TITLE: Reflections

AUTHOR: Micaela

SERIES: TNG

RATING: PG

CODES: (R/T, short story prose)

SUMMARY: Deanna Troi wages a battle within herself concerning her life with Will Riker.

Where do I go from here? Do I allow my heart to be exposed once again? Can I trust without getting hurt? I know I love him, I have from the very beginning. It was an instant connection for me. Even before I actually met him, I knew him. From the depths of my soul I knew him. The first time I saw him, my heart was lost forever.

But, now … where do I go from here? We have been through so much – together and separately. So many loves have come and gone – but none that could measure up to the one we shared … still share now. Am I ready to tear down the walls that I put up around my heart? The walls that have protected me from pain, from loneliness, from despair.

Is my soul able to take the risk? I stopped caring, stopped feeling, stopped laughing, stopped loving long ago. I am not sure that I even know where to begin. I promised myself – no more, not ever again. Regardless of how it looks and feels right now, it just hurts too much – it cuts too deeply when it is over.

One perfect night. We just shared one perfect night. I guess that is a step in the right direction. Still, I did not fully open my heart, expose my soul to him. Am I ready? How can I be sure?

Am I willing to try – just one more time? What will happen to me – to my sanity … to my very essence if we fail? They say ‘nothing ventured, nothing gained’. But I have ventured many times before and lost. What makes this time different, unique? Is it him or is it me?

I know that I need him to complete me, to make me whole. I know we have changed, grown, matured. My heart begs, "This time will be different … I promise." I am so torn with indecision.

I look down at his sleeping form. I reach out and search his very core of existence. There is no doubt, no questions within him. Only the love and desire he feels for me. The commitment he wants to make to my happiness.

I take a deep breath and sigh. This will be the last time I try. I can take no more hurt, no more disappointment. But I look at the man I love and I whisper softly, "One more time."

I take apart the walls – piece by piece. I allow my emotions free reign once more and they flow through me with great force. I feel like a butterfly newly loosed from my cocoon. I complete the connection between us that I once tried to sever. Our bonding is now eternal.

My mind, my heart, my soul, my very being is finally free. Free to laugh, live and love once again. The joy is tremendous. I had forgotten what it felt like to be happy.

It takes a good deal of faith and trust to risk love. But for him, for my Imzadi … it is worth the risk.

the end

Micaela

8.13.99