The Six Dollar Man

a skit starring Kermit the Frog (Jim Henson)
and Professor Nucleus Von Fission, a mad scientist-type

(The scene is a low-rent looking laboratory. Lots of bubbling beakers and test tubes are hanging from a couple of rods in front of Kermit.)

Kermit: "Hi-ho, Kermit the Frog here. And sci-fi fans, I'm speaking to you from the laboratory of a Professor Nucleus Von Fission and I'm here to report one of the scientific marvels of the 20th century. Because as you probably know, Professor Von Fission is the inventor of the fabulous Six Dollar Man."

(Kermit walks over to the Professor who is standing over a robot-like creature lying on a table.)

Prof. Von Fission: "Ah!"

Kermit: "Who lays right here on the table, matter of fact."

Prof. Von Fission: "Yes."

Kermit: "Is that right, Professor Von Fission?"

Prof. Von Fission: "Yes, that's right! Mmmm."

Kermit: "And this whole thing only came to six dollars, huh?"

Prof. Von Fission: "Yes, including tax."

Kermit: "Well, that's, that's just incredible. Umm ... the head, it looks like the head is made from a second-hand bowling ball."

(Sure enough, the head is a light blue swirly bowling bowl with the three finger-holes lined up as the creature's eyes and open mouth.)

Prof. Von Fission: "Yes, that's right. Cost me a dollar thirty-eight at a rummage sale."

Kermit: "Mmmm. And the hair up here is what, a scouring pad?"

Prof. Von Fission: "Yes, that's a scouring pad. Thirty-nine cents a package."

Kermit: "Uh huh, great. What ... what's that nose?"

Prof. Von Fission: "Ahh, that's a cork."

Kermit: "Hmmm."

Prof. Von Fission: "Cork was twenty-five cents, a real bargain."

Kermit: "That's very ingenius. And going down here, the body looks like it's an old olive oil can?"

Prof. Von Fission: "Yes, that was a dollar fifty-nine, but ya gotta remember there was a lot of olive oil came with it. I used that to lubricate the joints."

Kermit: "Ahh, wonderful. The shoulder joint, as a matter of fact, is .. ahh .. that's a hinge, huh?"

Prof. Von Fission: "Yes, those are some hinges I picked up for ten cents each."

Kermit: "Uh huh. How about .. how about the arm? What did you make that arm out of?"

Prof. Von Fission: "Ah, well, the arms and the legs are drainpipes and those were fifty cents a yard."

Kermit: "That's .. ahh .. that's great. There seems to be a spoon here where the hand is, huh?"

Prof. Von Fission: "Spoons for hands, they were thirty-five cents apiece, yeah."

Kermit: "Ahh, wonderful. And for feet, you've got ... ah .. spatulas, huh?"

Prof. Von Fission: "Yes, those were two for ... two for seventy-nine, that's a real bargain. I got those at a going-out-of-business pancake place over in Posaick."

Kermit: "Isn't that interesting. And all that comes to just six dollars, huh?"

Prof. Von Fission: "Yup, that's right. Oh, would you like to see me activate him?"

Kermit: "Oh, we certainly would, that'd be just terrific, Professor!"

Prof. Von Fission: "Oh, wonderful, yes!"

(Kermit faces the camera to speak as the Prof. scoots behind him to activate the creature.)

Kermit: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is a television first as we see the first demonstration of The Six Dollar Man."

(A sound like a car's engine not quite turning over is heard as the Prof. pulls his hand away from the creature's olive oil can tummy. Picture someone starting a boat's motor. The creature jerks about for a second or two, then lies still.)

Prof. Von Fission: "Uh oh, try again. (He does the hand motion again, with the same results, and then turns to speak to the camera) Ya gotta remember that he's steam drive, you know, it takes a little while to start him up. Once more. (He tries one more time and ...) Yeah, yeah, there he goes! There he goes!"

(The creature is up and bouncing off the walls, pulling down book-shelves and wreaking havoc all over the place.)

Kermit: "Wow!"

Prof. Von Fission: "Look at him go! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Oh, marvelous!"

Kermit: "Oh my goodness."

Prof. Von Fission: "Ooops! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Did you see that?! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Oopsie-daisy! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Look what happened!"

(What's left of the creature flops onto the table. Pretty much just an olive oil can with a couple of spatulas sticking out!)

Kermit: "Professor Von Fission! Your Six Dollar Man couldn't do anything, all he did was destroy your entire laboratory!"

Prof. Von Fission: "Well, what do you expect for six dollars?"

(They both look at the camera, Kermit's face doing that disgusted look he does so well.)

Transcribed by the archive's webmistress Tiny Dancer and Silvery Shoe