/////November 5, 2001 - 9:52am/////

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I don't know whether to feel ashamed or delighted at the events of this weekend. The "shame"
comes from consuming too much booze at a friend's house-party and not knowing for sure if I
acted a fool or was just having a jolly drunken time. When it comes to wine, it can keep
coming as far as I'm concerned and I'll take it on like water on a desert escapade. Fortunately,
I haven't received news of any foolish behavior and most of the night lingers steadily in my
memory. I'm not concerned. On the other hand, when you've had as much as I did Saturday,
little tidbits can be conveniently left out for sanity's sake.

The "delighted" comes from a certain revelation I came to about myself that night. Being the
cold fish that I am,I haven't been able to open up and connect with someone in sh'it knows
how long. That night I did. I don't care what happens next (and I have no way of reconnecting
with him), but the knowing that it can happen - and with me - is a positive sign. I'm not
completely frozen. For the time being I won't be toying with the illusions of a basket case.

Back to the shame: I woke the next morning soaked in a horrible daze. Morning? I meant
afternoon, as I didn't even get to bed until close to 6:00 AM. I hate when I do that. Did I
dream the whole rad evening? Did my alcohol drenched mind make up all the interesting
details of my encounter? Come to think of it, I had been fighting this bug for the past couple
of days, and may have increased the risk of a flu - and hallucination - just by going out. Just by
drinking any alcohol at all. What was I thinking? Here comes the shame again! I am so good at
this.

Now, think about the adult version of this account. That`s what I`ll be doing.


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