Bert's Brother Bart
(Bert is busily polishing the counter)
Ernie: (coming in from the left) Hey Bert! Bert, the place looks great! You've been cleaning house, haven't you?
Bert: Yeah, I have. It - it looks okay, huh?
E: Mm-hmm. Wonderful.
B: Okay. You know why I'm concerned?
E: (shaking head) Uh-uh.
B: 'Cause my brother Bart is coming to visit today.
E: No kidding!
E: Hey, I've always wanted to meet your brother Bart!
B: Yeah, well, look, he's gonna be here any minute now, but I wanna go into the bedroom and comb my hair and change into some new shoes. So if he comes, could you make him feel at home?
E: Oh, sure Bert... (Bert starts to leave) Ho-whoa, wait a second...
E: How will I know it's your brother Bart, Bert?
B: What's that?
E: Well, you see, I've never met him, and so if he comes to the door, how will I know that it's him?
B: Ah! Oh, well it's easy! For one thing, we're exactly alike.
E: You are?
B: Yeah, we're twins. He looks exactly like I do.
E: No kidding!
B: Yeah, no kidding. Isn't that exciting?
E: You mean he's got the same sort of a pointy head as you do Bert? (pointing) And does he have the same sort of little bushy-bush of black hair up on top and the same sort of beady eyes as you do Bert? (points) And does he have the same sort of, uh, cucumbery nose here, and the same sort of, uh, sticky-out ears and the same grumpy mouth? And the same no-shoulders? (grabs Bert's arm and flops it as he talks) And does he have the same sort of floppy-soggy arm as you do Bert? Huh?
B: (taking his arm back and wiping it off with the cloth as he speaks, indignantly) Uh, yeah, in a...in a manner of speaking I guess we are both handsome in the same way.
E: Hmm. You both look like that, huh?
B: Yeah. Now look, I've gotta go and get ready, now will you please make him feel at home if he comes?
E: Oh sure, Bert.
E: I'd be delighted to. (Bert goes off, Ernie starts humming to himself) Hmm-mmm-mmm... (there is a knock at the door) Oh, that must be Bert's brother Bart now! (shouts) Come in!
(door opens with a "ta-daa!" trumpet flourish and drumroll, and there in the doorway stands someone who looks exactly like Bert, but with his hair combed down and who is wearing a loud plaid suit and bow tie)
E: (coming over) Good Heavens! (aside, to us) It's true! Why he's got the same pointy head and the same bushy-bush of black hair, (looks again) and he's got the same beady eyes and the same sticky-out ears and the same grumpy mouth, (looks again) and he's got the same cucumbery kind of nose and the same no-shoulders, and - (reaches down and flaps Bart's arm) and he's got the same soggy-floppy kind of arms! (out loud) Why, you must be Bert's brother Bart!
Bart: (coming in and walking around) Yes sir, Bart's the name and sellin's my game - (laughs) Mwhaa mwhaa mwhaa mwhaa! But I really wanna tell you, you must be Ernie.
Ernie: (shocked silent) Mm-hmm.
Bart: Heh heh! Well I just came into town by way of Buffalo - but next time...I'll take the train! Mwhaa mwhaa mwhaa mwhaa!
Ernie: Oh! I'm aghast!
Bart: No, you're not aghast. You live here. I'M a "ghast"! Mwhaa mwhaa mwhaa mwhaa mwhaa mwhaa! But seriously, where's old Bert anyway, huh?
Bart: Probably in there, huh? Okay, see ya later, pal! (whacks Ernie on the
back really hard and heads off towards the bedroom) Heh heh! Hey! Bert,
your old brother Bart's here. Let's paint the town red! (door slams)
Ernie: Hmm. You know, Bert and Bart are alike in a lot of ways. But in some ways, they're kind of different, too!
Transcribed by Jen Finlayson