Season 1
RACHEL: Uh, Pheebs? Who's
George Snuffalopagus?
PHOEBE: Big Bird's friend.
MONICA: I see pizza!
PHOEBE: Oh, I wanna see!
Lemme see! Lemme see! (RUNS UP AND TAKES THE BINOCULARS)
RACHEL: Hello? Who are
we spying on?
MONICA: White House adviser?
Clinton's campaign guy? The one with the great hair, sexy smile, really
cute butt?
RACHEL: Oh, him, the little
guy? Oh, I love him!
PHOEBE: Ooh, wait.. wait,
I see a woman.
MONICA: Please tell me
it's his mother.
PHOEBE: Definitely not
his mother.
MONICA: Oh, no...
PHOEBE: Oh, wait, she's
walking across the floor.. she's walking.. she's walking.. she's going
for the pizza- (YELLS) Hey, that's not for you, bitch!
(PHOEBE COVERS HER MOUTH
WITH HER HAND AND WALKS AWAY FROM THE WINDOW)
Ep. 4 ~TOW George Stephanopoulos~
PHOEBE: There he is! There
he is!
MONICA: Where?
PHOEBE: Right- where we've
been looking all night!
RACHEL: He is so cute!
MONICA: Oh, George, baby,
drop the towel!
ALL: Yeah, drop it! Drop
the towel! Please drop the- (PAUSE) -wowww.
Ep. 4 ~TOW George Stephanopoulos~
RACHEL: Ok, ok, Roger was
creepy, but he was nothing compared to Pete Carney.
MONICA: Which one was Pete
Carney?
RACHEL: Pete the Weeper?
Remember that guy who used to cry every time we had sex. [imitating] "Was
it good for you?"
MONICA: Yeah, well, I'll
take a little crying any day over Howard-the-"I-win"-guy. [imitating] "I
win! I win!" I went out with the guy for two months--I didn't get to win
once.
RACHEL: How did we end
up with these jerks? We're good people!
MONICA: I don't know. Maybe
we're some kinda magnets.
PHOEBE: I know I am. That's
why I can't wear a digital watch.
MONICA: There's more beer,
right?
PHOEBE: Oh! You know my
friend Abby who shaves her head? She said that if you want to break the
bad boyfriend cycle, you can do like a cleansing ritual.
RACHEL: Phoebes, this woman
is voluntarily bald.
PHOEBE: Yeah. So, we can
do it tomorrow night, you guys. It's Valentine's Day. It's perfect.
MONICA: Ok, well, what
kind of ritual?
PHOEBE: Ok. We can, um,
we can burn the stuff they gave us.
RACHEL: Or?
PHOEBE: Or...or we can
chant and dance around naked, you know, with sticks.
MONICA: Burning's good.
RACHEL: Burning's good.
Yeah, I got stuff to burn.
Ep. 14 ~TOW The Candy Hearts~
Rachel: [opening mail] Can
you believe what a jerk Ross was being?
Monica: Yeah, I know. He
can get really competitive.
Phoebe: Ha. Ha, ha.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Oh, hello, kettle?
This is Monica. You're black.
Monica: Please! I am not
as bad as Ross.
Rachel: Oh, I beg to differ.
The Pictionary incident?
Monica: That was not an
incident! I-I was gesturing, a-and the plate slipped out of my hand.
Rachel: Oooooh. [reads
letter] [surprised]: Oh! I got an interview! I got an interview!
Monica: You're kidding!
Where? Where?
Rachel: [in disbelief]:
Sak's... Fifth... Avenue.
Monica: Oh, Rachel!
Phoebe: Oh, it's like the
mother ship is calling you home.
Monica: Well, what's the
job?
Rachel: Assistant buyer.
Oh! I would be shopping... for a living!
[Knock on door.]
Monica: OK, look. That
is Aunt Iris. This woman has been playing poker since she was five. You
gotta listen to every word she says. [opens door] Hi!
