Bert and Ernie and The Radio Knob

a skit performed by Bert (Frank Oz) and Ernie (Jim Henson)

Sketch begins with Ernie listening to the radio turning the volume up then down. Bert comes in.

Bert: "Hey Ernie! Hey Ern .."

Ernie: "Hey there, Bert."

Bert: "Hi. Listen the radio is playing soft and then loud. Something wrong?"

Ernie: "That's the volume control, Bert. See this little button here? That's the volume control."

Bert: "Yeah, you're the one that's doin that, huh?"

Ernie: "And when I turn the knob this way, it makes the radio play louder."

Bert: "Yeah, I know. See, I'm tryin to read over there ..."

Ernie: "And then Bert, when I turn the knob this way, it makes the radio play softer."

Bert: "Good, I like it just that way Ernie, soft."

Ernie: "But I think, I think I like most of all, is when I turn the radio up loud."

Bert: "Ernie! Ernie! That's too loud. You're making the radio play very very loudly!"

Ernie: "Bert, don't yell, I'm tryin to listen to the radio!"

Bert: "I will yell Ernie! I will yell! I have every right to yell! I'll yell and yell and yell because I can't hear myself any other way!"

(Ernie turns off the radio)

Bert: "Ernie! Now, you really do not care if I want some peace and quiet do you?"

Ernie: "I wonder what would happen if I took the knob off this radio ..."

Bert: "You know you really have no consideration for people, do you?"

Ernie: "C'mere, Bert."

Bert: "What're you doing?"

Ernie: "I'm gonna put the volume control on you."

Bert: "Wha! I am not a radio, Ernie! Now cut that out!"

Ernie: "And now I think I'll turn the volume a little lower ..."

Bert: (In a softer voice) "You know you cannot do that to people, they wanna talk, they're not radios. And I wanna talk and I'll tell you one thing ..."

(Ernie turns the volume up)

Bert: (In a louder voice) "I have been trying to read over there! I have been trying to read for so long ..."

(Ernie turns the volume down)

Bert: (In a softer voice) "And I hear the radio going up and down, up and down, up and down. And I don't want that. I want ..."

(Ernie turns Bert off)

Ernie: "Keeheeheehee."

(Ernie leaves Bert there with his mouth flapping and no sound coming out)

Transcribed by Don Murphy