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John Glenn Returns to Space

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Destroyed by Epcot:

45% of the sharks

2% of the mackeral

25% of the squid

.0003% of the people

53% of Americans prefer the orange juice without the little pulpy bits

32% of Conspirators prefer conventional terrorism to nuclear terrorism

87% of visitors to The Times feel that they don't see the following image nearly enough:

Web Games City - Links to 700+ free online games playable over the web with your browser  

Glenn Steals Shuttle, Returns to Space

In a surprising move last week, John Glenn left his home, flew to Cape Canaveral, Florida, stole the Columbia space shuttle, and launched into outer space, all by his lonesome. 

Scientists are baffled by this strange act of burglary. ÒOur security systems are designed to keep out even the most cunning of criminals,Ó Wally Brennan, a security guard at Cape Canaveral Space Center. ÒIt shouldÕve taken him three hours to saw through those chains.Ó 

His unexpected launching ended up a tragedy for some unlucky tourists. Glenn veered off course by approximately 180 degrees, and began to lose altitude as he swooped over Walt DisneyÕs Epcot Center. ÒI tell you, when I saw him heading straight for that big silvery ball, I ran like hell,Ó said one survivor of the accident. Sixteen tourists were mutilated by the Epcot ball when it was knocked off its foundations by the shuttle and rolled across the park. 

The patrons inside the ball were thankfully unhurt. ÒIt was a blast,Ó said Little Billy, age 4. 

The ball came to a rest in the parkÕs lake, where, unfortunately, it crushed Underwater World, killing an additional 347 people, 4 sharks, 19 mackerels, and one squid. 

Glenn managed to pull up after his disastrous Epcot fly-by. Reports have been confirmed that Glenn, on his way out of the atmosphere, did ram a French nuclear missile headed toward the United States, knocking it out of commission. France has denied the launch of any such missile. ÒIt has the goddamn French flag on it,Ó said Bill Clinton upon whose house the disarmed missile landed. ÒTheyÕre dead. Those French motherfuckers are dead.Ó 

The first reports of GlennÕs intentions proved to be false. Glenn did not want to sabotage space station Freedom. In fact, he stopped by the station and the space shuttle Endeavour for a gas-up and a cup of tea. 

GlennÕs intentions became clear when his shuttle landed on the asteroid Vesta, the brightest asteroid in our sky, but certainly not the largest in our fine solar system. The following statement was sent last night from Vesta. 

   Dear Earth, 

   Sorry about Epcot. I expect thanks for saving your ass from those fucking       French bastards. I have been dubbed King of the Kapratydid Empire, right here on Vesta. Will return space shuttle after I conquer Earth. 

                       Love, 
                       John 

There is a warrant out for King GlennÕs capture, dead or alive. 
 

LANCASTER, PENN.--  A nuclear explosion annhiliated this innocent Amish community earlier today when a cow belonging to one Miss Betsy Jameson bumped into a poorly-supported standard-issue thermonuclear missile silo.  The fourteen inhabitants of this isolated city have been reduced to atomic dust, as have the four pigs and three cows belonging to the Jameson family.

Government officials say that they would have been horrified had they cared in the least bit about the Amish; however, as one official who asked to remain anonymous said, "Those bleedin' bastards have gotten out of paying taxes for two hundred years; we're not about to care about some small thermonuclear explosion which reduced their lifestyle and seat of happiness to radioactive ghosts."

CHICAGO -- fireman feared another great fire when students spontaneously combusted at a small arts festival on Clark Street.  Fire Marshall Tom Downing speculates that large quantities of wine and cheese in combination with nihilistic angst and black clothing  may have raised body heat to flammable temperatures.  A few finger snaps following a poetry reading may have been all that was necessary to end the tragic lives of these gifted young artists.  These circumstances are well documented in French medical research into the mystery of spontaneous combustion.

The works of the deceased students are available at SouthebyÕs Auction House.

An unnamed source from the group, he has a long face and is famous for his flailing peace sign, said he will seek  a Clinton resignation so the two can golf terribly on the links, smoke cheap Cigars and make up more conspiracies on the Kennedy assassination with the Late Pres. John F. Kennedy. 

SAN FRANCISCO -- A hippie child, Born in a Volkswagon Schmitt, successfully trademarked December 25th as the rebirth of the Pagan God in the religion of Wicca.  The American Affiliation of Protestant Denominations commented ÒYouÕll Burn in Hell for this Born in a Volkswagon!Ó and declined to comment on the trademarks legal effect on Christmas.  The Vatican responded ÒWe stole your holiday once, weÕll do it again!  Damn the separation of Church and State!Ó and encouraged American Catholics to continue to celebrate the holiday, preferably with unprotected sex.