Season 1
JOEY: Hey, if Little Joey's
dead, then I got no reason to live!
ROSS: Joey, uh- OMnipotent.
JOEY: You are? Ross, I'm
sorry..
Ep. 4 ~TOW George Stephanopoulos~
JOEY: It's never gonna happen.
ROSS: [innocently] What?
JOEY: You and Rachel.
ROSS: [acts surprised]
What? [pause] Why not?
JOEY: Because you waited
too long to make your move, and now you're in the friend zone.
ROSS: No, no, no. I'm not
in the zone.
JOEY: Ross, you're mayor
of the zone.
Ep. 7 ~TOW the Blackout~
Ross: Hey, is Chandler here?
Joey: Yeah.
[Ross drags Joey into the
hall and slams the door]
Ross: Okay, uh, about last
night, um, Chandler.. you didn't tell... [Joey shakes his head] Okay, 'cause
I'm thinking- we don't need to tell Chandler, I mean, it was just a kiss,
right? One kiss? No big deal? Right?
Joey: Right. No big deal.
Ross: Okay.
Joey: In Bizarro World!!
You broke the code!
Ross: What code?
Joey: You don't kiss your
friend's mom! Sisters are okay, maybe a hot-lookin' aunt... but not a mom,
never a mom!
[Chandler opens the door
and startles them. He picks up the paper]
Chandler: What are you
guys doing out here?
Ross: Uh.. uh.. Well, Joey
and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game. But,
um, apparently, somebody overslept.
Joey: Yeah, well, you don't
have your racket.
Ross: No, no I don't, because
it's being restrung, somebody was supposed to bring me one.
Joey: Yeah, well you didn't
call and leave your grip size.
Chandler: Okay, you guys
spend waaaay too much time together. [Goes back inside and shuts the door]
Ross: Okay, I'm scum, I'm
scum.
Joey: Ross, how could you
let this happen?
Ross: I don't know, God,
I- well, it's not like she's a regular mom, y'know? She's, she's sexy,
she's-
Joey: You don't think my
mom's sexy?
Ross: Well- not in the
same way...
Joey: I'll have you know
that Gloria Tribbiani was a handsome woman in her day, alright? You think
it's easy giving birth to seven children?
Ross: Okay, I think we're
getting into a weird area here...
[Mon+Rach's door opens
and Rachel and Paolo emerge]
Rachel: Hey.
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: What're you guys
doing out here?
Ross: Well, not playing
raquetball!
Joey: He forgot to leave
his grip size!
Ross: He didn't get the
goggles!
Rachel: Well,sounds like
you two have issues.
[She and Paolo walk a little
way down the hall]
Rachel: Goodbye, baby.
Paolo: Ciao, bela.
[They kiss. Ross is watching
them]
Ross: Do they wait for
me to do this?
[Joey and Ross go into
Monica and Rachel's apartment]
Joey: So are you gonna
tell him?
Ross: Why would I tell
him?
Joey: How about 'cause
if you don't, his mother might.
Ross: Oh...
Monica: [Entering] What
are you guys doing here?
Joey: Uhhhh.... he's not
even wearing a jockstrap!
Monica: ...What did I ask?
Ep. 11 ~TOW Mrs. Bing~
JOEY: [in disbelief] Vulva?
ROSS: Alright, I panicked,
alright? She took me by surprise. You know, but it wasn't a total loss.
I mean, we ended up cuddling.
JOEY: [sarcastic] Whoaa!!
You cuddled? How many times??
ROSS: Shut up! It was nice.
I just... I don't think I'm the dirty-talking kind of guy, you know?
JOEY: What's the big deal?
You just say what you want to do to her. Or what you want her to do to
you. Or what you think other people might be doing to each other. I'll
tell you what. Just try something on me.
ROSS: [deadpan] Please
be kidding.
JOEY: Why not? Come on!
Close your eyes and tell me what you'd like to be doing right now.
ROSS: OK. [closes eyes]
I'm in my apartment...
JOEY: ....yeah... what
else?
ROSS: That's it. I'm in
my apartment, you're not there, we're not having this conversation. [gets
up, walks across room]
JOEY: [walks to catch up
to him] Alright, look, I'll start, OK?
ROSS: Joey, please.
JOEY: Come on. Come on.
Alright, ready, look! [in a low voice] Oh... Ross.... you get me so hot.
I want your lips on me now.
ROSS: [impressed] Wow.
JOEY: Alright, now you
say something.
ROSS: I... ahem... I really
don't think so.
JOEY: Come on! You like
this woman, right?
ROSS: Yeah.
JOEY: You want to see her
again, right?
ROSS: Sure.
JOEY: Well if you can't
talk dirty to me, how're you going to talk dirty to her? Now tell me you
want to caress my butt!
ROSS: OK, turn around.
[Joey looks taken aback] I just don't want you staring at me when I'm doing
this.
JOEY: [turning around]
Alright, alright. I'm around. Go ahead.
ROSS: Ahem... I want....
OK, I want to... feel your... hot, soft skin with my lips.
JOEY: There you go! Keep
going. Keep going!
ROSS: I, er...
[At this point, Chandler
walks through the door. Ross and Joey both have their backs to him, so
they don't notice. Chandler sees the situation and remains quiet, watching.]
ROSS: I want to take my
tongue... and...
[Chandler is completely
astounded.]
ROSS: ....and....
JOEY: Say it... say it!
ROSS: ...run it all over
your body until you're... trembling with... with...
[Chandler leans back against
the wall and Ross and Joey hear him. Ross and Joey both notice at the same
time. They slowly stop, and then very slowly turn around to see Chandler
staring at them.]
CHAN: [smiling]....with??
ROSS: [rushing to explain]
Funny story!
CHAN: It's OK. It's OK.
I was always rooting for you two kids to get together.
Ep. 15 ~TOW The Stoned
Guy~