IRIS: Is Tony Randall dead?
Rachel: No.
Monica: I don't think so.
Rachel: Why?
IRIS: Well, he may be now,
because I think I hit him with my car.
Monica: What?
Rachel: Oh my God!
Monica: Really?
IRIS: No! That's bluffing.
Lesson number one. [walks into kitchen] Let me tell you something... everything
you hear at a poker game is pure crap. [to Phoebe]: Nice earrings.
Phoebe: Thank y-- [thinks
about it]
IRIS: Girls, sit down.
Monica: Uh, Aunt Iris?
This is Phoebe, and that's Rachel...
IRIS: Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, listen, I am parked at a meter. Let's do it.
Ep. 18 ~TOW All The Poker~
MNCA: Uh, so, uh, Rach,
uh... do you wanna save this wrapping paper, I mean, it's only a little
bit torn... so are you gonna go for it with Ross or should I just throw
it out?
RACH: I don't know. I don't
know... I thought about it all the way there, and I thought about it all
the way back... and, uh, oh, you guys, y'know, it's Ross. Y'know what I
mean? I mean, it's Ross.
PHOE/MNCA: Sure.
RACH: I don't know, I mean,
this is just my initial gut feeling... but I'm thinking... oh, I'm thinking
it'd be really great.
MNCA: Oh my God, me too!
Oh! Oh, we'd be like friends-in-law! Y'know what the best part is? The
best part is that you already know everything about him! I mean, it's like
starting on the fifteenth date!
PHOE: Yeah, but, y'know,
it's... it would be like starting on the fifteenth date.
MNCA: Another good point.
PHOE: No, I mean, I mean,
when you're at the fifteenth date, y'know, you're already in a very relationshippy
place. Y'know, it's...you're committed.
RACH: [confused] Huh?
PHOE: Well, I mean, then
what happens if it doesn't work out?
MNCA: Why isn't it working
out?
RACH: I don't know... sometimes
it doesn't.
MNCA: Is he not cute enough
for you?
RACH: No!
MNCA: Does he not make
enough money?
RACH: No, I'm just....
PHOE: Maybe there's someone
else.
RACH: Wha--
MNCA: Is there? Is there
someone else?
RACH: No! There is.. there
is noone else!
MNCA: Then why the hell
are you dumping my brother?!?
Ep. 24 ~TOW Rachel Finds Out~
Season 2
RACH: Ross kissed me.
MNCA: Oh my god, oh my
god, oh my god!
RACH: It was unbelievable!
MNCA: Oh my god, oh my
god, oh my god!
PHOE: Ok, all right. We
want to hear everything. Monica, get the wine and unplug the phone. Rachel,
does this end well or do we need to get tissues?
RACH: Oh, it ended very
well.
PHOE: Oh.
MNCA: [getting the wine]
Do not start without me. Do not start without me.
PHOE: Ok, all right, let's
hear about the kiss. Was it like, was it like a soft brush against your
lips? Or was it like a, you know, a "I gotta have you now" kind of thing?
RACH: Well, at first it
was really intense, you know. And then, oh, god, and then we just sort
of sunk into it.
PHOE: Ok, so, ok, was he
holding you? Or was his hand like on your back?
RACH: No, actually first
they started on my waist. And then, they slid up, and then, they were in
my hair.
PHOE/MNCA: Ohhhh.
Ep. 8 ~TOW The List~
PHOEBE: OK, Rachel, why
don't you start talking first.
RACHEL: Alright, I feel
that this is totally unjustified. [Monica starts making faces behind her
back] She gave me the green light, I did nothing but-. Do you think I can't
see you in the TV set?
PHOEBE: Alright Monica,
if there is something that you would like to share...
MONICA: Ya know, you had
no right to go out with him.
RACHEL: That is the most
ridiculous.
MONICA: You sold me out.
