JOKES A blonde was driving down the road when a cop pulled her over for speeding. As he approached the blonde's window, he asked to see her driver's license.
"What's that?" asked the confused blonde.
"That's the card with your picture on it that says you can drive," replied the officer.
"Oh," said the blonde, "I have one of those."
"Good, now may I please see your vehicle registration?"
"What's that?" asked the blonde, stumped once again.
"That's the paper that says this car is yours and that it's legal to drive it around."
"Oh," said the blonde, "I have one of those." She handed the cop her license and registration, and he went back to his patrol car to record the information.
A few minutes later, the blonde was reapplying her lipstick in the rearview mirror and saw the officer walking back toward her car. She let out a sigh as she noticed that his fly was undone and said, "Not the breathalizer test again!"   Q: There's a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. All three girls are in the third grade. Which one has the biggest tits? A: The blonde. She's 18. A man rushes in his house and yells to his wife, "Mary, pack your things. I just won the Texas lottery!"
Mary replies, "Should I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!" Q: What's the difference between men and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home. One day while out in his yard, Mike noticed a hearse slowly driving by. Behind it was a second hearse, a man, a dog, and about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Mike went up to the man behind the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
"My wife," the man replied.
"I'm sorry," said Mike. "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died."
Mike then asked the man who was in the second hearse.
The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
Mike thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"
To which the man replied, "Get in line." Q: Why is the laundromat a bad place for guys to pick up women?
A: Because a woman that can't afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. Q: Why are women so bad at math?
A: Because guys keep telling them that this (-----) is twelve inches. A boy walked into a drug store and asked the pharmacist for a pack of condoms.
"How many do you need?" asked the pharmacist. "They come in packs of one, three, and twelve."
"Well," answered the boy, "I've been seeing this girl for quite some time now. I'm going to meet her parents tonight, and then we're going to go see a movie. I have a feeling that this is going to be the big night, so I'd better get a pack of twelve." The boy then took his purchase and left.
Later that evening, as the boy sat down to have dinner with his girlfriend and her parents, he eagerly volunteered to say grace. He prayed for several minutes before finally ending the prayer.
His girlfriend then exclaimed, "Wow, you never told me you were so religious!"
The boy replied, "You never told me your father was a pharmacist!"
Q: What's the difference between a blimp and a thousand used condoms?
A: One's a Goodyear, and the other's a damn good year! Two vampires walk into a bar. One orders a bloody mary, and the other orders a glass of water.
The first vampire turns to the second vampire and says, "You wuss! Water?"
"Yeah," said the second vampire, pulling a used tampon out of his pocket, "I'm making tea!" Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask which period it came from. Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
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