~My Story~

Hi,well I guess you have already seen the page that I have created with my links to other gay,lesbian and bisexual sites.I hope that you have found what you were looking for.I just wanted to take a few minutes to tell you my story,so here it goes.

My name is Mike,I live in a rural part of central Pennsylvania.I am 23 years old,5'5",140 lbs.,bleached blonde/brown hair and hazel eyes,just to paint a picture.I lived on our family farm all my life,it was fun helping my dad and grandfather when we were kids,but as I got older their was no interest for being a farmer.The farm was split by a dirt road with my grandparents living across the road from me and my aunt and uncle living across the yard,kind of a close nit family.It was me my sister and our four cousins,we were practically raised together as brothers and sisters.I am stll pretty close with my sister although she don't know who I really am,I do think with time she could understand.She is married and has to kids of her own now,if something would happen to my to nephews I think I would die.I think the reason I don't tell her is the phobia that people have about gay men mollesting children,I hope she wouldn't think that way but you never know.As for my cousins I don't really see them all that much anymore although we all live within an eighth of a mile of each other,that kind of bothers me,but we are different people now and they wouldn't accept me for who I am.

When we were younger their were these three guys that always walked the road in the summer,they were notacably gay.We would always pick on them everytime they would walk through.A few years later they moved out and it was said that one of them had died from AIDS.

I never really thought much about my sexuality in my early teen years,I wasn't really attracted to anyone sexualy at this point,yeah there were a few girls that I thouht to be somewhat cute but as far as dating or anything their were no feelings there.As I got a little older I went out with a few girl but had no feelings for them,sure they were attractive but their was something missing.

When I was 16 my parents were divorced,I don't blame my mother for leaving.My father wasn't around all that much,he worked out of town alot when I was younger.Later when he did get a job that he didn't have to travel he worked all day and when he got home from his job he worked some more on the family farm.After he was done with all that he would kick back a six pack of beer,that didn't leave much time for a family.

It was when I was 17 I finally forced myself to have sex with my current girlfriend.We had sex a few times,what a let down.That relationship lasted only a few months.

When I was 19 my life came to a screaching halt.It was the hardest time of my life.My father was diagnost as having a brain tumor,they operated to try and remove it but he never regained conciousness after the sugery.I was devastated,I still am.The hardest thing is not being able to tell him who I really am,and for him to tell me that he loves me unconditionaly,no matter who I choose to love,and for me not being able to tell him that I love him the same way.

Two years later my grandfather passed,he was more of a father to me,he was always their for me and we would always do stuff together,no matter what it was I always had fun and looked up to him.I love him so much.They are wright when they say that love never dies,I think of my dad and gradfather often and I cry everytime.

Anyhow back to the moral of the story.Somewere in between I started to figure why I was never really attracted to those girls that I went out with.I was in a three year relationship with a girl,that started when I was 18.I think that I truely did love her,she was their for me when both my dad and grandfather died.As time went on though I felt emptier and emptier inside and I noticed that I was becoming more attracted to other guys and their smooth bodies.At the three year point I couldn't deny my feelings anymore.Needless to say that was the end of that relationship.

I am now 23 and truely in love.It was around the middle of September 1998 when I met the love of my life,his name is Chad.That soulmate stuff you here about,well,I think their is something to it.

It was around Thanksgiving when my mom started to ask questions about who has been staying at my place and if I was seeing anyone.I wanted to come out and just tell her but it wasn't that easy,seeing as how other family members were their,so I just played along and let them believe that it was a girl I was seeing.

A few weeks later it got back to my mom that this mysterious person wasn't a girl.It was hard,in fact to be outed by my grandmother as she was the one that told my mom all of this stuff.Christmas day came,I was the last one at my mothers apartment,I wanted to tell her so bad.When I was leaving I sat in my car for at least five minutes,wanting to go back in and tell her.

It was Sunday,January 2nd 1999.I was at my mothers apartment,we had just returned from doing some shopping,their was a message on her answering machine.It was my grandmother,saying for my mom to call her.I told my mom to go ahead,I was kind of curious as to what she wanted.When my mom got off of the phone I asked her what my grandmother wanted,She told my mom again about this guy that had been staying at my place and how they thought that he was my friend(not my roomates' who happens to be a girl).My grandmother told my mom that and that she had something else to tell her the next time she saw her,That she wanted to tell her in person,not over the phone.My mom asked me what this was all about,and who this person was,I didn't answer her.I went and took her trash down for her and smoked a cigarette.When I went back in my mom was just standing their with a wierd look on her face.She asked me,"what,is he your boyfriend or something?"I didn't know what to say,I just stood their staring at the floor,then I couldn't take it anymore,I started to cry and I said "it depends how much you are going to hate me."I guess that was her answer.It took her about a minute before it really sunk in.She came to me and hugged me,she told me that she would always love me,that no matter what,I was always her son. I cried on her shoulder for a minute or so.

On my way home I stopped at the cemetary.Now if only I could tell my dad and grandfather,it really bothers me,to feel like I am letting them down,I am the only one to carry on the family name and to wander if they would tell me the same things as my mom did.I must have stayed their about a half hour just thinking about that.

Their are a few people that know,my roomate for one,she was the first to know how I felt and a few other friends.That is it,for how I feel at this time nobody else needs to know.

At first I was mad because I was different from how I was brought up to believe I should feel,I tried to hide my feelings and be straight,but it don't work.I guess what I am trying to say is be yourself and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.You are the only one that knows how you feel on the inside.Looking back it really upsets me that I took part in calling those three guys names I will not mention,because now I know how they feel,that they just wanted to love and to be loved for who they are.

People say that it is not normal to feel this way and to love someone of the same sex,but who is to say what normal is? I'm not going to try and say what normal is so why should they? I do know however that everyone deserves to be loved unconditionaly.Those years when I tried to hide my true feelngs were the most miserable years of my life,no matter how hard I tried the feelings wouldn't go away.You can never be happy trying to hide from your own feelings,they will always come back to haunt you.You hear of people that are married and have kids and they are miserable because they thought that the feelings they had would go away,but they didn't.Now they are in a relationship,not saying that they don't love their wife or husband but still,they are miserable.

I know that it is hard to tell someone that you aren't who they thought you were.No matter who you are and who you love and decide to be with,those that you tell will understand and love you for who you are,if they don't then you know that they were never your friend to begin with or they never did love you.That is the funny thing about love,people tell you that they love you but they put limitations on their love,if so you know that they too lied,because love is unconditional.If a person truely loves you it won't matter to them who you are or who you love.