RACHEL: I did not sell
you out.
MONICA: Yes you did. Absolutely.
RACHEL: Would you let me
talk. [flicks Monica on the forehead]
MONICA: Did you just flick
me?
RACHEL: OK, well, you wouldn't
let me finish and I was jus- [Monica flicks her back] Ow. That hurt [flicks
Monica]
MONICA: Quit flicking [flicks]
RACHEL: Ow, you stop flicking.
MONICA: You flicked me
first.
[They keep flicking each
other. This turns into slapping each other. This leads to wrestling on
the floor. All the while Phoebe is saying "Happy thoughts". Eventually
Phoebe gets fed up.]
PHOEBE: OK, now I'm gonna
kick some ass.
[Phoebe grabs each of them
by an ear]
MONICA AND RACHEL: Ow.
Ow. Ow.
PHOEBE: Alright, now I
will let go if you both stop.
RACHEL: Oh, what do you,
you want me to stop seeing him, is that what you want?
MONICA: Uh-huh.
RACHEL: You want me to
just call him up and tell him that you're seeing him instead? That's what
you want?
MONICA: OK.
RACHEL: Oh that's what
you want.
MONICA: Yes.
RACHEL: Fine.
MONICA: Fine,
PHOEBE: There we go.You
know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.
Ep. 13 ~TOW The Superbowl,
Part 2~
MONICA: Say you're sorry.
RACHEL: No. [hitting each
other]
MONICA: Say it.
RACHEL: No. [hitting again]
[Monica grabs Rachel by
the sweater. Rachel squirms out of it]
MONICA: Rachel, you say
you're sorry or your sweater gets it.
RACHEL: OK, OK, that is
my favorite sweater, that is my third date sweater.
MONICA: Say you're sorry.
RACHEL: OK, you wanna play?
OK, let's play, let's play. [She grabs a jar of tomato sauce and Monica's
purse]
MONICA: What're you gonna
do?
RACHEL: You give me back
my sweater or it's handbag marinara.
MONICA: You don't have
the guts.
RACHEL: Oh yeah. Well,
at least I wasn't too chicken to tell some guy I thought he was cute.
[Monica pulls a thread
on Rachel's sweater and Rachel dumps the tomato sauce in Monica's purse]
PHOEBE: Oh alright, stop,
STOP THE MADNESS. This is crazy. Who can even remember why this even started
in the first place?
[Monica and Rachel start
yelling at the same time]
PHOEBE: Yes that's right.
But still, I-, look at your purse, look at your sweater, look at yourselves.
MONICA: I'll help you fix
your sweater.
RACHEL: I'll help you throw
out your purse.
MONICA: I'm sorry that
I made you stop seeing him.
RACHEL: Well, I'm sorry
I went out with him when I knew you liked him.
MONICA: I'm sorry that
I borrowed your gloves [pulls Rachel's gloves out of her purse]
Ep. 13 ~TOW The Superbowl,
Part 2~
PHOEBE: Ok, question number
28, have you ever allowed a lighning bearer to take your wind? I would
have to say no.
MONICA: And I would have
to say pah-huh.
PHOEBE: What?
MONICA: Do you not remember
the puppet guy?
RACHEL: Yeah you like totally
let him wash his feet in the pool of your inner power.
MONICA: And his puppet
too.
PHOEBE: Yeah ok, well at
least I didn't let some guy into the forest of my righteous truth on the
first date.
MONICA: Who?
PHOEBE: Paul.
MONICA: Oh.
RACHEL: Ok, ok, ok, moving
on, moving on, next question. Ok number 29, have you ever betrayed another
goddess for a lightning bearer? Ok, number 30.
MONICA: Woah, woah, woah,
let's go back to 29.
RACHEL: Not uh, not to
my recollection.
MONICA: Huuh, alright,
Danny Arshak, ninth grade. Oh, c'mon Rach, you know the bottle was totally
pointing at me.
