October 1999

Star Trek: The Next Generation

I Have Nothing

by Micaela

I have nothing.

To be completely honest, that isn’t true. I have a good life. I have wonderful friends. A great home. A challenging and satisfying career. A mother who loves me. That is more than many people have in a lifetime.

Then why do I feel so empty, so completely alone?

I have nothing.

Actually, my life isn’t too bad. I am the First Officer of the finest ship in the fleet. I am well liked and respect by my crew. I have close friends nearby. My charm still seems to work on the ladies. There are lots of people that would kill to be in my shoes.

Then why do I feel so empty, so completely alone?

I look deep within myself for the answer. Yet the answer looks me right in the face each day on the bridge. He sits beside me at the poker table. He joins me for dinner a couple of nights a week. He sleeps just on the other side of this bulkhead from me. Only a few feet away yet it seems like light years.

I stare at my reflection in the mirror. I keep thinking that I will find the answer there. But my heart tells me where to look. It says to search the depths of her onyx eyes. To revel in her sweet presence. To reach across the table in Ten-Forward and take her by the hand. To go to the cabin next door and tell her how I feel. Next door … hell, it might as well by the next quadrant.

I know that until I face this, my life – all that is stands for – will still be for nothing. He is my Imzadi, my soul mate. The one that is my very essence. We forged our bond so long ago, but it has never been completed. That is why my heart fills empty. There remains a space that only he can fill. I NEED HIM. It is that simple. I need him to fulfill my life. But what if he doesn’t need me?

I run my hand through my graying beard. I laugh sarcastically as I realize how many years it has been since I held her. Not as a friend or confidant. But as a lover, a life partner. Damn it! We are Imzadi. We should be together. THAT is why I feel so empty. I NEED HER. She is the other half of my soul. I need her to complete my life. But have we waited too late? Have I waited too long? If only she would give us a chance. If only ….

I must try. I have to for my own sanity. I can sense that he still cares. I just cannot see to what extent. I need him in my life fully, by my side from here on out. I need us to commit our lives to each other. I want to wake up next to him every morning and feel his lips against mine every night. I want to complete our bond, finalize our link. For me to be whole, I need him. I need my Imzadi. I must try.

I have to give this a shot. I know she still loves me. But can she trust me enough to give us another chance? I have matured and I know what I want in my life. I want her, my beautiful Imzadi. Plain and simple. I want her face to be the last thing I see at night as I close my eyes. I want to taste her sweet lips the first thing in the morning when I wake up. I want to feel her beside me and within me. I want her to share my life. I want us to complete our bond. I want her to marry me. YES! I need her to be my wife and make me whole. I have to try. If I fail, I fail. But I have to try.

As I gather my courage to go next door and talk to him, I hear the door chime to my cabin. It is him! It is Will, my Imzadi. As my voice says "come", my heart is screaming "PLEASE". I can sense a change. Is it the one I have longed for? Is he finally ready? My heart slams against my chest as I look in his face and drown in his smile. Gods, I love this man. With every fiber of my being I love him. I hold my breath … waiting for him to speak.

I have done all I can do to steady myself and prepare for this moment. This night will decide my future, my life, my happiness. I gaze down into her lovely face and I lose myself in her dark eyes. Is that us I see there? She and I together the way we were meant to be … as true Imzadi? My soul cries out ‘yes’ as I take her in my arms and let my feelings flow through her. Our lips meet and my very being is devoured by her all consuming love. Warm tears flow down my face as I sense her answer, as she wraps herself around my heart and settles in for eternity.

I look down at his sleeping form and realize how far we have come in such a short time. It took us a lifetime to come to terms with our need for one another. I love to watch him as he dreams. He smiles in slumber and I can feel his love within my heart. I curl up next to him and revel in his warmth. The last thing I see before closing my eyes is the band of gold he placed on my finger today. Tears of pure joy trickle down my cheeks as I come to realize that now I am complete. Not long ago I felt as if I had nothing. Now as I fall asleep next to the man I love, my Imzadi, I know that I have everything.

I watch her as she sleeps. In all the wonders of this universe I have been blessed to encounter, none can compare to this woman lying next to me. While she is exquisite in her physical attributes, her true beauty lies within. In her devotion to all she holds dear. In her love for me. I caress her soft face and gently finger the new ring on her left hand. She trusted me enough to allow us one more chance. I have now committed my life to her happiness. In return, she has fulfilled me. She has always been the better part of who I am, now she has made me complete. My soul mate, my Imzadi and now my wife. As I kiss her gently and pull her body close to mine I realize … where I once had nothing, I now have everything.

The end

Micaela

10.12.99