretty good, if not cheesy. Be sure to email with your comments and feedback.
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