RACHEL: Only 'cause you
took up half the circle.
PHOEBE: Listen to you two.
It's so sad. Looks like I'm gonna be going to the goddess meetings alone.
RACHEL: Well not when they
find out you slept with Jason Hurley an hour after he broke up with Monica.
MONICA: One hour? You are
such a leaf blower.
[Monica goes into her room
and slams the door. Rachel does the same. Phoebe, without a door to slam,
opens a small chest and slams the lid.]
Ep. 19 ~TOW Eddie Won't Go~ and thanks to Bumblebee
Season 4
Rachel: Ugh. (She goes over
and lays her head on Phoebe?s lap.)
Phoebe: (looks at Monica)
Hey, y?know what might cheer you up?
Rachel: What?
[Time lapse, all three
girls are now wearing wedding dresses, eating popcorn, drinking beer, and
watching TV.]
Rachel: Y?know, I gotta
tell ya, this really does put in a better mood.
Monica: Oh, I wish there
was a job where I could wear this all the time. (Pause) Maybe someday,
there will be.
(There?s a knock on the
door.)
Monica: Oh God! He?s gonna
come by and borrow some candles for his big date!
Rachel: Oh, okay! (She
goes to answer the door.)
Monica: No-no, Rachel,
don?t get it! He can?t see us!
Phoebe: No, yeah! The groom
cannot see the bride!
Rachel: I?m not gonna marry
Chandler!
Phoebe: Not after this!
Rachel: Okay, you guys,
just relax. (She goes over to open the door, and as she does, she says.)
I doooo. (Sees that it?s Joshua, not Chandler that knocked on the door.)
Joshua: I gotta go.
Rachel: Oh, wait, Joshua!
Joshua! (Pause) (Comes back inside) Yeah, well, that oughta do it.
Ep. 20 ~TOW All The Wedding
Dresses~
Rachel: I still don?t get
how you know when it?s false labour.
Phoebe: Well, do you see
any babies?
Monica: How do you feel?
Phoebe: Okay, I guess.
I mean? I don?t know, it?s just, I guess I know it?s going to be over soon.
Rachel: Well, isn?t that
a good thing? You said you were sick of this.
Phoebe: I know. It?s just
y?know usually when you?re, when you?re done with the pregnant thing, y?know,
then you get to do the mom thing. I?m gonna be y?know, sitting around in
my leather pants, drinking Tequila.
Monica: Some moms do that.
Phoebe: Okay that?s even
sadder. Look, I know, I know what I got myself into, it?s just that now
that they?re in me it?s like, it?s like I know them y?know, I mean-I mean,
it?s just not gonna be easy when these little babies have to go away.
Monica: Aww, sweetie, but
it?s not like you?re not gonna have anything. You?re gonna have nieces
and nephews, and some ways that?s even better.
Phoebe: Yeah, okay.
Rachel: No, really. Really,
Pheebs, you?re not gonna be the one worrying about saving for college,
or yelling at them when they?re bad, y?know, or deciding to put them on
Ritalin when they just won?t calm down. Y?know?
Monica: I mean, you?re
the one they?re gonna come to when they wanna run away from home, and the
one they talk to about sex.
Rachel: And you just get
to be cool Aunt Phoebe!
Phoebe: Cool Aunt Phoebe.
I am pretty cool!
Monica: Yeah.
Rachel: And y?know what
else, oh my God, are they gonna love you.
Phoebe: They are gonna
love me.
Rachel: Oh!
Phoebe: Thanks you guys!
Again.
Monica: Oh, sweetie! (They
all hug.)
Phoebe: You?re the best.
Thanks. Oh!
Monica and Rachel: What?!
Phoebe: Just kidding. Ahh!
Rachel: What?!
Monica: Oh my God!
Phoebe: Got cha again,
you guys are so easy.
Ep. 22 ~TOW The Worst Best
Man Ever~