Bert Can't Sleepa skit performed by Ernie and Bert, approx. 1972
The sketch begins with Bert doing exercises.
Bert: "18 .... 19 ..... 20 .... Boy, those exercises are great, Ernie, I'm gonna turn the light off now though."
Ernie: "OK, Bert."
Bert: (yawns) "OK, Ernie ... G'night now sleep tight.."
Ernie: "G'night Bert ... sweet dreams."
(Sound of water dripping)
Bert: "Hey uh...Hey Ern....Ernie?"
Bert: "You uh, hear that? Sounds like water dripping, you know?"
Ernie: "Is that right? Yeah, it does sound like water dripping. I must've left the faucet on a little bit when I washed my hands ... that's all, Bert .. g'night."
Bert: "Hey Ernie, I can't sleep with the sound of water dripping."
Ernie: "You can't?"
Bert: "Well, would you do me a favor and do something about the sound of that water dripping?"
Ernie: "Sure, Bert. Anything for you. I don't mind at all. Ol' Ernie will take care of it alright." (Ernie gets out of bed)
(Radio blasts which causes Bert to jerk out of bed)
Bert: "Ernie! Ernie what is that?"
Ernie: "That's the radio, Bert."
Bert: "Ernie, the radio?!"
Ernie: "Yeah, well you said you couldn't sleep with the sound of that water dripping, well, this way you can't hear that old faucet hardly at all, can you, Bert? Keeheehee."
Bert: "No, I can't hear the water dripping anymore .. but I can hear the radio and you know what,
Ernie? I can't sleep with the sound of that radio either it's so loud! Ernie! Aww..come on!"
Ernie: "Well don't worry about it, Bert, I mean 'ol Ernie will take care of that too. I'll do that for you, Bert."
(Ernie turns the vacuum cleaner on which causes Bert to jerk out of bed again)
Bert: "Ernie! Ern...what're you doing? Why'd you turn the vacuum cleaner on?!"
Ernie: "What's that Bert? I can't hear you!"
Bert: "I said, why'd you turn the vacuum cleaner ooooonnnnn?!!!!!"
Ernie: "Well you said you couldn't sleep with the sound of the radio, well this way, you can't hear
that radio hardly at all!!!!!!"
Bert: "All right. All right ... Ernie, stay where you are .. stay where you are, don't move."
Ernie: "OK Bert! G'niiiiiiight!!!!!"
Bert: "First, I'm gonna get this vaccum cleaner. There. I'm gonna shut this radio off now! I'm gonna ... Ok, I shut the radio off, now I'm gonna get the water .. There ... OK .... Alright, now we can finally get some sleep with some nice peace and quiet (Bert gets into bed) *mutters* Boy, this is ridculous."
Bert: "Ernie? Ernie you're snoring."
(Ernie snores again)
Bert: "Ernie!! *sigh* It's not fair, it's just not fair."
Transcribed by the usually well-rested Don Murphy